Cupcake Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 My ex and I broke up almost 6 months ago. We were in an LDR and I broke up with him after I discovered that he had been dating someone else behind my back. When I found out about it, he told me she was just a friend. He accused me of being insecure, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, he made it official with that woman "5 days" after I broke up with him. Two months later, they got engaged to get married. However, they've been arguing a lot since they've been dating officially. They've broken up several times and gotten back together. I only know this because one of his friends tells me about it. I changed my phone number a month after I broke up with him because I didn't want him to lie to me anymore. But he has sent me emails (at least once a month) just to see how I'm doing. I responded to the eamails the firs two times. He had said he missed me and he wanted to see me. I left the option open and told him he was welcome to visit me as long as he was serious about working things out. Two months later, he hadn't visited me. Yet he still sent emails to say how much he missed me. I didn't respond to the emails. Then he got desparate and called me at work (he dialed 411 to get the number to my office and asked for my extention). He seemed serious. He kept asking me if I was dating anyone else. He still said he wants to see me, but only if I want to see him too. He still won't confess about the other woman. He also said he doesn't have a girlfriend. He says he's just trying to find himself right now. He wants to spend time with me. But hes not sure about us getting back together. He just doesn't like the way I've chosen to disappear completely and forget about him. He thinks we should be friends and at least try to work things out. I don't know what to think. He says that he doesn't have a girlfriend and that he's just trying to figure things out. But his cell phone is still in her name (they got a family plan after they became engaged). She gets the bill and can see everyone he calls. So why is he insisting that I call him and give him my number? Why is he constantly trying to keep me in his life, especially when I'm soo far away from him? Why won't he just leave me alone? I'm not bothering him at all. If I start calling him, I'm afraid his new girlfriend will think I'm trying to get him back. And I don't think I can handle being second in his life. At least before, she was the "other woman." But now, I would be the other woman if I start communicating with him again. I would like to get back with him, but only if he's finished being a dog. I didn't want to share him with this other woman when we broke up. I can't believe he would come back thinking that I would be willing to share him now. So I don't know if he's had enough of her and wants us to be true this time or what !! Link to post Share on other sites
smile Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 well, having a family plan with an exbf i do know its possible to split the bill.. or even get one bill sent to one address. I dont think you should settle for being second. He cheated on you with her and now he wants to cheat on her with you? I dunno that seems kinda messy to me. You love this guy, that is obvious, but if he does need to figure everything out , maybe do it as friends. What if they get back together.. can you handle being rejected again? What if he picks you.. can you trust him not to cheat on you again? I am not sure he has much right to judge the way you left. He broke up with you and then couldnt handle you going away? Hmm that sounds fishy. He seems to want you for some reason right now. Maybe you are a great friend, maybe he feels safe to explore himself with you.. maybe he even wants to test the waters to see if he wants you back... No matter what his motives are.. you need to take care of you. Do what you can. Don't disrespect yourself by being the other woman. Its not worth it.. He doesnt seem ready for you. If you want to be his friend then do it.. if you arent willing to accept anything but a new chance at your relationship then maybe you need to walk away. sorry i dont have any answers... just concern because i have been there. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 why would you want to get back with a guy who cheated on you and seems to be wanting to cheat on his current partner? You think he will magically change by getting back together with you right now? I mean MAYBE he will but I doubt it. My advice? If he is trying to "find himself" then let him find himself...without you around. I fear if you get invovled with this guy again at this current time you'll get screwed over again and that isn't right. That is just my gut instinct. I guess I would not rule out possibly giving this guy a second chance (I wouldnt because I am baised towards cheaters) but I don't think you should until he "finds himself" and grows up. For the time being you need to do what is best for you and keep yourself from getting jerked around by this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 Originally posted by Weird why would you want to get back with a guy who cheated on you and seems to be wanting to cheat on his current partner? You think he will magically change by getting back together with you right now? I mean MAYBE he will but I doubt it. My advice? If he is trying to "find himself" then let him find himself...without you around. I fear if you get invovled with this guy again at this current time you'll get screwed over again and that isn't right. That is just my gut instinct. I guess I would not rule out possibly giving this guy a second chance (I wouldnt because I am baised towards cheaters) but I don't think you should until he "finds himself" and grows up. For the time being you need to do what is best for you and keep yourself from getting jerked around by this guy. Excellent advice... And to add my own.. DON'T EVER BECOME THE OW.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cupcake Posted November 28, 2004 Author Share Posted November 28, 2004 Thanks. You each have sound advice. And you understand where I'm coming from. The problem is, I have not been persuing him. I HAVE left him alone to find himself. When we broke up, that was the main reason for me breaking it off. I felt like he needed space since he was the one who was cheating. I knew he was cheating. But I still loved him. I just didn't want to be the fool for staying with him and allowing him to cheat on me. At the time, he denied needing time to find himself. He still denies cheating. Yet, he never wanted us to break up. And he was very angry at me for being so bold about it. I told him to do whatever he wants to do, but leave me alone until he's serious about being faithful to me. It certainly doesn't seem like he's making any real moves to get rid of his current girlfriend. I've tried to ignore him. But how can I do that when he's aggressive enough to call my job? He may also be planning to visit me sometime in the near future. How do I know if he is serious about me or not? Maybe he realizes his mistakes. We've only known each other for a 1 1/2 years. We were talking about marriage before we broke up. He had other exGF's for years and never got engaged to them. So I'm still surprised at how he got engaged to this new girl within a few months of dating. I could do something drastic like get a restraining order against him or file a suit for harrasement. But I don't want to do that if there is still hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 I understand your having feelings for him despite him being a lieing pig, but if he truly saw the error of his ways, why wouldn't he LEAVE the other girl and come back to you? As it is, he's not even willing to tell you the truth. You can't trust him. He lies and cheats, and he's still doing it, so obviously he hasn't come around yet. You can't have a good relationship with someone who can't be honest with you. He may have feelings for you, but it doesn't sound like he should be dating anyone on a serious level until he can quit playing games, and who knows if he'll ever be capable of that. My advice is, for the time being, to remind yourself that he has yet to change and move on. But good luck in whatever you choose to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 yeah to second what merin said, don't be the other woman. By doing that you'll wake up one day and suddenly find yourself on either the oprah or springer stage or one of the 98364598356935 reality show derivatives clogging the airwaves. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 I've tried to ignore him. But how can I do that when he's aggressive enough to call my job? Well, since he's so persistent, I guess you better just break down and become the OW...NOT!! Who cares how persistent he is? Grow yourself a spine and make your own decisions - don't let Mr. Three-Way decide how your life will be run. If he calls you against your request - tell him firmly to stop. Next step is a crisp and clear letter from a lawyer or other serious third party, telling him to cease contact with you. If he still doesn't get it, and your job might be jeopardized, then move on to a restraining order. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cupcake Posted November 30, 2004 Author Share Posted November 30, 2004 Thanks everyone !! I got really curious and checked his email today. I didn't even know if he was still using the same password. Anyway, his girlfriend is pregnant. She just found out sometime last week. He has a desinated folder with her name. It appears as though they've been having a lot of problems. She frequently sends him long messages to express her anger. She has also been asking him for a lot of money and expensive gifts. Two months after they started dating, she wanted to get married. She sent him a website with the ring she wanted ($5,000) and they got into an argument when he told her he couldn't afford it. She told him to get a loan to pay for it. Then he told her he wasn't ready for marriage yet. She accused him of still being in love with me. He told her he was confused because everything was happening in their relationship so quickly. In the begining, he only ment for her to be a "booty call" because he and I were still together. She had been giving him hell about breaking up with me. But after I finally broke up with him, he gave into her request for a relationship. He's been telling her that he and I are still friends. He as even used me as an excuse for him not to spend time with her. But he certainly hasn't been with me since we broke up. It seems like he hasn't told her that I live over 800 miles away from both of them. What a liar!! Now she feels threatened by me. Last month, he told her that he and I were getting back together because it wasn't working out for them. That's when he began trying to contact me. Last week, he broke up with her. That's when he started calling my job because I hadn't responded to his previous emails. But a few days later, she told him she was pregnant, so he could squash any ideas he had about getting back with me. Now she's demanding they get married. I don't know what he's going to do, but I know that I won't have anything else to do with him. I'm going to take Solemate's advice. Obviously, he knew about her pregnancy when he and I spoke last week. Yet, he still hasn't mentioned a word to me about her. He still wants me to think she doesn't even exist. He apologized a million times. But he hasn't confessed to anything. He just wanted us to spend some "quality" time together like we used to do. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Hon, you dodged a bullet. Let your ex and his lil fruitcake have their "fun" (sounds like she rips him a new one on a regular basis). I am so glad that you made the decision that you did. Hold out for what you really want...like honesty, respect, fairness... Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 She sent him a website with the ring she wanted ($5,000) and they got into an argument when he told her he couldn't afford it. She told him to get a loan to pay for it. I wouldn't hit a woman but if some bitch (and I am not calling all women bitches but a female like that is a bitch) said that to me I'd come close to smacking her. Good to hear you arent going to go back to this guy, sister. Link to post Share on other sites
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