Is my mother nuts? Lengthy post, please help

[heckno]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have a dilemma of sorts with my mother and am looking for thoughts and possible good advice if you have any.

 

Here's the deal. My mother, a young 50 yrs, is a wonderful, giving, sincere and trusting woman. My problem, she hoardes EVERYTHING.

 

She inherited her mothers house when she passed away 2 years ago. She had almost a year and a half to clean it up, fix it up, etc, before she moved in. She moved in in July of this year. She added her house hold into her mothers house hold. There are some of my things as well, but not much.

 

This house is about 3000 square feet, respectively, with a 1 car garage. There are 5 bedrooms and one office, 2 living rooms, 2 baths, one dining and one small kitchen. There is only ONE room that is livable, and that is her bedroom, and even then it's packed wall to wall with junks, knick knacks and other "junk" she'll never use. You basically have to walk sideways in most of the house, or climb over things.

 

Her mothers room is the same as when she passed away. Her medicines on her tables, the same place. There are even used tissues in her "walker" basket, exactly how she left them. There are signs on the doors and dresser, with medicine instructions, exactly how she left them. Considering how packed this house is, and it's been 2 years since she passed, should it bother me that my mother insists on keeping the room this way? I almost feel it's a mental thing of sorts, like she's losing it on some aspect or just living out some sick reality. Not that my mother really acts nuts, well, she never does, unless I want to throw something out.

 

For example, there are these plastic wall sconces, the most horrific ugly things you've ever seen, and they are in plain sight in the living area. They are covered with a thick coat of dust, have no candles in them (never had), and are also covered in another thick brownish something or another which I can not make out. See, my husband and I are trying to help my mother clean up the house, make it fresh and new and clean for her, so I decide to take these sconces down.. and get harassed like my mother just turned into a demon. She refuses to throw away disgusting dime store purchases.

 

There is insulin and suppositories that are still in the refrigerator after 2 years, not going anywhere, because "they were my mothers".

 

Tonight, we got into a huge argument over microwaves. Sounds stupid doesn't it. My mother has 2 of them in her kitchen. One of them is pretty big, about 20 years old, and is used to store dirty pots and spices. Pretty nasty huh? The other is a nasty one that is 15 years old, tiny, and doesn't work that well either. Well, a family member just gave us a 400 dollar stainless steel micro, and we wanted to get rid of the two my mom has and give her the super uber nice one. My mother went NUTS, started crying. She didn't want to throw the two older ones out because "they work still".."BUt THEY STILL WORK!", same thing over and over. They're disgusting, covered with nastyness on the inside and outside. This is so unlike my mother. She's a woman of class, and she's keeping junk now. Actually fighting to keep junk.

 

If there are 20 ac adapters, we must keep them all because they "probably go to something", although I can only think of a couple of things in the house that use those ac adapters. Tonight, she had to keep dusty dirty fake flowers and used pine cones to make something out of..but she never will. And if I try to throw that junk away, she starts yelling.

 

There are clothes that she hasn't worn in a decade, or shoes even, and she wont dispose of them. You know, if that show clean sweep came over, she'd have a mental breakdown. Most people, given the chance to have a helping hand to rid of their junk, and make their home nice, would jump at the chance.

 

My mother, is not very well and can't do a lot of physical things on her own. So my husband tries his hardest to help her, and everytime it ends up in a yelling match.

 

Should I be worried? I honestly feel my mother turns into a psychotic witch when it comes to getting rid of anything that belonged to her mother, or her, or anyone for that matter. If it doesn't work, it doesn't matter, maybe it will one day. If it looks nasty, but it still works, then we MUSt keep it.

 

What on earth do we do? I am at my wits end. My mother is living in a pig pen, and surrounded by trash, junk, piles of it, and things she'll never use cause they' dont belong to her, but other family members as well.

 

Please help.

[Merin]

It sounds as though your Mom hasn't been able to come to terms with your Grandmothers passing..

 

At this point the things that are in the home that belonged to your Grandmother are a "comfort" to your Mom.. although I cannot understand why you're Mom is living in filth.. I guess at this point if you feel she is needing some help here.. then be gentle with her..

 

Clean the house up.. but don't insist she throw things away.

 

I hope it gets better.

[heckno]

yes and no.. i'd say it's more like a jeckyl and hyde thing.. she's super nice until we want to help her clean up the house.

 

I can't NOT throw anything away. Like i said, there is only one room that is livable. We MUST start throwing out stuff, and none of it is my grandmothers that I try to throw away.

 

Imagine if you had a 3000 square foot house and only had one 13x15 room that was livable, and the rest was junk?

[moimeme]

There is a form of OCD that turns people into hoarders. Talk to your physician about getting her checked out for OCD.

 

Hoarding is often a specific symptom of OCD which results in people keeping large amounts of items that to the outside world are considered excessive or worthless/useless. It is also still being researched much and surrounded with much secrecy and shame.

 

Here's one good article about it:

 

 

http://www.homestead.com/westsuffolkpsych/Hoarding.html

 

Here's the whole site. It talks about help and treatment, too.

 

http://understanding_ocd.tripod.com/index_hoarding.html

[heckno]

Thanks a million, that site and info nailed it RIGHT on the head.

[SoleMate]

I am so happy that you are being compassionate and understanding about this. Your mom likely has OCD, plus grieving for her mother. But I'm very sympathetic to your desire to bulldoze the garbage out the door. I would probably go nuts myself if I had to live in the kind of environment you describe. The urge to order up a supersize dumpster parked on the lawn and start flinging buckets of cr*p into it might overwhelm me.

[MelodyJ]

I am dealing with the same thing with my mother, only now I am living with her!! She knew I was leaving my b/f and was happy about me getting my life back together and the kids living with her and dad, but she didn't make one bit of space for us. Every closet is filled with old clothes that belonged to ether her mom who died 8 years ago, or stuff from my dads grandma who died 15 years ago. She has boxes in boxes, in boxes, and then a old hat in the last box. She brings home other peoples yard sale items, because they didn't sell and maybe she can sell them at hers! My parents are comfortable, she does not need .50 cents that bad!!! And every thing is filthy, dusty, sticky. She also has health problems and can't clean very well, but she doesn't clean anything. If there is a corner, she will fill it with junk. When I told her I bought the girls a CD/DVD player to go with their t.v., she insisted that the t.v. in our room was just fine, it only works on one channel, and the picture goes black ever few minutes, and the VCR has the face missing, but she would not let me get rid of them. Under the bed is filled with more junk, and there are stuffed animals everywhere, full of dust. Ther is not a cupboard or closet or corner in the whole house that is empty. I know she has mental problems, and was on Prozac, as well as a few others, but she drinks, and it does not mix well with the meds, so she chose to drink instead. But, even when she is in a good mood, she still wants to keep all the junk! This morning my daughter and I had a huge blow out because she could not find her contacts, everything is in complete disaray and all my mom could say is " I hope this doesn't happen all the time, my stomache can't handle the fighting" I wanted to just scream at her!!!

Ok, I vented, thank you for listening.

[HokeyReligions]

the mother of a friend of ours is like that. She has a big house and there is a little trail from the front door to her room, her daughters room (a whole 'nuther story--daughter is almost 40) and the kitchen. Stuff is piled up to the ceiling. She has been living like this for over 50 years -- even before her husband died and the kids grew up and moved out.

 

It is literally floor to ceiling and she never throws out anything. My friend was telling us about some beautiful antique furniture that is buried under the mess. We've seen newspapers from the 1940's and up. Craft items, yarns, fabrics, toys, knick-knacks, musical instruments (including a nice old piano which can barely be seen) and just tons of stuff. She would buy card-tables to set up and stack things on and under. In her kitchen she has at least 200 of those plastic frosting containers and cool-whip containers, etc. Her bedroom is almost as bad -- she has a path to her bed and has a narrow edge of bed with her sheets and blankets (folded to fit the wedge and not actually on the whole bed) and the rest of the bed is piled up with stuff! The last tin of her husbands ashes were in her closet for years and years until someone accidently spilled them when they were looking for something)

 

She is the sweetest and nicest person you could imagine outside her home. But her house is indescribable! Clean Sweep wouldn't touch it!

 

 

My mother was a hoarder and I learned it from her and I really have to WORK at throwing things away and donating things that are good and I no longer need. I don't always succeed and if you could see what's in my barn out back you would understand! We won't even discuss my garage!

 

I understand the "It still works" mentality! Oy! The stuff in my garage & barn!

 

Don't offer to clean for her, just ignore the mess---it's HER house, not yours. Maybe her doctor could help by informing her of the health-risks associated with living like that. Didn't work for my friends mother -- but maybe it will work for your mom!

[heckno]

Well,

 

The problem with my mom is solved. I armed myself with the information and another website of a lady who does the same thing my mom does, although my mom isn't that bad, it put a fire under her arse. Moimeme, thank you. I had been looking online for hours and couldn't find anything on the subject.

 

I gently told my mother what was up on the subject. I took the info from that site, wrote down what related with her, and told her why/how. I was worried it would get to the point of being too extreme for her to have a remotely normal life one day. She realized, after reading all the points, that she was turning into that. She has been throwing away stuff all day! She said "That is NOT going to be me, it's over". It's great! Thank goodness she's a woman who doesn't fail to recognize the truth in things when brought to the surface.

 

I hear a lot of people say "but it's her home, let her live that way if she wants", and I disagree. Yes, it IS her home. But, this is a big problem and it takes away a lot from that person mentally and physically. It does cause them to become isolated (as i've seen my mother become), they become overwhelmed and helpless of their living situation and "hole up" in their homes. They're scared of having people over, or repairmen because it's just too messy. It becomes so engrossed with junk they sometimes just give up and let their homes become overgrown with STUFF. It affects a person tons, and I just imagine not saying a word and letting my mother continue on without realizing the issue would really harm her instead of FREE her. Not only that, when she passes one day, who is left with the burden of sorting through decades of stuff?

 

Well, thank you again for the input.

 

Ms M, I feel your frustration. Please read through the links that Moimeme posted.

 

Ps, here's one of the links that influenced my mom to make a change. She's not nearly this bad by any means, but it scared her to think she could be.

 

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=830487&perpage=40&pagenumber=1

[moimeme]

Moimeme, thank you. I had been looking online for hours and couldn't find anything on the subject.

 

You're welcome! I'm glad I could help.

 

Your mom might be interested in flylady.net Flylady sends out reminders, tips, and information on how to keep a house spic and span once you've got it organized

 

Best of luck to you both and Ms. M, try getting your mom to read the sites we posted or try to get her to a doctor. The stories of people being literally buried or burned to death in their stuff should be a pretty scary wake-up call.

[MelodyJ]

thanks heck and moimme for the advice

the other day I plugged in a curling iron she never uses and the frayed cord shorted out right near my eyes and bangs! I nearly freaked, I had hair spray on and my whole head could have gone up in flames...why keep these broken old things????

I saved those links and will check them out.

thanks again

ms.m