Career or Marriage?

[Anais]

Imagine you have a very specialized profession and your husband wouldn’t want to move to the area were you can find a job because he loves his job so much and he has been with the company so many years. What would you do at that point?

[moimeme]

Discuss it for a long, long time. In the end, a job will never be faithful to you. Husbands might not , either, but you don't snuggle up with a job at night and a job isn't there when you're sick or sad.

[Anais]

Good point Merry! Though it is miserable to loose the accomplishments which took years of hard work and study. I know many couples are facing the “two body problem” now.

 

It is unfair to be asked to choose between marriage and career and at the same time it is hard to get the jobs both need in the same area. Only way I see the problem solved is to negotiate somehow that both sides will be happy. Easier said than done!

 

I still have a hope to get job where my husband is, but my chances are small when the place is fixed. I am tired of long distance. I mean I can wait till next summer but no more! Consider we never lived together! It is time to come down and rely on God. He will do what is the best. I will pray and hope it works out.

 

Anyone else got the same problem now or in past? Would love to hear your stories. And one question: Are there some agencies that specialize on finding jobs for two professionals in different fields? Any experience with it?

[moimeme]

It is unfair to be asked to choose between marriage and career

 

Well, not really if you think of it. I realize this is a generalization and gender-biased to boot, but I believe there is something to the theory that men derive their sense of self-worth from work more so than do women. If that is the case (and I actually think that's unfortunate, but such is life), then you may want that to be part of your consideration.

 

Have you tried the headhunters in his town?

[Anais]

He says he would be a househusband one day if I could provide as much money as he earns. I believe I could have such a good job or maybe better one once but I am just starting my real career. So it will take time and I may even not succeed. His job is more secure right now and I have better chance to find one than he. He would choose the marriage if I asked him I know, but I would never do it to him. And he also never would tell me that.

 

I could get a break and spend more time with my daughter and him but it is hard to get back to academic field once you were out. Or what you guys think is it possible to get back after a year or two of break? My daughter is 7 and I have always been busy these years. I could enjoy spending more time with her if I cannot find anything.

 

The other option would be to live apart for few more years and keep looking for jobs in the same town. Sigh

 

Have you tried the headhunters in his town?

Not yet. I heard it is not helpful if you want to stay in academic field or?

[izzybelle]

are you looking for a prof. type postion or something else in academia?

 

depending on the field, yes, it is sometimes difficult to get back in although a year or two isn't as bad as longer. i have several friends who took time off from their careers to move with their H or to have kids and now are single moms struggling to find work! the whole situation is pretty sad!

 

i knew a couple that spent the better part of their married life (until recently) in different states. it worked for them and just a year ago they actually ended up in the same city (he's a prof!). i don't know them well, but their kids seem to have handled it fine. i just can't imagine..... he'd spend several days a week here and then almost every weekend with his W and kids.

[Anais]

are you looking for a prof. type postion or something else in academia?

Yes, I am doing postdoc research now.

 

depending on the field, yes, it is sometimes difficult to get back in although a year or two isn't as bad as longer. i have several friends who took time off from their careers to move with their H or to have kids and now are single moms struggling to find work! the whole situation is pretty sad!

Yes it is very sad. A just hope that a magic will happen. All three positions I have applied are not really in my area. I have many publications and nice CV though.

 

i knew a couple that spent the better part of their married life (until recently) in different states.

I have no power anymore to do it.

 

it worked for them and just a year ago they actually ended up in the same city (he's a prof!). i don't know them well, but their kids seem to have handled it fine.

 

Oh it is never a problem for kids. They adjust to everything. My daughter had to change the language twice! She learned it in few months, faster than me.

 

i just can't imagine..... he'd spend several days a week here and then almost every weekend with his W and kids.

 

That is not too bad. Right now we live in different continents!

[izzybelle]

That is not too bad. Right now we live in different continents!

holy crap...sorry no other words really come to mind

 

i do work some with post docs although many that i work with are looking for research in their fields and not specifically faculty positions. i think whatever you can do to keep your hand in academia is advisable (obviously) whether it's teaching as an adjunct somewhere if possible or anything similar. i've known some in your position, who were living in the states (and i'm not sure what country you're looking in) who even took positions teaching at private secondary schools just to keep the "teaching" skills up. whether or not that paid off for them, i have no idea. it's also hard to say what the market is like in your field.... i know for some fields, faculty positions are few and far between to begin with. are there colleges or universities near where he lives?

[Anais]

holy crap...sorry no other words really come to mind

 

I know it sounds weird. I was just looking at our pictures. We had a great year anyway. 8 weeks in total together . Many couples straggle with the same problem. I just got email from a friend today telling she got a tenure position at a very good university but far away from her boyfriend.

 

I do work some with post docs although many that I work with

 

 

What you do? Are you in management?

 

 

are looking for research in their fields and not specifically faculty positions.

 

I prefer research, don’t mind teaching. Have been doing it before. It is time consuming and takes lots of efforts. I wanted a break to improve my english and do more research. That is why I took the position I have now even was suggested a better one with teaching.

 

i think whatever you can do to keep your hand in academia is advisable (obviously) whether it's teaching as an adjunct somewhere if possible or anything similar.

 

Very good advice! Thank you. I have been thinking to get adjunct position in the worst case. Don’t know how one does it. There are many universities in that big- big US city. I will try lower rank colleges or universities too.

 

I heard some even ask for a not paid position, and then they apply for grants and if they succeed to bring good money for the department they get tenured fast. I heard about someone who did it. I just work hard now to publish as many articles as possible. That else I can do?

[moimeme]

If there are many universities in that place, then you shouldn't have too much trouble. At first, I thought you were moving to some small town without even one university.

 

Go to those universities' websites, look up the departments that you could work in, and call them up. Many post open positions on their websites, but even if they don't have open positions, they may have ideas on who could use you.

 

Also check out websites that list jobs at universities in general:

http://www.univjobs.com/

 

http://www.adjunctopia.com

 

http://www.higheredjobs.com/

 

BTW, have you looked at all the implications of immigrating? You won't be able to work at all without the right sort of visa and you usually have to apply for the visa before you move.

[Anais]

Thank you dear! This all is so helpful.

 

If there are many universities in that place, then you shouldn't have too much trouble. At first, I thought you were moving to some small town without even one university.

 

 

Well it is a small town but there is a big city in about an hour distance. We can live somewhere in the middle. My problem is that there is nothing in my area available around. Most of faculty in main universities have research interests that are different from mine.

 

Go to those universities' websites, look up the departments that you could work in, and call them up. Many post open positions on their websites, but even if they don't have open positions, they may have ideas on who could use you.

This is a great idea! I will definitely do it and post here if I have a success.

 

 

BTW, have you looked at all the implications of immigrating? You won't be able to work at all without the right sort of visa and you usually have to apply for the visa before you move.

 

I shouldn’t have a problem. I am a h1b visa holder. I already transferred it from one university to another without problems once. Also I have applied for immigration since my husband is a US citizen. That gives me right to work also while I am waiting for the interview. But I need to apply for employment authorization. The application takes some time(not sure few weeks or months).

[Anais]

I got a interview for a really great position but far away from where hubbie goes.

 

Why it is always we have to choose? I wish I can get one there too. But it is not realistic. I know I am going to get this job as I was encouraged by them to apply for it. It is a very good opportunity for me (tenure track, my field, good pay, nice university). I feel like I don’t know what I want. I mean I know that I want us to move together. But I am not ready to loose all I have achieved by hard studying. What should I do?

[Apathy]

Originally posted by Anais

I got a interview for a really great position but far away from where hubbie goes.

 

Why it is always we have to choose? I wish I can get one there too. But it is not realistic. I know I am going to get this job as I was encouraged by them to apply for it. It is a very good opportunity for me (tenure track, my field, good pay, nice university). I feel like I don’t know what I want. I mean I know that I want us to move together. But I am not ready to loose all I have achieved by hard studying. What should I do?

 

If you think you're going to think all the time that you "loose all [you] have achieved", I'll say accept the job of your dreams.

If not, you're going to resent it all your life, do you want to prefer to live a life way below your professional standards or stay married to him? Will you be happy if he resign to his job in order for you to fulfill your professional dreams?

 

 

Sometimes we can't have everything that we want.

In this case, your career seem to be extremely important to you. Yes, marriage is about comittment, but one's happiness does not enter into the arrangement.

[hotgurl]

It is very diffcult especially in more rural areas to find 2 fulfilling well paying jobs. Is he really dead set against moving? Did you move for him? Maybe he could do it for you. What is his field? Is it as specialized as yours. If not it would be easier to move where you can work.

 

You could try the job out. get temporary lodgings and see how you like it. It may mean living apart for three or so months. Just say I think this is a really great opportunity for me and If I don't at least try it I will regret it. At the end of 90 days or whatever we can regroup and figure out where to go from there.

 

That way you can try your job to see if it really is worth it and maybe he might change his mind.

[Anais]

Originally posted by Apathy

If not, you're going to resent it all your life, do you want to prefer to live a life way below your professional standards or stay married to him?

I just know that I want to be married him as I love him. And we won’t divorce even if I take this job. I am not sure if I won’t be sorry in some years about not taking the job and having job that I don’t really like. Here is my problem. I am afraid to be sorry later. We married last year and never lived together yet. We are living in different continents now and hoping to move together next summer.

 

 

Will you be happy if he resign to his job in order for you to fulfill your professional dreams?

 

No , I won’t be happy. He has a good job and he loves his job. It pays well too. He was looking for a job yesterday where my offer is and found some cleaning jobs and was teasing me about taking it . LOL He is an engineer. He has signed to work for his company for two more years. And they are not planning to let him go soon.

 

Sometimes we can't have everything that we want.

In this case, your career seem to be extremely important to you. Yes, marriage is about comittment, but one's happiness does not enter into the arrangement.

 

 

 

You are right, this is really about happiness. I am not sure taking the job I will be happy. Actually I will be unhappy in my private life.

 

 

 

Originally posted by hotgurl

 

You could try the job out. get temporary lodgings and see how you like it. It may mean living apart for three or so months. Just say I think this is a really great opportunity for me and If I don't at least try it I will regret it. At the end of 90 days or whatever we can regroup and figure out where to go from there.

 

That way you can try your job to see if it really is worth it and maybe he might change his mind.

 

 

I am really tired from temporary lodgings. Also, my seven years old daughter is tired to move around the world with me. I promised her that this time we are going to settle. She had to learn new languages, cultures and find new friends all the time. Hubbie gives me the freedom to choose and he will support me in any decision that I make. I am worried to make a wrong decision now. To take the job and quit it in few months wouldn’t be nice to people who hire me. Accepting the job would mean we live apart about 2 years! Not accepting will mean I can be sorry one day for not having the job that I could have.

[hotgurl]

I am really tired from temporary lodgings. Also, my seven years old daughter is tired to move around the world with me. I promised her that this time we are going to settle. She had to learn new languages, cultures and find new friends all the time. Hubbie gives me the freedom to choose and he will support me in any decision that I make. I am worried to make a wrong decision now. To take the job and quit it in few months wouldn’t be nice to people who hire me. Accepting the job would mean we live apart about 2 years! Not accepting will mean I can be sorry one day for not having the job that I could have.

 

That's tough. Moving around a lot esp on kids. I don't know what to tell you. I think you guys are just going to have to be creative about this one. Trying to live together & make the jobs work. You could try to get volunteer work in your field where he is. It's difficult since I have no idea where you guys live and the economici situation ect..

 

Just think what are you going to regret most missing out on this jobs or stability and a family. I personally would feel bad if I broke a promise to my daughter but sometimes you can't help it.

 

On a side note most jobs have a 90 day probationary period it's for you and your employer to determine if the job is a good fit for both of you.

[CurlyIam]

you've worked so hard to get here, Anais... It would be nice to enjoy the fruits of your accomplishments!

 

I don't know what to tell you. YOu know yourself best. If it's only about having a career, indeed, you're right, you have to chose between marriage and professional life. But you know yourself best. If it's passion, if you have the chance to contribute and develop something... you should think about that too.

 

Your husband is incredibly understanding...

 

Lots of luck,

 

Curly

[Owl]

Hmmm....you're obviously a very intelligent person, so I hesitate to point out the obvious. But I've just got to say this...

 

I've skimmed through your post here. The issue seems to be that you can either work on your marriage and your family, or you can work on your career. I trust you've done as much as you can to compromise, but had little to no success with that. It falls down to one thing really. You have been doing it for years now, but it's likely time that you applied it to your LIFE, instead of the smaller things.

 

 

PRIORITIZE. You're faced with two opposing choices...career, or family. Most of us are. I've been there...I was a career man in the military. One of the key reasons I decided to get out was BECAUSE I decided to prioritize my life. I made the choice that I work so that I can live...I don't live so that I can work. My job no longer defines me.

 

You're a different person than I am. Your feelings may be different, I don't know. Nor am I judging you. Simply pointing out that this is your only real tool to work out a decision when faced with conflicting options.

 

So...I'll ask the question. And when I ask it, SAY THE FIRST WORD THAT POPS IN YOUR MIND. Because that's really the answer you've been seeking.

 

Which is more important to you right now, your family or your career?

 

 

And you're answer is?

 

 

Whatever it is, you've made your choice. Now go make it your priority. And take whatever steps you need to so that IS your priority. Good luck.

[CurlyIam]

When you're in research, is Passion too. "Career" can be a rather stale word... I can't even imagine how it must be to do research on management in the US!!! Maybe you're the future Mintzberg ! (oops, I think that one's a Canadian, but anyway... to create, to discover, to improve, to contribute... woow, I wish I had that gift!)

[Apathy]

Originally posted by Anais

No , I won’t be happy. He has a good job and he loves his job. It pays well too. He was looking for a job yesterday where my offer is and found some cleaning jobs and was teasing me about taking it . LOL He is an engineer. He has signed to work for his company for two more years. And they are not planning to let him go soon.

 

Jmmm...I'm not the best person to give advices about career-marriage issues, still...

 

I'm and engineer. What kind of engineer is your husband (chemical, electrical aerospace, etc.)? Where are you looking forward to move?

If you don't want to answer here, sent me an MP...I'll let you if he's BSing you about not being able to find an engineering job within that geographical location.

[VirginiaBob]

Another thing to consider is the years of service that your husband has been at his current job. If he has been there a while, but not long enough, he might lose his retirement. I know people that have left thier jobs after 20 years and had no retirement because they needed 30 years to get the benefits.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by moimeme

Discuss it for a long, long time. In the end, a job will never be faithful to you. Husbands might not , either, but you don't snuggle up with a job at night and a job isn't there when you're sick or sad.

 

you are partially correct, as always, MOIMEME. But a job is damn good for paying the bills and your self-esteem.

 

My pa always said: "if you think working is stressful then try not working, it is 10 times more stressful"

[Moose]

Man, my live is so much easier when I prioritize......

 

1. God

2. Family

3. Everything else

 

It would be easier to make a decision if you'd stick to the list. But hey, that's for you to decide. AND, as long as God is number 1, the rest seems to fall into place, career and all.

[Apathy]

Originally posted by Moose

Man, my live is so much easier when I prioritize......

 

1. God

2. Family

3. Everything else

 

It would be easier to make a decision if you'd stick to the list. But hey, that's for you to decide. AND, as long as God is number 1, the rest seems to fall into place, career and all.

 

Not everybody believes on the concept of a god, your advise seem only usable for deeply religious people.

[Moose]

Then make number 1 your family.....or don't do anything at all for that matter. Whatever it may be, your job isn't worth losing or hurting your family over. Period.