Sneaking Around

[solostand]

Call me lost in the affair bubble - I am although I am trying to detach for my own sanity.

 

Anyway something happened yesterday that made me wonder if others have had this experience of reality and guilt.

 

My MM had to have an operation and was in the hospital. I wanted to go visit him but I realized his wife was probably all over him - like actually caring for him and feeding him and making sure he was comfortable. That made me feel guilty and like an interloper, like who am I to just waltz in there, the girlfriend who all the nurses would see - - -like if she knew what the husband she is being so tender towards is up to, she would likely be smashing that porridge in his face.

 

Anyway, I did sneak in to see him early in the morning when I knew she would not be there. The nurses were tending to him and they were telling me everything they were doing as tough I was family. He was grinning ear to ear to see me.

 

Now, we live in a really small town where everyone knows everyone and especially at the hospital - its kind of social you run into people you know.

 

So he said lets go for coffee in the coffee shop. On the way there he met about five people from his town where he lives with his wife. He did not try to hide me - he introduced me.

 

We sat down with one of those people and he put his arm around me! Then he ran into his local priest and introduced me.

 

Then at the hospital door he actually kissed me on the lips goodbye in front of the 100 or so people mingling around.

 

This threw me for a loop. Later his wife picked him up and he phoned me from home. . .

[solostand]

The point or question is GUILT. I felt it. Do others

[dynastic]

That's really dangerous behavior for a MM. Acting like that I'm inclined to think 'maybe he wants to get caught'. The question is, why.

 

Is it because he's too conflict avoidant to have an honest discussion with his wife or does he want to get her attention and thus far she hasn't noticed he's involved with you?

[solostand]

I tend to think he is conflict avoidant and if he gets caught that means he does not have to tell her.

 

Funny thing is she has been throwing out hints all summer. He does not know what they mean but I know they mean she is suspicious.

 

She started paying more attention to him.

She has noticed he is grouchy and one day said You Look Like You Need a Blowjob. She hasnt given him a bj in 30 years.

She constantly refers to a mid-life crisis.

She asked him if he was thinking of having an affair.

She wondered why they werent having much sex.

And when she was drunk last week, she told him if he was having an affair stop, and if he was thinking of having an affair, dont start.

[Goodbye]

I tend to think he is conflict avoidant and if he gets caught that means he does not have to tell her.

 

Funny thing is she has been throwing out hints all summer. He does not know what they mean but I know they mean she is suspicious.

 

She started paying more attention to him.

She has noticed he is grouchy and one day said You Look Like You Need a Blowjob. She hasnt given him a bj in 30 years.

She constantly refers to a mid-life crisis.

She asked him if he was thinking of having an affair.

She wondered why they werent having much sex.

And when she was drunk last week, she told him if he was having an affair stop, and if he was thinking of having an affair, dont start.

 

Yikes? He is telling you this stuff?

[solostand]

It is actually his first.

 

He told me the other day that he is walking foreign ground in this affair because he has never had one before. He has had one night stands but he tells me he has never had more than that and certainly never been in love before - not even with his wife.

 

And of course he tells me what his wife says. Why wouldnt he.

 

I myself wondered if while he was in hospital, she may have put a var in his truck and car.

[whichwayisup]

It is actually his first.

 

He told me the other day that he is walking foreign ground in this affair because he has never had one before. He has had one night stands but he tells me he has never had more than that and certainly never been in love before - not even with his wife.

 

And of course he tells me what his wife says. Why wouldnt he.

 

I myself wondered if while he was in hospital, she may have put a var in his truck and car.

 

Of course, he tells you what his wife says..The woman he lies to daily and has an affair behind his back. You trust every single word that comes out of his mouth because he would never lie or omit truths from you... Seriously, this man has you so manipulated and is telling you what you want to hear so you'll continue to be his OW. He has NO intention of ending his marriage and when there IS a Dday, he'll throw you under the bus. Sorry to be blunt but this guy is so arrogant and cocky, men like that feel entitled to do as they please and never truly believe they'll get caught..Until they do, then they turn into babies and BEG for forgiveness.

 

I doubt you're his first affair. Why would he tell you otherwise?

[MissBee]

Call me lost in the affair bubble - I am although I am trying to detach for my own sanity.

 

Anyway something happened yesterday that made me wonder if others have had this experience of reality and guilt.

 

My MM had to have an operation and was in the hospital. I wanted to go visit him but I realized his wife was probably all over him - like actually caring for him and feeding him and making sure he was comfortable. That made me feel guilty and like an interloper, like who am I to just waltz in there, the girlfriend who all the nurses would see - - -like if she knew what the husband she is being so tender towards is up to, she would likely be smashing that porridge in his face.

 

Anyway, I did sneak in to see him early in the morning when I knew she would not be there. The nurses were tending to him and they were telling me everything they were doing as tough I was family. He was grinning ear to ear to see me.

 

Now, we live in a really small town where everyone knows everyone and especially at the hospital - its kind of social you run into people you know.

 

So he said lets go for coffee in the coffee shop. On the way there he met about five people from his town where he lives with his wife. He did not try to hide me - he introduced me.

 

We sat down with one of those people and he put his arm around me! Then he ran into his local priest and introduced me.

 

Then at the hospital door he actually kissed me on the lips goodbye in front of the 100 or so people mingling around.

 

This threw me for a loop. Later his wife picked him up and he phoned me from home. . .

 

So how do you feel about this?

 

Do you feel great?

 

Do you feel like he is brazen?

[carhill]

If it's a small town and everyone knows everyone, he'd already have a long and colorful reputation of being a serial philanderer if he was one. Further, it's highly likely his wife has known for a long time, both about the serial ONS as well as this affair and any others, if extant.

 

Perhaps it's no assuagement of your guilt but my opinion is this guy is being open and conspicuous, exactly the opposite of 'sneaking around', and openly defiant of the traditional sanctity of his M, presuming it is a traditional M. IMO, the 'guilt' you apparently feel is a canary; a signal. It suggests taking a closer look at this dynamic and deciding what is healthy for yourself. Only you can decide that.

[solostand]

15 years older.

 

And he has actually been married 35 years. His anniversary is tomorrow.

[cif]

He's obviously an older man (married 30 years) with health problems. so you have to ask yourself a serious question........................ Do You want to take care of him as he gets older and sicker????

 

Are you much younger than him? I'm just curious because I see a lot of AP's that are 20 - 25 years younger and I just can't help but wonder why. Why do you want an old man? One that you will have to care for (nurse) and watch die.

 

If I was going to have an A............I'd be looking for a young buck but that's just me.

 

Cash flow. And older men are better in the sack. I wouldn't but that's unfortunately what I see around me with some friends.

Edited September 28, 2013 by cif

[cif]

Money and good sex is all your friends need to break up a long term relationship?

 

Hmm, nice friends.

 

i try not to judge. MM break up the relationship not ow/om. bs lke to think otherwise.

[cif]

HA HA HA!! This made me snort coffee through my nose!

 

I have to disagree with you though. Older men might be good in the sack but for how long? Low T....Erectile Dysfunction, not to mention the medications for cholesterol and blood pressure can have a damaging effect on sex drive.

 

A youngin can be taught the right way and exactly where and also will have the stamina to do it right, and do it long!!:bunny:

 

as for the cash flow............not after Divorce.

 

LOL. have to agree with you. personally i prefer my own age group. But older men have that armpit medication, right? oh and viagra.

[janedoe67]

i try not to judge. MM break up the relationship not ow/om. bs lke to think otherwise.

 

How does a MM break up a marriage if he has no one to diddle around WITH? I mean...if there is no one to have an A with, there's no A, right?

 

But whatever helps you sleep at night.

[cif]

How does a MM break up a marriage if he has no one to diddle around WITH? I mean...if there is no one to have an A with, there's no A, right?

 

But whatever helps you sleep at night.

 

seriously? you just asked that? so no woman should exist because horny MM are prowling the Earth? how is it a single woman's responsibility to make sure your(general, not you) man doesn't cheat on you?

 

if my SO cheats. it would be over. he knows this. is the OW a pos yes but she isn't committed to me.

[solostand]

I thought this forum was for the other woman, so was hoping for a bit more than lectures from BS.

 

So how do I feel about what happened. Conflicted. On the one hand everyone in love wants to publicly acknowledge that so of course I was actually flattered that he was willing to take that risk for me. On the other hand, it is going to lead to a dday sooner rather than later.

 

And no he is not a serial cheater. I have known him for many years and he is known as a good man, a family man, a kind and gentle man. That is why this affair is totally out character.

 

p.s. he phoned today and said he wished I was nursing him. I said I wished I was too.

[ComingInHot]

cif, judge not lest ye be judged, right?!

 

I agree it's the MM who (or MW) who chooses to cheat. BUT, I've Also seen first hand the manipulative behavior of the AP that can take place encouraging the demise of a M.

 

The flip side to this (and what I'm calling you out on posting) is that your judgment of OW/OM being POS's is not always correct. Their behaviors & actions certainly are but I've read here of people who literally can't believe they participated in an A, and are truly good people.

 

I have made my share (and more) of bad choices, but I have always atoned and corrected them because I am a good and decent person even though (shamefully), I have not always acted so*

[truthbetold]

He has had one night stands but he tells me he has never had more than that and certainly never been in love before - not even with his wife.

 

How exactly is a string of ONS NOT serial cheating? Answer honestly for yourself, not anyone else.

 

Here's my take....

 

He's egotistic. Believes he can do whatever he wants.

 

If people catch on, he's disrespecting you by flaunting you around. It may seem like he's proud of you, wants people to see you, or as if he's ready to be with you. Reality is he's flaunting you as an affair partner. It's cheap.

Most likely scenario is he was under the influence of narcotic pain meds and had no idea how foolish he looked.

 

There's no fool like an old fool.

 

Brilliant Red, as usual!

 

I thought this forum was for the other woman,

 

Here.we.go.again Why come to a public forum and complain when you get ALL types of opinions not just ones to blow sunshine?

 

so was hoping for a bit more than lectures from BS.

 

Not everyone is a BS or even OW on the forums, they're public.

 

And no he is not a serial cheater.

 

Yes he is, you're only seeing what you want to.

 

p.s. he phoned today and said he wished I was nursing him. I said I wished I was too.

 

PS if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. I don't see how those momentary words not actions help you in the end.

[HopingAgain]

Just when I think I've seen the most disrespectful posts about behavior from MM and APs on here, one like this comes along and tops it.

 

Stories like this, I actually have started to hope the MM do leave their wives for the AP. Then you can eventually wonder everytime you turn your back what MM is up to since you already know what he's capable of.

[waterwoman]

My dad and mum have been married a looong time. He was in hospital a few years back for a serious procedure. Any OW who was involved might be a bit horrified after that as he came out with a permanent urinary catheter. Sexy eh?

[hollyhillcourt]

I’ve tried to just focus on my situation on my posts, thoughts on moving on to those who are interested, and not offer any advice about staying in an A, etc. Because I am moving on. Am now breaking that rule.

 

From what your write, you feel attacked by the BS’s visiting the OW board. Honestly, I visit their boards too and don’t mind them visiting this one. The point is, a lot of the feedback they provide is helpful if you want to move on and away from the affair so try and keep that in mind if you ever do. It's like any info you receive in life, we sort through it and take what wisdom we need.

 

I had a hard time following your initial post as well, and then you asked about dealing with ‘guilt.’ If you are feeling guilt, then this is a sign that you realize that the relationship is not a healthy one and you need to determine as to whether you want to move on and end the affair. That is what I would do but I realize we are in different places.

 

My exMM also has a 30+ marriage – that is more than half of his life. There were children,anniversaries, illnesses, shared friends, finances, etc. This does not go away easily. It just doesn’t. These are things that he spent the last 3 years analyzing (prior to us meeting) to determine as to whether he would stay or go. And I had to look at this and realize that it would take much time for things to be untangled for him and whether I had the fortitude to be there for him during this time. I do not. This situation would more than likely end up as rebound for me. So, as a smart person I have disconnected.

 

Back to guilt – if you are feeling guilt vs just wanting to share that he took you around the hospital, then use this as a catalyst to go. But I do agree, that parading you around the hospital is not chivalrous behavior. I would never want my exMM to do that – I would be mortified if I was thrown in the BS face. That would make me feel worse about myself.

[brittanyanderson]

And what is your point or question?

this is not a logbook but a forum.

 

and its sad that you even went there.

you know you are wrong for messing with peoples

men.

so why act like its normal good and special.

 

its just wrong and sad.and it say alot about your self esteem.

 

poor wife.

 

wow way to be an *******.

[janedoe67]

Quote:

Originally Posted by cif

seriously? you just asked that? so no woman should exist because horny MM are prowling the Earth? how is it a single woman's responsibility to make sure your(general, not you) man doesn't cheat on you?

 

if my SO cheats. it would be over. he knows this. is the OW a pos yes but she isn't committed to me.

 

The OW help break up the marriage. To think otherwise is foolish. Did they promise the BS they would be faithful? No, of course not. But they still were an active participant in the break up so yes, they absolutely helped break it up.

 

And again, nice friends since you just called them POS. They are shallow and empty, giving up their bodies and time for money and sex. That's about a half step below a prostitute. You should judge, because I promise if these are the kind of people you surround yourself with, then this is how you are viewed as well.

 

Not everyone in Charles Manson's cult was a killer, but no one thinks anything good about them because they were around him willingly. Same for people that hang around a group of women more than happy to jump into bed with married men.

 

 

....

 

For the record, I am a spouse who cheated, and I never said women should not exist. But it only takes the tiniest modicum of actual character to say "um, no thank you" when approached by a married man. I just can't get my head around the "You have a wife and children? Not my problem. Let's party!"

[Speakingofwhich]

Solo, I understand both the emotions and guilt you're experiencing and the conflict they create as I am a fOW. I know it's a tough position to be in.

 

I would like to support you in your journey and I'm sensing that you are progressing on to freedom at some point. I know it's a process that takes time.

 

You have been in my prayers and I encourage you to share your thoughts and emotions with God as He doesn't condemn you, loves you more than MM loves you, and wants to give you a life of peace and happiness! Also, He's your pathway to a gracious escape!

 

I hope you continue to post and I plan to be here to support you. God bless.

[solostand]

Congrads- you are one in a long line of OW's in his life- so many that no one even blinks an eye anymore, not even his wife, when he gets a new one-UGH- you deserve more-everyone deserves more-yuck!

 

I am amazed at the number of people who accuse this man of being a serial cheater on the basis of nothing.

 

Now, I admit I am in love with the guy and I believe strongly he is in love with me.

 

Now, I have known this man for YEARS and have never heard a whisper - and believe me in this small town you hear. All I ever heard about him is he is a perfect gentleman, he is a kind person, he is a really really nice guy.

 

So please, when you throw out things like serial cheater, if it makes you feel better, remember that not every man is a serial cheater. Some may be just dopey in love.