new love old flame HELP

[K]

K, got a problem here. I have been in a relationship for a year and 8 months. I have been living with the guy foy a year and 6 months. I love him very very much. The problem? No sex. well, maybe like 2 times a month. I am a nimpho and he has no drive at all. Not only that, but there isn't any passion. No hunger. I miss it so much and begining to think that it is me. We have talked about it and he keeps saying it isn't. Just recently, I got back in touch with one of my best-guy friends from high school. I haven't seen him in like 3 years. I had a major attraction/infactuation with him then. But Now that I have been talking to him, those old feelings have come back, only in a more mature sence. To the point that I think about him all the time. I have a man that I love deeply, but I think about the other guy. I know I am falling for the other guy. But I love my man. I am so confused. I feel so guilty. But that is just the way I feel. Should I persue this new old flame, or stay with the comfortable Current love? HELP!!!

[Tony T]

I'm sorry you feel guilty about having perfectly normal feelings.

 

You have a significant incompatibility with your current boyfriend. If your libidos are at opposite ends of the poles, the relationship will not work in the longrun. Your sexual frustration will eventually drive you away from him. Yes, you do love him but it takes more than love to make a go of it. You have serious sexual needs that must be fulfilled. Our creator went way out of his way to make males and females biologically such that great pleasure could be decrived from coming together.

 

For you, adequate sex and basic passion are essential components of a relationship. That may be so for your partner as well...but your definitions of adequate are way way off.

 

Whether or not you pursue your old flame or not is your business. The fact is that if you were sexually satisfied and there were greater feelings of passion in your current relationship, you wouldn't be interested in anyone else. Take an inventory of your feelings to be sure you aren't attracted to this old flame out of sexual frustration. From your post, it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you have some genuine feelings for this guy...for both of them, actually.

 

It is extremely possible to love two men, or more, at the same time. But with nature as the referee, a relationship where there is passion and our basic sexual needs are being met will win anytime over one where they are not.

 

Assuming you have done everything you possibly can to communicate with your current boyfriend about your needs and assuming both of you have done everything the two of you can to work on this issue, I see that you have no other alternative but to cease the relationship. Fact is, you would eventually be driven to seek sexual fulfillment in another relationship anyway. Only a matter of time.

 

So who else you see is totally up to you. You know what your feelings are. But your current situation is destined to fail, given the lack of passion and serious sexual void. You do understand that the initial fireworks of any relationship does not last forever...but your case, it has fizzled way too soon.

 

You have to be strong...you have to do what you must...and you have to do it for the benefit of your current guy and you as well. He can find someone whose needs are more compatible with him. Splitting now will save you from having to be unfaithful later. You can't let your guilt overcome you here. Staying with him is not an honest thing to do given you unhappiness.

 

Since you are vulnerable to feeling great amounts of guilt, make the break clean, swift and decisive. Later on, you may be able to have contact...but initially you'll need to stay away. There will be hurt here but it's necessary hurt...to prevent even more pain later.

 

Now, I caution you. Take this new attraction slowly. If I were you, I would do some serious exploring of the many options open to you. I can't tell, without talking to you, just how much your attraction to this old flame is due to real, honest feelings or just fooling yourself out of a desperate need for more sensory fulfillment. That does happen.

 

There are lots of guys with high libido out there that you can be attracted to. Next time, way before you make a committment to anyone, communicate your needs well and make sure the requirements that are critical to you can be met.

[Deejette]

Your boyfriend is not fulfilling your needs. Do you think it will get better in the future, when he is older? No, it will not, unless you really let him know where the problem is. If he is willing to work on it, then fine.

 

If he cannot get some spark and fire into his sexlife, then personally, I would not stay in the relationship, even if I loved him, because the continuous frustration will come out in other ways, like anger and resentment.

I'm sorry you feel guilty about having perfectly normal feelings. You have a significant incompatibility with your current boyfriend. If your libidos are at opposite ends of the poles, the relationship will not work in the longrun. Your sexual frustration will eventually drive you away from him. Yes, you do love him but it takes more than love to make a go of it. You have serious sexual needs that must be fulfilled. Our creator went way out of his way to make males and females biologically such that great pleasure could be decrived from coming together. For you, adequate sex and basic passion are essential components of a relationship. That may be so for your partner as well...but your definitions of adequate are way way off. Whether or not you pursue your old flame or not is your business. The fact is that if you were sexually satisfied and there were greater feelings of passion in your current relationship, you wouldn't be interested in anyone else. Take an inventory of your feelings to be sure you aren't attracted to this old flame out of sexual frustration. From your post, it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you have some genuine feelings for this guy...for both of them, actually. It is extremely possible to love two men, or more, at the same time. But with nature as the referee, a relationship where there is passion and our basic sexual needs are being met will win anytime over one where they are not. Assuming you have done everything you possibly can to communicate with your current boyfriend about your needs and assuming both of you have done everything the two of you can to work on this issue, I see that you have no other alternative but to cease the relationship. Fact is, you would eventually be driven to seek sexual fulfillment in another relationship anyway. Only a matter of time. So who else you see is totally up to you. You know what your feelings are. But your current situation is destined to fail, given the lack of passion and serious sexual void. You do understand that the initial fireworks of any relationship does not last forever...but your case, it has fizzled way too soon. You have to be strong...you have to do what you must...and you have to do it for the benefit of your current guy and you as well. He can find someone whose needs are more compatible with him. Splitting now will save you from having to be unfaithful later. You can't let your guilt overcome you here. Staying with him is not an honest thing to do given you unhappiness. Since you are vulnerable to feeling great amounts of guilt, make the break clean, swift and decisive. Later on, you may be able to have contact...but initially you'll need to stay away. There will be hurt here but it's necessary hurt...to prevent even more pain later. Now, I caution you. Take this new attraction slowly. If I were you, I would do some serious exploring of the many options open to you. I can't tell, without talking to you, just how much your attraction to this old flame is due to real, honest feelings or just fooling yourself out of a desperate need for more sensory fulfillment. That does happen.

 

There are lots of guys with high libido out there that you can be attracted to. Next time, way before you make a committment to anyone, communicate your needs well and make sure the requirements that are critical to you can be met.

[K]

I have given it a lot of thought and I know my current loves me I just don't think he is INlove with me anymore. I was his first everything including a major relationship. But everytime I try to ask him how he feels, or whatever the responce I get is a shrugging of the shoulders and an I don't know. I can't ever get a straight answer. I used to be happy. I am not anymore. I can't get anywhere. But I am afraid of throwing away almost 2 years of my life. I threw away 3 years before him, and 2 before that. I am tired at failing at relationships. I am beginning to think that it is me. But I do all I can to please guys. But I haven't done anything to please myself. I guess I am just afraid of failing again, and being alone. I don't know, I am really depressed now. I don't know what to do.

[Deejette]

You haven't failed in those relationships, you and the guys have learned a lot on the road to finding a really great relationship that is really right for you.

 

The average person has many relationships in their lives and not all last forever. That doesn't mean they are failures. The relationship lasted as long as it was meant to last.

 

I was in a marriage for 10 years to a man I put through medical school. I did not consider the marriage to be a failure when it was over. And I did not consider myself a failure. I did everything I could to support that man and now he is a great doctor. I went on to more satisfying relationships that ended too, but they were not failures and I did not throw away my life.

 

All those experiences make me what I am today. I learned a lot through each of them and you will too. So don't worry that you won't meet anyone else and that your life is over. You are on a journey to discover the right companionship for yourself.

I have given it a lot of thought and I know my current loves me I just don't think he is INlove with me anymore. I was his first everything including a major relationship. But everytime I try to ask him how he feels, or whatever the responce I get is a shrugging of the shoulders and an I don't know. I can't ever get a straight answer. I used to be happy. I am not anymore. I can't get anywhere. But I am afraid of throwing away almost 2 years of my life. I threw away 3 years before him, and 2 before that. I am tired at failing at relationships. I am beginning to think that it is me. But I do all I can to please guys. But I haven't done anything to please myself. I guess I am just afraid of failing again, and being alone. I don't know, I am really depressed now. I don't know what to do.

[K]

Ok, so if it doesn't work it isn't a failure. But, what if it was meant to be, and I screw it up by telling him my feelings. He will leave me and then it would be my fault things didn't work out. I do really love him. Maybe I should just do it and get it over with, if it we were meant to be with each other, then he won't shrug his shoulders and say the normal i dont know, or i don't care. If he does then i know it is over. Thank you so much. I really needed to just talk to someone about it.