What if the OW gets pregnant?

[CrystalCastles]

Has there ever been such a thing posted about this on LS? What do the MM and OW do if that happens? Just a general question.

[Feb]

Yes, there have been postings about this. Not sure if the search engine works really well, but search on 'labor', 'baby', or 'pregnancy'. From what I have seen on this board, the MM never leaves his marriage or even confesses to the A or the baby. The OW faces the pregnancy, labor, delivery and raising the baby all by herself with no support from MM.

 

I feel particularly bad for these women, as the baby ends up really testing if the OW is a man of his word. Sadly, most fail the test. It is a lesson for all others to be make sure they use birth control, unless they are really ok with being a single parent.

[Eggplant]

It's the whole entire reason why people evolved to have affairs. It happens. Then either the child gets no father, or the BW has to share her husband's parental resources with another woman and child.

[MissBee]

My exMM and I spoke about this frequently since we were having unprotected sex for so many years. We both discussed our wishes and desires, and we both spoke about how we felt about abortion and such. I expressed to him that I would never have an abortion and since he knew that from the get go, he was participating while knowing that if I became pregnant he would be a Daddy again - he agreed and we carried on. He didn't want more children necessarily - he had never wanted any children in the first place. But, he obviously weighed it out and took the risk. We discussed how we would handle it if that happened. He really didn't have a lot of say seeing as how it would have been my body carrying the baby if it happened. I was up front and honest with him that I would not lie, that his name would go on the birth certificate (as I was NOT going to act like I didn't know who the father was when I damn well know I don't sleep around, lol!), and that he would deal with the consequences of that (everyone would have found out pretty quickly that there was a baby, including his wife, we share friends and acquaintances). Again, he continued to participate, so he was agreeing in his own way - or at least, he wasn't being tricked or duped into anything - he had choices and he made them.

 

We talked about how cute our babies would be, lol - and they would have been! We even discussed names as he has a sort of "naming system" he likes that he has used (he named all of his children) - and we joked about me messing up his naming system by using my own naming system... lol.

 

We weren't trying to get pregnant, we did try to be "careful" at times - but mostly, we just took our chances. I wasn't opposed to having a child with him - but I wasn't actively seeking it - it was a kind of let the universe do what it will situation.

 

I had a very good friend years ago whose husband cheated on her and his OW did get pregnant. He divorced my friend, married the OW, and they are still together today - with more kids! I think they divorced in like 2001 or 2002ish? So, it's been a good long while that they have been together and I think that they have at least 3 kids now. I know that my exMM talked about how he would be "torn" between us - his two families. How he would want to be involved with raising his child with me - but how that would jeopardize his relationship with his existing children. So, I'm sure that couples that are connecting and speaking deeply are thinking about this. And I know it happens - as it did to my friend. I also have read that some OWs keep the children a secret - and that was just something that I was not willing to do - raise my child under a cloud of shame and guilt when he/she did nothing to deserve that - and I wasn't ashamed of what I was doing with exMM -love is not shameful, societal boundaries/limitations be damned.

 

 

Well thank God no children were born as they don't deserve the drama indeed.

 

As for society? LOL! It really isn't. Love has nothing to do with this...come on. Lots of people love each other without the secrets and drama of an A. Society doesn't ban divorce neither can society stop you from living in a polyamorous relationship or open marriage...so if you're cheating on your spouse and impregnate the OW...it's your own fault and hasn't a darn thing to do with made-up limitations. Where is the poster to talk about "un-agentic" views on life now? There are lots of choices here. Lots of legit ones too.

 

As for me: we discussed it once hypothetically. I asked what he would do if it happened? He said he would be there for me etc. I am happy I never got to find out beyond the context of hypothetical. I'm not interested in being anyone's baby's mom, without the stability of an open, loving, supportive relationship and family unit to raise our child in. I don't even want to have a baby with a single boyfriend that I'm not married to much less someone else's spouse. Nope. No thanks. I'm very careful about my sexual health and reproduction though and I haven't had unprotected sex with anyone...so furthermore to be having unprotected sex with a married man who is cheating???? Yeah no. My mom didn't raise a fool. My life, health and sanity are important to me and I'm not gonna unnecessarily put myself in a predicament like that. Lurve or love...I'm not giving a MM all the benefits of a single/committed/open/exclusive relationship unless he can give me that as well. I also don't want to bring any child of mine into such a debacle if I don't have to, as I probably wouldn't have an abortion, so knowing that, I'm just very picky about who I will allow that privilege of potentially being my child's dad and someone I'm tied to for life. I can't control a lot but what I can control and prevent, I do my best to.

Edited September 29, 2013 by MissBee

[staryeyes]

I am going through this right now. I became pregnant mm wife found out he left me to be with her. The lack of contact and stress put me into early labor and my son was born on sept 18 at 33 weeks. My little one is struggling he was born at 4 lbs, he had emergency surgery last night for a heart issue and today was put on a venitlator to give his body a little break. I text and email mm everything that happens and I get "k" . I have decided I need to get a lawyer involved because my son deserves at least that much and I will NOT hide my son. I am shocked by my exmm who always said he would not abandon any of his children and here I am doing it all alone

[legalgirl]

Its one thing to have an affair, but to put yourself in that position is just irresponsible if you ask me. It is not going to end well for anyone involved. I doubt in most situations a baby will change the MM's mind on whether or not he is going to leave.

[ComingInHot]

exOW pulled the pregnant card w/My H. She wasn't BUT because of the Unprotected two times, he was Scared to death. She had told him she couldn't get pregnant then claimed it was a Miracle of God. Even used her Sister's Ultrasound pic. :sick:

 

It definitely proved the point that stickin' Your ding don't where it don't belong and getting pregnant does Not guarantee a forever relationship w/a MM.

 

Maybe cash for 18 years... but nothing more.

 

Another HUGE disappointment was that My H actually said he would support her a pay for her... to get an abortion.

 

That killed me as I was adopted and my bio-mom fought to Not kill me. It was the most heartbreaking act she said she'd ever done. The most Unselfish and loving act as far as I'm concerned. And they Were M'd when I was conceived!! :sick:

 

(Don't think I've Ever used so many "vomit" faces in one post)*

[ComingInHot]

East Coaster... I like you! You're smart, honest & Witty*

[SoleMate]

We've had numerous cases on pregnant OW on LS. It has inevitably been a sad story involving MMs ranging from dismissive and uncaring, to creepy mean, selfish and nasty, to downright violent and brutal. :( :mad: I'm sorry to say I can't recall even one case where a MM stepped up even 25% of the way he should have.

 

We're here to give support to the exOW and their innocent, rejected (by MM) children.

 

And it's the thought of those children that gives a lot of energy to my anti-A (and if you have an A anyway, use BC!) advice on LS.

[carhill]

Has there ever been such a thing posted about this on LS? What do the MM and OW do if that happens? Just a general question.

If you use advanced search and target the infidelity and OM/OW forums, it's pretty easy to find anecdotes. Here's a sample result of such a search:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/259849-pregnant#post3182490

 

You'll be able to find similar results with the search words provided by others.

 

I've seen the gamut, from carried to term, to miscarriage, to abortion. I recall one particular young lady of college age who posted about her older MM pushing her to get an abortion and I recall she had chosen to keep the child and mounted a legal position to support that choice, as her father was a lawyer. It's probably in the archives somewhere.

 

IMO, if the OW gets pregnant, it's handled legally as any other non-marital pregnancy and socially as the parties choose. In our culture, it can be a difficult social situation, as infidelity is frowned upon, so other 'explanations' may be formed to explain it. Still, it's a new life worthy of love and respect and care, if birth is the choice. Life goes on.

[hurtnomorerika]

Hi! I logged in just to respond to this post. PLEASE IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT BY MM, PLEASE DONT. You will find out the real person in him once you tell him you're pregnant.

 

My story in a nutshell.

 

My daughter is a month old and her dad (ex MM) has not seen her. He left me when I told him I was pregnant. I didnt see him throughout the entire pregnancy, he changed his number so I couldnt even contact him. I got in contact with his mother towards the end of my pregnancy and he still didnt have anything to do with me or the baby. we were seeing each 2 years before I got pregnant, we were together every other day. I would have never thought in a million years that he would have left me like that, but he did. I mailed him a picture of the baby to his job that he should get today and I made it to where he would have to sign for it. I doubt he'll even respond to that.

 

Im happy to have my baby, she's made me the happiest I've been throughout this whole mess. I just wish she would have been bought in to a better situation with a father that loves her and there for her. It breaks my heart because thats what she deserves.

 

This experience has made me NEVER want to get involved with another married man. Please dont bring a baby into it, it might be too hurtful.

[CrystalCastles]

Hi! I logged in just to respond to this post. PLEASE IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT BY MM, PLEASE DONT. You will find out the real person in him once you tell him you're pregnant

 

Absolutely not, I am not involved with any married men and there is NO WAY I would be having babies with them. Reading the story that Carhill posted is heartbreaking and scary, and I would not have the courage and strength to go through with that kind of ordeal.

 

From the posts on here, it seems like it's easy for a MM to make promises, and then disappear when the going gets tough.

[ComingInHot]

hurtnomorerika, Oh gosh, I'm so glad to see you post! I've been praying for you & your precious daughter!!

And there's nothing more powerful than a story like yours.

 

So happy to hear you went from victim to victor w/your little gift in tow!!

CIH*

[hurtnomorerika]

hurtnomorerika, Oh gosh, I'm so glad to see you post! I've been praying for you & your precious daughter!!

And there's nothing more powerful than a story like yours.

 

So happy to hear you went from victim to victor w/your little gift in tow!!

CIH*

 

THANK YOU! Its been hard, but I made it through. I learned a big lesson. I hate him for what he's done to us, but I know GOD will handle it. I have to be strong and carry on for my babies. Life goes on.

 

My daughter is precious and handful of joy. He's the one missing out.

[LilGirlandOW]

and some men say they had a vasectomy, being monogamous with a "fixed" man you might think you dont have to worry as much about that, which isnt always the case...

[MissBee]

 

THese guys are looking for something extra on the side, they're not looking to become secret daddies. They seriously need to up their damned game and be more responsible with contraception if they want to double dip.

 

Hilarious...but very frank and true. Most MM indeed are not signing up to become secret daddies, so the OW getting pregnant is the worst thing that could happen for all parties.

 

As the one who has to bear the child though, I really think OW should not be lax about contraceptive, no matter how "in love" they feel themselves to be with MM and him them, as love or no love, you are in a secret relationship with a man who isn't obligated to you and whose family will not throw you a baby shower and embrace your love child...that's the reality. So be smart about it and don't sign yourself up and your offspring up for drama.

 

I had an A but I will say, I kept my wits about me in terms of not taking certain risks and investing into the A in ways which would be detrimental to my future or that of an innocent child. It's common sense to me: if a man isn't willing to be in an open relationship with you and you alone, why would you think having a baby with him is a good idea???? because the babies would be cute??? LMAO! Yea...okay. No. If you're over the age of 15, you shouldn't base who to have children with on the potential level of cuteness. Children aren't just cute dolls you have and play with or bargain with...they're human beings who need stable parents and a loving home and I just think it is terribly selfish and foolish to be in an affair and be flippant about having a child in that kind of context.

[MissBee]

For me, as a single and financially independent person, I was okay with getting pregnant. I have no children of my own biologically, but could handle that responsibility (and would gladly do so) on my own, no problems at all. So, although I've never purposely tried to get pregnant - if it happened, I would consider it a gift and would be happy about it and am confident that I could do it on my own (and do it well, lol!) so, no worries. If the father of my child didn't want to be involved, so be it - I wouldn't force it, I would just - do it on my own. Whether it had been exMM or someone else, doesn't matter, I would just do it on my own.

 

Many children grow up in one parent families and go on to be successful and well rounded - our current president comes to mind. And, not all things are in our control, so, you just take the cards you are dealt and do the best you can with them. I cannot use BC for physical reasons, so sex for me is always "unprotected". That's why I don't have sex with everyone and anyone, and why I don't have sex until I KNOW someone fairly well. That IS my BC, lol - in that, I'm not catching diseases. And in almost 10 years of being with exMM, not a single disease caught - so, you know... lol And no babies either - which I just take as the universe doing its thing and it just not happening.

 

Curious, why can't you use birth control? You certainly don't need to share but I know people allergic to latex condoms, but they have condoms with other materials available for such people. As well as different formulas and kinds of pills, spermicide creams and sprays and IUDs which can be implanted....so I'm not readily able to imagine, nor have I heard of someone who wasn't able to use ANY form of BC.

[MissBee]

Hmmm... not sure why you quoted my post here as you didn't address it - unless simply stating that you are glad that we didn't have children together? lol

 

 

I did. I addressed your point about society's limitations as well as agreeing that it's a lucky thing no kids were born into the scenario.

 

The rest though was simply my answer to the original question

[MissBee]

Oh, got ya. Eh, pillow talk is pillow talk, lol. Being prepared and willing but not actually trying isn't flippant - it's just letting the universe do its will. And yeah, we would have had CUTE babies, lol. (It's nice that you are insinuating that I wouldn't be a good parent because we pillow talked about how cute our kids would be... lol)

 

 

I wasn't addressing my post to you WTHF....

 

ANY woman, or man, who chooses to be in a secret affair and doesn't take precaution not to be pregnant/impregnate the other person and bring a child into an obviously tumultuous situation is irresponsible and self-centered.

 

As for the talk of the universe? I believe in the universe but not so sure about carelessness and how that applies...but to each her own concept of how that works.

[MissBee]

I have an allergy to the latex, and the "other" materials for condoms (which anything other than latex isn't considered effective anyway). I'm allergic to the creams and inserts. And I can't take oral because of a heart condition.

 

I guess the universe doesn't want my cute kids... lol.

 

Hmm.....unfortunate!

[ComingInHot]

Nunya, It SHOULD, I agree!!

[2sure]

There are many threads here by OW pregnant with MM.

 

As we can see in this particular thread, the conversation between OW and MM about hypothetical pregnancy includes him being there for OW and baby. But the reality is not that.

 

I am one that thinks most affairs are made up of theory's, hypothetical what if stories, and future talk that never comes to be. I know there are exceptions and also know that not every woman here is ready to here that, and that's ok in my book. I'm pretty much done talking about the morality of affairs because it's just my opinion and not that important.

 

But I do think this is important. There have been OW here drink so much of the koolaid about MM would leave except for the kids. He's a great dad and loyal.

So, she gets pregnant thinking the MM will extend that to her child as well. But it doesn't transfer.

 

Any adult who isn't using at least one form of birth control while engaging in casual sex, sex with a non monogamous partner, or in a secret relationship ...that gets pregnant , wanted to. Either on purpose or through carelessness.

 

Not only are there OW here that have actually been through the ordeal for real, not hypothetically , but there are adult children born into this.

 

No amount of good parenting , especially hypothetical good parenting can erase their search for identity, their rejected feeling, or the questions. Think of an adult still wondering why half siblings are rejecting them or why he is a secret cousin. It isn't the same at all as adoption.

 

It is beyond irresponsible and beyond imagination for an OW to take risks that involve an baby and future adult based on hypothetical conversations or day dreams of what it's like to have a child.

 

I wouldn't trust a MM's word alone that he had a vasectomy or that he was monogamous . He is a skilled liar, and although I might risk my heart or health , I would not risk a child. If I couldn't use birth control, I'd find a single guy that at least wouldn't attempt to hide the child or make excuses for it.

[MissBee]

There are many threads here by OW pregnant with MM.

 

As we can see in this particular thread, the conversation between OW and MM about hypothetical pregnancy includes him being there for OW and baby. But the reality is not that.

 

I am one that thinks most affairs are made up of theory's, hypothetical what if stories, and future talk that never comes to be. I know there are exceptions and also know that not every woman here is ready to here that, and that's ok in my book. I'm pretty much done talking about the morality of affairs because it's just my opinion and not that important.

 

But I do think this is important. There have been OW here drink so much of the koolaid about MM would leave except for the kids. He's a great dad and loyal.

So, she gets pregnant thinking the MM will extend that to her child as well. But it doesn't transfer.

 

Any adult who isn't using at least one form of birth control while engaging in casual sex, sex with a non monogamous partner, or in a secret relationship ...that gets pregnant , wanted to. Either on purpose or through carelessness.

 

Not only are there OW here that have actually been through the ordeal for real, not hypothetically , but there are adult children born into this.

 

No amount of good parenting , especially hypothetical good parenting can erase their search for identity, their rejected feeling, or the questions. Think of an adult still wondering why half siblings are rejecting them or why he is a secret cousin. It isn't the same at all as adoption.

 

It is beyond irresponsible and beyond imagination for an OW to take risks that involve an baby and future adult based on hypothetical conversations or day dreams of what it's like to have a child.

 

I wouldn't trust a MM's word alone that he had a vasectomy or that he was monogamous . He is a skilled liar, and although I might risk my heart or health , I would not risk a child. If I couldn't use birth control, I'd find a single guy that at least wouldn't attempt to hide the child or make excuses for it.

 

 

'Nuff said!