Should I tell her I still love her with all my heart?

[Universe]

We were in an intense monogomous relationship for 5 years. We are both 25. For the last year or more, we both were very depressed and the relationship suffered a great deal. Sex started to become a problem. After trying everything we could think of we finally decided that we needed to break up to get out from under the pressure of the relationship.

The clarity I gained from breaking up was unreal. I could see exactly why things weren't working and knew how to avoid the pitfalls I had fallen into. I could see that it was mostly my fault that things had gotten as bad as they did.

About 10 days after breaking up, I told her this and said I wanted to get back together. But I felt I had done some irreparable damage. So I asked her if she had fallen out of love with me. She said she thought so. She did not want to get back together.

I immediately went to work to try and figure out how to make her love me again. She was still very depressed and confused. She wasn't having the clarity I was. I decided to give her more time and take more time to improve myself and my situation and make a plan for making her remember how she loved me. When we were together she loved me completely and more passionately than I ever dreamed possible. In the next month I saw her a hand full of times. They were pleastant, but short meetings. I couldn't stand it anymore. So I went to try again. But she was distant and seemed really uncomfortable. I knew something was up. I got the truth out of her. She had started sleeping with an older (37year old) guy only two weeks after we broke up. She recalled telling me that she had fallen out of love with me and amended her statement. She said she thought she had, but upon further reflection, had not. And she said that she did not love this guy and did not really want to be dating him. But I was totally flipped out about her sleeping with this guy. It wasn't good. I was crushed. I thought it was all over. It was the most traumatic night of my life. But the next day I emailed her and told her I still wanted to be in her life. I called her later that week and told her that I could get over "what has happened or is still happening." She said she could see us together in the future, but she wanted us to be able to experience ourselve in different dynamics with different people and therefore did not want to have a romantic relationship in the immediate future.

That was two weeks ago. We went to a concert together this past tuesday and hung out. We had a great time. We actually talked during most of the concert. We didn't talk about anything serious that had happened. I tried to keep it comfortable and it was. I was a good night.

I also wrote a song, recorded it, and gave he a CD of it the night we went to the concert (I'm a songwriter). I didn't tell her what it was when I gave it to her. I called to see if she wanted to hang out on Friday. She said she was sick. I believe her, but I would understand if she were lying. She hasn't mentioned the song yet. It's possible she hasn't listened to it yet. But I can't imagine her going this long without listening to it. So I'm worried about her lack of comment.

So in the past week I've started to really realize how things got so messed up. We loved each other completely. And she did everything she could to show it. But my way of showing it was what messed it up. I didn't know how to show her, but I thought I did. I showed her compulsively, but not honestly. I was walking on egg shells instead of love her with the full force of my person. I was having a sortof identity crisis. And she didn't feel loved. But I loved her so much. I knew I was doing it wrong and couldn't figure out why. But now I know how to love her. Now I know what honest true love is and how to show it.

Looking back over my email to her and the lyrics to my song, I realize that I have not made totally obvious that I still love her with all my heart. I feel it should be obvious. But haven't actually said the words to her since I found out about her new man. I don't expect her to come back to me soon. I understand the damage I've done and that it will take time to repair. I'm willing to wait for her and work on loving her better in the mean time. But I'm not sure to what extent I should let her know all this. I want to be totally honest with her because I know that total honesty is required in love.

 

SO MY QUESTION IS: Should I tell her that I love her with all my heart? She may still think I'm bitter about her sleeping with this guy. I don't even know if it's still going on or not. I haven't asked her. Should I tell her that I realize now how self-absorbed I was and that I thought I was showing her my love, but was doing so compulsively instead of honestly? I'm afraid of drumming up the past. I want to create a new future for us.

Basically, I don't know how much I should share with her about how I feel right now because I'm trying to win her back and I don't want to pressure her. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to convince myself of something. I just want her to know that I still love her and want to have the chance to show her.

 

This post is really long. Thank you for reading this far. Can anyone help me? I really messed up with this girl and I love her more than anything. I know she loves me, but now she has years of experience of me failing to make her feel loved.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Work your post here into a letter and give it to her in all its heartbreaking honesty. Don't leave out anything, not even your perceptions of her reactions to you - you have some things that need to be said to her, and if you can say them to us random strangers on the other end of your screen - there's no reason you can't say them to this girl that you see as the love of your life. At the very least, you can say that you opened up your heart to her completely and honestly and let out all that angst that was building up in there. Then, hopefully she'll open up her heart to you honestly as well and tell you whether or not there is a real future for you two. For good or for bad, you can at least say you tried. Your regret for not trying would far outweigh any outcome or closure you will have as a result of baring it all to her.

[hurtingandconfused]

Should I tell her that I love her with all my heart?

No she already knows that you love her with all your heart. It's pointless to tell her every time you talk/see her.

 

She may still think I'm bitter about her sleeping with this guy.

Good, she should know that you are bitter. Two weeks and already she's sleeping around. No respect in her part.

 

Should I tell her that I realize now how self-absorbed I was and that I thought I was showing her my love, but was doing so compulsively instead of honestly?

No don't tell her how bad of a lover you were. It's too late already.

 

I'm afraid of drumming up the past. I want to create a new future for us.

For the most part it's over. There is no future for the two of you. You want what you cannot have: and that is life.

 

Basically, I don't know how much I should share with her about how I feel right now because I'm trying to win her back and I don't want to pressure her.

Don't tell her s***. If anything, tell her that you are doing great.

 

Don't send her anything. If you tell her how you truly feel she will step all over you. Be strong, be confident, and have faith in yourself. You cannot "win" something when you've already lost it.

[smile]

Hmm well firstly I think maybe she needs time to think. Maybe she found the cd and is working out what she thinks. If you were being friends a friendly hey hows it going txt would be ok... but maybe now is too soon to dump on her all the bad stuff.

 

The past is in the past and if you want to have a future with her try to start fresh. Don't hold her or you accountable for things you two did when you were apart... yeh it hurts but truly she wasnt with you when she did it... you can be hurt, but do not judge her. She was searching for something... dont judge her on where she tried to find it.. people make mistakes, she didnt cheat on you... just let that go.

 

You found clarity, you did the whole self reflective thing and you feel great about it right? empowered and proud? give her the opportunity to get there too... she deserves it right?

 

She knows you love her.. I am sure of it... but maybe she is still mixed up. I think if you love her respect that. Be honest with yourself... are you ok being around while she finds herself.. even if its not with you? If you arent then maybe nc is best here.

 

I cant say what to do because I have been in a similar boat. She will appreciate the not judging and the no pressure... there are a million ways to say "i love you" without saying it... if you do stick around make her feel special and like you really know her. You seem to have the opportunity here to build a strong relationship... friendship or love... patience is a virtue for a reason.. its tough...

 

hang in there.

[Cupcake]

I really admire your admiration and love for her. Yes you should tell her that you love her with all of your heart. Remember, love is a verb that requires action. Show her that you love her. Don't just say it. And the best way to start is simply by being there for her.

[GirlDown]

not everyone finds clarity within 10 days.

 

give her more time.

 

 

when i found my "clarity" after breaking up with my ex, it took me a lot longer. and then i realized i did the right thing and didn't need him. i was happy with myself.

 

good luck. depression is tough to begin with. i hope your clarity involved things about yourself that don't concern the love aspect.

 

you are what is most important, after all.

 

like i said, give her more time, and if she wants to, she will come to you.

[Universe]

Thanks everyone for your replies. They were all insightful. Smile’s post really hit on the head what my gut says. Surprisingly, I’m feeling not so bad about her sleeping with other people. I do wish she would stop, but on her terms not mine. I know now that we broke up because I was having an identity crisis and knew in my heart that it was my fault things were falling apart between us. My identity crisis made it impossible to effectively show her my love for her. But, I was still deeply in love with her. So my love was not getting across.

I recovered so quickly after the break up because I knew exactly what was wrong. I just couldn’t fix it under the pressure of the relationship. shee had also moved out of the apartment about two months before the break up. So it was coming on for a while. I had a lot of time to think about why things weren’t working and to figure out what was wrong with me when she moved out. We were still seeing each other every day. We were just consciously giving each other space. I believe that’s why I recovered so quickly after making the break. The break was over two months ago.

 

So my next question is:

 

How often should I try to spend time with her? Should I make dates? Should I just call her spontaneously? How often? Because we’re friendly and comfortable with each other now. But I don’t want to come on too fast. I don’t want to be a bother. I just want to show her how much I love her and how confident and comfortable with myself I am now.

 

So how often? I don't have any way to see her unless I call her and make plans.