Question - why is ex checking up on me?

[piper27]

Just wanted to ask the guys:

 

My ex dumped me about 5 weeks ago. It was a rather bad breakup, because he was really childish and immature about the whole thing. Essentially, he said he couldn't accept a girl with my characteristics as his girlfriend - he thought I was fierce and aggressive, and he couldn't and didn't feel that way for me anymore. We're not speaking at all, because I was very disappointed, especially when he wrote his sister to tell her that 'she's a strong girl, she'll get over it'. He never apologized for the hurt he caused, but to be so callous about someone else's pain such as to dismiss it... that took the cake for me.

 

Anyway, in 8 months we quarrelled a grand total of 3 times, and everytime we had a quarrel he wanted to break up. The first time he swore at me, and I walked out. The second time, he stood me up for dinner, and then wanted to break up because he said no one was allowed to get angry at him. The third time, he talked down to me and I got really angry and shouted back, and he wanted to break up again - i.e. I am fierce and aggressive. The rest of the time, we were really good and comfortable together. It was just that he couldn't handle the quarrels, or a woman standing up to him. And he had a massive insecurity complex. He always said he wanted a docile and submissive girl, but I guess he really liked me coz despite the fact that I was so not what he wanted, he still went out with me, and we were happy for most of it. Except for the quarrels and the wars after the quarrels.

 

Anyway, he got hold of my blog address about 2 weeks ago. Ever since then, he's been checking it at least 5 times a day (except on weekends, when he checks it two times a day). I can tell whenever the office IP address shows up on my tracker (no one else has my blog address, i suspect his sis gave it to him). At first I got freaked, but then realized it was probably him.

 

1 week ago, I did this entry on an emotional checklist which I wanted to have - there were lots of references to my previous relationship in a general manner, as in, things that I didn't want in a relationship. Such as a man who was so immature he could turn a small fight into a 2 week all-out war and want to break-up over it. That night, he changed his profile on Friendster to read that he was 'in a relationship'. For all the 8 months we were together, his profile said he was 'single'. But I never asked him to change it, coz I never changed mine either - didn't think it was very important.

 

Why is he checking my blog all the time, and what's with the friendster change? Is he really in a relationship, or trying to get back at me? Anyone have any clue?

[krbshappy71]

Eh, he isn't over you. Obviously. If you are over him, quit worrying about what he's doing and whether he really is "involved" because that's what his status says. Move on. Change your blog location if you have to. Sounds like you are posting in it to get information to him anyhow. If not, then moving it should not be a problem for you if you truly want him out of the picture.

[Cupcake]

What is blog? And is there a way I can track my email account to see is someone else is checking it?

[piper27]

Heh

 

Well I'm obviously not over him yet. But ever since I've known he's checking, I put less stuff down.

 

I don't know if he's not over me - after all, he was the one who dumped me, and he sounded damn sure about it too. Said he didn't feel that way anymore.

 

As for email, no you can't check. Why don't you just get one of those emails which tell you when was the last time you logged in? and then just remember when you actually do.

[piper27]

Just wondering - d'you think it's because he's not over me, or just that he's being possessive and jealous and wanting to feel like I'm not over him so it makes him feel good? I mean, after all, he is supposed to have moved on and found a new girlfriend, so why bother checking your ex girlfriend's blog so fanatically?

 

I don't really know if I want him back, but I just wonder what he's thinking.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by piper27

Just wondering - d'you think it's because he's not over me, or just that he's being possessive and jealous and wanting to feel like I'm not over him so it makes him feel good?

 

That is a distinct possibility.

 

It would appear that he also has come maturity & control issues as well.

[budd98]

My ex is doing the same thing to me too. We broke up 4.5 months ago and she broke it off for another guy. Now she text messages me once a week and calls periodically. The guy she left me for, she was over him in the first 2 weeks and now I believe she is with someone new. I don't understand why she keeps trying to communicate with me when she is with someone new, but it really sucks. I try to ignore every attempt, but everytime she does try I think about it more and more. It sucks! I really do want to move on, but it is impossible when they keep trying to check up on you. I suggest changing your web deal and even changing your number. That will really make him wonder about you and it will drive him crazy........

[piper27]

Erm... Scott - I'm not sure which one you are referring to as a 'distinct possibility' - that he still likes me, or that he just wants to feel like i'm not over him... clarify please?

 

anyway, Budd, I'm not sure about your situation with your ex, coz I dont know anything, but I do know that I'm friends with all my other exes, and we stayed that way because even though I broke up with them, I still called them to find out how they were. She may still care for you, even though she knows she does not want to be with you. Normally, you can hear it in the other person's voice whether she is calling out of genuine concern, or just to get a kick out of the situation. If it's just to get a kick, ignore her. If she really still cares for you, when you get over her, you might just become good friends. Just that now it hurts because you're not ready to let go of your anger yet.

[piper27]

She may not want to lose you - you did spend 4.5 years together after all. Give it some time, i mean, depending on why you broke up in the end, maybe you can salvage something out of your 4.5 years. But if you're really sure that you don't want this person in your life, then make sure you know why it is that you don't want her in your life. If it is because it hurts too much, well, hurt will go away. If it is because you're angry, well you won't be angry all your life - takes too much effort. But if it is because of some real character flaw you perceive in her and you cannot accept it, then yes, that is a more justifiable reason.

[lifeboy]

yeah my ex gf dumped me like 4 months ago. we havent really hung out much. like 2 months ago i just cut all contact because i cant just be her friend. ignored all her calls and emails and blah blah. well a few days ago she somehow thinks i have a girlfriend and that it's ok for us to be friends now. i dont even have a new woman and dont want anyone new. but like she is calling me more now and i just ignore her because it hurts too much. she emailed me saying she wants us to see if friendship will wokr. it's just lame

 

there is this music message board that i frequently post on and i have noticed her like logged in too and whenever i log in, she will shoot me a PM being like "are you there?" of course i dont respond. and like whenever i make a post, i always see her reading it very soon after. she like follows me around the board whenever i am on (which is not too frequently) but it always seems like she is online just being a tool. i mean her email doesnt seem encouraging as far as getting back together goes. it just seems like she wants us to be friends. but like why is she calling me more lately and all that jazz? i just dont get it.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by piper27

Erm... Scott - I'm not sure which one you are referring to as a 'distinct possibility' - that he still likes me, or that he just wants to feel like i'm not over him... clarify please?

 

I'm sorry.

 

I believe that he is being possessive & jealous. Not to mention immature & controlling.

[piper27]

Really? do possessive, jealous, immature and controlling guys check up on their exes? But really, what is the purpose? It's not as though he can DO anything if I choose to go out with someone. Why does he want to know?

[piper27]

Well I think following you around the message boards is absolutely not on.

 

Sounds like she's being possessive, wants to know what is going on, as in more info about the supposed 'new girlfriend'. That's whats making her call, I think. But yeah, I don't think she wants to be with you.

 

Take your time in returning her calls. If ever.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by piper27

Really? do possessive, jealous, immature and controlling guys check up on their exes? But really, what is the purpose? It's not as though he can DO anything if I choose to go out with someone. Why does he want to know?

 

Not having met all of them, I could not say.

 

What I was saying is that jealosy, immaturity & a controlling nature are among the reasons why an ex may do that. Insecurity is another reason. Incidentally, this is not limited to former love-partners. As many have learned, this can occur in an existing love relationship.

 

There can be many reasons why an ex would do this. The aforementioned reasons, of course. Perhaps also wanting to know if s/he is seeing someone else, an attempt to determine whether there is any chance of reconciling. Hoping that the new person isn't "as good" as s/he was.

 

It would not necessarily achieve any purpose, & you're right, he really could not prevent you from seeing others. Well, not in any lawful manner, that is.

[piper27]

Scott, I think you were right about the immaturity/insecurity thing.

 

Basically, I posted this on my blog - it was my 'white flag' message, to say everything was alright and he shouldn't feel guilty for anything he did, let's just all move on:

 

"It's been about a month now, since my so-called relationship with W ended.

 

To my friends, I would like to thank them for all the love and support they have given me. They've always been there for me, especially when I was blue, and they've helped me immensely. Thanks guys!

 

I'm moving on from this episode of my life. I'm finally, genuinely happy with myself and who I am again. It's taken a while, but I've managed to resolve my inner conflicts, with the help of my friends, God and a helluva lot of time, as far as I'm concerned. But one always has to pay the piper for one's own choices, and I think I've settled my account. There may be a few odd cents left to pay, but really insignificant.

 

To W, wherever he is, I would thank him for the good times we had, and I really sincerely hope he's happy with his new girlfriend. Some things will never be the same without him. But that's the way life goes, and it was fun while it lasted. And he shouldn't feel anything, because everything was for the best, and God had his reasons for wanting things to turn out this way. Not that he actually does feel anything about this, of course, I'm quite certain of that."

 

And guess how he responds - he puts up a picture of himself with his new girlfriend on his friendster page. So I was really disturbed, and I called him to ask him why he was so insensitive. He responds by saying he doesn't know what I'm talking about, that I shouldn't attribute an intention to him that was never there, and he didn't know I checked friendster (trust me, he knows I check), and then gives me some insincere apology, like 'ok i'm sorry i'm sorry' and generally sounds really anguished, saying he has a lot of work and let him go and do his work yada yada yada.

 

I ask him when all this happened, and he says after we split up, and I say I don't believe him, that no girl would go out with him in 3 weeks. He says, why, because I'm a male chauvinist and selfish? and I say no, because no girl would go steady with a guy she's just met in 3 weeks, especially if she knows he's just broken up with his girlfriend, and he keeps silent.

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we're getting into the hurtful things he did during hte break-up, and he puts the phone down on me. I'm really hurt again (see, you shouldn't listen to your friends when they tell you to speak to an immature imbecile). Anyway, I text him saying: "all i hope for you is that one day you will finally be the man i thought you were. And if you do then all the pain will have been worth it." and I follow up with another message: "Treat her well".

 

I look at her Friendster webpage, and then realization hits me, after I read her testimonials - after saying how he wanted a docile, submissive girl who would do whatever he wanted, he has ended up going out with a younger (5 years younger than him - she's 23, i'm 26 and he's 28) version of... me. !!!! Are guys really that clueless? After all that posturing about how he didn't want someone with my 'fierce and aggressive' characteristics, that is exactly how the girl he's going out now with is described! I start laughing my head off.

 

Essentially, I think he wasn't running away from me - he was running away from himself. Because I'm older than her, and I'm a lot more experienced - he wanted someone who thought he was perfect and whom he could control. It's not love, I don't think - he only wants to possess and control.

 

What do you guys think? I mean, what the hell is he trying to do? Do you think he still likes me? I don't want him back, honestly, but I really would like to know what the hell is going on, because sometimes I get insecure and I think, maybe SHE's the real deal for him and I'm not, I was just the footstool to get him up and running. It drives me nuts when I think that.

[piper27]

This is a blog post I wrote today, but I decided not to put it up because he's reading my blog, and there's no point to putting it up - he will never admit his faults anyway.

 

Sometimes, I would like to tell W, you may have made the first call to call it quits, but every day since then I have re-affirmed my own choice not to fight it. And the reason why I don't and I have never fought that decision or tried to get back together is very simply this:

 

I got tired of his whims and fancies, and his refusal to grow up and behave like a man.

I got tired of his lack of a frontal lobe, to process his thoughts before he speaks them.

I got tired of his pride, which never let him admit he was wrong without martyring himself.

I got tired of his cheap apologies, which he never meant because he was too busy feeling sorry for himself because he had to say sorry to mean them.

I got tired of his cheap sincerity. He thinks he's genuine and sincere just because he speaks what he thinks. But when you're not honest to yourself to begin with, it's just lies from a honest-looking face. He's lucky he looks honest.

I got tired of his cowardice. What better example than what he is doing now? If he cannot deal with the truth about himself, then he was never the man for me.

I got tired of his defensiveness, which meant that he could never be caught out being wrong. He would rather die than admit sincerely that he is wrong. He would rather blame everyone under the sun (except when he is doing his martyr act, in which case he very 'generously' takes the blame for everything that went wrong - see also cheap apologies and cheap sincerity).

 

There are so many other things I got tired of, which I can't be bothered to write down here. And because of all this, I acquiesced in the decision to part ways even though it was very painful. And I have never since then ever said I wanted to get back together with him, or wanted to. All this time, it has been a matter of getting over what I consider to be a complete and total write-off.

 

He wants to run from the truth. I stopped him twice, but I won't stop him again. He says I'm the one who always wanted to try, that he didn't like me enough and he didn't think it would work. But he was the one who cried like a baby for one hour when he thought I was leaving for good, and why? Because his pride wouldn't let him admit that he wanted this relationship. And why? Because he doesn't want to have to take responsibility for anything, so it would never be on his conscience. And I let him, but I was stupid. He has always been the one to declare his love yada yada yada. I always ask him if he is sure. He always is. But later, in a tough situation, his pride makes him take it all back so that he is top dog once again - no admission of any vulnerability.

 

Even then, I still cared for him as a friend. But even as a friend, he still cannot apologise sincerely for all his disgusting conduct. And he's lucky that his friends are not experienced enough that they can see through his lack of sincerity in dealing with them. Because the basic tenet of a sincere apology is that once you realise you have done something wrong, you never do it again. And he does that all the time, I realised from my conversations with them. I never wanted a boyfriend who would stand up his friends in order to go out with me. And actually, I don't think he ever did just so that he could go out with me, it was more because he had his own agenda as well - i.e. work. Again, it is always someone else's fault when he doesn't meet up to expectations. So what kind of friend is he? Not a very good one, except when it comes to dispensing advice, because of course, he likes being thought of as the wise sage. An innately selfish person will never make a good friend.

 

So what if he is not a bad person at heart? All his defensiveness makes him very small hearted, and a destructive coward. And he thinks that no one can see that, but they can.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by piper27

Essentially, I think he wasn't running away from me - he was running away from himself. Because I'm older than her, and I'm a lot more experienced - he wanted someone who thought he was perfect and whom he could control. It's not love, I don't think - he only wants to possess and control.

 

What do you guys think? I mean, what the hell is he trying to do? Do you think he still likes me? I don't want him back, honestly, but I really would like to know what the hell is going on, because sometimes I get insecure and I think, maybe SHE's the real deal for him and I'm not, I was just the footstool to get him up and running. It drives me nuts when I think that.

 

I believe that whether he still likes you is beside the point. The larger issues appear to be immaturity, insecurity, & a need for control, as I said previously.

 

I believe the intent of posting the photo would be to say "Who needs you? I can have any woman I want!" & probably to cause you to feel jealous. "Look at me! I'm having the time of my life, while you're alone & miserable!"

 

If it's of any consolation to you, this is but a rebound, & perhaps the new girl is merely a tool to get back at you. It is unlikely to last very long, & I assume she will be quite hurt & angry with him once she realizes that she is being used.

 

I applaud you for taking a relatively noble attutude & approach about this. It speaks volumes about the person you are, & the relationship you deserve to have. That is, a man who will love, respect & cherish you.

[piper27]

aww... thanks! That is so sweet, really perks my day up no end.

 

I am just preparing myself because we have a colleague's wedding dinner next tuesday, and he might bring her. But I think I'm over him already.

 

I think I shall stop writing my blog for a bit, so he'll stop checking.

 

Thanks Scott, for all the advice! It was really nice of you.

[a2nxtc28]

Coz he's a selfish bitch and he doesn't want you to move on.You dont deserve that.You need somebody who will love you and who really cares about you.It's his loss not yours...and that girl?I feel sorry for her.

[piper27]

Aww... thanks, all this support I'm getting here is really great!

 

But sometimes, I just feel a bit sad, that no one I know even thinks that he has any saving graces whatsoever. I think he could be a really good person if he faced up to his defensiveness and selfishness, and it saddens me that he would rather run away, because it's the easier option.

 

When even his friends tell him I'm good for him but tell me that he needs to grow up, I feel bad for him too.

 

I just wish he could have been more gracious about the entire thing. Still, I hope he's learned something from the experience, and he'll treat the new girl better. She doesn't deserve the kind of treatment I got. No one does.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by piper27

But sometimes, I just feel a bit sad, that no one I know even thinks that he has any saving graces whatsoever. I think he could be a really good person if he faced up to his defensiveness and selfishness, and it saddens me that he would rather run away, because it's the easier option.

 

One of the reasons for that may be the fact that you know him in a different way than other people do. I may be speaking the obvious (anyone following Dilbert this week?), but friendships are a significantly different type of relationship from love & romance.

 

His friends are giving him sound advice. Unfortunately, he has to take the advice & act for himself. No one can make his poor choices for him.

 

Hopefully, given time he will grow up some, & reach the level of maturity & responsibility requistite to a love relationship.

[piper27]

Heh, no I meant that he had no saving graces whatsoever to make it worthwhile to be in a relationship with him. My mistake, didn't write clearly enough.

 

Of course his friends think that there is some good in him - if not, they wouldn't be his friends. Just that everyone says he's immature. His friend wanted to set him up with this girl, but his wife wouldn't let him - told him, you want to destroy the poor girl? The same friend told me to just let him go, I'd done my best and he thought he needed to grow up first.

 

I saw him today at the wedding, just my luck that he was sitting facing me (although at a different table). We never acknowledged each other at all the whole night. It's actually quite sad, that we could have been so close about one and a half months ago, but things could end up so ugly. But I didn't choose to make it ugly at all. On the phone that night, he said, don't make me put down the phone on you. But really, who makes you slam the phone down on a person? It was his choice to.

 

Still, if he ever needed me, I'd be there for him - if he'd ever dare open his mouth and ask. Same way I'd be there for all my exes and my friends. The love never really dies, I do care for them all. I don't want anything from him in return for myself, for example, that he'll regret dumping me and want me back. I really just want him to be a better person and achieve his potential, be a man, stop being selfish, and to treat people he loves better and with respect, including his parents. The way he is right now, either girls recognise he's an a-hole and dump him (like one of them who said he didn't need a girlfriend but a dog) or he treats them like dirt and then dumps them for greener pastures on the 'I'd never join any club which would have me as a member' theory. Either way, someone gets hurt and there's enough bad karma in the world already.

 

It's hard to see someone you care for hurting, angry and bitter, and know that he's just going to perpetuate the entire cycle over and over again.

 

But all this is wishful thinking - he probably doesn't respect me enough to listen to me or take me seriously, so there's no way I can help him, even as a friend. Even though he did say once that I was the only girl who ever gave him unconditional love in his life. I don't think he really understands what that is though.

[piper27]

I am really quite upset.

 

I heard from a friend who was at the same wedding that after the wedding, he was in the lobby of the hotel holding hands with his girlfriend. As in, she met him after the wedding, and my friend/colleague saw them walking out of the hotel holding hands.

 

Bear in mind this is a colleague's wedding. A lot of our mutual colleagues were there.

 

I don't know what to think really. Did he do it on purpose? I mean, do guys do this kind of thing? I personally think it's really tacky, and I wouldn't do anything like that.

 

We were sitting in that wedding for close on 4 hours. At any given time, he could have called his girlfriend and said, i'll meet you somewhere else.

 

I wouldn't mind meeting them on the street somewhere accidentally, but why on earth did he have to meet his girlfriend in the hotel when he KNEW i was there? Are guys really that clueless or insensitive? I mean, what is the point?

 

It's not even as though I cheated on him with another guy and dumped him and he needed to try to prove a point to me. He wanted to break up with me. He acted in an a-hole manner. Why is he doing all of this? Does he want me to hate him? Why can't he just be gracious about it? Why does he have to proclaim to the whole firm (a lot of people were speculating we were together, and just one month ago we were caught by some partners holding hands) that he is with someone else?

 

Am I being too harsh on him? Maybe guys just don't think about these things. Maybe he just wanted to tell the whole firm that he had a girlfriend. I dunno... could some guy please shed some light on this? I'm lost for words.

[a2nxtc28]

Well, Lifeboy you are doing a good job...it's impossible to to switch from lovers to friends.Just keep on ignoring her.If she doesn't want you back..forget it.Not going to work!Impossible.