loveofhorses1970 Posted September 28, 2013 Share Posted September 28, 2013 I, too, was an OW. I'm not proud of it. But I'm now an exOW, so that makes me feel a bit better. I met my xMM in 2010. He didn't tell me he was married/separated, until a week later when he was going back to W. I had no further contact with him. He contacted me in June 2013 wanting to be friends. He said it was just talking. He had divorced W in 2012 but said she talked him into moving back home for the kids after another relationship he had broke down. I told him flatly nothing would happen while XW was in the picture. Of course, that's no what happened. It went from friendship talking to late night sexual conversations. It became entangled with emotions. Him saying he was falling for me and needed me. And me feeling the same. After two months, he gave me an ultimatum to meet him to talk in person one night. The more I said no, the stronger the ultimatum became. So I met him. And of course, there was a sexual encounter. I found out later he had been drinking and didn't remember anything, which adds to my disgust of myself. I have a strong moral background, so I'm shocked and surprised I let myself fall into this situation. After the sexual encounter, the guilt is killing us both and we've ended it. He's now trying to make it work with his XW and I'm trying to rebuild myself. It's hard. There are times I don't think I'll make it out of this. I hate this sinking feeling in my soul. I don't know what makes us as humans act the way we do. My fear is he will be back and it scares me to death. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 28, 2013 Share Posted September 28, 2013 Sorry you are going through this, Loveofhorses. What are you needing from other posters? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2013 Share Posted September 28, 2013 Hate to tell you this, but it doesn't sound like he ever divorced her. if anything, they were just separated. I don't know that many couples who actually go through a divorce, put their kids through it all, then get back together 2 years later. This guy has had other affairs too, and he LIED to you as well about many things, has treated you like crap. I don't understand why you 'let' him back into your life after so long! Also, you say "he gave me an ultimatum to meet him to talk in person one night. The more I said no, the stronger the ultimatum became. " What was the ultimatum??? To allow someone to bully you or brow beat you into hooking up is not cool. Seems he was after one thing... Your fear is he'll be back...Don't you get a say in all this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveofhorses1970 Posted September 28, 2013 Author Share Posted September 28, 2013 Thanks for your kind words. Not really needing anything from other posters, I guess. Just getting it off my chest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveofhorses1970 Posted September 28, 2013 Author Share Posted September 28, 2013 I, too, doubted the divorce..until I looked it up online and he indeed divorced her. I fully agree, he lied left and right to me. And I was dumb enough to fall for it. My fear is he will be back..right after I get over all this and have myself repaired. If that happens, I hope I'm stronger and smarter. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 28, 2013 Share Posted September 28, 2013 If that happens, I hope I'm stronger and smarter. I understand the need to get it off your chest (process it!). You will be stronger and smarter, especially if you do some work on yourself and also for having gone through this experience. Can you get into IC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveofhorses1970 Posted September 28, 2013 Author Share Posted September 28, 2013 IC is doubtful with work schedule. Probably would be best, thought. Haven't been this down since my divorce in 96. Very ashamed of myself, but also very hurt with all of it. Not to say I'm not deserving of it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 28, 2013 Share Posted September 28, 2013 Time is a great healer! Are you interested in knowing God? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveofhorses1970 Posted September 28, 2013 Author Share Posted September 28, 2013 Time and distance will hopefully do the trick. I do know God, but seems like I've misplaced myself for a few months. Funny how sin sneaks in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 28, 2013 Share Posted September 28, 2013 Believe me, I totally understand! Reconnecting with Him will be a huge help for you! I've recently (a month ago) gone NC with my bf (MM). It's been really tough and I wouldn't have made it without God's help. I've been reading the Psalms each day and asking God for His companionship and healing. Also, one thing I'm doing that's really helpful is just telling God exactly how I feel, not how I think He wants me to feel, telling Him I know I'm just a sinner who is totally not interested in doing right! Sadly, I love sin. And I just describe my feelings in exactly the same words I'd use to tell a counselor my feelings. If I skip a day, I have a horrible day with huge cravings for MM! But, the days I have my devotions are manageable. It's the only way I'm making it through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveofhorses1970 Posted September 28, 2013 Author Share Posted September 28, 2013 Thank you so much, I'll begin trying that. I never wanted this to begin with, so I'm not sure how I let myself get sucked into it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming it all on MM. I'm just bewildered. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveofhorses1970 Posted September 28, 2013 Author Share Posted September 28, 2013 And I hope you continue your NC and seek out a great life for you. Anytime you need to talk, I'm all ears. I cried today. First time through all of it, maybe that's a start to healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 28, 2013 Share Posted September 28, 2013 Yes, crying is very helpful! It took me several weeks before I could cry but when I did I cried for days! OK, I'll watch for your posts and put you on my LS prayer list! Read the Psalms and/or Matt/Mark/Luke/John. Am sure you have your favorite places, prayer is good and reading the Word with it really makes a difference! After you're on here a month or have, I think, 150 posts you can PM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveofhorses1970 Posted September 28, 2013 Author Share Posted September 28, 2013 Thank you, I'm writing those down. Have a notebook of changes to make. Thank you for placing me on your prayer list <3 I'll keep coming back to this post periodically for updates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveofhorses1970 Posted September 29, 2013 Author Share Posted September 29, 2013 Thank you, Weski, for your kind words. It is very hurtful, but I'm determined to make it through this and come out on the other side stronger and wiser. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveofhorses1970 Posted September 29, 2013 Author Share Posted September 29, 2013 Thank you, Weski. I'm determined to come out whole on the other side of this and make sure I don't let myself be used like that, again. I still don't blame it all on him. I knew better but let my guards down. The guilt and shame over all this is about to kill me, not to mention missing him. I guess that's what love addiction does. I equate it to love addiction because there is no way this was love. He immediately went back to wooing his ex-wife so it's pretty clear I was completely a game to him. Doesn't make the pain any easier, though. Doesn't make me want to contact him any less. Doesn't make me want to forget everything. I wish it did. This hurts, very much. And (as I mentioned before) I really hope if/when he does try to make contact, I hope I'm strong enough to ignore it. While we were "together", he would go back and forth then..one minute saying he wanted to move out and have a life with me and the next saying he couldn't do that..."what I want and what I can do are two different things". For whatever reason, he seemed to be as confused before as I am now. I'm afraid once he's over the guilt of what happened, he won't be interested in repairing his relationship with his ex-wife and he will try to come back my way. Scares me to death. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveofhorses1970 Posted September 29, 2013 Author Share Posted September 29, 2013 Thank you, Pierre. I'm sure that is true. I've much to work on with myself Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 Thank you, Pierre. I'm sure that is true. I've much to work on with myself As do we all, loh! All of us! : ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diana123 Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 Most OW say they don't know how it happened. This is why it happens: Your need for external validation is very strong. This need becomes an addiction and at that point you lose all your boundaries. You start to rationalize and justify and cannot see the incredible defects of these cheating men. However, these cheating men know how to meet the emotional needs of women looking for validation. IN other words you are very easy prey to this men and furthermore, you are very attracted to these men because they tap the speficic areas that need attention. And you needed a lot of attention. How do you see it if a OW thought for the first six months the MM was separated? Mine was like that. It seemed like a totally normal relationship to me. I had been single a couple of years before meeting him and was happy, and was not desperate to meet anyone. We met one night though and I like him. For me it then followed the path of a normal relationship.... I wasn't desperate for attention at the time at all. My problem is though having fallen in love with him, I did not walk away when I found out the truth. I have never had drama in relationships, am usually strong, any LTR break ups have been pretty civil... Link to post Share on other sites
Diana123 Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 This guy lied to you for six months. He made a fool of you! He lied on purpose and you still love him? Why do you love this liar? He has done the worst thing any man can do to a woman. If I could flick a switch I would stop loving him. I'm not a robot though. I came here for support while I get out of this. Too many posters are just making me feel really ****. I don't want to be treated with gloves or poor me. I am trying to analyse the situation the same time I get out of it so I never do the same thing again. I thought this place would give me some strength when he tries every trick in the book to contact me when I go NC. I see this is not the place to be. I just wanted advice and help from other OW to get me out of this. No one I know has been an OW I never thought I would ever do something like this. I will get out of it but obviously this is not the right place to get that strength rather than being attacked and made to feel even more **** and stupid. I know there is tough love, but I would prefer constructive comments rather than shooting me down. I know I did the wrong thing. I am not happy. I feel like crap. I am contemplating moving to get away from this so he cannot come after me. I am going to do everything I can to ensure it is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Diana123 Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 This guy lied to you for six months. He made a fool of you! He lied on purpose and you still love him? Why do you love this liar? He has done the worst thing any man can do to a woman. I know I am a fool. I know he made a fool of me. Thank you so much for really rubbing it in. Shall I just get the rope now and hang myself? Because that is how a comment like that makes me feel. I don't need this. While I try my best to get out of this and not feel crap and be strong? I am going to lose many friends as well. I know I have to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Diana123 Posted September 29, 2013 Share Posted September 29, 2013 Flicking the love switch off is not easy. I am not blaming you, but what this guy has done to you is cruel. And now that he knows you are upset and hooked he keeps coming on. The man is no prize and I hope you do everything in your power to turn that switch off. I warn you, he will sweet talk you out. He may even beg and get down on his knees. And he will likely cry on cue. I know that. Because that is what he has done before. So I know the drama that is going to come soon. That is why I need to be as strong as possible when I do it. I know it will be hard. We have lived like a normal couple doing everything together. I know I can fill that void when he is gone by keeping busy. But still it is going to be hard when he comes chasing me. It usually takes about five days.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveofhorses1970 Posted September 29, 2013 Author Share Posted September 29, 2013 I'm sorry you're going through this, Diana123. I wish I had some insight to give you. But like you, I was blindsided into my "relationship" as well. I believed the lies he told me and let myself get swept up in it. I'm sorry you hurt. I wish I could make it better and give you something to go on to make you stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveofhorses1970 Posted October 6, 2013 Author Share Posted October 6, 2013 Still hanging in there Still find myself looking at my phone for a text. Still have that twisted feeling in my stomach, but not nearly as bad. Hope all is well with everyone else out there <3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loveofhorses1970 Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 Yesterday, I reached my mark. I have an online dating profile and he was viewing the profile. I guess it triggered me. I sent him a text and told him to leave me be. I came clean with his ex-spouse, let her know what all had happened. I guess I do the anger part of the grieving cycle quite well. The door is not closed and nailed shut. For the first time in weeks, I slept all night. Link to post Share on other sites
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