I’m 60 years old, I’m divorced, and I’m lonely. Can we talk?

[lynn1954]

I’d like to talk to anyone here who’s in a similar situation now, or was in the past.

 

I'm looking for some sympathy about feeling sad, some encouragement about taking steps and making choices to change, and some inspirational stories if you’ve already successfully saved yourself.

 

I’d like to tell you more of my story, but I don’t want to write a long message initially. I’ll see who answers this first post, hear your story, and then tell you a little more of mine.

[TheMoonBug]

I am lonely also, so I can feel your pain.

 

I am 24-years-old, and I dumped my boyfriend of two years because he held me back substantially and he neglected me as well. I lost all of my good friends because I wasn't allowed to be social, I became bed ridden with depression for six months and I have recently moved to a new town for school. I dumped him, then moved. I am currently just sitting in my apartment because I haven't met anyone who is eager enough to let me open. Plus, with all of the heartache I've been going through, for me to be social is next to impossible.

 

I truly believed with my heart and soul that this person was the one for me, my soul mate. I wanted him and only him to stick by my side for the rest of my life, enjoy small things and enjoying the big things together, up until the very end. But alas, he never worked hard to make me happy, and yet I tried my 110% to make sure he was. It was a very one sided relationship, and I am starting to see that now. Maybe our stories are somewhat the same, perhaps not. But I can tell you that I am lonely too.

 

However, I mourned and I embraced the loneliness. With doing that I have grown, and I will never let myself make these mistakes again. Being with him made me feel old, and now I feel reborn. Physical age really holds no purpose in emotional growth, 60-years-old or not. I'm positive there are other 60-something people out in this world who feel just as lonely, and there are even 20-something people who do too. From what I have learned in my loneliness is that YOU hold the key! You have the power, and you are allowed to use that power!

 

I understand the heartache, I feel your pain. I can't say if everything will be alright, only you can decide that. Within this past week I decided to take my fate back from that boy I dated for a short time, and no matter how much I loved and cared for him, he wasn't right.

 

In the old college I was at, I met a wonderful woman for was 58-years-old and who was just recently divorced. She pooled her money together and made HER dream to come true, she went to art college! She made lots of friends who are all so proud that graduated, and to this day her and I still talk and reminisce! She took back her life and made it a new one, and I admire her like crazy for being so beautiful and so bold.

 

If you want to talk, please let me hear your story! This is a very helpful forum that has helped me like crazy!

[lynn1954]

Thank you so much for answering! I'm sorry that you're lonely, too. Your answer contained a lot of wisdom.

 

My head knows certain things intellectually, but my heart isn't matching my head yet.

 

For example, I know that I need to solve my own problems, I can't wait for someone else to solve them for me. But, I want someone else to solve my problems for me! I know intellectually that this is not a good attitude, but that's how I feel right now.

 

I know that we can't change the past, only learn from it. Therefore, regrets are not useful and can even be debilitating; I know we're supposed to avoid regrets. Still, I often find myself dwelling on past decisions and actions instead of making new decisions and actions.

 

I know that I can change my circumstances like your friend did. But I don't know what I want to do. So I don't do anything.

 

I'm hoping that my current malaise is temporary. I hope I'll get some energy to make a change.

 

Thanks again for writing.

[AnyaNova]

Another lonely only here.

 

My story is pretty complicated, and long. But I wrote it up, here,

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/425930-my-complicated-life-mess-i-made-things-mixed-signal-confusion

 

I am sorry you hurt, too. Keep posting and it does really help to post on others' and help them, as well.

[TheMoonBug]

(I'm talking to everyone on this thread)

 

I know how it is, wanting someone else to take the reins and make it all feel better. But you may hate me for saying this, but what is done is done. It turns out our exes didn't like us, and you know what? That is okay. True they have hurt us, and we may want revenge, or or we may want to crawl back to them. But here is the clear answer: you can't.

 

The only thing we can do now is focus on ourselves, and I understand how damn clique that sounds, but it is the honest to god truth! When I was with my ex, I stopped doing all the things I loved, drawing, painting, hiking. We only did what he wanted to do: video games. It turns out he has a huge addiction to gaming, and he neglected me in the process. And this is the lesson I learned: if you are confused, or scared, or just plain not happy, get out!

 

My plans in life is to better myself as whole, physically, mentally and emotionally because lets face it, life is not easy. Eventually my goal is to make sure that he sees me as a better person, and that he will kick his OWN ass when he witnesses me! Some people may think that my doing this is all about him, but its not. Maybe when I do better myself, I won't even think about him once.

 

Think about this, have you ever had a friend who recently broke up with someone, and they are truly difficult to be around? Now it is our turn, and all we can do it grow. And when you grow, you'll attract a whole new species of men/women into your life, ones who will be on your level and maybe then we will have completed balanced relationships.

 

A great video to watch for being lonely is this:

 

Its a cute, short poem that really hit me hard. I'll be sending good energy to you both tonight!

[Mr Scorpio]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Here is a story.

[lynn1954]

Again and to all three of you: THANK YOU SO MUCH for talking to me here. It really does help!

 

Just FYI for the discussion: there's a possibility that depression is playing a part in the way I feel. I'd been previously diagnosed with depression, and received both talk therapy and Lexapro to deal with it. I'm not taking Lexapro right now, and therefore I'm not sure if my feelings are the result of clinical depression or not.

 

Some people are very polarized and adamant about being pro-medication or anti-medication to treat depression. I've personally lived both sides of this, but I'm not sure if returning to the meds is right for me or not.

 

If my negative thoughts are caused by a chemical imbalance, then I should take the meds and stop allowing myself to suffer from thoughts that are therefore not my fault.

 

If my negative thoughts are not based in a physical cause, then I should be able to change habits and change thinking to make myself feel better.

 

Regardless of whether my current thoughts are caused by depression or not, here is one of my main themes: I believe that I didn't appreciate my husband when I had him, which led to our divorce. I believe I'd be a happy married person today if I hadn't been a stupid idiot in the past.

 

So I blame myself and I have regrets. Now, in reality, it doesn't really matter whether the divorce was my fault or not. In either case, I ought to be able to forgive myself and then go on with my new life.

 

I think a lot about the pros and cons of living a happy life as a single/divorced person vs. looking for a new love so I can live a happy life as a committed/married person.

 

I think I want to find a man to share my life, but the task seems daunting and I feel like I'm not lovable. Vice versa, I question whether I can love fully again, whether I could be unselfish enough to be in a normal, balanced, mature relationship.

[joe86]

Hey guys. I'm having a lonely/down day today myself.

 

I don't have any regrets really, nor to I blame myself. We weren't happy & it just took her to take the actions, take the space she said she needed.

 

I hate not being in control of a situation though. I spend most days just fine, happy in myself and with family/friends. The best part about this whole thing is my fitness. I've lost almost 10lbs in 6 weeks

 

I still have these days though, when I wish she would reach out & apologise. Tell me she still regrets the decision. That is one of the last things I think were truly honest & not influenced by guilt or pity for my feelings. Anyway, I'll stop now before I bore you all!

[GorillaTheater]

Regardless of whether my current thoughts are caused by depression or not, here is one of my main themes: I believe that I didn't appreciate my husband when I had him, which led to our divorce. I believe I'd be a happy married person today if I hadn't been a stupid idiot in the past.

 

So I blame myself and I have regrets. Now, in reality, it doesn't really matter whether the divorce was my fault or not. In either case, I ought to be able to forgive myself and then go on with my new life.

 

Are you sure you need to forgive yourself regarding the breakdown of your marriage? I was curious about your story, so took the liberty of reading some of your older posts. In one, you make it pretty clear what transpired, and regardless of whether you sufficiently appreciated your XH or not, how can you blame yourself for his lousy choices?

 

Oh, and on topic: sometimes you don't have to be alone in order to be lonely. Sometimes that just makes it worse.

[HokeyReligions]

Thank you so much for answering! I'm sorry that you're lonely, too. Your answer contained a lot of wisdom.

 

My head knows certain things intellectually, but my heart isn't matching my head yet.

 

For example, I know that I need to solve my own problems, I can't wait for someone else to solve them for me. But, I want someone else to solve my problems for me! I know intellectually that this is not a good attitude, but that's how I feel right now.

 

I know that we can't change the past, only learn from it. Therefore, regrets are not useful and can even be debilitating; I know we're supposed to avoid regrets. Still, I often find myself dwelling on past decisions and actions instead of making new decisions and actions.

 

I know that I can change my circumstances like your friend did. But I don't know what I want to do. So I don't do anything.

 

I'm hoping that my current malaise is temporary. I hope I'll get some energy to make a change.

 

Thanks again for writing.

 

Im approaching 60 and my husband is almost 62. Most younger people don't understand that making even seemingly simple changes at our age requires more effort than it did 40, 30, 20 or even 10 years ago.

 

There are things I want done but can't make myself do them. Its so much easier to give up free will for complacency. I worry about being taken advantage of as I get older. I can understand how its so easy to take advantage of the elderly - if its such a struggle now imagine how hard it will be in 20 years!

 

I just signed up to do some volunteer work and we're looking for a new church.

 

I come to this board when I'm bored or feeling lonley. Just beware - there are some real ------- well you'll see if you post when you are feeling vulnerable. Some will be compassionate and others behave like playground bullies. Like in real life.

[AnnaAnna]

I am new here too and haven't shared my story yet. Just like yours it's too long to write but I will as soon as my head is a little clearer. I'm still suffering and haven't recovered from my breakup. I am very alone and could use some friends.

[love1336x]

I wish I could hug you! Make you feel better!

[JoelBarish]

Again and to all three of you: THANK YOU SO MUCH for talking to me here. It really does help!

 

Just FYI for the discussion: there's a possibility that depression is playing a part in the way I feel. I'd been previously diagnosed with depression, and received both talk therapy and Lexapro to deal with it. I'm not taking Lexapro right now, and therefore I'm not sure if my feelings are the result of clinical depression or not.

 

Some people are very polarized and adamant about being pro-medication or anti-medication to treat depression. I've personally lived both sides of this, but I'm not sure if returning to the meds is right for me or not.

 

If my negative thoughts are caused by a chemical imbalance, then I should take the meds and stop allowing myself to suffer from thoughts that are therefore not my fault.

 

If my negative thoughts are not based in a physical cause, then I should be able to change habits and change thinking to make myself feel better.

 

Regardless of whether my current thoughts are caused by depression or not, here is one of my main themes: I believe that I didn't appreciate my husband when I had him, which led to our divorce. I believe I'd be a happy married person today if I hadn't been a stupid idiot in the past.

 

So I blame myself and I have regrets. Now, in reality, it doesn't really matter whether the divorce was my fault or not. In either case, I ought to be able to forgive myself and then go on with my new life.

 

I think a lot about the pros and cons of living a happy life as a single/divorced person vs. looking for a new love so I can live a happy life as a committed/married person.

 

I think I want to find a man to share my life, but the task seems daunting and I feel like I'm not lovable. Vice versa, I question whether I can love fully again, whether I could be unselfish enough to be in a normal, balanced, mature relationship.

 

I have been on meds since just after my break up over 3 weeks ago. I don't LIKE being on them as I feel they are a crutch and I don't want to become reliant on them long term. However, I know that before I was taking them my anxiety was unbearable. I've always been a worry some person and it got worse post break up. I hope to get my life balanced again and then perhaps wean myself from the meds again. So yes, I too can see both sides of that issue.

 

As to blaming yourself, I do that too. I look back at all the ways I could have done better in my relationship and I think to myself "if only I had been better things might have been different". I apologized in person to my ex a few weeks ago. Did she apologize to me? No. That just isn't right. She was far from perfect in the relationship. It's not fair that I accept responsibility on my part but she takes none of the blame or responsibility. No one is ever perfect. Not her and not your ex either. So don't blame yourself too much. You only did what you thought was right.

[Mr Scorpio]

Blaming oneself over the past is all too easy to do. This is especially so where relationships are concerned. At the same time, it takes two. If your husband didn't feel appreciated, did he let you know?

 

It very well could be that depression played a role in your loss. It sounds like you're already taking a good course in healing, using both medication and talk therapy, as well as acknowledging the benefit of change your thought patterns.

 

My heart has been aching a lot over the past recently. I try to take solace and learn from one concept: "most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.”

[lynn1954]

A warm "hello" to everyone who wrote on this post, and to anyone who's reading it now looking for comfort or answers.

 

I'm going to add to this post as a way to make myself feel better, but also to provide comfort to anyone who finds it and reads it now or later.

 

First, just some pondering without any answers: what can I learn from people who faced some huge problem, but didn't give up? Why do some people recover from a problem, some other people remain damaged forever, and a few other people become so desperate that they commit suicide? What can I learn from the people who recovered, how can I be like them, and not be like the ones who remain damaged?

 

I have opinions about many other problems that are truly, truly much worse than mine. There are people in the world whose children were killed or permanently injured, usually not the parent's fault but in some cases the death or injury may have been because of a mistake the parent made. How does that person go forward in life? How do they get over the sadness and grief? In a situation that was their fault, how do they ever forgive themselves? Can they rescue their life?

 

By thinking about that, it makes my problem seem easier to handle. It makes me feel more optimistic about recovering from mistakes that I made, and makes me feel more energetic about fixing the situations that are not my fault.

 

In some ways, I feel like I will be sad and lonely for the rest of my life. I feel like I can take some steps to try to not feel sad and lonely, but I feel like I won't succeed and I'll still be sad and lonely anyway, so why try?

 

Other times, I feel like I can do something that will make my sadness and loneliness go away. I feel like I can try and should try.

 

This is what I want myself to do: never give up.

 

I was feeling lonely, so I took a small action: I wrote to people on this forum, and several people answered me. That made me feel better. If I hadn't written, then I wouldn't have gotten comfort. It's such a simple cause and effect.

 

If I can apply the concept of "take an action, observe results" then I know I'll feel better.

 

I just don't want to feel the sadness and desperation that I've been feeling.

 

One of my extreme self-criticisms is that I spent years overeating and failing to make the choices needed to have good health. I decided that "once and for all" I'm going to develop eating habits that I can live with for the rest of my life. Not a short-term diet of deprivation followed by a return to bad habits, but a long term plan that includes mostly healthy eating with just enough treats to feel happy.

 

From August 1 through October 1, I lost 12 pounds, so I think I'm doing something right.

 

One parting thought to anyone who feels so sad, so lonely, so desperate that you are thinking about suicide: don't do it, don't give up. Keep looking for answers, keep looking for ways to feel better.

[iwanttobewell]

Hello, Lynn. I might be able to help you.

[JamesM]

Oh, and on topic: sometimes you don't have to be alone in order to be lonely. Sometimes that just makes it worse.

 

Bingo. Sometimes GT and I think alike. Good or bad. As I was reading your posts, I was thinking this and Voila! GT wrote it.

 

As one who is not alone yet gets lonely often, I know how you feel. Sometimes it is depression. Sometimes it is simply the feeling that you stand alone in the world with no one who really understands your feelings. It may not always be true, but until you find that someone who can understand it you can feel isolated.

 

I am not 60. In fact I stand at the threshhold of being 50. Yet the emotions and feelings I have today are so different than they were ten years ago as I approached 40. I can understand some of what I might feel at 60.

 

I have been here for most of my 40s (and hope to be here for all of my 50s), and I find that most people are caring and helpful. I have received good advice here on threads or in PMs that have helped me get along in my real life.

 

I think it is good that you share your feelings here. As Hokey says, I too come here when I feel lonely. I have some friends who I encounter on threads and their comments and opinions help me alot. And the one or two that occasionally PM or frequently PM me can be the one thing that makes my day much less gloomy and so much more friendlier.

 

I wish I could hug you! Make you feel better!

 

I would have to agree with this.

 

Life is not always easy, but there are so many more of us out here who are willing to help you carry your burden along the way so that your life might be just a bit more better.