What is the dumper's mindset if they come back for a second chance?

[lylat333]

This is something I've been thinking about today I'd really like to hear from others on - especially those who have been the dumper in this situation. What is the dumper's mindset if they come back for a second chance, particularly when NC has been implemented by the dumpee?

 

We've probably all read many times if the dumpee properly implements NC, by the time the dumper comes back the dumpee may not even be interested in them anymore and will have moved on. How typical is it for the dumper to truly consider this and understand the amount of evolution that could have been taking place for the dumpee?

 

My experience as the dumper: I broke up with my girlfriend of 6 1/2 years, we had lived together for over a year. When we broke up, she moved out, and other than the immediate aftermath I don't remember having any contact with her. 2 months later (which went by pretty fast for me iirc) she got into a new relationship. I was 100% guilty of putting her on the backburner (even though that wasn't the point, I wasn't trying to be malicious) and thought she would essentially be "waiting for me". Up until then I had not yet missed her much, though I think I was slowly starting to and would have eventually come back within the next month or two. I pressed "pause" on our relationship. I thought if I came back we would pick up right where we left off. She moved on and is still in that relationship almost 2 years later, I had my dumper's epiphany of feeling I made a terrible mistake.

 

I don't know if she ever expected me to come back or not, probably not because I pushed her away when she pleaded with me at first.

 

My current situation is a role reversal, I am now the dumpee. I've only been in strict NC for not even 3 weeks (blocking her on FB being the final nail) but it feels like a long time and after not hearing from my ex for over 2 months. I honest-to-goodness-not-just-saying-this-for-LS don't expect her to ever contact me and I am living pretty well now. I even feel our situation may be out of the norm because my ex and I both have a lot of pride, making the prospect of a vulnerable reconciliation seem that much more unlikely. Besides that I'm so turned off by the sustained coldness of my ex I don't desire to reconcile, at least not in the foreseeable future.

 

I want to know more, to better understand for future reference, the mindset of the typical dumper/dumpee... or if there even is a typical mindset. Now that I am experiencing what it's like on this end, it seems crazy to expect my ex to attempt a reconciliation, like... "You think you can just come waltzing back after 2-3 months? Hell no!" But, maybe it is typical for the dumper to have clouded judgment and not yet confronted the repercussions of losing the relationship. Or, maybe she went through the 'breaking up with me for months' phase and is already over it, I don't know.

 

This thread isn't about giving false hope to dumpees. I just think it would be very interesting to hear firsthand the mindset of the dumper in this situation or if you were the dumpee how you felt about the idea of reconciliation after breaking up and what ended up happening.

[lord-christoph]

I'll chime in. Before my current ex, who broke up with me, I had a gf that I broke up. With her, we connected immediately, and had a great relationship, when we actually saw each other. I was afraid to get too close and I was going to school and working full time, but every time we saw each other it was amazing. Fast forward 6 months and I start getting anxious about us and stressed out over work and school. I feel like I couldn't handle her, which really was jut an excuse cause we were getting closer and she had minor flaws that I dwelt on. I pretty much went Seinfeld on her near the end. Well I ended up breaking it off after 7 months, and I know she didn't take it too well. She handled it well, going NC and not doing so many of the things people on here do, but her friend told me she was really bothered by breaking up.

 

Fast forward again 9 months and I start regretting breaking up. I tried contacting her again and again trying to restart a relationship from square one. We eventually saw each other again a couple times and we had fun, but she was also getting involved with another guy and she was further along with him. That sucked to find out and she stopped answering my txts and phone calls so I gave up after getting the hint. A few weeks later it goes FB official and that sucked, but it wasn't crushing or anything; like finding out the movie you were going to see is sold out.

 

So as a dumper I felt regret about the decision and missed the great chemistry and companionship. We never had sex so no one can say I just wanted her for sex. We were very physical though, and rarely was there a lack of spark. I was just insecure and foolish. Which I didn't learn from in my second even more serious and important relationship.

[Polak]

I was the dumpee in my first and only relationship (thus far). I had my girl for about 2 years before I was dumped, but my situation has a few interesting differences. The dump was rather sudden and at the time I didn't understand it. But of course, a bit of time and I figured it out.

 

Some background info:

She was a pastor's daughter. We were each other's "firsts". I wasn't a part of their church, and her dad was a bit old-school in the fact that he expected me to approach him and ask permission to date his daughter. I wasn't allowed to be official with her (no FB recognition, or public recognition of any kind) until I was "ready". We still did everything a normal couple would do, except quite a bit of it had to be done in some level of secrecy (which sounds stupid, I know, but that's how it was). I was progressively moving towards joining their church, because I truly loved the girl, but that was cut short because of the following:

 

During a small vacation to Florida with my family, she spent a bit of time with one of her good church friends (who is older than me by about 2 years and always had a thing for her but respectfully kept his distance because he knew I was involved with her). Turns out she started developing feelings for this guy while I was away, and then when I came back, was distant and weird. Later on she dropped the bomb and said it was because her friends had told her I was becoming more detached from her (which was not true, I was under heavy stress from school) and she thought I had "already moved on" (also not true). So anyway, less than a month after the breakup, I started seeing pictures of them on FB. A few months later, their relationship was FB official. Less than a year later, they were freaking engaged. Each step hurt me because she kind of just left me for someone else, someone at her church, someone older, someone more established in life, etc. During the months following the breakup, I finally learned from experience that time truly can and does heal all wounds. It was hard but I survived it.

 

Anyway, back to the OP's question. Although my ex (now engaged and planning a wedding for next year) has never come back to me for a 2nd chance, and I have never really been a dumper, I will offer some food for thought. During the beginning of the aftermath, I consistently thought I would of course accept her back if she came back to me. 2 years doesn't seem like the largest amount of time to be together, but she wasn't just a girlfriend to me, she was my best friend, someone I confessed things to, truly loved despite her flaws, her family became a 2nd family to me, etc. As time went on, I switched sides and thought to myself "I'll never take her back for what she did, that evil b****..." and so on. At this point in my life, over a year after the breakup, even if she were to come back for a 2nd chance, I wouldn't take her back. I'm past it all. I don't hate her, I haven't blocked her on FB, and I don't intend to harness negative feelings towards her. Time has just infiltrated my mind to where I need to look forward.

 

Once again, trying to answer the OP's question, If she were to come back for a 2nd chance, the only mindset I would assume she would possess is missing extremely what she had with me. That's the ONLY thing I would assume; in my situation I wouldn't be able to think of anything else. Hope this different perspective is helpful in some way!

[AnyaNova]

it is nice to know that dumpers (particularly of the male persuasion) sometimes do start to feel regret and think that they might have made a mistake! There is justice in the universe. :-p

[r321148]

"the mindset of the typical dumper/dumpee... or if there even is a typical mindset" I think this is the key. Everyone is so different and there are so many different reasons why relationships end. Some people are naturally stubborn and convince themselves their decision was right no matter what, some are more easy going and prepared to give second chances, some are confused and need to realise what they really want, some people go through rough patches and make bad decisions. I guess the mindset is very variable.

 

There are 2 cases (only counting medium-long term relationships) where I've been the dumper. In both cases there was no way I'd ever reconsider as I had very justifiable reasons for ending things.

The first time I was very young and she was just too controlling. She hated me going out and having friends (despite the fact she never wanted to come out with me), she sent me abusive texts when I did anything without her and was just generally an insecure person. My feelings for her were never really that strong, it was just the typical youthful infatuation. It hurt when we broke up but I never thought I'd made a bad decision, it was a relief really that I got my life back! I never contacted her again and aside from a few texts early on (which I ignored as I'd already told her I didn't want to hear from her) I didn't hear from her again either.

The second time was harder. This was a 2.5 year relationship and the first girl I loved. About 2 years in I found out she had kissed some guy in a club. I was quite annoyed but gave her a second chance. A month or so later she hooked up with another guy in a club. This time I broke up with her. I told her that you don't do that to people you care about, especially after I told her how much it hurt the first time. Anyway she didn't contact me for a while (about 2-3 weeks) and then I saw her out and we ended up going home together. We reconciled when she said she didn't want anyone else and was sorry for hurting me. I had missed her despite everything and was still young and pretty naive so I agreed we could get back together. Needless to say that 3 months later I found out she'd stayed in contact with one of the guys she met in a club. She had told him we broke up but had never mentioned that we got back together and had been seeing him on the side. I was crushed and straight away broke up with her and told her I didn't want to hear from her again. She initially tried with me. Over the next couple of weeks she told me she had finished with the other guy and only wanted me, that she was really sorry and she had learnt her lesson and would never do anything like that again. I told her to leave me alone as I didn't trust her anymore. She eventually gave up and I never heard from her again. Sure I missed what we had but I had given her enough chances and you can't have a relationship where you don't trust the other person. I deleted her number, her email, msn (this was before Facebook really took off) and every way I possibly had to contact her. I was tempted to contact but all I had to do was think how much she hurt me. Time heals things and I just got to a point where I didn't miss her. I now look back on the good parts of the relationship and remember the good times we had but I still know I'll never contact her and if she ever were to contact me again there would be no way I'd consider reconciling.

 

So I guess the answer to your question is that it depends!

[Waz]

I can't really say what's the dumpers mindset when they come back for second chance, because, as a guy said earlier, it varies a lot from person to person. But i can tell when it's acceptable, at least for me. Because there are so many mindsets, so the only thing that counts, is what you would like and you accept.

 

I think, a dumper, if cared enough for the dumpee, should contact them after a long time, i mean at least year/s later, for two reasons :

 

a) Had the time to rethink his options in life generally, improving his self if necessary, and of course he should be sure for this, not a single person deserves to be treated like that (from mind games etc).

 

b) By not bothering dumpee after a break up, like breaking nc and any kind of contact, he shows respect to the dumpee, he understands the pain he goes through. In the long run it will be a plus for the dumper, because eventually dumpee will realize that. A dumper like that, could even hesitate to contact a dumpee because he would be afraid if dumpee still holds grudges. But if he wants a second chance so bad, he would reach them out anyway.

 

IMO that's an appropriate mindset for the dumper, to come back and ask for a second chance if he indeed cared for dumpee.

 

Of course, all said above are in the scope of a typical break up, i mean not like verbal/physical abusing, alcohol, drugs etc.

 

It doesn't matter what's their mindset in my opinion, it only matters if you know when you would go or not for a second chance, given the circumstances.

 

Sorry if my english is bad, it's not my first language

[NoMoreJerks]

Mine came back three times, and I took him back all 3 times... He came back because he still hoped he could get something out of it: he wanted a threesome and he thought I was the only woman whom he could get to do a threesome (with another woman) short of paying 2 prostitutes (I had told him I had kissed a woman in the past).

[lylat333]

Thanks for all the input so far.

 

r321148, your first breakup case sounds similar to what I went through with my ex. I didn't like her going out w/ certain friends, but I don't think I was ever abusive about it, in fact I made a very conscious effort to try not to be the insecure boyfriend and never called/text her while she was out or tried to check up on her. I waited for her to call me when she was about to turn in for the night. Now that we're broken up I think she got pulled back into the going out lifestyle w/ her roommate... but I really don't see what they do as positive activity at all. I figured she will get tired of it after a while, but maybe she won't and is glad she doesn't have to worry about me worrying.

 

I think, a dumper, if cared enough for the dumpee, should contact them after a long time, i mean at least year/s later, for two reasons

I thought this was interesting, Waz... but imo that seems like way too long! I think 2-3 months or so is somewhat understandable. After a year or two has passed I think it could still work but in a different way. It really is like a new relationship that organically happened, not the dumper making a conscious effort to hold off contacting.

 

I agree w/ what you said about what one is willing to accept. I know my ex and I aren't a couple anymore but we already suffered from trust issues and I would feel like a fool taking her back after she left to go do whatever she wanted. I know we're not bf/gf anymore but what your ex does while you are apart is something you have the prerogative to judge them on imo.

 

I still feel confused over my own breakup. Sometimes I feel convinced she won't reach out because she knows she hurt me and I won't react positively, other times I wonder if she's over me and doesn't even have a desire to contact me. I just wonder, I'm not trying to channel her... it's just nice to hear what's in the realm of possibility, how dumpers think and why.

 

This isn't about me though! Anyone else out there I would really like to hear more experiences.

[ScienceGal]

In my case, he said he was in a better place and had so much to offer me, that he was excited to show me how much better a relationship with him would be.

 

6 months of being back with him proved that he is in a better place than he was, but he isn't still isn't ready to be in a relationship. He is missing the fundamentals, such as being kind/tender, providing comfort/security, thoughtfulness, pretty much 90% of what happy relationships generally have in common. I was left feeling drained and disappointed.

 

I wish he never came back, and I hope he never contacts me again. Truly a waste of my good energy.

[Romaks]

Obviously, when a break-up occurs, the two parties are on totally different emotional levels. For the dumper, he/she has made a decision, and even though it mat be hard, it's what they want to do, so they're not necessarily too emotional about it.

 

In my experience, as the dumpee, I was totally shocked at the break-up, and I felt totally betrayed. It hit me hard, but after the first month or tow, I'll be over it.

 

From what I hear, the dumper lives their new life (at least for the first few months) knowing that they hurt the person they were with, so they like to think that the dumpee is still not over them. After a longer period of time, the dumper realizes that the dumpee is totally out of their lives for good, since they were hoping to hear more begging or pleas of reconciliation. Because this doesn't happen, the dumper is forced to think about the dumpee and what they're up to after all this time, and perhaps, will even begin to miss the dumpee provided that the relationship they had was a good one, as well as the possibility of the dumper realizing that they've made a mistake which actually happens a lot.

 

At this point, if the dumper tries to return, they are shocked to realize that the dumpee has actually moved on, and this is where the dumper starts to experience the break-up emotions that the dumpee had in the beginning.

[BC1980]

Obviously, when a break-up occurs, the two parties are on totally different emotional levels. For the dumper, he/she has made a decision, and even though it mat be hard, it's what they want to do, so they're not necessarily too emotional about it.

 

In my experience, as the dumpee, I was totally shocked at the break-up, and I felt totally betrayed. It hit me hard, but after the first month or tow, I'll be over it.

 

From what I hear, the dumper lives their new life (at least for the first few months) knowing that they hurt the person they were with, so they like to think that the dumpee is still not over them. After a longer period of time, the dumper realizes that the dumpee is totally out of their lives for good, since they were hoping to hear more begging or pleas of reconciliation. Because this doesn't happen, the dumper is forced to think about the dumpee and what they're up to after all this time, and perhaps, will even begin to miss the dumpee provided that the relationship they had was a good one, as well as the possibility of the dumper realizing that they've made a mistake which actually happens a lot.

 

At this point, if the dumper tries to return, they are shocked to realize that the dumpee has actually moved on, and this is where the dumper starts to experience the break-up emotions that the dumpee had in the beginning.

 

This seems to be what happened in my situation. I was dumped and in total shock at first. I was amazed at how calculating my ex was with how he dumped me. He said he has been thinking about it for 3 weeks, and it had really taken a tole on him emotionally. It seems he was okay for the first 2 months.

 

After those 2 months, he continued to contact me every few days, wanting to meet up, talk on the phone, ect. He always initiated the contact. Once I started pulling away (i.e. not answering calls/texts, putting off meeting up with him), he really doubled his efforts to contact me. The post breakup honeymoon was over apparently.

 

At the 4 month post break up mark, I requested NC. He was upset, saying he missed me so much, hoped there was a chance for us in the future but couldn't commit right now. He just wanted to see what happened *Yawn* Anyway, I'm saying he changed a lot in the 4 months post breakup after things played out, and I stopped acting interested. Truth is, I really had lost interest. He went from saying there was little chance to use getting back together and planning to sell the engagement right back to saying he hoped it could work out at some point and keeping the engagement ring because he wasn't sure *double Yawn*

 

Now, I'm nearing 40 days NC, and I'm at a place where I'm somewhat indifferent. Yes, I wish it had worked out, but NC has allowed me to process a lot of thoughts and see things clearly. I truly wish I would meet someone new, as my old relationship seems downright stifling at the moment. From what I have heard and what I know of him, he is having a difficult time right now processing the breakup. I think he is in a pretty low place right now, and I am genuinely sorry for that. However, my role is no longer to comfort him. He will have to bear out the consequences of the choice he made for right now. He always thought I would be there, waiting in things wing, but he underestimated me. It's his loss.

[Mz_sassy_77]

Dumpers and Dumpees are always in totally different places.

 

I think the Dumper has always spent time processing their decision and justifying it in their mind way way before they actually get up the nerve to do it. Basically they are weighing up their options - will i meet someone else, will i be happy on my own for a while, how much fun it will be to date random people, is this the right thing. So they have a head start on the dumpees.

 

I think the dumpee is often left devastated and confused. How can they leave me? Did they ever love me? do they miss me? have they moved on? Feeling rejected etc.

 

But I have also found that after some time has passed and the dumpee has accepted its over and start to move on, that its at this time the dumper starts to question their decision. Whether they voice it or not is another thing. I find often with men they want to save face so dont want to admit it when they make a mistake like this.

 

And regretting the decision is really only the case when it was a fairly good relationship. Those ones where they say oh they were my best friend etc etc. After playing the field for a while and not finding what is in their mind an ideal mate thats when they start to question their decision. And often its too late then and thats only when they start to really feel the loss. Spose thats the way things balance out in the universe

[lylat333]

I'm really enjoying hearing from everyone, thanks again!

 

Romaks, I really enjoyed your post. I don't know how often it's the case, and I don't want false hope but I'm sure most dumpees in NC wish to have the final laugh. Seeing your dumper have a change of heart and come crawling back is vindication even though ideally we shouldn't let them affect us - positively or negatively.

 

BC1980 I always enjoy hearing more details about your situation, too. I have feared I'm similar to your ex but in your case it seems like he always waffles and is never able to commit. I feel I made it very clear to my ex I was serious about wanting to make it work, lined it out and would have done anything to give the relationship the shot I believed it deserved. The door got slammed in my face, left me with no choice but to go NC.

 

Mz_sassy_77, I found your post interesting, too, because of this. Before I felt there were 2 scenarios: 1) the dumper makes an impulse decision to end things - resulting in rebounds, high chance of coming back. or 2) the dumper thinks about breaking up for weeks, months, and is totally ready to let go for good when the time comes. But, it is possible (speaking from experience!) the decision is not impulsive, but down the line it is still possible for the dumper to come back.

 

I think it's really hard for most people to make a cold turkey decision and be OK with it over the span of a long time. Barring the exceptions like abusive relationships, it's human nature to look back fondly on the past and think, "I was happier then". Just yesterday I was thinking about how I can look back to all the different "eras" of my life, going as far back as being a teenager and it seems like I was so happy in all of them - the present always feels like the most difficult! Maybe that's just me.

Edited September 30, 2013 by lylat333

[Romaks]

lylat333,

 

In my situation, I felt that it was totally silly that my gf had dumped me. I'm not trying to be egocentric, but I knew that she had relied on me totally for support, and she loved me so much, and was comfortable with telling me anything and everything knowing I'd care enough to be able to give her insightful advice as well as be there for her no matter what.

 

Her reasons for breaking up didn't even make sense to me, and she didn't even fully understand why she did it, it seems. It's the usual, "I'm so young...(17)" GIGS mentality.

 

I promise I have a point here. During the break-up, for some reason, she thought that I'd continue to be there for her and have her back like usual.

 

"I can't just never see you or talk to you again..."

 

When I told her that that wasn't going to be fair to me, it hit her pretty hard as she realized that she wasn't taking in account my feelings whatsoever. I'm not expecting anything, but I hope she does try to reconnect with me eventually because I know we could work out - it's the timing that is the problem.

 

Here's my thread if you're interested in more details: My thread

[r321148]

Just to add something that I thought of recently:

It's not really what I'd call a proper break up as we were only together a month when I freaked out and broke up with her. But it might be interesting as an alternative viewpoint. Here's what happened:

 

About 6-7 years ago I started seeing a girl. I had just been in a hurtful relationship (the one I spoke about above where she cheated on me 3 times!), had a lot of stress from my uni degree and was really not in a great place for a relationship. We hit it off straight away and were together for a month until I flaked out on her. I told her I didn't want a relationship with her as I didn't feel enough for her and that I only liked her as a friend (I'm not sure why I said this as it wasn't the reason, i just wasn't in the right place for a relationship). She was really supportive though and said she understood.

We then remained friends for the next 3 months. She was really really sweet and supportive and her presence in my life without the pressure of a relationship helped me see what a lovely person she was. We spent more and more time together. Soon stress cleared a bit and I was over the trust issues developed from my previous relationship so I told her that if she was still interested, I would like us to give it another go at being together. She was a little hesitant and we went slowly to start off with but it all worked out and we had a really happy and loving relationship for the next 5 years. I don't think that relationship would ever have happened if she had gone NC with me. I was genuinely confused and just in a bad place. When that changed she was there right in front of me for me to see that she was perfect for me.

I think I should add that it only worked though as we were just friends for the 3 months. She never once asked for more or acted as if we were more. I think this is the key here. It wouldn't have worked if she'd cut me out as I would have wanted to let her move on with her life and wouldn't have reached out through fear of not being fair to her. It also wouldn't have worked if she had tried to stay "friends" but consistently trying to pressure me into changing my mind. I really admire her strength as (looking back) this 3 months can't have been easy for her.

This is just me though and I am unique....just like everyone else!

[lindsay1990]

I think that as NC goes by for both dumper and dumpee, it is possible that their opinions and mindset kind of start to coincide. For example, during our break up, my ex would say that he never saw us working out anymore, that he didn't see a future, that he loved me but I wasn't someone he would want to have kids with, etc. because we fought too much, and our fights got NASTY. When I say nasty I mean three days before I moved ended up with grabbing, fighting and a cell phone smashed against the wall.

 

SO, at least when things are/get ugly, as a dumpee I can tell you that in retrospect and as time goes by, the bad things seems to prevail more and more, and the desire to ever reconcile as well. I think that if time goes by and you don't get back together sooner than later, it means that after emotions and rage and hurt have died down and all that is left are the cold, objective reasons they broke up, the person that dumped still thinks these reason are valid and legitimate and existent at that point.

 

As for my ex, I don't need him to contact me for me to know this because I feel I know him better than anybody (sometimes even more aware of his motivations than himself!), I AM 120% certain that the same is going through his mind. That is, if he misses me,, he is reminded about aaaall the reasons we shouldn't be together. I just *know* that this is his mindset, because I feel the same things: say it was immaturity on both our parts but as much as I know or like to think that I have improved, as HUGE part of me feels that he hasn't.

 

And I'm very sure he feels the same. What I'm trying yo say is, he might miss me but we both feel (him more decidedly) that it is a matter of incompatibilities so I don't think either of us will ever let up.

 

Maybe we should have stayed at least in LC to be aware of progress or something, keep *some* connection, IDK, because at first the option was to take a break not a definitive breakup but honestly we beat that horse to death and back and death again. Sometimes relationships feel so ruined and unresolvable that as much as you think "maybe I am better now and better equipped" you just can't fathom the other person being in the same place, and sometimes you don't even want to bother to beat this differences in the future. You simply lose the desire to swim against the current anymore. Thing is we don't *know* if that will be the case, but I think at this intersection is where both dumper and dumpee start to meet and why neither breaks NC - because at a certain point even the dumpee starts to think "Why bother?" and at that point, and I speak only for myself, I kinda have to hand it to my dumper when I feel "Ahhhh, now I see why he insisted on breaking up". Of course that's probably my mind making peace so... ya know.

 

Sorry if this makes little sense. Just my thoughts straight to the keyboard, as they come up.

[lindsay1990]

Needless to say, if my ex ever does come back (which I am certain he won't because after he sent breadcrumbs after first 10 days of NC saying he "loved me and wished for me only the best" which I took to mean he was insisting on the break up being the right thing to do and only added insult to injury, I replied with a nasty email telling him to forget about me, stay away from me and have a nice life), and maybe even says that he didn't reach out sooner because he was "scared" of how I would react, I would be even more disappointed and mad at him.

 

Seriously, I would rather not hear from him again than hear in a year that he has been miserable without me or changed his mind and made a mistake because then all I could think of would be: "How could you be so stupid?! To put us through aaaaall this then, and then feel like crap, have me feel like crap and then change your mind?!". But that's just me. So, really, I like to tell myself he is doing better than ever, relieved that I am out of his life and THRIVING and NOT LOOKING BACK.

 

Simply because to me, the alternative of him moping around over me and not doing anything about it out of fear or confusion, irks me more. Thus, I think the mindset of the dumper, even if regretful, will suck anyway. To me whatever they think is dumb enough (or will at least make me feel worse) and I would prefer to not have confirmation.

Edited October 1, 2013 by lindsay1990

[Mariposa10]

I think that as NC goes by for both dumper and dumpee, it is possible that their opinions and mindset kind of start to coincide. For example, during our break up, my ex would say that he never saw us working out anymore, that he didn't see a future, that he loved me but I wasn't someone he would want to have kids with, etc. because we fought too much, and our fights got NASTY. When I say nasty I mean three days before I moved ended up with grabbing, fighting and a cell phone smashed against the wall.

 

SO, at least when things are/get ugly, as a dumpee I can tell you that in retrospect and as time goes by, the bad things seems to prevail more and more, and the desire to ever reconcile as well. I think that if time goes by and you don't get back together sooner than later, it means that after emotions and rage and hurt have died down and all that is left are the cold, objective reasons they broke up, the person that dumped still thinks these reason are valid and legitimate and existent at that point.

 

As for my ex, I don't need him to contact me for me to know this because I feel I know him better than anybody (sometimes even more aware of his motivations than himself!), I AM 120% certain that the same is going through his mind. That is, if he misses me,, he is reminded about aaaall the reasons we shouldn't be together. I just *know* that this is his mindset, because I feel the same things: say it was immaturity on both our parts but as much as I know or like to think that I have improved, as HUGE part of me feels that he hasn't.

 

And I'm very sure he feels the same. What I'm trying yo say is, he might miss me but we both feel (him more decidedly) that it is a matter of incompatibilities so I don't think either of us will ever let up.

 

Maybe we should have stayed at least in LC to be aware of progress or something, keep *some* connection, IDK, because at first the option was to take a break not a definitive breakup but honestly we beat that horse to death and back and death again. Sometimes relationships feel so ruined and unresolvable that as much as you think "maybe I am better now and better equipped" you just can't fathom the other person being in the same place, and sometimes you don't even want to bother to beat this differences in the future. You simply lose the desire to swim against the current anymore. Thing is we don't *know* if that will be the case, but I think at this intersection is where both dumper and dumpee start to meet and why neither breaks NC - because at a certain point even the dumpee starts to think "Why bother?" and at that point, and I speak only for myself, I kinda have to hand it to my dumper when I feel "Ahhhh, now I see why he insisted on breaking up". Of course that's probably my mind making peace so... ya know.

 

Sorry if this makes little sense. Just my thoughts straight to the keyboard, as they come up.

 

Same here, my breakup was supposed to be more of a break he even said all he needed was a couple of months. But this was not a regular break, this BREAK WAS FOR HIM TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!

 

Anyway, I agree with some of the things you posted. It was interesting to read both of your posts.

[lylat333]

lylat333,

 

In my situation, I felt that it was totally silly that my gf had dumped me. I'm not trying to be egocentric, but I knew that she had relied on me totally for support, and she loved me so much, and was comfortable with telling me anything and everything knowing I'd care enough to be able to give her insightful advice as well as be there for her no matter what.

 

Haha, I wish I could say the same as matter-of-factly about my own recent breakup (seeing it as a totally silly decision) but I can't go that far. I do think it's silly she broke up... and very unfair. I honestly didn't even feel like I had a chance. She asked me, "What would change?" and I knew for sure I had changed and was over the main issues hanging us up. Instead of giving me any chance to exhibit my changes, less than a week later she was done with me. I was totally puzzled and it left me feeling convinced something was going on I don't know about.

 

We hit it off straight away and were together for a month until I flaked out on her. I told her I didn't want a relationship with her as I didn't feel enough for her and that I only liked her as a friend (I'm not sure why I said this as it wasn't the reason, i just wasn't in the right place for a relationship). She was really supportive though and said she understood.

 

r321148, if you don't mind me asking did you ever get intimate w/ this girl in that month you were together? If not, I'm not surprised she didn't go NC because there was no big emotional bond to mourn. Even if you were were intimate for most/all of the month... it still makes more sense a person would be less likely to go NC after such a short period of time. NC is for when you were really invested in someone and can't heal with them in the picture. Not saying a deep bond can't be made in a month, but it's less likely.

 

I kinda have to hand it to my dumper when I feel "Ahhhh, now I see why he insisted on breaking up". Of course that's probably my mind making peace so... ya know.

 

Thanks for sharing, lindsay. You sound pretty confident about knowing how your ex feels, more confident than I would ever attempt to be. I am very hesitant to speculate too much because I've been dead wrong in the past about relationship stuff. For all I know my ex is experiencing the relief, thriving without me and never looks back. Or maybe she made a really dumb decision and rebounded. Maybe she will never look back, maybe it's just a matter of time until she comes back, or maybe she wants to come back but won't because she screwed up and it'd be too messy. My desire to reconcile has all but withered but I do still believe we had something, and there was plenty of untapped potential. We were generally very happy together.

 

It sucks not having any control as the dumpee, but on the upside we don't have to ever be haunted by our decisions. I've experienced that as the dumper and it's horrible. (frankly it still bothers me every once in a while) I have nothing to second-guess regarding my most recent breakup... sure I pleaded and begged a little but I don't think it made or broke the big picture. Dumpers have to live w/ their decision for perhaps forever, so... better make a good decision!

[lindsay1990]

You sound pretty confident about knowing how your ex feels, more confident than I would ever attempt to be. I am very hesitant to speculate too much because I've been dead wrong in the past about relationship stuff.

 

Oh, well, I don't really feel I'm speculating because as lovely as it had been until we broke up, during the following 23 days that I stayed at our shared place after that I heard him speak his mind plenty, ha.

Things unravelled insanely quickly after that so I *am* very confident in that where he was standing at the end of those 23 days of fighting, begging, pleading, negotiating, etc. under the same room (knowing that I was leaving that apt, to leave the country thus leaving for good and forever) PLUS those 10 days preceeding his "best wishes" is where he stands now.

 

As I said, if he isn't, that's just all the more aggravating. And that was my point in referring to the dumper's eventual mindset: would you really be happy if you found out you ex had been pining over you but didn't have the will (for recon)/guts to let you know? Despite having the will/guts to break up? Maybe only for a bit of ego vindication but aside from ego, well... I'm saying I wouldn't feel better. Personally, just worse. So maybe this is a scenario worth considering too :)

Edited October 1, 2013 by lindsay1990

[lindsay1990]

sure I pleaded and begged a little but I don't think it made or broke the big picture. Dumpers have to live w/ their decision for perhaps forever, so... better make a good decision!

 

 

I think this is admirable, and not just because I begged too, ha. People were telling me to stop begging and I would say I'm only going to be here three weeks and I will fight until the last second for my relationship that way he, and especially myself, can look back and remember that no matter what happened before, Lindsay's "pride" was not the obstacle. It may sound manipulative but thanks to that, I feel I did what I could and it was up to him.

 

After reading about the many potential mistakes we make when keeping contact, I also feel that begging didn't make or break it. My opinion is that letting yourself be friendzoned WILL break it, but begging? It's what you do when you're desperate and in love and in admission of guilt for some part of the fallout. It is the human thing the heart just tends to do, for many people. But I agree that I don't regret begging because it only made it clearer (for me, at least) that he meant business.

[r321148]

r321148, if you don't mind me asking did you ever get intimate w/ this girl in that month you were together? If not, I'm not surprised she didn't go NC because there was no big emotional bond to mourn. Even if you were were intimate for most/all of the month... it still makes more sense a person would be less likely to go NC after such a short period of time. NC is for when you were really invested in someone and can't heal with them in the picture. Not saying a deep bond can't be made in a month, but it's less likely.

 

No I don't mind you asking. Yes we actually started as somewhat of a one night stand. After that we saw each other 3-4 times a week socially and also at work (awkward!). We got really close but then I freaked out. Totally my problem and nothing to do with not liking her at all despite what I said to her.

I agree with you on that one. It worked in this scenario as I got to know her better without the pressure of a relationship whereas if you've been together a long while you already know everything about the other person. This is why I added the caveat at the start of the post. I wasn't offering it up as a "this is what you should do" post. Just thought it was an interesting experience semi related to the topic.

[lylat333]

My opinion is that letting yourself be friendzoned WILL break it, but begging?

 

I agree, and thankfully I knew enough to know being friends was never an option. The 2-3 times she said something like, "I was hoping we can still be friends." I immediately came back with ~"I can't be friends with someone I've had such strong feelings for."

 

I regret I sort of hung around after we last talked, but I was hoping she would have a change of heart soon. I remained friends w/ her on FB, wrote her a letter 10 days after we last spoke, commented on one of her FB pictures she put up 10 days after that and after realizing she was giving me the silent treatment I took down all of our pictures, then 2-3 weeks later blocked her on Facebook. I hadn't been considering it much until that point because I didn't think/hoped it wouldn't be necessary but I left the door open plenty long for her to reach back out if she wanted to. Now I want it to be as difficult as possible for her to be in touch with me.. might sound counter-intuitive to some but it's the only way for me.

 

It worked in this scenario as I got to know her better without the pressure of a relationship whereas if you've been together a long while you already know everything about the other person. This is why I added the caveat at the start of the post. I wasn't offering it up as a "this is what you should do" post. Just thought it was an interesting experience semi related to the topic.

 

No, I agree with you it is an interesting experience and related to the topic! I appreciate you sharing more.

Edited October 2, 2013 by lylat333

[Babolat]

For the dumper, he/she has made a decision, and even though it mat be hard, it's what they want to do, so they're not necessarily too emotional about it..

 

I could not disagree more, and I wish people would stop saying this. I was the dumper, and it was hard as crap, and it hurt, and it WAS emotional. We went about 3 weeks of NC, then she started contacting me, and that WAS very difficult, and I was weak.

 

Dumpees of LS, it's not "life is great" for the dumper....

[lylat333]

I could not disagree more, and I wish people would stop saying this. I was the dumper, and it was hard as crap, and it hurt, and it WAS emotional. We went about 3 weeks of NC, then she started contacting me, and that WAS very difficult, and I was weak.

 

Dumpees of LS, it's not "life is great" for the dumper....

 

I think I have an idea of what you're getting at. Babolat my memory is a little fuzzy as it has been over 2 years but breaking up w/ my ex of 6 1/2 years was extremely emotional, but I will say after the break was done I put the whole thing on hold in my mind and functioned pretty well, much better than my ex at the time.

 

Leading up to her moving out there were emotional fights unlike anything we had gone through. I felt like the bottom of the barrel as a person, I remember thinking the worst feeling in the world was feeling I was the reason for her being sad or upset. But I was suffering from some cognitive dissonance... I cared about her, but not enough to work it out and was cold to her when she pleaded with me a lot of the time.

 

Life wasn't "great" after dumping her by any means, but it was a relief of sorts and I was going through the initial excitement of the idea of coming across greener grass. I thought if she found someone who made her happier than I, we would be better off for it. I look back on those times and feel my mind was in la-la land. I actually had a lot of room for improvement in my own life and probably shouldn't have been seeking another women yet and I was sure as hell not prepared for the possibility of her getting involved with someone else which is what ended up happening. But, at the time the decision IS what I wanted as Romaks described so I wasn't nearly as emotional about the decision as the dumpee was.

 

Now I believe I must be experiencing so many of the same emotions my ex did... I do tend to agree w/ Romaks that the dumper isn't nearly as emotional as the dumpee. The dumpee has no control over the situation whatsoever, it's a feeling of total helplessness... the dumper gets to at least enjoy the power of steering the ship for a while and if the dumpee is pining after them and the lost relationship it's so much less painful. I remember my other ex saying again and again, "It feels like you don't even miss me" or "I feel like you will never miss me". I never understood why she was so hung up on that, why does she care so much about whether or not I miss her? I totally get it now.