What is the dumper's mindset if they come back for a second chance?

[JoelBarish]

This thread was really a good read. I think it's important not to fan the flames of false hope of getting back together....however it is important to think things through and make sense of it all and this thread has been a good discussion of what goes on with dumpers....as a dumpee I am enlightened now...thanks

[Simon Phoenix]

This is so, SO true and a big reason why I created this thread. It's what I was referring to when I asked if the dumper ever truly considers the amount of change/evolution that could have taken place for the dumpee over the course of NC.

 

Some do, some don't. My ex didn't, or at least hasn't yet. Not exactly caring or holding my breath to see if she does.

 

We broke over a year ago (she was a bit of a forced dumper after a short but pretty damn awesome relationship) and I didn't do a true NC until two months later -- spent three weeks trying to get her to talk/hang out with me with little success, then took several weeks off from that, then saw her during a pre-arranged weekend, then talked to her on her birthday only to get a cold shoulder. After that I spent 5.5 months away working on myself, blocking her Facebook news feed, not texting, not calling, not asking about her (she was my best friend's sister-in-law) before restarting some communication after I realized that I was healed and cool with things no matter how they ended up.

 

Over the course of a few months we talked, communication slowly increasing and becoming more friendly. I even had my friend (her brother-in-law) tell me that she told him that she wanted to see me. So a few weeks after that I ask her out to lunch/a drink. She starts textbombing my phone saying that missed me and wanted to see me as friends (which was fine with me). But then she started going off on what happened when we broke up and venting over text over stuff that happened the year before. I sent her a short email (at her request) explaining myself because she was obviously hung up on it, then explained to her that I was looking to move forward and I had no interest in rehashing the past or harboring any feelings from it. I haven't heard back from her since (I think that was two months ago, give or take a few days) and quite frankly, I couldn't care less.

 

The crazy thing about this whole thing (and why I'm just indifferent to it) was that it took her a year to come clean and talk about why we had a falling out. She refused to do it at the time and by the time she did, it didn't really matter to me at all because I had moved forward.

 

Anyway, it was clear that my ex a) has not worked through any of the things from the break and is still hung up on some things and/or b) chose not to for whatever reason and would prefer just to keep a simple image of what she perceived me as at the time of the break in her head. Either way, there's nothing I can do or want to do to change that.

[Sugarkane]

I know what you mean. Here's another area I experienced a drastic change between dumper/dumpee: As a dumper I didn't mind for instance going back and reading old emails between my first ex and I. Even when I was sad I reveled in the good times we used to share. The funny things she used to say and her hilarious use of gmail emoticons. My recent ex? I'm right there with you, I can't stand to look at any of it. The thought of going back and looking at what how we used to write each other makes my stomach turn. Same goes for seeing pictures of us together.

 

Couple weekends ago I came across an old letter my first ex wrote me my first year of college. I broke down and cried because it was unbelievably sweet. Yes, it made me very sad... but a small part of me feels a sense of happiness I was able to have what we had. If I were to read the poem my recent ex wrote me last year I might cry... but there would be no sense of happiness or any fond memories, it is all overshadowed by me thinking, "How could you do this?"

 

lindsay, sounds like we're on the same page too. Appeasing the dumper or giving them any comfort about their decisions is a mistake. I'm thankful my ex lives 45 min. away and we don't run in the same circles. As far as i'm concerned if she's not going to come crawling back I don't want to hear another word about her, ever.

I envy you. No ones written me letters before. A dying art.

[lylat333]

So while you were with your ex (dating I guess) you begged your first ex to take you back? If your first ex had said yes then you wouldn't have had a relationship with the second ex? Haha oh my god, I'm so nosey!

 

Haha, no you can be nosy. I begged my first ex to take me back in Nov. '11, I didn't meet my recent ex until late April '12. The only times I reached out to my first ex while with my recent ex were 1) a month after I started seeing her and she drunkenly made out w/ a guy, I told my first ex I loved her and missed her. (I was not bf/gf with my recent ex yet. I also even told her what I did, but I wasn't really trying to get my first ex back I just wanted to "remind" her how I felt. I was extremely hurt and not thinking straight at the time. 2) When my recent ex and I broke up and went into our limbo period in March '12, that's when I wrote the really long to my first ex to hopefully get all of my pent-up feelings out of my system. Again, I kept my recent ex totally in the loop and even offered to let her read what I wrote if she wanted. She said it would be too personal so she didn't.

 

I never tried to fight to get my first ex back while I was with my recent ex, but I sure did miss her and go through feelings of regret again, and the guilt was overwhelming at times. I was haunted by things my first ex told me when we were breaking up like, "Why don't you love me anymore?" or "You know, you really ****ed me over."

 

The crazy thing about this whole thing (and why I'm just indifferent to it) was that it took her a year to come clean and talk about why we had a falling out. She refused to do it at the time and by the time she did, it didn't really matter to me at all because I had moved forward.

 

Anyway, it was clear that my ex a) has not worked through any of the things from the break and is still hung up on some things and/or b) chose not to for whatever reason and would prefer just to keep a simple image of what she perceived me as at the time of the break in her head. Either way, there's nothing I can do or want to do to change that.

 

I found this really interesting. I wouldn't be surprised at all if my recent ex is experiencing something similar. She gave no good explanation for giving up and ceasing communication so abruptly. If my suspicion is right about someone else in the picture it would mean she was not only lying to me, but others too. I don't think she wanted to believe (or let anyone else believe) she gave up on us to go for someone else. I have multiple reasons I base these suspicions on but I won't get into all that.

 

I envy you. No ones written me letters before. A dying art.

 

Aw, well thanks. I for one like to write. My first ex and I wrote at least 1 note to each other every day my senior year of high school, those were great. I thought I threw them away after we broke up, but I actually still have almost everything she ever wrote me stored away. I've never gone back to read them. It really hurt my recent ex didn't even acknowledge the letter I sent her. It was only 1 page front and back... I thought I kept it light-hearted and pressure-free. If my first ex would have written me a letter I think surely I would have acknowledged it?? I don't understand. Those last couple of weeks she stopped caring, she wasn't listening to me anymore.

[lindsay1990]

Heya Lylat. I know EXACTLY what you mean about reading all correspondence, I had postcards, love letters, e-mails, etc and I thought:

 

- how could you this

- how could you change your mind from this

- how can you not feel like this anymore

- it's been like 1 month

- a week ago we were talking about getting married

- how can you take back 'forever'

- how can you not love me anymore

- how can you unlove me so fast

- how can you unlove me because of our problems/fights

- how can you not fight for this

- are you a robot are you dead Inside

- how can you give up on this

- how can you throw this all away

 

As triggering as this sounds, be thankful that you were spared this: when I sobbed and basically dragged myself across the floor to my ex's feet (ugh I know) asking the questions, distraught... the dude looked at me ICE COLD and said: "we fought once a month, IT WASN'T THAT GREAT!".

 

When he said that I was aghast, let go of his legs and just looked up at him in horror and asked: "How can you say that?". He replied: "You brought this upon yourself"

 

I never asked again and left a few days later. It's crazy when you feel like their reality was different you know, and you kinda think they just lied but maybe they just run their mouths not thinking about the consequences of letting their Infatuation get the best of them. Sucks for us, ha.

[lylat333]

You're exactly right, and now I know what it's like to be on both sides. I was such an ice-cold robot to my first ex I can hardly believe it. She opened up the container she stored all of my letters in and started reading them to me one night, crying. "Does this not mean anything to you??" But I was ice cold because I was spent emotionally. I had no more fight in me, sadly. Meanwhile the dumpee is as energized as ever because they are staring the finality right in the eyes.

 

Simon describes breaking up as looking at all these things, the words we said and commitments we made, as files on a computer and when you break up it goes in the recycle bin. They're null and void, even though you thought they were supposed to be forever.

 

Now I know what it feels like to see someone give up on me. She said a time or two, "I really care about you" at the end but I shot right back, "No you don't." She didn't care enough to fight, anyway. Her reasoning felt like a total cop-out to me.

 

That's messed up he said, "You brought this upon yourself". I really feel for you, though. And yes, the "reality" is different between dumper and dumpee, they are in totally different places emotionally. The dumper checks out, you're now speaking to a person who doesn't love you romantically anymore.

[lindsay1990]

If my ex feels guilty, I don't get any satisfaction because it doesn't mean he wants me back and I'd rather him hate me than pity me. However, when I think about your experience and that maybe my ex was cold too because he was burnt out, I am SO SO SO happy that I sent that horrible email (33 days post BU, 10 days after moving out/NC) saying basically he was dead to me not write me again because otherwise........ I would of course be waiting for him to soften up after reading your experience. So I am glad I burned that bridge. Because even if I hadn't read your story, I might have held out hope somehow.

 

What would you speculate is the differentiating factor in you having a change of heart towards your ex- ex-, but your ex- not towards you? Do you have any sort of theory of what might be different here? I ask becausr you state you ex- had checked out but when you dumped ex-ex-, you maybe *thought* you had but then realized you didn't?

 

As a note, I remember asking (screaming whatever ha) my ex if he had checked out. Okay maybe downright accusing him of it, ha. And he would insist he hadn't so then, like you shot back at your ex, I would snap back "yes you have, don't patronize me".

Edited October 3, 2013 by lindsay1990

[lindsay1990]

Omg. I just realized a common factor: the presence of alternative prospects. Even if you didn't leave ex-ex- for somebody else, there was interest or at least, curiosity but with a name and face. And this is what you believe to be the case on behalf of your ex-, right?

 

Just pointing this out. Hmm...

[lylat333]

I'm glad you did whatever you had to do to best function in the future. imo love is not waiting around in agony for someone to have a change of heart.

 

What would you speculate is the differentiating factor in you having a change of heart towards your ex- ex-, but your ex- not towards you? Do you have any sort of theory of what might be different here? I ask becausr you state you ex- had checked out but when you dumped ex-ex-, you maybe *thought* you had but then realized you didn't?

Good question. First I don't rule out my ex having a change of heart yet. It's been 69 days since I've heard from her, 49 days since I made any kind of contact with her (liking/commenting on a FB picture she uploaded), and only 22 days since I blocked her on Facebook - the true beginning of NC for me. If she did get involved with someone else, for her to get back in touch (a big if) the honeymoon phase will have to die off, which will probably take at least 2-3 months. I probably won't stop feeling she has reason to regret her decision until ~6 months has passed.

 

It's a really good question though. I think it also has to do with the length of the relationship. 6 1/2 years vs. not even a full year of being bf/gf. I think it would be extremely difficult even for the most composed people to never second-guess going cold turkey with someone they spent so much of their life with, especially when things were generally really good. All the Christmases, birthdays, and I went on several vacations with my other ex, none with the recent one.

 

You're right when you said, "but when you dumped ex-ex-, you maybe *thought* you had but then realized you didn't?" I did check out, or thought I did but I still had unconfronted feelings. One of the biggest ? marks in my life is I don't know if my ex will go through the same thing or if she really did already make peace with it all already and isn't ever going to look back. She's been in several failed relationships in her adult life as well, whereas I have only had the 2 serious relationships. That could make it easier for her to write it off and try... again.

 

I also don't think my ex is very introspective, so she may not think about it as much. Her personality, and she will admit it, is she is very stubborn like her mom and will put up with unhealthy, unhappy situations. She doesn't want to rock the boat or admit she made a mistake getting herself into a bad situation, it's just "how it is". Her mom is in an unhappy 2nd marriage, doesn't even sleep in the same room as her husband but, "that's life". My ex got sucked into the party life in college because, "that's what people do" and her expectations are shaped by her sisters and the negative influences around her. Her relationship w/ me was not the norm for her so it may be weird for her to choose it. Or maybe it will be the thing that brings her back because I am a contrast to so much in her history and present, for better and for worse.

Edited October 3, 2013 by lylat333

[BC1980]

I envy you. No ones written me letters before. A dying art.

 

Me either. I was an English major, and I've never dated a man who wrote me letters, poetry, ect.

[BC1980]

You're exactly right, and now I know what it's like to be on both sides. I was such an ice-cold robot to my first ex I can hardly believe it. She opened up the container she stored all of my letters in and started reading them to me one night, crying. "Does this not mean anything to you??" But I was ice cold because I was spent emotionally. I had no more fight in me, sadly. Meanwhile the dumpee is as energized as ever because they are staring the finality right in the eyes.

 

Simon describes breaking up as looking at all these things, the words we said and commitments we made, as files on a computer and when you break up it goes in the recycle bin. They're null and void, even though you thought they were supposed to be forever.

 

Now I know what it feels like to see someone give up on me. She said a time or two, "I really care about you" at the end but I shot right back, "No you don't." She didn't care enough to fight, anyway. Her reasoning felt like a total cop-out to me.

 

That's messed up he said, "You brought this upon yourself". I really feel for you, though. And yes, the "reality" is different between dumper and dumpee, they are in totally different places emotionally. The dumper checks out, you're now speaking to a person who doesn't love you romantically anymore.

 

Your perspective has really helped Lyatt, to see it from a dumper's POV. My ex also seemed ice cold when he broke up with me. The reality is that he was also emotionally spent and had been dealing with it silently for the past few weeks. He said he couldn't sleep at night because he didn't know what to do.

 

It's come full circle in some ways because the last time we spoke, I just had no emotion left. He was asking me to meet up with him because he missed me, and I had zero desire to see him. I was tired of the roller coaster. In reality, missing someone doesn't mean that much. It certainly does not mean he wants to be in a relationship with me. To me, it means he wants to continue being an emotional leech while offering no commitment. I know he isn't that calculating, but that would be the result of our continued contact.

 

Who knows if we will ever be back on the same page again. Truthfully, he is a good guy, but he has some issues, as we all do. At this point, my ideal would be to actually find someone better and start fresh. This is also why I would be reticent to contact him again. I'm worried that I might fall into the trap of settling if he did want me back. Because if I am honest with myself, I do want a clean slate right now. I don't trust myself enough, at this point, not to settle for him if it came down to it.

[holly12345]

When the dumper is still in love with the one he dumped, will he ever truly move on if they remain friends?

[BC1980]

When the dumper is still in love with the one he dumped, will he ever truly move on if they remain friends?

 

I think it would be difficult to fully move on for the dumper if he/she is still in love. I think something has to happen to force the moving on in some cases. In my instance, I forced NC for both of our sakes. In Lyatt's, he saw his ex in another relationship.

 

It's just so variable. Some people break up and never look back. It depends on how long the relationship lasted, the reasons for the breakup, ect.

[davidhdl]

Just your thoughts Got a text from her last night, around 10.30 No words just her number Did she but text me by accident, Been two weeks to the day for n c

[holly12345]

I think it would be difficult to fully move on for the dumper if he/she is still in love. I think something has to happen to force the moving on in some cases. In my instance, I forced NC for both of our sakes. In Lyatt's, he saw his ex in another relationship.

 

It's just so variable. Some people break up and never look back. It depends on how long the relationship lasted, the reasons for the breakup, ect.

 

My ex, the dumper, has such a willingness to move on yet isn't rejecting the idea of being friends. When asking if he still loved me, he replied 'I'm trying not to'. What do you think the consequences would be if we tried a friendship? I don't think I'd move on, maybe he won't fully move on. Maybe he might and I'd eventually be crushed. How can I be sure it's the right move?

[lindsay1990]

Good question. First I don't rule out my ex having a change of heart yet. It's been 69 days since I've heard from her, 49 days since I made any kind of contact with her (liking/commenting on a FB picture she uploaded), and only 22 days since I blocked her on Facebook - the true beginning of NC for me.

 

Ha, and there I was thinking that getting breadcrumbs 10 days after 23 since BU/Moving Out *had* to mean that he had thought it over and was surer than ever. That's the day I gave up officially. I guess I'm impulsive like that. We are around the same timeline, Lylat, though your bridge is not yet burned. And that can be better than my situation because at least you know (and also your mom letting her know that it's not that you don't care) it's her that's failing to make the move. In my case, the "best" case scenario is that my ex would be too afraid to contact me, but really I think he was just more sure about the break up after receiving my nasty response to the crumbs. I don't remember reading if you received any breadcrumbs?

 

 

I also don't think my ex is very introspective, so she may not think about it as much. Her personality, and she will admit it, is she is very stubborn ...

 

This is where my money is at with my ex. I guess these are the times that for the sake of some speculation, the knowledge we have of them comes in handy. My ex is, for one, a notoriously passive guy. I would not be surprised if his "I love you and best wishes, please send me an email you find your ring among your things as I have looked outside and inside and can't find it. SAFE TRIP" was actually an expression of softening up but I can't think like that. I don't like to think he could possibly be *that* stupid to break the ice with a parting wish like "wish you only the best". Also, my ex is a full-blown momma's boy (and the kind of guy who would tell everybody our fights and our business), so if he was ever doubting the break up, I'm sure he found plenty of people willing to talk him out of it - as happened in those 23 days before I left.

 

I guess our best bet for the future behavior/current mindset is definitely their past behavior, and how we know they used to handle similar things in their life. So maybe it doesn't look so hot for us haha but I get the feeling that right now you also feel that not hearing from ex is for the best.

 

Do you ever wonder that the fact that in your mind you are allowing your, let's say "maximum give up date" is too far ahead? Like 3-6 months, do you worry that this counter productive to your healing? Again, just because in this discussion I felt such a relief that I "burned my bridge".

 

 

Edit: Oh, and about the introspection and why quoted it is because up until 20 days, my ex insisted on placing the blame on me and accused me of being ungrateful, abusive, manipulative, destroying our relationship, etc. and only a couple of days before he admitted that we both had issues we needed to work on. But I strongly suspect that his issues he referred to was (and I quote) "why he would be in a relationship like this with a woman like me". His mother's words, and eventually his mindset. Yeeeaaaah, mine is a lost cause. :/

Edited October 3, 2013 by lindsay1990

[lindsay1990]

When the dumper is still in love with the one he dumped, will he ever truly move on if they remain friends?

 

 

Absolutely I think. Only worse, the dumpee will become friendzoned and the dumper gets the chance to wean themselves off progressively from the dumpee.

 

Even if I didn't want to reconcile, I wouldn't be a "friend" just because it makes it SO much more easier for the dumper, but at the expense of the dumpee.

[lylat333]

Your perspective has really helped Lyatt, to see it from a dumper's POV. My ex also seemed ice cold when he broke up with me. The reality is that he was also emotionally spent and had been dealing with it silently for the past few weeks. He said he couldn't sleep at night because he didn't know what to do.

Thanks, that would be great if someone else could take something away from my experiences. Being emotionally spent is much like being physically spent. Sometimes after running I will think, "I could have run faster!" I think I could have pushed through the pain. When the time comes to give it another go I'm reminded why I couldn't run faster - when you're spent, you're spent, even if you wish you could do more.

 

I'm worried that I might fall into the trap of settling if he did want me back. Because if I am honest with myself, I do want a clean slate right now. I don't trust myself enough, at this point, not to settle for him if it came down to it.

This surprised me. When I read your posts about why you're in NC you sound confident and over him, I don't expect to see you worried about settling for anything.

 

Just your thoughts Got a text from her last night, around 10.30 No words just her number Did she but text me by accident, Been two weeks to the day for n c

Ignore it. thora-tiki said in one of her posts, "Delete the text and move on from that incident. Think of it as a brain-fart from your ex-hole. Bahaha! Actually this is to your advantage, you ignoring" Those words are etched into my memory. If my ex ever texts or tries calling me I will think of it as exactly that - a brain fart - until they make it clear what their intentions are. Random, "accident" 100% vague texts and calls are crummy breadcrumbs!

 

My ex, the dumper, has such a willingness to move on yet isn't rejecting the idea of being friends. When asking if he still loved me, he replied 'I'm trying not to'. What do you think the consequences would be if we tried a friendship? I don't think I'd move on, maybe he won't fully move on. Maybe he might and I'd eventually be crushed. How can I be sure it's the right move?

Of course he isn't rejecting the idea of being friends, that's Dumper 101! Friendship is w/ the dumper is for the birds, couldn't agree w/ Lindsay more - all it accomplishes is easing the dumpers guilt and yes, they wean themselves off of you by keeping you dangling on a string. Without a doubt the best thing for you to do is remove yourself from his life or he will never see what life is like without you or miss you.

 

and btw lindsay, no I've never gotten a single breadcrumb. The evening of July 26th was our last phone call, the last words she ever spoke to me were, "Don't call me, don't message me... I can't take this." and she hung up. I had no idea it could be the last we would hear from each other. I just chalked it up as being an emotional phone call and she had probably started drinking by then, too because she was out at a house party.

 

As for the "maximum give up date" that's not something I've thought about much until lately. I don't mean for it to be concrete, like, "OK, I'm going to give this 6 months and then I KNOW I can move on." It's more like... that's how I think I'm gonna be. I'm probably going to continue to think there's a chance she could reach out sometime within the next 6 months based on all I've read and understand.

 

However, if I met a promising girl before then I would give it a shot and am working on having my heart open for another love. Right now I'm not stressing out over finding someone... I deactivated my online dating profile again a week or two ago and am content to wait until someone comes completely out of the blue or I get set up with someone through a friend or family member.

[holly12345]

Of course he isn't rejecting the idea of being friends, that's Dumper 101! Friendship is w/ the dumper is for the birds, couldn't agree w/ Lindsay more - all it accomplishes is easing the dumpers guilt and yes, they wean themselves off of you by keeping you dangling on a string. Without a doubt the best thing for you to do is remove yourself from his life or he will never see what life is like without you or miss you.

 

That's interesting because I felt it might help me wean myself off him! However, I didn't feel it would fix my guilt over hurting him. He's never stayed friends with any of his previous ex's. He doesn't want to keep me dangling, but it might help with his guilt over breaking up with me, if he feels any! I'm thinking of just asking him. There is going to be a talk between us about where we go from here. I need a plan.

[lylat333]

Hmm, do you want to be weaned off of him? If you want to heal and get over him, NC is the best way imo.

 

It doesn't feel good to break up with people, it's a tough decision. If you think the breakup was warranted then it might not be so bad. But if you think the breakup was a mistake, being friends with him will only make him feel like he made the right decision.

 

Also, do you still be his friend when he starts seeing someone else? I would've felt awful seeing my ex get involved with someone else while I'm relegated to friend status.

[holly12345]

Hmm, do you want to be weaned off of him? If you want to heal and get over him, NC is the best way imo.

 

It doesn't feel good to break up with people, it's a tough decision. If you think the breakup was warranted then it might not be so bad. But if you think the breakup was a mistake, being friends with him will only make him feel like he made the right decision.

 

Also, do you still be his friend when he starts seeing someone else? I would've felt awful seeing my ex get involved with someone else while I'm relegated to friend status.

 

I do not want to lose him, life's too short! He wants to stop loving me and move on, and he said seeing me is hard for him. If he wanted so badly to move on, he could've treated me like his ex's. The only reason I'd consider full blown NC is if he insisted it's TOO hard and really couldn't hack being friends.

 

His reasons for breaking up with me, I respect. But it's a very workable issue. Not in his eyes unfortunately and I'm no longer fighting for a change of heart.

 

I would be hurt if he moved on! I guess that's why I originally posed the question... Can you ever truly move on while being friends with an ex you're still in love with. Will he move on??

[lylat333]

I would be hurt if he moved on! I guess that's why I originally posed the question... Can you ever truly move on while being friends with an ex you're still in love with. Will he move on??

 

The way I see it is you're not really "just friends", there is an imbalance. I absolutely think he can move on while still being "friends". You will be just a friend to him but he won't be "just a friend" to you. Him saying, "seeing you is hard for me" is BS. :| He feels guilty and wants you to feel sorry for him. "Oh, I've never had such a hard time getting over someone!" But I'm dumping you anyway.

 

Sounds like you're still trying to cater to his desires... you'll be friends if that's what he wants, you'll go NC if that's what he wants.

 

I can almost guarantee you based on his history his issue right now is he doesn't quite have someone waiting in the wings yet... so he doesn't want to let you go, but he doesn't want to lead you on either. As soon as he does - you will be replaced, and left out in the cold in the friend zone or end up in the ether along with his other exes. I feel really strongly now is the time to not stand for just being a friend and remove yourself from his life. Save yourself the emotional turmoil.

 

NC is the best way to get back to living life without him and prevent you from being hurt, taken advantage of, or yanked around. He will be left to his own devices - he'll either line something else up as he would have anyway or he'll see the grass isn't greener and probably come crawling back to you, the woman his lines and ways didn't work on. Call me cynical but I feel pretty confident on this.

Edited October 3, 2013 by lylat333

[lindsay1990]

I would be hurt if he moved on! I guess that's why I originally posed the question... Can you ever truly move on while being friends with an ex you're still in love with. Will he move on??

 

I get the impression that what you are asking is if by staying friends with him you can keep him from moving on. Because you are straight up saying you will be hurt if he moves on, so are you wondering about this as strategy?

 

I'm not trying to be judgemental, just maybe trying to get to the root of your inquiry.

 

But to answer again: YES he can absolutely move on as friends. Maybe you can too, but it will be way, way harder.

[holly12345]

It was originally something I felt could lead to reconciliation in the future! But my hopes are lessening as the days go by. I get annoyed with myself for allowing to think there's hope for a relationship now and while I know everything people say about NC is logical, I'd still rather him be in my life - one way or another. Crazy I know!

 

I still care, so I am still wanting to appease his needs. Initially after the break up, I didn't. I called knowing it'd be hard for him. I think he didn't ignore because he knew I felt I needed to hear from him. I want to respect his needs I guess and find a happy medium!

[lindsay1990]

Well if you want a reconciliation being friends is the worst way to go about it based on my opinion and virtually everything else I have heard or read. At its most basic, he needs to see you as a partner (a crappy partner, the partner he hates or the partner that got away and wants back) but always as a romantic partner. If you play the friends card, he WILL see you as a friend.