What is the dumper's mindset if they come back for a second chance?

[lycan]

Very interesting subject and my first comment.

 

Myself, i was dumped in a relationship last December, it was a good relationship and still in the honeymoon stage. We spoke about things we both wanted to do together and i would get many comments from her that would suggest long term. I have been through allot in my life so i was cautious. When the relationship ended i told her that it made me sad bcos i thought this could have been something special (Was my most serious relationship 14 months out of a previous long term). Then, i walked away!

I got odd text through xmas which i replied in kind also got her new number in April. But i never initiated contact whatsoever...i just moved on. Since the bu i have done everything we talked about doing together and got on with my life.

 

The sad thing with all this though is that i seem to have lost the will to be in a serious relationship. I am dating someone right now but there is no feelings there for me. I seem to be forcing myself to date in the hope i get them feelings. I believe the reason for this is bcos of how good the bu was with my ex..no begging, no pleading, no arguments..a bu due to what i believe was a misunderstanding..and i just simply walked away! Do i still feel something for my ex..ofcourse but i know i did the right thing mainly bcos misunderstanding or not..she ended things!

 

It has been 10 months since the bu..will she come back? Who knows..ALL my previous ex's have in one way or another but i have to continue moving on. But i can say that it is a fact in my life that when they did return, i had moved on although i did give it a go with two long term ex's but i ended it with both bcos the trust had gone.

 

Just food for thought on a scenario where the dumpee does what you all say is the right thing to do

[EIK]

 

I have totally hardened my heart to my recent ex. When she stopped talking to me, I didn't even think I could go on. I wanted us to reconcile with every fiber of my being. Hardening of the heart is basically a self-defense mechanism, you have no choice but to cut off your emotions because you can't function otherwise. I can get away with going a couple of weeks or so being a zombie, but I have bills to pay, laundry to do, others have families to feed.

 

How perfectly put. Been there. Now I'm the regretful dumper.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years who was crazy in love with me 2 months ago and just recently realized it was a terrible mistake. She's definitely the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

So I tried to get back together with her and we did, even though she didn't want to initially, as she was past the 'wanting to reconcile with every fiber of her being' phase. She doesn't feel like I'm special anymore. She wants to, but it's just not like flipping a switch. She doesn't seem to care whether I'm around or not. The feeling seems to be dead. She wants it all back, but she has little hope of that happening. She's with me now because what we had was so great, that she's giving it another shot, even though she feels nothing right now. Maybe her feelings will light up again when she can truly forgive me for what I made her go through? There's a lot of work to be done in our current relationship, and I don't even know if it CAN be done!

I know I broke her heart and her trust, and it kills me every minute.

I really hope that defense mechanism you mentioned limits itself to only shelving feelings instead of killing them off. Any thoughts on that?

[Mariposa10]

How perfectly put. Been there. Now I'm the regretful dumper.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years who was crazy in love with me 2 months ago and just recently realized it was a terrible mistake. She's definitely the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

So I tried to get back together with her and we did, even though she didn't want to initially, as she was past the 'wanting to reconcile with every fiber of her being' phase. She doesn't feel like I'm special anymore. She wants to, but it's just not like flipping a switch. She doesn't seem to care whether I'm around or not. The feeling seems to be dead. She wants it all back, but she has little hope of that happening. She's with me now because what we had was so great, that she's giving it another shot, even though she feels nothing right now. Maybe her feelings will light up again when she can truly forgive me for what I made her go through? There's a lot of work to be done in our current relationship, and I don't even know if it CAN be done!

I know I broke her heart and her trust, and it kills me every minute.

I really hope that defense mechanism you mentioned limits itself to only shelving feelings instead of killing them off. Any thoughts on that?

 

 

I'm curious to know why you broke up with her in the first place...?

[EIK]

I'm curious to know why you broke up with her in the first place...?

 

Basically doubted whether it was time for settling down and if she was the one. Now I've got things completely figured out. I missed her everyday during the time we were separated. Sounds silly, I know... Just want to make things right now. I hope it can be done, but it's really freaking me out when I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm scared I might have lost her forever.

[lindsay1990]

Not saying it's the best strategy, but this is what I did. I felt so confident she was going to get back in touch within a couple of weeks so I tried to stay cool. In hindsight I wish I would have went NC as soon as it was obvious her heart wasn't in it anymore and she started ignoring me. I think NC should be implemented as soon as feel you've lost control of the situation.

 

imo being friends is not empowering... not for the dumpee, anyway.

 

Darnit.

 

I feel relieved that I know all "this stuff" now, but I reallyyyy hope I'll never be in a position to use it again.

[lindsay1990]

I agree. Moving on is the way to go.

 

I also think that it's not so common to get back together because so many people don't go NC immediately and move on. They keep dipping in and out of each others lives because neither one has the courage to cut the contact completely. Also, so many dumpees make the mistake of begging or looking pathetic even when they don't know it.

 

I had no idea how pathetic I looked post breakup, and I didn't even beg. I thought that because I never begged for him back, that I was okay and looked good. Wrong. The fact that I didn't put my foot down and go NC made my situation so much worse for both of us.

 

Naaaah, I think begging would have been worse. I cried, begged, pleaded for 23 days before my moving out date... after I moved out, I left the country and ex never saw me or heard from me again for the past 3 months (except when I replied to breadcrumbs telling him to eff off).

 

But I haaaaardly think the NC afterwards in any way "made up" for the damage done by begging. I think staying LC or even contact shows something else than sheer desperation ie. confusion, affection, maybe hope. But NOTHING looks as bad begging... I was literally sobbing every night, throwing up and on my knees. Just awful and disgraceful, and THAT's the memory my ex will be stuck with. 23 days of that isn't a moment of weakness, it's practically a life choice, ha.

[Mariposa10]

Basically doubted whether it was time for settling down and if she was the one. Now I've got things completely figured out. I missed her everyday during the time we were separated. Sounds silly, I know... Just want to make things right now. I hope it can be done, but it's really freaking me out when I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm scared I might have lost her forever.

 

Just take things slowly and don't put too much pressure on her. How long were you two separated? Were you the one who initiated contact after the breakup?

[EIK]

Just take things slowly and don't put too much pressure on her. How long were you two separated? Were you the one who initiated contact after the breakup?

 

2 months. We always kind of kept casual contact. I checked on her to see how she was holding up etc. But yeah, I took the initiative to reconcile.

That's what I'm doing. I told her not to put any pressure on herself, as she wants to feel the same way she felt about me before the breakup, but can't. I told her if she doesn't wanna try anymore it's fine, I'll understand, even though I really want it to work and will do everything I can. I'm being as supportive as I can, but sometimes I feel she doesn't even care or want me around, and it's really frustrating. I feel like I'm losing hope sometimes, but I can't as she barely has any.

[lylat333]

2 months. We always kind of kept casual contact. I checked on her to see how she was holding up etc. But yeah, I took the initiative to reconcile.

 

What if she blocked you out of her life and went NC instead of keeping casual contact? Do you think you would have arrived at the same conclusion?

[EIK]

What if she blocked you out of her life and went NC instead of keeping casual contact? Do you think you would have arrived at the same conclusion?

 

There's no way to know for sure, but I think so. I missed her like hell, but was too proud to go back. It took me 2 months.

She's still very hurt and disappointed that I let her down. I guess only time and patience will fix that...

[lylat333]

Thanks for responding. I can't help but be interested in this because I do wonder (even though I don't ever expect to know) what is going through my ex's head.

 

I really hope that defense mechanism you mentioned limits itself to only shelving feelings instead of killing them off. Any thoughts on that?

 

I don't know. In my case I feel like my feelings towards my ex really are killed off and there's nothing she could do to ever regain my trust or romantic love. Which as I just said in another thread is something I believe my ex suspects and is why she has never made a single attempt to reach out to me because it would only confirm how negative I feel about the whole thing. But we suffered from a lot of trust issues so my situation is probably a bit worse. I would probably never even get to where you are now and attempt again.

 

I think it's admirable you're trying, and I do believe you're doing the right thing by laying your heart out and being vulnerable. It's the only way you stand a chance imo. This is a case where I think it would be a good idea to do something special for her. Doesn't have to be a grand or expensive gesture. Something to show her how she is to you. And always respect her feelings and don't put pressure on her.

[lil hoodlum]

Thanks for responding. I can't help but be interested in this because I do wonder (even though I don't ever expect to know) what is going through my ex's head.

 

 

 

Which as I just said in another thread is something I believe my ex suspects and is why she has never made a single attempt to reach out to me because

 

 

Just my opinion, your ex has never made an attempt to reach out to you because something or someone else has her attention. Sorry if that sounds harsh but in my experience that is the reason. It sucks I know as I have been on the receiving end of the same kind of treatment...

[EIK]

Thanks for responding. I can't help but be interested in this because I do wonder (even though I don't ever expect to know) what is going through my ex's head.

 

 

 

I don't know. In my case I feel like my feelings towards my ex really are killed off and there's nothing she could do to ever regain my trust or romantic love. Which as I just said in another thread is something I believe my ex suspects and is why she has never made a single attempt to reach out to me because it would only confirm how negative I feel about the whole thing. But we suffered from a lot of trust issues so my situation is probably a bit worse. I would probably never even get to where you are now and attempt again.

 

I think it's admirable you're trying, and I do believe you're doing the right thing by laying your heart out and being vulnerable. It's the only way you stand a chance imo. This is a case where I think it would be a good idea to do something special for her. Doesn't have to be a grand or expensive gesture. Something to show her how she is to you. And always respect her feelings and don't put pressure on her.

 

Yeah, I guess depending on the relationship and the people involved, the feeling can really die out. I hope this is not my case though, as we always had a calm and healthy relationship where trust had never really been shaken before.

Thanks, I agree completely with you, doing this is indeed the only way I stand a chance. But man it's being tough.

In fact, I gave her flowers and cards and stuff. I'm thinking of sending her flowers to her workplace in a couple of weeks (if, and I hope we're still together). I haven't really come up with anything else nice I could do. I'm open to suggestions.

 

BTW, I'm inclined to agree with the poster above on the reasons why you ex hasn't established contact. She'd probably only do that if she were bored. As long as she's entertained with something/someone else, she won't even remember you exist. Sad but true. I don't really know your situation, but maybe you haven't assessed it through that perspective?!

[lylat333]

BTW, I'm inclined to agree with the poster above on the reasons why you ex hasn't established contact. She'd probably only do that if she were bored. As long as she's entertained with something/someone else, she won't even remember you exist. Sad but true. I don't really know your situation, but maybe you haven't assessed it through that perspective?!

 

I'm sure that's a big part of it. If the breakup were healthier I wouldn't really expect her to reach out. I just feel the breakup was very sloppy, I believe she was essentially lying to me about some things... and it was very abrupt. I feel like most people would at least feel compelled to apologize because of the guilt. Or make some effort to smooth things over a bit better.

 

I strongly believe she had someone else on the radar and at least got intimate with whoever it was and I don't think it's unlikely they could develop a relationship. If that were true, it makes more sense she wouldn't reach out.

 

Eventually things will slow down, and maybe she will be more introspective about it. No one else could understand why she cut off contact so quick and so definitively. But, even if she comes to regret how it all went down, I still don't expect her to contact me. I don't believe she's wired like that. I believe she would have to be at her wit's end, it would not be out of boredom or an impulse decision.

[ravssss]

If its not involving a 3rd person maybe chances are its a good intention ... else ... its jst a weak phase for them ... they need some support ... and they know they can always get it from the dumpee ...