What is the dumper's mindset if they come back for a second chance?

[lindsay1990]

 

Leading up to her moving out there were emotional fights unlike anything we had gone through. I felt like the bottom of the barrel as a person, I remember thinking the worst feeling in the world was feeling I was the reason for her being sad or upset. But I was suffering from some cognitive dissonance... I cared about her, but not enough to work it out and was cold to her when she pleaded with me a lot of the time.

 

I went through this, on dumpee's side. What is cognitive dissonance and what is its relation to you not wanting to work it out/being cold to her pleading? If you don't mind...

[lylat333]

I went through this, on dumpee's side. What is cognitive dissonance and what is its relation to you not wanting to work it out/being cold to her pleading? If you don't mind...

No, I don't mind at all.

 

Definition of cognitive dissonance I came across:

the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, esp. as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

 

Basically, on the one hand I loved her so, so much. She was the closest person to me in my life and seeing her in pain was the worst feeling in the world. When she cried it ripped my heart to pieces.

 

On the other hand, I felt like we were spinning our wheels in the relationship and we needed to separate. I thought we would gain perspective and either get back together and be better than ever or we would each find better things. I had started to experience attraction towards other people, our intimacy died down from the time we moved in together. (unexpectedly) I also remember her asking me multiple times, "I just want to know is there a chance we will be back together?" And I would always say, "I don't know." And that was the truth.

 

I didn't want to hurt her and I was trying to do what I thought was best. But I look back on some of my actions and things I said and hate that I was so cold to her and suffered overwhelming guilt for forcing us to break up because I have often felt it was the biggest mistake of my life. I wasn't being very loving to her when I knew she missed me and wondered if I missed her, this is the cognitive dissonance. Why was I being so cold and dismissive to someone I believe I truly love(d)? But I felt staying in touch and getting emotional again would drag us right back to where we had been for so long.

 

She started seeing someone else a couple months after we broke up and that's when it hit me like a freight train, I saw her relationship status change on Facebook. We were both each other's firsts so it was very, very difficult, and I had no one to blame but myself. Of course neither of us were perfect in the relationship and I'm sure when I dumped her she was probably shifting all the blame to herself for a while but that would have of course been wrong.

 

The experience showed me why begging/pleading doesn't work, it ultimately goes to the dumper's head and the power you give them can (and probably will) be used against the dumpee, sadly. What works is the dumpee elevating/isolating themselves and the dumper having a chance to second guess their decision and possibly feel they made a mistake. I do believe NC allows the negative feelings to die down and the positive feelings to re-emerge and shine through (if the relationship was generally good) because it's human nature. Only a matter of time until we bust out those rose-colored glasses.

Edited October 2, 2013 by lylat333

[lindsay1990]

Thank you. Yeah, I did relinquish all the power through the begging and pleading. Literally ended up apologizing for making him* do whateverthe did, so apologized for him and for me. Messed up. Thanks for the answer.

 

So, I know right now you're not here because of that ex-ex- but for your recent ex. But in the first case, I wonder why you didn't approach her while she got with that guy at first? Like it's not the same to step back in and let her know you regret when they are together for two months than when they have been together for a year, you know? This one is just curiosity Since, we're talking about dumper's mindset, what held you back then?

[lylat333]

So, I know right now you're not here because of that ex-ex- but for your recent ex. But in the first case, I wonder why you didn't approach her while she got with that guy at first? Like it's not the same to step back in and let her know you regret when they are together for two months than when they have been together for a year, you know? This one is just curiosity Since, we're talking about dumper's mindset, what held you back then?

 

Oh god, did I ever approach her and let her know how much regret I was going through. I called her... balling my eyes out. I poured my heart out. There were a couple of nights that were probably the worst of my life. I told her nothing else mattered in my life, I lost the love of my life. I told her I wished I would have asked her to marry me. I wrote her poetry. (she emailed me back saying it was "heart-breakingly beautiful") Bought poster board and made a collage of all the things we used to have in common and enjoy together. I came up with excuses for why I needed to come by and drop things off and bought her some candy and chocolate. I was a mess... I went through deep depression around that time. She told me she wished I would have said all those things when we were still together but she didn't want to give up on the new man. Everyone thought she got into a new relationship too fast but I have to say the guy she picked out seems to have been good to her. He's a kind, intelligent person who was looking for a serious relationship.

 

I pretty much got over my ex-ex when I met my recent ex. But when my recent ex drunkenly made out w/ another guy one night before we were even official bf/gf it sent me spiraling back downward and made me miss my other ex hardcore. And it's part of the reason why my recent ex going out was so troublesome, we had trust issues and it always made me miss my other ex because my first ex wasn't the party/bar-hopping type and I never liked that in my recent ex, even though she gave me the impression she wasn't into that much anymore. Now? I think she's right back where she used to be. -_-

 

When my recent ex and I stopped being FB official back in March I wrote my other ex a long letter to get over this once and for all. I spilled my heart out (again), said everything there could have been to say... she didn't acknowledge it and after a couple of brief, inconsiderate FB messages on my part she blocked me. I am resolved to never, ever contact her again because it would be so selfish and I need to move on.

[lindsay1990]

Whoa. I'm sorry to hear this :/

It's a bit crazy how we are all just subjected to our own psychology, I say this because you had your change of heart upon knowing she was with the new guy. Do you think you would have had it regardless of that? Or was it definitely the wake up call? Would you say you had been 100% sure about the break up until you realized she was moving on so fast?

 

For what it's worth, knowing more details I insist that you did the right thing. I mean, a real man doesn't put courage before pride, and going after her with your heart in your hand took guts.

[Mariposa10]

No, I don't mind at all.

 

Definition of cognitive dissonance I came across:

the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, esp. as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

 

Basically, on the one hand I loved her so, so much. She was the closest person to me in my life and seeing her in pain was the worst feeling in the world. When she cried it ripped my heart to pieces.

 

On the other hand, I felt like we were spinning our wheels in the relationship and we needed to separate. I thought we would gain perspective and either get back together and be better than ever or we would each find better things. I had started to experience attraction towards other people, our intimacy died down from the time we moved in together. (unexpectedly) I also remember her asking me multiple times, "I just want to know is there a chance we will be back together?" And I would always say, "I don't know." And that was the truth.

 

I didn't want to hurt her and I was trying to do what I thought was best. But I look back on some of my actions and things I said and hate that I was so cold to her and suffered overwhelming guilt for forcing us to break up because I have often felt it was the biggest mistake of my life. I wasn't being very loving to her when I knew she missed me and wondered if I missed her, this is the cognitive dissonance. Why was I being so cold and dismissive to someone I believe I truly love(d)? But I felt staying in touch and getting emotional again would drag us right back to where we had been for so long.

 

She started seeing someone else a couple months after we broke up and that's when it hit me like a freight train, I saw her relationship status change on Facebook. We were both each other's firsts so it was very, very difficult, and I had no one to blame but myself. Of course neither of us were perfect in the relationship and I'm sure when I dumped her she was probably shifting all the blame to herself for a while but that would have of course been wrong.

 

The experience showed me why begging/pleading doesn't work, it ultimately goes to the dumper's head and the power you give them can (and probably will) be used against the dumpee, sadly. What works is the dumpee elevating/isolating themselves and the dumper having a chance to second guess their decision and possibly feel they made a mistake. I do believe NC allows the negative feelings to die down and the positive feelings to re-emerge and shine through (if the relationship was generally good) because it's human nature. Only a matter of time until we bust out those rose-colored glasses.

 

After you broke up with your first ex, did you go out with other girls? (not counting your recent ex). If not, let me congratulate you for breaking up with your girlfriend and not waiting to find someone else first to finally break up with her.

[BC1980]

When my recent ex and I stopped being FB official back in March I wrote my other ex a long letter to get over this once and for all. I spilled my heart out (again), said everything there could have been to say... she didn't acknowledge it and after a couple of brief, inconsiderate FB messages on my part she blocked me. I am resolved to never, ever contact her again because it would be so selfish and I need to move on.

 

I think you can harden your heart to a person over time. Even with my recent ex, my heart has hardened since I went NC. There are times when I feel sad, but I immediately put that wall up. I just cannot allow myself to get emotional about him.

 

I'm sure your first ex had to put up a wall to get over you. It's very hard to come to the decision to do that in the beginning, even though it is always recommended on LS with good reason. People have been there, and they know what prolonged LC can do to the dumpee (even to the dumper, it doesn't allow them to let go either).

 

I'm sorry all that happened with your old ex. It's interesting to read because I do think dumpers second guess their decisions a lot of the time. But you always have to wonder if the same old problems would start to show themselves even if you got back together. That is always the problem isn't it? There are so many threads on LS with people getting a second chance only to break up again after the "new" wore off. Don't beat yourself up about the old ex.

[Babolat]

No, I don't mind at all.

 

Definition of cognitive dissonance I came across:

the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, esp. as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

 

Basically, on the one hand I loved her so, so much. She was the closest person to me in my life and seeing her in pain was the worst feeling in the world. When she cried it ripped my heart to pieces.

 

On the other hand, I felt like we were spinning our wheels in the relationship and we needed to separate. I thought we would gain perspective and either get back together and be better than ever or we would each find better things. I had started to experience attraction towards other people, our intimacy died down from the time we moved in together. (unexpectedly) I also remember her asking me multiple times, "I just want to know is there a chance we will be back together?" And I would always say, "I don't know." And that was the truth.

 

I didn't want to hurt her and I was trying to do what I thought was best. But I look back on some of my actions and things I said and hate that I was so cold to her and suffered overwhelming guilt for forcing us to break up because I have often felt it was the biggest mistake of my life. I wasn't being very loving to her when I knew she missed me and wondered if I missed her, this is the cognitive dissonance. Why was I being so cold and dismissive to someone I believe I truly love(d)? But I felt staying in touch and getting emotional again would drag us right back to where we had been for so long.

 

She started seeing someone else a couple months after we broke up and that's when it hit me like a freight train, I saw her relationship status change on Facebook. We were both each other's firsts so it was very, very difficult, and I had no one to blame but myself. Of course neither of us were perfect in the relationship and I'm sure when I dumped her she was probably shifting all the blame to herself for a while but that would have of course been wrong.

 

The experience showed me why begging/pleading doesn't work, it ultimately goes to the dumper's head and the power you give them can (and probably will) be used against the dumpee, sadly. What works is the dumpee elevating/isolating themselves and the dumper having a chance to second guess their decision and possibly feel they made a mistake. I do believe NC allows the negative feelings to die down and the positive feelings to re-emerge and shine through (if the relationship was generally good) because it's human nature. Only a matter of time until we bust out those rose-colored glasses.

 

Well said, I know exactly how you felt. It was close to an amicable break for us as she was frustrated too.

 

Like you, I felt a sense of relief. She has seen our breakup as time apart I think versus moving on. I think she still does. It's been 6+ months and she has made a lot of life changes, and continues to as she updates me. But, I am moving on.

 

I still wonder somestimes about "what if"; yet my mind goes back to "what was" and I quickly get back on track.

[lylat333]

Whoa. I'm sorry to hear this :/

It's a bit crazy how we are all just subjected to our own psychology, I say this because you had your change of heart upon knowing she was with the new guy. Do you think you would have had it regardless of that? Or was it definitely the wake up call? Would you say you had been 100% sure about the break up until you realized she was moving on so fast?

 

For what it's worth, knowing more details I insist that you did the right thing. I mean, a real man doesn't put courage before pride, and going after her with your heart in your hand took guts.

 

I can say with 99%+ confidence I would have had a change of heart eventually, to me it's clear as day her getting into the relationship was a wake up call expedited the realization process. We had so much in common, had invested SO much in each other... I was just a naive 25-year old "GiGS" case if there ever was one. We were the couple no one thought would break up, in fact when I changed my relationship status on FB people thought it was an unfunny joke. I also had a dream about her for the first time about a week or 2 before she got in that relationship which was a little bit of a sign.

 

My pride was out the window when I came running back to my ex. She got all the vindication she could have ever wanted and then some. I hated, hated, hated how much I hurt her and how I made her feel and I tried to do anything I could to make sure she knew she didn't deserve what I put her through. I think she was shocked that I hadn't actually had sex with anyone, she probably assumed I had by that point.

 

After you broke up with your first ex, did you go out with other girls? (not counting your recent ex). If not, let me congratulate you for breaking up with your girlfriend and not waiting to find someone else first to finally break up with her.

No, not really. I wasn't the dumper that had someone waiting in the wings but there were a couple of women I was interested in and thought I could picture myself with. I had lunch w/ one girl, who I had known ever since I was 16 but we never lived close to each other. That fizzled out. Admittedly I had begun emailing her while I was with my girlfriend. I never flirted with her because I didn't want to see what I was doing as cheating but I was working on seeing if anything could be there. The others I didn't care enough to pursue... it was weird.

 

I knew my ex was on online dating (she practically asked for my permission to start using it, she didn't want to mess anything up) and I didn't mind at all. When she called me and told me she had a couple of guys who wanted to go out for coffee with her I told her "go for it!" never thinking they would replace me.

 

I met this girl at a Halloween party last year... I became a little infatuated with her and thought she was really cool. The things about her that were different than my ex shined through. We slept (next to) each other. I asked her out on a date a couple of weeks later even though she lived 2+ hours away. Had a good time, I stayed over and she let me go pretty far but we didn't have sex. (I didn't try to) My infatuation with her was *just* starting to decline when I found out my ex got in another relationship. Seriously though, I'm very certain it would have never lasted w/ me and this other woman, we would have never had what my ex and I had. The morning after I stayed with her she asked me about my ex as she had also gotten out of a long relationship prior... I remember staring off into space when I thought about her and I said, "she was beautiful".

 

I think I deserve a little credit for not going off and having sex even though we had been apart for 2 months or so, but I was no angel. I dealt with the heartbreak of my first having sex with someone else now... and I never did have sex until I met my recent ex. I had multiple opportunities to but my ex set a high standard of attraction and I was tired of giving anything of myself into something I didn't expect to last.

Edited October 2, 2013 by lylat333

[lylat333]

I think you can harden your heart to a person over time. Even with my recent ex, my heart has hardened since I went NC. There are times when I feel sad, but I immediately put that wall up. I just cannot allow myself to get emotional about him.

 

I'm sure your first ex had to put up a wall to get over you. It's very hard to come to the decision to do that in the beginning, even though it is always recommended on LS with good reason. People have been there, and they know what prolonged LC can do to the dumpee (even to the dumper, it doesn't allow them to let go either).

 

This is so, SO true and a big reason why I created this thread. It's what I was referring to when I asked if the dumper ever truly considers the amount of change/evolution that could have taken place for the dumpee over the course of NC. I was a dumper who even after 2+ months expected my forlorn dumpee to still be ready and waiting for me to come back. How wrong I was. And how wrong my ex and other dumpers out there have been or may be.

 

I have totally hardened my heart to my recent ex. When she stopped talking to me, I didn't even think I could go on. I wanted us to reconcile with every fiber of my being. Hardening of the heart is basically a self-defense mechanism, you have no choice but to cut off your emotions because you can't function otherwise. I can get away with going a couple of weeks or so being a zombie, but I have bills to pay, laundry to do, others have families to feed.

 

I'm bitter to my ex for putting me through the heartache. NC is slowly reminding me how to function without my ex, and heal. "Heal" was a dirty word a couple of months ago. I didn't want to get over it.

[lindsay1990]

I can say with 99%+ confidence I would have had a change of heart eventually, to me it's clear as day her getting into the relationship was a wake up call expedited the realization process.

 

Oh, but I'm asking more is if BEFORE she told you (like when she spoke of seeing the guys from the dating site) you already suspected you would have a change of heart soon enough? Or did you sincerely feel okay with her moving on? Before it became actually *real*?

 

 

I had multiple opportunities to but my ex set a high standard of attraction and I was tired of giving anything of myself into something I didn't expect to last.

 

This is what I think deserves credit. That you didn't just try to fill the void, but you genuinely seem to have been holding out for better, a better relatonship Like, you didn't just break up bc you guys were fighting too much/losing intimacy and had enough, but because you really wanted to have a legit better relationship with someone.

 

 

 

-----

 

Thinking more about my own dumpers mindset, I can say that the two times I had dumped guys before this time (one at 19 and one at 22, now I am 25), it was because through out whatever issues either of us had we had stuck together but at a certain point I really, really felt they weren't in love anymore. Maybe they were but after so much damage had been done I would think "this dude doesn't adore me, he is okay with disappointing, with hurting my feelings. What can I do here? Nothing." so I would dump and then go No Contact.

 

In my case, I did not look back because by then I really felt I was giving up was on a shi*ty relationship or dynamic, not actually on "love" by reason of difficulties or incompatibilities.

 

So I think that if someone gets to the point where they really don't feel you love them in a good way (whatever the good way is for them) , they don't really miss you enough to get back together. In my case, I only reached out to the first ex after 3 years and my mindset was.... get ready..... I was diagnosed with a thyroid condition and thought I was going to die so I got in touch to assure him I didn't hate him and all was good. It wasn't serious haha but I did panic. (We are friendly now). This was two months after breaking up with the second ex and I did NOT contact him. Who knows why.

 

But the reaching out to the first one definitely came from an extreme mindset, not curiosity or something else. Just random examples from my life.

[BC1980]

This is so, SO true and a big reason why I created this thread. It's what I was referring to when I asked if the dumper ever truly considers the amount of change/evolution that could have taken place for the dumpee over the course of NC. I was a dumper who even after 2+ months expected my forlorn dumpee to still be ready and waiting for me to come back. How wrong I was. And how wrong my ex and other dumpers out there have been or may be.

 

I have totally hardened my heart to my recent ex. When she stopped talking to me, I didn't even think I could go on. I wanted us to reconcile with every fiber of my being. Hardening of the heart is basically a self-defense mechanism, you have no choice but to cut off your emotions because you can't function otherwise. I can get away with going a couple of weeks or so being a zombie, but I have bills to pay, laundry to do, others have families to feed.

 

I'm bitter to my ex for putting me through the heartache. NC is slowly reminding me how to function without my ex, and heal. "Heal" was a dirty word a couple of months ago. I didn't want to get over it.

 

My ex definitely thought I would always be there waiting because I gave him that impression in the early months after the breakup. I would have been there within the first few months. I needed NC to clear my head, and my ex might benefit. He was too weak to make a final break with NC, so I did it. Hopefully, he can evolve and gain some perspective. He certainly needs to.

[lylat333]

Oh, but I'm asking more is if BEFORE she told you (like when she spoke of seeing the guys from the dating site) you already suspected you would have a change of heart soon enough? Or did you sincerely feel okay with her moving on? Before it became actually *real*?

I wasn't thinking consciously about a change of heart but I know I was starting to "come back to earth". I honestly believed I was OK w/ her moving on... but what did I know? I had never gone through anything like that before. I remember thinking to myself, "I wish someone would have told me to really think about what life would be like without her." But, you can't know how it really feels until it happens. I don't think it helped we stayed FB friends. It was comforting to see that she still had pictures of us up and she posted a few sad status updates here and there. (whew, she must still miss me) Had she blocked me that probably would have rattled me and given me a taste of what losing her was really like.

 

Say she never got into that relationship, then what would have happened? Of course I can't know for sure. Maybe I could have even gotten into a relationship w/ someone myself if it worked out. I don't think it would have lasted though, because the day would have come I would have realized I threw away a good relationship. The dynamics are different for the dumpee... not surprising she wouldn't want to come back to me in the same way even if the "honeymoon phase" dies down for her. Not throwing herself to the person who put her through emotional hell, and I couldn't blame her.

 

This is what I think deserves credit. That you didn't just try to fill the void, but you genuinely seem to have been holding out for better, a better relatonship Like, you didn't just break up bc you guys were fighting too much/losing intimacy and had enough, but because you really wanted to have a legit better relationship with someone.

Thanks. All along did want genuinely better things for us but I made bad decisions going about it. We did have a loss of intimacy, which probably didn't help matters. My recent ex and I also experienced a loss of intimacy when we stopped being FB official and got into our limbo phase. Needless to say I don't recommend it... loss of intimacy is a red flag and limbo phase was a waste of time.

 

Thanks for sharing more about yourself, lindsay. I really hope my recent ex didn't come to feel like I didn't care about her. I don't think that was it, though. But hey, most of the reasons you would get dumped for aren't pleasant. My recent ex straight up told me she wasn't attracted to me anymore. I didn't get it, because as far as physical appearance goes I hadn't gone downhill at all and even emotionally I thought I stayed really good to her.

 

Frankly I think she abandoned ship because there was someone else in the picture. If that were the case all of the exchanges and events that happened down the home stretch would all make a lot more sense. I'm so glad I didn't get anymore pathetic than I already did... crying in front of her, holding onto her tightly all night the last time she stayed over... begging/pleading is going to hurt the dumpee's case the most when the dumper is already interested in someone else. Your attraction level is just going to sink that much more and it's the thing that needs to elevate! In hindsight I wish I never took her up on our last meetup, imo the best thing to do if your ex is searching for greener pastures is to reject the rejector.

[lylat333]

My ex definitely thought I would always be there waiting because I gave him that impression in the early months after the breakup. I would have been there within the first few months. I needed NC to clear my head, and my ex might benefit. He was too weak to make a final break with NC, so I did it. Hopefully, he can evolve and gain some perspective. He certainly needs to.

Part of the reason I created this thread is because I wonder whether or not my ex still expects me to be waiting for her if she chooses to come back. I have no damn idea! I know this thread won't solve that mystery but I enjoy hearing and find it helpful to hear what others have experienced.

 

I also told my ex in one of my last FB messages to her if she got involved with someone else that's where the line was and it would be a dealbreaker. I sort of regret saying that, not because I didn't mean it but I worry I came off as controlling or insecure. I just wanted her to know I do have boundaries, I won't allow myself to be trampled on and she knows where the line is. I'm not 100% sure if me saying that at the end would be enough to keep her silent or not if she did get involved w/ someone else. She knows would be running into a brick wall if she tried to reconcile w/ me anytime soon after that so I tend to think it could be a reason why she won't bother contacting me again in the near future. Unless it would be to apologize for something.

 

I would find it quite funny if my recent ex still thought I would be dying to talk to her and reconcile. Then again just a few weeks ago my mom called her and told her I was heartbroken. So, she may think I'm right where I was when she left me. But it's not like that... it's not so much that I wished to reconcile. I'm heartbroken at the way things went down and mourning a breakup I don't think should have happened.

[lindsay1990]

OMG YOUR MOM CALLED HER?!?! HOW MORTIFYINNNGGG UGGH HAHA

 

 

I was going to reply to something else until I read that. Now I need a second!

[BC1980]

Part of the reason I created this thread is because I wonder whether or not my ex still expects me to be waiting for her if she chooses to come back. I have no damn idea! I know this thread won't solve that mystery but I enjoy hearing and find it helpful to hear what others have experienced.

 

One of the last things my ex said was, "Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere." Of course, I don't believe that completely, and I don't really know what he meant. I just thought it was interesting because usually the dumpee would say that.

[lindsay1990]

Uggggghhh BC1980. If that was in fact a breadcrumb it is even worse than mine. Kinda makes you wonder "Maybe he wants a fresh start? Maybe at least he isn't closed to the possiblity?" but also "Maybe he is saying that FRIENDSHIP will be good any time, and I need not hurry to be friends because he would rather hear from me once I'mover it"? Ugh. I wish they didn't say anything at all. Stay strong.

[GingerVixen]

I've dumped a guy because I had realized he was a player and I was the idiot who believed in his lies. Then - and it was a terrible mistake - I tried to get him back because I really missed him, especially the talks and good laughs I had with him. So I thought of the bad aspects of our relationships and came to the conclusion that there were more good than bad aspects. I told him all about this and he dumped me back .

[Mariposa10]

I've dumped a guy because I had realized he was a player and I was the idiot who believed in his lies. Then - and it was a terrible mistake - I tried to get him back because I really missed him, especially the talks and good laughs I had with him. So I thought of the bad aspects of our relationships and came to the conclusion that there were more good than bad aspects. I told him all about this and he dumped me back .

 

How long did it take you to realize you wanted your ex back? And how long did it take him to break up with you....?

[lylat333]

OMG YOUR MOM CALLED HER?!?! HOW MORTIFYINNNGGG UGGH HAHA

 

 

I was going to reply to something else until I read that. Now I need a second!

 

Haha, I don't usually check/post on LS in the evening but... yeah... I posted about the whole ordeal of my mom calling her in my thread. Here's the post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/414075-troubled-loss-relationship-nc-6.html#post5210501

 

It wasn't totally mortifying just because they were really close, my ex really liked my mom a lot. My mom called me on a Saturday and knew I was depressed. My mom is a really sensitive person and she can't stand to see one of her 2 sons so down and feels compelled to try and help. Even though I told her numerous times not to call her, I was most afraid she would do it right after I stopped hearing from my ex. But my mom did it... and my ex apparently made it sound like she was going to call me (still haven't asked about what exactly my ex said on the phone) and it made for a wasted Sunday where I couldn't function because I was waiting for a possible call or text to come through. My ex never called, which I am thankful for, and I am also thankful my mom made it clear I did not cajole her into calling.

 

Depending on my mood, sometimes I think my mom ruined what I had going with NC up to that point, other times I'm almost thankful she did it because my ex will know I didn't go quiet and stop fighting because I didn't care anymore. She has to live knowing yes, she did hurt me, very much. I've read, "only you can break NC" so imo it doesn't count as breaking NC.

 

BC1980, my ex didn't say a whole lot to try and end on good terms. But she probably knew I wasn't buying any breadcrumb crap, because I really didn't trust her much by that point. One issue I suffered from is I often felt like she would tell me what she thought I wanted to hear and had trouble being honest sometimes. She only pulled the "I hope we can still be friends" thing 2-3 times... which I was not biting at.

 

My attitude was basically, no, I'm not OK with this. I tried to give her benefit of the doubt for a while so long as there was no evidence she left me to go see other people. I didn't want to be seen as an insecure, unstable dumpee. When I talked to a mutual friend of ours, he actually works with her, he sounded confident and told me unprovoked she wasn't seeing anyone. (This was 10 days after I last heard from her, the day she would have received a letter from me) That made me feel a lot better and contributed to me continuing to try and give her the benefit of the doubt and stay cool but who knows what was really going on she kept under wraps. All of her friends and family really liked me and if a new guy came in the picture soon after me I think they would have looked down on her for it.

 

Oh, and this was all an issue because she also told me numerous times she wasn't planning on seeing anyone/getting into a relationship anytime soon. I never believed that either. Honestly I don't think she's capable of going more than a few weeks just doing her, largely because her roommate has new guys coming over constantly and their thing was to go out for the purpose of getting attention from other guys and whatnot. *sigh* Not the kind of person I want to be with at all, but I thought she was getting away from all of it! She knew it would break my heart to see her go back to her old ways, she could be so much better than that.

 

Sorry to vent so much but it's nice to be able to. Tonight I feel, "Damn, this all really happened." Just feeling a little disheartened but I will be OK.

[BC1980]

Uggggghhh BC1980. If that was in fact a breadcrumb it is even worse than mine. Kinda makes you wonder "Maybe he wants a fresh start? Maybe at least he isn't closed to the possiblity?" but also "Maybe he is saying that FRIENDSHIP will be good any time, and I need not hurry to be friends because he would rather hear from me once I'mover it"? Ugh. I wish they didn't say anything at all. Stay strong.

 

He probably doesn't even know what he meant. If anything, he has convinced me that he is emotionally confused beyond anything reasonable in an adult. I was kind of offended that he said it because it implied that I would definitely want to contact him again. It was almost like he didn't realize how serious I was about NC. He sent a birthday card to my dad, which was really weird. I wasn't aware that I had to lay out all the NC rules like don't send birthday cards, ect. He also said something about him keeping me informed of any major things happening with his family. I'm thinking. . . . really? D*am, NC means NC.

[BC1980]

Sorry to vent so much but it's nice to be able to. Tonight I feel, "Damn, this all really happened." Just feeling a little disheartened but I will be OK.

 

Sometimes, I wonder how the past 3 years happened for me. Like it was the twilight zone or something. It almost seems like a different life because I keep my guard up and only think superficially about it. I have erased or gotten rid of any triggers like emails, pictures, gifts. I don't want to be caught unaware one day if I stumble over something. Last he told me, he still keeps all my stuff up at his house, such as our pictures, gifts I had given him. I couldn't stand to look at any of it personally.

[lindsay1990]

It's okay to be disheartened. I think the only two reliefs I have is that 1.) There is the Atlantic ocean between my ex and I, I have new number here so... there's no way for me to either wait for him to call or show up or run into. He's aaaaall the way back in America and in a nowhere town, for the time being. 2) He could only possibly email me and after he sent me the infamous breadcrumbs I made darn sure he knew he wasn't welcome to right me again so he should forget about me because it was a nightmare, I didn't know who he was anymore and was just relieved to be away from him, have a nice life, etc.

 

So, as awful as this is for all of us in out own ways, I think I have at least the solace of being virtually certain I will never hear from him again, thus I am not waiting for a message not even in the slightest form.

 

I think the best thing you did in denying the friendship is precisely that, when you say "I'm not okay with this". This is why I refused to reply with anything but resentment to my ex because his breadcrumbs indicated guilt and I know he has a very hard time with someone not liking him much less hating him. I simply refused to make it seem to him that I was in any way okay, in any way over or in any way agreeing that what had happened was for the best.

 

To me, at that point being confused and hurt, telling him I "also loved him and also wished him the best" seems tantamount to saying "Yeah, this was for the best. We'll be okay". Heeeeelzzzz naw! "Know that I will be hurt by this for a VERY long time, jerk", instead. Not the same as you I know, but I see the value in not acquiescing to their friendship or peace offerings just for the sake of letting them get away with hurting us.

[lylat333]

Last he told me, he still keeps all my stuff up at his house, such as our pictures, gifts I had given him. I couldn't stand to look at any of it personally.

 

I know what you mean. Here's another area I experienced a drastic change between dumper/dumpee: As a dumper I didn't mind for instance going back and reading old emails between my first ex and I. Even when I was sad I reveled in the good times we used to share. The funny things she used to say and her hilarious use of gmail emoticons. My recent ex? I'm right there with you, I can't stand to look at any of it. The thought of going back and looking at what how we used to write each other makes my stomach turn. Same goes for seeing pictures of us together.

 

Couple weekends ago I came across an old letter my first ex wrote me my first year of college. I broke down and cried because it was unbelievably sweet. Yes, it made me very sad... but a small part of me feels a sense of happiness I was able to have what we had. If I were to read the poem my recent ex wrote me last year I might cry... but there would be no sense of happiness or any fond memories, it is all overshadowed by me thinking, "How could you do this?"

 

lindsay, sounds like we're on the same page too. Appeasing the dumper or giving them any comfort about their decisions is a mistake. I'm thankful my ex lives 45 min. away and we don't run in the same circles. As far as i'm concerned if she's not going to come crawling back I don't want to hear another word about her, ever.

[Mariposa10]

I can say with 99%+ confidence I would have had a change of heart eventually, to me it's clear as day her getting into the relationship was a wake up call expedited the realization process. We had so much in common, had invested SO much in each other... I was just a naive 25-year old "GiGS" case if there ever was one. We were the couple no one thought would break up, in fact when I changed my relationship status on FB people thought it was an unfunny joke. I also had a dream about her for the first time about a week or 2 before she got in that relationship which was a little bit of a sign.

 

My pride was out the window when I came running back to my ex. She got all the vindication she could have ever wanted and then some. I hated, hated, hated how much I hurt her and how I made her feel and I tried to do anything I could to make sure she knew she didn't deserve what I put her through. I think she was shocked that I hadn't actually had sex with anyone, she probably assumed I had by that point.

 

No, not really. I wasn't the dumper that had someone waiting in the wings but there were a couple of women I was interested in and thought I could picture myself with. I had lunch w/ one girl, who I had known ever since I was 16 but we never lived close to each other. That fizzled out. Admittedly I had begun emailing her while I was with my girlfriend. I never flirted with her because I didn't want to see what I was doing as cheating but I was working on seeing if anything could be there. The others I didn't care enough to pursue... it was weird.

 

I knew my ex was on online dating (she practically asked for my permission to start using it, she didn't want to mess anything up) and I didn't mind at all. When she called me and told me she had a couple of guys who wanted to go out for coffee with her I told her "go for it!" never thinking they would replace me.

 

I met this girl at a Halloween party last year... I became a little infatuated with her and thought she was really cool. The things about her that were different than my ex shined through. We slept (next to) each other. I asked her out on a date a couple of weeks later even though she lived 2+ hours away. Had a good time, I stayed over and she let me go pretty far but we didn't have sex. (I didn't try to) My infatuation with her was *just* starting to decline when I found out my ex got in another relationship. Seriously though, I'm very certain it would have never lasted w/ me and this other woman, we would have never had what my ex and I had. The morning after I stayed with her she asked me about my ex as she had also gotten out of a long relationship prior... I remember staring off into space when I thought about her and I said, "she was beautiful".

 

I think I deserve a little credit for not going off and having sex even though we had been apart for 2 months or so, but I was no angel. I dealt with the heartbreak of my first having sex with someone else now... and I never did have sex until I met my recent ex. I had multiple opportunities to but my ex set a high standard of attraction and I was tired of giving anything of myself into something I didn't expect to last.

 

 

So while you were with your ex (dating I guess) you begged your first ex to take you back? If your first ex had said yes then you wouldn't have had a relationship with the second ex? Haha oh my god, I'm so nosey!