What is the dumper's mindset if they come back for a second chance?

[sealyons]

Thank you for all your inputs. It gave me a clearer perspective about this whole dumpee/dumper issue. I am a recent dumpee for over 5 months now and a dumper 5 years ago. After my recent ex broke up with me, I initiated the NC as I knew how a dumper felt being bombarded with pleading and begging messages. 2 months after being NC with my recent, I sent a message to my ex ex apologizing. She must be surprised to hear from me 5 years after. On my part, it was not a ploy to get her back or to be updated with what's going on with her life. It just dawned on me how cold I was to her before and that an apology was necessary even after all these years. believe me, I had no intentions of reconciling. Then again, I felt not as deep as I have with my recent. I was with my first for only 8 months, broke up with her because I fell inlove with my recent ex whom I'm with for 5 years. Seeing my ex ex happy with her life touched me to the minimum. She didn't message me back but I couldn't care less. Just the part of me apologizing is a deep relief for me.

[holly12345]

Another poster recommended this website, and I found a post that might help you about setting boundaries post breakup. Pretty much everyone on this forum should read this post. It really helped me reinforce why I am doing NC.

 

 

10 Core Breakup Boundaries That Every Person Should Live By | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

This is a good read! It gives me that boost of confidence and a feeling of 'I can do this, I can move on and be okay'. I've been randomly getting this feeling when I've done little things to make myself feel better. But at some point during the day, I will slip back into a sense of worthlessness. I'll wake up missing him and wanting his company in a platonic kinda way. Is this wrong of me!?

[lylat333]

Wow, sealyons, 5 years. I personally think going back and apologizing is OK as long as you come from the right place. Your apology was unconditional, you meant it.

 

This is a good read! It gives me that boost of confidence and a feeling of 'I can do this, I can move on and be okay'. I've been randomly getting this feeling when I've done little things to make myself feel better. But at some point during the day, I will slip back into a sense of worthlessness. I'll wake up missing him and wanting his company in a platonic kinda way. Is this wrong of me!?

 

I still deal with ups and downs - a lot. Last night when I was running I got my optimistic high. "Who cares about her? She's not as content as I am. Good things are going to happen for me." Later when I turned into bed I was filled with bitterness I have slept alone every night for the past 2 1/2 months. I still wish every day she would call or something good will happen to take the pain away.

 

But I don't desire my ex in a platonic way, and I don't ever desire to break NC anymore. I'm in the bunker taking it one day at a time, riding the rollercoaster.

[Polak]

I'm in the bunker taking it one day at a time, riding the rollercoaster.

 

I feel ya. The rollercoaster is a long one for me.

[sealyons]

Wow, sealyons, 5 years. I personally think going back and apologizing is OK as long as you come from the right place. Your apology was unconditional, you meant it.

 

 

 

Others said it was selfish of me to apologize with the belief that it's just to appease the feeling of guilt I have. But on my end, i thought it was necessary considering that I was really cold and mean to her before with all her pleading ways. Now, I am feeling what she might have been feeling and I completely understand it now. I calculated everything before I sent her the message. I checked her instagram, her facebook and other possible ways to have a glimpse of her life. Just in case, I don't want her to think that my message would mean more than saying sorry. She is very happy with her life and I am really glad I feel genuine joy towards it.

[JoelBarish]

Alright I think I figured out what I was trying to ask the other day. You guys have been talking about the dumpers mindset if they come back. My question is what is the dumpers mindset if they come back after they have been seeing someone else?? Do you think if they haven't dated anyone else yet that makes them more likely to come back? Any dumpers here ever have that experience ?

[Simon Phoenix]

Alright I think I figured out what I was trying to ask the other day. You guys have been talking about the dumpers mindset if they come back. My question is what is the dumpers mindset if they come back after they have been seeing someone else?? Do you think if they haven't dated anyone else yet that makes them more likely to come back? Any dumpers here ever have that experience ?

 

I'd say less. I think it'd be hard to appreciate what you once had if you haven't sampled other things to compare.

[r321148]

Alright I think I figured out what I was trying to ask the other day. You guys have been talking about the dumpers mindset if they come back. My question is what is the dumpers mindset if they come back after they have been seeing someone else?? Do you think if they haven't dated anyone else yet that makes them more likely to come back? Any dumpers here ever have that experience ?

 

I really don't think this question is answerable. It totally depends. If she was single for ages she might think she will never find anyone and may come back because of that....although I'd never want this to be the reason an ex came back!! Yes she may also see the grass is not greener on the other side and come back because of this. Neither are great reasons really.

I calculated everything before I sent her the message. I checked her instagram, her facebook and other possible ways to have a glimpse of her life. Just in case, I don't want her to think that my message would mean more than saying sorry. She is very happy with her life and I am really glad I feel genuine joy towards it.

 

I can relate to you here with my previous ex who I dated for around 6 years. I treated her so badly at the end and we broke up almost 2 years ago and haven't had any contact since. I still wonder sometimes if I should send her an apology. I have no desire to get back together with her so it would be a genuine apology for hurting her so much. I haven't done this and I don't think I will as I feel the best thing I can do for her is to leave her alone and not dig up the past. I'm a little torn though as some days I do feel like she deserves an apology....it's a tough one.

[holly12345]

I have been thinking about this a lot, just in general.

 

I wont be reconciling with my ex, specifically because of addictions issues with him.

 

BUT I can honestly say that if I was with someone, and we were compatible, together for several years etc. and broke up for whatever reason-uncertainty, fighting, whatever (except cheating) and feelings remained I would reconcile.

 

It would be my preference to reconcile after at least 5 months of NC, or LC.

Even if one, or both of us had being seeing other people in between.

 

If those feelings were there on both sides, I think put enough time in between and a relationship can really be better. I have seen it myself with my friends.

 

Even my parents got married after having a year long separation in their mid twenties.

 

So I wouldn't rule it out.

 

This is a nice thought. Care to give us some insight on these examples?

Did any of these people who split try to fully close the door on the relationship? What happened to bring 'em back around? Or was it just a case of 'if you love it, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be'. Ha!

[melell]

The common factor was always both parties accepting it was over and moving on. Not holding onto hope for the future really seems to encourage people to better themselves. Moving on really does do wonders if there are strong compatibilities.

 

I mean of course there are cases where one person is in love with the other, while one isn't. The chances of two people like that reconciling are pretty much non existent. I really don't want my post to make people think that their ex might come back, because in most circumstances they wont.

 

If love remains between two people despite moving on then that's where it happens.

 

My best friend was with her once ex for 4 years. Things got really bad between them LOTS of fighting, they loved each other a lot, but the tension and arguing pushed him to the limit and he left (she was ready to walk away too). 1.5 years later both had completely moved on, grown and bettered themselves, they became friends again, took the chance to get back together and not make the same mistakes. They have been married 3 years now, and just had their first child.

 

Two people let go, moved on, healed, matured, learned lessons. They were in a better position to be together, and knew each others worth.

 

The initial love was always equally shared between them though. So someone getting bored or falling out of love wasn't the issue.

[holly12345]

The common factor was always both parties accepting it was over and moving on. Not holding onto hope for the future really seems to encourage people to better themselves. Moving on really does do wonders if there are strong compatibilities.

 

I mean of course there are cases where one person is in love with the other, while one isn't. The chances of two people like that reconciling are pretty much non existent. I really don't want my post to make people think that their ex might come back, because in most circumstances they wont.

 

If love remains between two people despite moving on then that's where it happens.

 

My best friend was with her once ex for 4 years. Things got really bad between them LOTS of fighting, they loved each other a lot, but the tension and arguing pushed him to the limit and he left (she was ready to walk away too). 1.5 years later both had completely moved on, grown and bettered themselves, they became friends again, took the chance to get back together and not make the same mistakes. They have been married 3 years now, and just had their first child.

 

Two people let go, moved on, healed, matured, learned lessons. They were in a better position to be together, and knew each others worth.

 

The initial love was always equally shared between them though. So someone getting bored or falling out of love wasn't the issue.

 

I only ask because my boyfriend broke up with me despite the fact he still loved me. Now he is trying not to and move on! I know I need to do the same but I feel part of me will always love him and will be waiting for his return. Sometimes I have confidence that our love will always be in the back of his mind too, but I could be so very wrong. We are trying the friendship route now (not in hope of getting him back), but I do question whether that'll help either of us fully move on. If only there was a way of knowing!

[melell]

Honestly- it is so hard to know. He may still love you, he may say that, but at the same time he might not.

 

People say all sorts of things that don't make sense.

 

Everyone is going to tell you go nc, move on, let go. And it really is what will need to happen sooner or later. I mean, either you reconcile soon (if that is what you both want), or you completely let go. There is no such thing as 'in between' with friendship and the like.

 

Being friends is emotional suicide in a lot of ways, it really keeps both people in limbo.

 

My advice- if you really think he loves you and he will come around be friends for a few weeks and see what happens. If nothing comes of it then go nc, and let the process happen.

 

Don't prolong the process anymore than you have to.

[Simon Phoenix]

Being friends to try to trigger someone into "remembering" that they love you is a failure-ridden enterprise. You are better off disappearing completely.

[lylat333]

My advice- if you really think he loves you and he will come around be friends for a few weeks and see what happens. If nothing comes of it then go nc, and let the process happen.

 

Not saying it's the best strategy, but this is what I did. I felt so confident she was going to get back in touch within a couple of weeks so I tried to stay cool. In hindsight I wish I would have went NC as soon as it was obvious her heart wasn't in it anymore and she started ignoring me. I think NC should be implemented as soon as feel you've lost control of the situation.

 

imo being friends is not empowering... not for the dumpee, anyway.

[Romaks]

Yeah I agree. You'll get no respect for wanting to be friends, and you'll eventually be squeezed out of their life anyway.

 

I told my ex that it doesn't work like that, and I have no interest in such a demotion.

 

I don't disagree that it's possible to win him/her back through being friends, but it seems that by choosing this avenue, the connection that is rebuilt is not that strong because the dumpee will feel that he/she has to try really hard to not lose their SO again resulting in clingy-ness.

 

Personally, I'd rather have my ex come running back for any hope of reconciliation. I'll be able to say that that is what she wants for sure, and it is a decision that she made on her own.

[melell]

Yeah, this is exactly why it is so **** when dumpers want to be friends and say things like 'I am in love with you but I am trying not to be'. That is so hard on the dumpee.

 

Nc is obviously the best thing to do straight away, but it sounds like you need to come to that realization yourself. Just don't take to long.

[Romaks]

It's a pretty messed up thing to say to someone...like you're some parasite that they're trying to get rid of or something.

[JoelBarish]

The common factor was always both parties accepting it was over and moving on. Not holding onto hope for the future really seems to encourage people to better themselves. Moving on really does do wonders if there are strong compatibilities.

 

I mean of course there are cases where one person is in love with the other, while one isn't. The chances of two people like that reconciling are pretty much non existent. I really don't want my post to make people think that their ex might come back, because in most circumstances they wont.

 

If love remains between two people despite moving on then that's where it happens.

 

My best friend was with her once ex for 4 years. Things got really bad between them LOTS of fighting, they loved each other a lot, but the tension and arguing pushed him to the limit and he left (she was ready to walk away too). 1.5 years later both had completely moved on, grown and bettered themselves, they became friends again, took the chance to get back together and not make the same mistakes. They have been married 3 years now, and just had their first child.

 

Two people let go, moved on, healed, matured, learned lessons. They were in a better position to be together, and knew each others worth.

 

The initial love was always equally shared between them though. So someone getting bored or falling out of love wasn't the issue.

 

That right there is a healthy way to get back together. I believe you said its rare so as to not get peoples hopes up. Fair enough. I think with me it's just the opposite. I don't ever anticipate my ex coming back. That's just the vibe I've picked up the few times I have seen her since the break up. I thought we had a reasonably healthy relationship so I don't know what happened on her end. Either she has her own issues and that led to her acting that way or there is something about me that needs to be addressed so someday I might be one of the lucky ones that the woman wants to get back with as opposed to being the guy that women leave and never look back.

[Simon Phoenix]

That right there is a healthy way to get back together. I believe you said its rare so as to not get peoples hopes up. Fair enough. I think with me it's just the opposite. I don't ever anticipate my ex coming back. That's just the vibe I've picked up the few times I have seen her since the break up. I thought we had a reasonably healthy relationship so I don't know what happened on her end. Either she has her own issues and that led to her acting that way or there is something about me that needs to be addressed so someday I might be one of the lucky ones that the woman wants to get back with as opposed to being the guy that women leave and never look back.

 

That's a crappy way to look at it from your perspective, as you are still putting her on a pedestal with that mindset. You need to be confident no matter what happens with her and have the mindset that she'll be lucky if she tries to come back and you try to accept her back. You are placing her above yourself, which might be one of the reasons she dumped you in the first place. People hate that.

[JoelBarish]

I swear if I ever get even a hint of being dumped again I am going NC immediately.

[JoelBarish]

Simon I wasn't so outright negative before I was dumped. Maybe she picked up a bad vibe, who knows. I just know this is a reoccurring situation that I find myself in and something needs to change.

[melell]

Completely moving on is the only sane way regardless of the outcome. COMPLETELY

[lylat333]

I don't disagree that it's possible to win him/her back through being friends, but it seems that by choosing this avenue, the connection that is rebuilt is not that strong because the dumpee will feel that he/she has to try really hard to not lose their SO again resulting in clingy-ness.

 

Personally, I'd rather have my ex come running back for any hope of reconciliation.

 

I agree with you. I know there are "success" stories of remaining friends and eventually getting back into a relationship but I'm inclined to think the same would have happened (perhaps sooner) had NC been implemented.

 

The dumper still has to see the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence to come back. They don't wake up one day and decide to go back to the dumpee when there has been no change in dynamics from the time they left.

 

My last few visits w/ my massage therapist, there's been a lot of relationship talk. She's now like a part-time therapist! Anyway, she's shared stories of her own. She talked about a period of her life when she moved to Texas which was a few states away. She moved away from her bf at the time and really sowed her wild oats while in Texas. When she was fed up with that lifestyle, she said she came back to her ex. I asked whether or not her actions while away were an issue. She said not at all because "she knew he'd take her back." i.e. she said it with a negative connotation. This was before the days of the Internet... I'm sure they stayed in touch by phone and he probably made it clear he was pining for her the whole time she was away... partying a lot.

 

They even ended up getting married but then divorced. I don't want to be "that guy"... the guy who stuck around until she exhausted all her other options. Because the way I see it what's the dumper got to lose by continuing to play the field while you're their friend? Nothing. Best-case scenario is for the dumper to get start to see some brown in the grass and think, "oh ****, maybe I made a mistake!" Don't want to lose so and so!

 

The pedestal thing is a killer, too. It's weird how it can be a turnoff when someone is fawning over you... or it will at least go to your head which causes you to start taking the other person for granted.

Edited October 10, 2013 by lylat333

[organizedchaos]

 

The dumper still has to see the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence to come back. They don't wake up one day and decide to go back to the dumpee when there has been no change in dynamics from the time they left.

 

Exactly! Well said and something I finally came around to doing two weeks ago when I cut her final connection to me online. You must completely disappear from their lives in order for them to miss you and determine whether they really want to come back.

Edited October 10, 2013 by organizedchaos

[BC1980]

Completely moving on is the only sane way regardless of the outcome. COMPLETELY

 

I agree. Moving on is the way to go.

 

I also think that it's not so common to get back together because so many people don't go NC immediately and move on. They keep dipping in and out of each others lives because neither one has the courage to cut the contact completely. Also, so many dumpees make the mistake of begging or looking pathetic even when they don't know it.

 

I had no idea how pathetic I looked post breakup, and I didn't even beg. I thought that because I never begged for him back, that I was okay and looked good. Wrong. The fact that I didn't put my foot down and go NC made my situation so much worse for both of us.