Regaining Confidence PART 3

[SpiralOut]

I think I just made a breakthrough. Therefore it is time for part 3.

 

This is the post I just wrote for part 2. It makes more sense to put it here instead.

 

I've had it backwards. I've been trying to fit myself into the world instead of being me and finding who and what fits into MY little part of the world.

 

I've been trying to find myself and I got a glimpse of her. She's hiding. She doesn't trust me. She knows that I'll shoot her down. I'll make excuses and convince her why she should not do something. Everytime she tries to do something good for herself, I do everything I can to stop her. She's angry at me.

 

She tricks me into doing things without giving me a reason why. Lately I can't stop shopping for work appropriate clothes. I put together a list, shop carefully, and buy exactly the right thing without knowing why. I don't need these clothes for my line of work. I wear a uniform. I need more uniforms but I'm not buying any. Instead I buy blouses and black, closed-toe shoes. I ask myself why?

I get the response "You need to know how to dress that way. It needs to feel easy for you."

How come?

"In case I need them."

What would I need them for?

"In case I get a job somewhere else."

I ask her where I would work, and she doesn't respond.

 

Last night a bunch of ideas came out. Ideas for running my own business. I got excited and started researching. Something felt weird today, profoundly different.

Should I start my own company?

"Maybe."

Can I do it?

"Maybe. Try and sell a couple of things and see what happens."

Is this why I'll need workclothes? Is this the new job I'm supposed to have?

"Maybe."

 

I keep saying I don't feel like myself. It's because I'm not. I am, but I'm not. It's weird. This post probably sounds crazy. I am wondering at this point if I have a personality disorder. But it doesn't matter. This is the truth.

[SpiralOut]

Never mind. I don't feel so well after all. I want so badly to quit my job. I stayed up late last night applying to openings elsewhere. And then I went to my old job's website and saw that they are replacing the manager, which means I don't know if he is still there. I had planned to email him to see if they had any extra work I could help with. But it looks like he has either left already, or is leaving. I don't know if it would be stupid of me or not to email him anyway just to ask. It has been 3 years since I left.

 

I am worried I won't get hired elsewhere. I can't stay there anymore. My side projects are coming along so slowly there is no way I can start up my own business anytime soon. It will be anther year at least before I can pull in income doing what I love.

 

I feel like I am doomed to work low paid jobs forever. I see people who treated me badly getting ahead in every way: better jobs, getting married, etc. And look at me. I can't do anything. My only accomplishment has been to figure myself out better.

 

Honestly when I walked home tonight my first thought was that I want to kill myself. I am in debt and my rent is too expensive for me to just quit my job without finding a new one. I am starting to seriously consider finding someone to live with, except that might make me feel even more miserable. The sad thing is the only thing keeping me from killing myself I that I don't want to give my enemies that satisfaction of knowing their life is better than mine. I don't want them to pity me.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just quit tomorrow and stop being treated like **** by people who think they aren't doing anything wrong. I called someone criticial tonight, because she was criticizing me and she told me "no I'm not you are the one yelling." You don't need to yell at someone to criticize them!! And I'm yelling because i'm angry at the way she constantly talks to me like I am stupid! And when I finally tell her about it she denies it!! I don't understand why the hell I bother to stand up for myself at all. It accomplishes nothing!!

[SpiralOut]

Never mind my last outburst. I hate it when I can't do anything immediate to fix a problem. This is something that will take time, work, and patience. After complaining on here, I applied to another job, then I asked someone I know in the field if she knows of any openings. Then I went to the bookstore to buy a how-to book so I can look more seriously into doing freelance jobs on the side. I couldn't find it, but I mostly just went to clear my head.

 

I'm feeling better now. My situation still sucks but at least I don't feel completely helpless. I have an appointment tomorrow which should be interesting. I suspect that my upbringing wasn't normal. I am going to finally talk to a professional about it. I suspect that I was emotionally abused. I'm nervous to hear what she says.

[Mr Scorpio]

It will be anther year at least before I can pull in income doing what I love.

 

Imagine how awesome that will feel.

[SpiralOut]

My therapist thinks that my mother has a mental illness.

 

The way I was raised was unhealthy. If I imagine another child, somebody not me, going through that, it is heartbreaking.

 

No wonder I have low self-esteem. It is so low that I sabotage myself from doing things that would make me happy.

[SpiralOut]

I've been feeling more confident than usual this week. I told off that woman at work who bullies me. I did it in an assertive, professional way. I'm proud of myself.

 

Now I am worried because my medication has run out and I forgot to make an appointment with the doctor to get more. I might have one more month worth at the pharmacy so I'll go tomorrow to check. I'm worried I might go back to thinking paranoid thoughts again if I go too long without them.

 

I went back to yoga this week after a month of stopping. My stress levels went up once I stopped. Going back to class gave me a huge adrenaline rush. Now I appreciate how important it is. It needs to be a part of my life.

 

Something about my last counselling session released me. I was holding myself responsible for things that weren't my fault as a child. I was bullied by my own mother, for as long as I can remember. It was validating to hear someone in real life say that my mother was an unwell woman who treated me wrong. And my father didn't stand up for me as much as he should have. He enabled her. I can't remember either one of them ever approaching me to ask me how if I was okay, or to ask me why I was angry, or to ask me what was wrong. It never mattered to them.

 

I was hardly given a fair chance, right from the very start. No wonder people pick on me and I feel withdrawn and shy and anxious and have low self-esteem. It's not my fault. It's sad. It's unfortunate. But I'm not as pathetic as I thought I was. It's not my fault. I am trying my hardest and doing the best that I can with what I've got. it's not my fault that I was taught to have unhealthy boundaries, that nobody stood up for me and that I was taught that I don't deserve to stand up for myself. What terrible lessons my parents taught me. Then I went off into the world without them and practically drowned, meeting all sorts of "friends" who put me down. Then the decent people who liked me, I couldn't believe they would like someone like me so I pushed them away.

 

I deserve to feel sorry for myself. I was treated wrong and it damaged me. This isn't all my fault. I have tried the best I can to improve myself and undo the damage and admit my mistakes. And so what if I look pathetic to others? Things don't need to stay this way. I'm not a victim anymore. I can heal myself and change my life. Maybe the very fact that I try so hard does not make me pathetic, but brave. I am brave and determined.

Edited October 5, 2013 by SpiralOut

[FitChick]

Glad you feel better. I just put this list of anti-anxiety foods on my fridge to remind myself to start buying more of them again. I've slacked of and feel like crap. I bookmarked Dr Eric Braverman's website and mean to read it for more details.

 

I am more and more convinced that psych drugs make you worse over time and were never meant to be a long term solution but only a short term fix. The sooner you can get off them the better. But some of them you cannot quit cold turkey. Makes me think BigPharma did that on purpose. Lots of money to be made.

[SpiralOut]

I just bookmarked the list. Thanks! I eat many of those foods already, just not very often, so I'll probably try to increase them. I've been wanting to add more nuts to meals anyway. Also I keep meaning to learn to make yogurt from non-dairy milk, like maybe almond milk or coconut milk. And I want to buy B-complex vitamins since those are supposed to help with stabilizing moods.

 

I've joined two women's fitness groups in order to a) make more women friends and b) keep active over the winter. I need that extra motivation to get outside when it's snowing. Exercise makes a huge difference in my mood.

 

I agree drugs aren't a long-term answer, not for all people anyway. They are crutches we can use if we break a leg.

[happydate]

Drugs are definitely not a long term solution to any illnesses, but some people have to take them for life. I don't think it's a Big Pharma conspiracy either. It's unfortunate, but it's life when it comes to making money.

 

Having said that, drugs and spiritual tools (prayers, meditation, etc) are used effectively to gain a temporary reprieve from the illness you are suffering so you can have a window of freedom to fix whatever you need to be fixed.

It's difficult to fix yourself if you are in pain! So there is nothing wrong to take medication in the attempt to heal yourself. I used to depend on medication (Prozac & Helium) and I was a mess. Like SpiralOut, it was parents influence to a certain extent. Rather laying blame on my parents, I healed with them through a therapist. Only by healing you can move forward with your parents and yourself. But I couldn't do that without drugs and EFT treatment. I no longer take drugs today and solely rely upon my spiritual belief in God and Eastern meditation and energy healing to keep my evil doers at bay and it has worked! I completely understand what SpiralOut is coping right now as I had been through that. You do need an obscene amount of free will to fight to survive and you will not fail as long as you keep dreaming that your dream will come true.

 

Perhaps it is not too late to ask God for help. I once refused his help. When I accepted his help because I had no where else to turn, he came and helped me. It was a slow to molasses turn around, but today is a great day.

 

Be strong and be positive and some day things will become better.

 

Blessings.

[SpiralOut]

I feel less angry than usual. I am supposed to go home next weekend and don't know if I want to anymore. I don't feel angry or scared like I normally do. Instead I feel tired. I feel tired and sad when I think about dealing with her.

 

I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother.

 

I realized I don't want to see her when I saw my aunt this week. My aunt is more of a mother than my actual mother is. With her, I feel like she actually gives a damn about my feelngs.

[SpiralOut]

I have been treating myself the same way my parents did. If I feel sad or lonely, I tell myself to shut up. If I feel angry, sometimes I will shove it down. Anger is the emotion I've been trying to let myself feel, except that I've been feeling guilty and ashamed of myself for it. So then I become angry that I can't even feel okay about being angry.

 

Sometimes I will want to do something but I'll tell myself stupid excuses, like how I am too tired and I should stay home and rest instead. My mother used to do that with me, tell me that I was too tired to go out with my friends even though I was healthy and athletic and energetic.

 

With friends and boyfriends, sometimes I pick people who treat me with the same Dr Jeckal and Mr Hyde personality, acting nice to me one minute, belittling me the next. Boyfriends would act nice at first and then stop caring how I felt. Even if I confronted them in an assertive way, they would ignore me and just not care or give me a real apology. Instead of leaving them I would stick around and try to make them love me. I guess I was just used to putting up with bad behaviour. Leaving didn't seem like an option.

 

And as for sex, my feelings are very mixed up about that. I understand intellectually there is nothing wrong with it, but it almost always felt dirty or wrong when I was with someone. Like I was doing something I wasn't supposed to do. Only in the past year has it begun to feel like a normal thing to do.

 

Instead of feeling angry about all of this I feel sad. I feel sad that I went through all of this and that it took me this long to figure out what was wrong. I feel like I was robbed of a normal young-adulthood. Who knows how I might have turned out, had my self-esteem not been shattered so early in life. Maybe I would have more friends right now.

 

Also I have been looking down on people who can't control their feelings. I see emotional people are being annoying, immature, sometimes even pathetic. This is especially true when I see someone trying way too hard to be friends with someone. It makes me think they are stupid. Now I see that I felt this way because of how I felt about myself. I felt that only certain emotions were acceptable, and when I saw others acting out those "unacceptable" emotions it disgusted me. I thought they should feel embarrassed and ashamed of themselves. In certain situations, like in the workplace, this is true that people should keep emotions in check. But for the most part, maybe it's not so horrible.

 

On a positive note, I went to a meetup group today. I knew two of the girls there. I know I came across as anxious, but when I caught myself saying something a bit odd I would make a joke to make them laugh and save the situation from being awkward. These girls seem really nice. I think some of them might become friends, in time.

 

.

Edited October 7, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

One thing that still makes me feel bad is when people take things out on me. I still sometimes wonder if there is something about me that makes them want to do it.

 

For example, my one good friend said something very rude to me last month. It is unusual for her to do that. I can't think of anything I would have said wrong to her to deserve it. She first told me that her boyfriend was worried that I would think he's a snob. When I asked why she said "I don't know." Then ten minutes later she is telling me that her boyfriend told her that I am "a technician, so she must not make very much money." She told him that she doesn't think I do.

 

She TOLD ME that he said this. What the hell? She knows damn well I don't make much money. It's not something I keep a secret. So why would she say that? She wasn't asking to know if it's true or not. I think she said that in order to make a dig at me, like "hey just so you know, I know that you are poor because my boyfriend says so. Oh and by the way he is worried you will think he's snobby but I don't know why."

 

WHATEVER!! I am so mad at myself for not telling her off right then and there. I stayed calm because I didn't want her to think that she had gotten to me, but honestly it pissed me off and I am still angry about it. I don't know if I should bring it up with her or not. She's been really stressed out lately and has been acting inappropriately with a married man. They aren't having an affair (that I know of) but I know she saw him again after they had supposedly stopped talking.

 

I feel like I am a target for unhappy people. They see me as someone worse than them so they say whatever they want to me to make themselves feel better. Somehow in their eyes they don't see me as worthy of respect. I don't know why not, since they are obviously not happy themselves. I have accomplished so much over the years. It may not show in my career (which sucks) or my love life (which doesn't exist) or my social life (also sucks) but at least my attitude is improving and I am learning how to feel like me again. I have overcome the worst of my social anxiety and finally admitted some of my problems that I still need to work on. I have made tremendous personal growth. Isn't that what matters more than anything? Having inner peace? IMO, it doesn't matter what people or things I "have" if I am too negative to appreciate any of it. Isn't that what life is about? Personal growth? I would rather die knowing that I found peace with myself, instead of being like wow I'm so glad that I bought a nice car.

[SpiralOut]

Okay so I guess I was wrong about not being angry anymore, because look at how angry my last post was.

 

I just found another board that is focused on emotional abuse. I'll still come here sometimes but right now I need to talk about what happened to me. I have another appointment with my therapist coming up but until then I need a way to blow off steam. Maybe I should start writing in my journal again.

 

This has been a hard time for me. Admitting the truth of my family. Trying to start a completely new social circle even though I have social anxiety. Going on medication and applying for sick leave. Wanting to kill myself sometimes.

 

I haven't given up so far, so I can't give up now.

[SpiralOut]

I deactivated FB tonight. It does nothing for me, unless making me feel jealous and angry counts as doing something.

 

I am finding it easier to believe that I might be likeable. It always confused me before if someone liked me. Now, I can sort of see why they might. I want to stop acting surprised or suspicious when I am complimented or if someone tries to get to know me. I want to reach a point where it feels natural.

 

I've been switched into a new position at work. The hours are ****ty, but I don't plan to stay at this company for much longer so oh well. This will get me away from that woman who bullies me. She is horrible to be around. She bullies the other girl too. I might report her on it, haven't decided yet. I am upset that I can't attend as many social events anymore, since I am feeling a connection to some of those people. I will just have to go when I can, and hope for a better job to come up soon. Having bad hours is still better than being around that miserable person and being her punching bag. I cannot progress if I allow myself to be in that type of environment.

 

One more thing: I know where my anxiety comes from now. It comes from feelings that come up, which I then try to suppress. I sometimes am online too long or watch too many TV shows in an effort to avoid my feelings. When I ignore my feelings like that, I am hurting myself. I have now started to pray when the anxiety shows up. The feelings need to come out.

 

I have felt strangely more grounded in myself this past week.

[SpiralOut]

I think I am lonelier than I care to admit. For a while I was happy to be away from people who treated me badly. Then I didn't trust anyone enough to let them get close. I was too scared they would attack me or betray my trust in some way. I wanted to be alone. Now I feel sad about not having anyone. I think I can make good judgements about who to trust now. It did me good to cut out or limit those who put me down, but it's not enough to just cut out the bad. I need good people to take their place. Even though I enjoy solitude, I still need at least a couple of good friends, ones who actually live nearby, that I can call at the end of the day.

 

I've been feeling sad and low in energy all weekend. It's weird, because I've got a bunch of aquaintances that I think could become friends. I see a lot of hope for myself. So why can't I pull myself out of this funk?

Edited October 14, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I have fixed things with two friends. So that's a relief.

 

I have reported a difficult coworker to management. I hope it doesn't backfire on me, since I am the one who lost my temper. Basically she doesn't care, doesn't communicate, and makes my life hell. I am fed up with her horrible attitude. I cannot work with someone who acts that way. She is also rude to me and asks me to do things that are not my job. I'm sick of it.

 

I am starting to see how low my self=esteem is. I mean I can see how it comes out of my mouth when I talk. I think it is worse than it has been in years. I keep saying I feel better than I have in years, and that's true because I am learning to be authentic. So I don't understand how I can feel better about myself while still hating myself. It doesn't make much sense.

 

I have had three therapist appointments. Doing that has helped me to identify certain parts of me.

 

Not sure what else to report. I'm not feeling very good this week. I feel exhausted.

[SpiralOut]

The one friend turned out to not be a friend at all. Oh well at least that's over with. I finally got closure.

 

My main struggle right now is feeling patronized by people. Not everyone does but a few do and it gets to me. I often wonder if I am being too sensitive or if I am acting normal and people are treating me like I'm too sensitive so they don't have to admit to being jerks.

[SpiralOut]

I have good news for once!

 

I am now a meetup leader. The main organizer agreed to put me in charge of a subgroup after I volunteered to do so. It is something I've wanted for a while and couldn't find, so I took charge. I can make it fit my schedule and I think people will be excited about it. I'm really nervous but I'm excited.

 

I am also in charge of an event this weekend. It's not AS big a deal, since this is a one time thing for this group, but I'm still proud of myself. I have social anxiety and I'm making myself a leader of groups. I hope I don't have a heart attack in front of everyone!

 

When I first joined that site over 5 years ago, I was too scared to attend any meetings. Now I've tried out at least 6 different groups and I will be leading events. I'm proud of myself.

Edited October 29, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I know what part of my problem is. I can't move forward because there is a part of me who is angry. She has gone on strike. She doesn't want to do any more work because she doesn't see the point. She has worked very hard to put me through school twice and I'm not doing anything with it. Why should she do even more for me?

 

She won't do anything more until I do something with what I have. I need to show myself that my hard work so far has not been for nothing. A part of me is also afraid that whatever new big project I take on will be a big waste of my time again. I don't trust myself.

[SpiralOut]

I am reading Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. I feel hugely validated. It's like I've been waiting my whole life for someone to explain these things to me and let me know I'm not a bad person. I sabotage myself because of negative beliefs that were passed to me when I was a child. It has affected my ability to function as a person. I also feel very helpless and needy much of the time because I never got what I truly needed from my mother and I never learned how to fill the void.

 

It has been a long time since I've felt this calm. I still need to finish the last chapter and follow the instructions for recovery.

[SpiralOut]

For some reason I am now motivated enough at the end of the day to do things that need to be done. Usually it is a huge hassle to do any cleaning or cooking. Normally I heat up a frozen pizza and let dishes pile up. This week I've gone crazy with cleaning and have cooked real meals for myself at night. Instead of feeling exhausted by it (like I normally do) I feel good about it.

 

I wake up easily in the morning. When I wake up I feel calm instead of anxious.

 

Last month I had trouble reading. I am now able to read every day after work for an hour. My concentration is getting better again. I can plan my meals ahead of time. It's been maybe a year or more since I've done that.

 

This can be partly attributed to being on medication, but I think some of it comes from the internal work I've been doing. I was taught as a child to suppress any negative feelings I had. As a result I have many unresolved issues floating around in the back of my head. Slowly confronting them feels like taking control of myself again.

 

There used to be this pervasive feeling of "I can't do this" and "that's too much for me." Those thoughts are mostly gone.

 

I still procrastinate doing certain important things. However, I feel good about the progress I'm making. I should be able to tackle the bigger stuff now.

[SpiralOut]

I think this entire thread (and the others before it) have been about increasing my self-awareness. At some point, I became cut off from myself and stopped seeing clearly. I ignored myself for years. Then, I became self-absorbed as I tried to make up for lost time, giving myself what I wanted and needed. I felt scared that I would not be a good friend or girlfriend to anyone until I fixed myself.

 

I am still not fixed, but I'm capable of making new friendships. I'm much better at giving myself what I need, which means I won't try to take too much from others.

 

There are still some things I need to figure out. All I know is that I am meant to be in a position of leadership - if not in my paid job, then in my personal life.

 

Part of accepting myself means accepting the child part of me. I've been rejecting her for years. Hating her, not wanting anything to do with her even though she is me.

[SpiralOut]

Something happened last night to show I made progress. A woman I met reacted badly to me and it didn't bother me as much as it normally would. Most people I meet either

a) like me, or

b) show indifference

 

Every now and then there will be someone (almost always a woman) who feels the urge to laugh in my face or insult me in some way. Last night, this woman acted weird to me. I said something perfectly normal that lots of other people say and she interrupted me, started laughing, and made a weird comment that was obviously not meant as a compliment. I did not feel belittled by it. Instead, I saw her as an insecure woman blurting things out without knowing how rude she was being. I humoured her by giving a polite smile, saying "mmm yes. anyway," then kept talking to the other girls. Later on, I caught her looking at me weird even though I wasn't doing anything wrong. I just ignored it.

 

I feel like a bitch saying this, but it amused me. It felt good to stay calm and emotionally detached while someone made a fool of herself.

[SpiralOut]

On some level I feel unworthy of friendship or love. I get angry at others around me who have what I want - not everyone, just the people I feel don't deserve it. For example if someone is a really mean person, but they have a husband and a house and a family, it deeply angers me. They bully other people, so as a reward they get to have good things in their life. Oh yes that seems so fair. On the other hand - and yes, I know this is a backwards compliment - maybe I could take hope from these people. If they can do it, then I can too, can't I? Maybe they are proof that nobody needs to be perfect in order to find happiness for themselves.

 

 

I don't think there's much for me to do but keep doing what I'm doing and wait for the payoff. I am looking for other ways to manage my stress, like maybe a gym membership.

Edited November 30, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I am updating this only because I am feeling much better (for now). I've got something happening almost every weekend for the next month. I still haven't made any close female friends, but I think that will happen in the new year. There are two groups that are working for me. At least I get out and do things with people.

 

 

I'm also kinda seeing someone. I don't know if it will last long-term, but I'm having fun with it.