Regaining Confidence PART 3

[SpiralOut]

I am no longer seeing that guy. It sure didn't last long. I knew I had issues from my dating past, but didn't realize it would affect me so strongly. I scared this guy away when I freaked out too much over little things. He wasn't even doing anything wrong, but certain things reminded me of the past and I panicked. I am so scared of being treated badly again that I overreact. I explained to him that I've had bad experiences, but he doesn't get it. He doesn't want to deal with it, which is fine.

 

 

Instead of talking him into seeing me again (which I probably could have), I told him we should stop seeing each other. I deserve to be with someone who is understanding and doesn't feel annoyed by me. So it hurt and I'm disappointed, but I'm okay.

 

 

This is a good step for me. I'm getting better at letting go of people. A few years ago, I might have clung to him and begged him to give me another chance. I don't do that anymore.

[SpiralOut]

Improvements so far

 

 

- don't react as much to rude comments. Instead of getting angry, I stay calm and give myself time to assess the situation. Instead of believing I did something wrong, or that the other person is maybe just an *******, I consider how things may have been misinterpreted. When I respond, I watch the tone of my voice.

 

 

- choosing more compatible men to date. my judgement is improving.

 

 

- catching my negative thoughts more easily. I used to believe all the excuses I made to myself. Now, I catch myself making them and admit that I am procrastinating something. Then, I ask myself why.

 

 

- can handle my negative emotions a bit better. When I feel crappy, I tell myself this is just something I'm feeling for the moment. My life isn't really total crap, I'm not doomed to be lonely forever, or anything like that. I just feel that way. It's normal to sometimes feel bad, and the bad feelings will pass.

Edited December 14, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I haven't re-read my thread, so some of this might be rehashing...

 

- main improvement is that I can feel a sense of purpose forming. All of these random, separate things I've been doing have a common purpose.

 

- I feel more in touch with myself as I recognize different parts from different time periods. They share the same body but don't talk to each other. I've tried to hold my current situation separate and apart from my past, but that's hurting me. I need to be in touch with who I used to be, what I used to feel. My older selves have knowledge that I have forgotten.

 

- I still struggle with relationships with others. I think part of this is my fear of being attacked and the way I interpret things as criticism. I've been bullied so much at work for the past 3 years that it has affected me.

 

- When someone bullies me I can see them more clearly. I see a child in an adults body taking things out on me. It's still hard to deal with but at least I don't feel so afraid anymore. I'm getting better at talking back.

 

- I'm using my blog as an outlet more often than before. This helps me to get the positive attention that I need while working on my portfolio.

 

TOOLS I FIND HELPFUL

 

For anyone who wants to know, I've been using crystal healing, yoga, reading, and art to help myself. At the center of it all is the idea of chakras and finding ways to balance out damaged or weakened chakras. I carry an aqua aura crystal in my coat pocket to remind myself of who I really am, to not allow others to define who I am.

Edited December 29, 2013 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I need to accept that I will have haters. I've met haters before. I either ignored them or avoided social situations where I thought they may be. I even got in a habit of downplaying myself and my achievements. It's good to be humble, but I went too far with it by making myself smaller than I actually am. I did that to protect myself. It probably held some of the hate at bay, but there were still those who attacked me.

 

 

I think I'm partly fearful of moving forward because it means that others will try to "level" me. Being myself and expressing myself for who I am gives others ammo to use against me. They will hate me and not want me to achieve my goals. They will tell me my dreams and stupid, that I'm stupid, that I don't know anything, blah blah blah. I'm especially at risk of criticism for my career goals, as many people are unable to accept "writing" as an acceptable career option. They immediately think it is dumb, even though they aren't making much money or getting anywhere with what they themselves are doing.

 

 

I'm getting better at not taking criticism personally. Standing up for myself is still hard. Still, I've improved and I'll continue to improve. I don't care as much about embarrassing people or hurting people's feelings when I stand up for myself. If they don't like me telling them to F off, then maybe they shouldn't have bothered me in the first place.

 

 

Don't know if this is good or not, but whenever someone insults me, it gives me the urge to do my hair up nicely, put on some makeup and earrings, dress a bit more nicely than usual and just rub it in their face that I'm hot. Yes, that sounds conceited but I'm slim and I'm not hard to look at. Enough people compliment me on my appearance that I know it's true.

 

 

Oh, and the only people who give me a hard time right now are older women, the ones who are married with children and keep putting themselves on diets. Men have no problem with me, and girls my age or younger are fine with me. Okay, the occasional girl my age will be a bitch to me BUT most are fine.

[SpiralOut]

Common theme of this thread: fear of being attacked by others.

 

 

I need to stop thinking of it as an "attack" and instead look at it as an emotional outburst that has very little to do with me. Sometimes they don't mean to be rude on purpose.

 

 

Other times they might deliberately try to hurt me. I believe it is best for me to see it as a cry for help. They don't know what else to do. They cannot manage their emotions. They see no other way. When they try to hurt me, they do it because they CARE about what I think. If they didn't care, they wouldn't even bother to do that. Sooo even if they are being malicious, it is still about THEM and how they are feeling, and what they NEED from me to feel better. It is best if I don't give them what they need. They can go find their fix somewhere else.

 

 

I feel proud of myself for not being as reactive as I used to be. I am even careful to keep my face straight.

Edited January 19, 2014 by SpiralOut