Bluebelle38 Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I really feel for you. You will always be second best in his eyes. The only reason you NEED a text every day is so that you know he still cares. Can you see how desperately sad that is? A daily text message to make you feel wanted. That is horrifically tragic. It has been 2 years and he hasn't left his wife. You are making a fool of yourself allowing this man to control your life and emotions. Get out of this misery. He is a liar and a user that you will never truly trust. Expect more for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CelticHeart Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 I know. In the beginning it felt like more of a relationship, which is what I wanted. I believe a combination of him not wanting to "lead me on" coupled with his guilt is what started the progression to what it has become. Obviously I find it difficult to accept that. It hurts and I feel disregarded. As for my husband, I caught him kissing my former BFF and that was the end of our marriage. It wasn't his first time cheating and this was the point of no return. He drinks a lot, is narcissistic, and is verbally and mentally abusive, (and I believe he has psychological issues), so the marriage wasn't good anyway. We lead pretty separate lives. He doesn't do family things with us although occasionally we go out to dinner as a family. We do talk and watch tv in the same room and I am expected to make dinner most of the time. If you met him and talked to him in passing you would think he's a great guy. If he found out about the A I don't think he would care for the most part. The only thing that might piss him off is that I'm having sex with someone else and I won't have it with him. Link to post Share on other sites
legalgirl Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Create your own happiness. Don't depend on him to give you self worth. Unfortunately, as much as we want it to be a "normal relationship" it never will be. I used to feel the same way. But unfortunately these MM have no real obligations to us. Being the OW you will never be the priority as hard as that is to understand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CelticHeart Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 I think I want that communication not only because that's how it used to be but because I feel like he should make time for me because I know he makes time for his wife and that pisses me off sometimes. But she's he's wife and I'm not. I'm not privvy to his life like she is and never will be. I made a horrible mistake in thinking I meant more to him than I actually do. I guess when someone is talking to you for hours on end and confiding things to you that he hadn't told his wife and telling you all the minute details of his day, etc., (which is how it was when we started), coupled with the physical side, it could make it feel like he actually had "feelings". It did for me. I was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
legalgirl Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I completely understand! But don't beat yourself up. It's natural to be wanted as much as you want the other person. That is just human nature!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CelticHeart Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 He texted me yesterday and I spoke to him briefly today. The reason he said we are not well matched in what we want is because I want an emotional attachment, a significant other and he has that. However, about a year into our A, probably around the time he stated he loves and is in love with his wife, I asked him why he was doing it and one of the reasons he gave me was because you meet all the mental, emotional, spiritual requirements (i like your company). Ok. I guess I read that the wrong way, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CelticHeart Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 In his defense, he has told me that I should go find someone who is available and can give me what I want because I deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CelticHeart Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 Thank you, Pierre. That actually gave me quite a laugh! I don't think he is using reverse psychology on me. I believe he would be quite happy for me if I found someone who could give me what I want and deserve. He is not a jealous person. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Thank you, Pierre. That actually gave me quite a laugh! I don't think he is using reverse psychology on me. I believe he would be quite happy for me if I found someone who could give me what I want and deserve. He is not a jealous person. You're right... He's being honest. He doesn't want you anymore - but you aren't accepting it and understanding it's ended. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CelticHeart Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 I will accept it if he wants it to end. When we stop sleeping together we will still plan on being friends. I know, I know, that can never work. I guess we will see what happens. We are supposed to talk later. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I will accept it if he wants it to end. When we stop sleeping together we will still plan on being friends. I know, I know, that can never work. I guess we will see what happens. We are supposed to talk later. What is your boundary? You planning to take his crumbs and allowing him to keep using you? Or do you plan to get a healthy boundary and state clearly "no more, this isn't working for me"? How he uses you or not is completely ONLY up to YOU! How can you find a man that treats you with honor and respect while holding on to a man that disrespects you on every level? Why allow him to treat you with that disrespect? Why don't you think you deserve better than the crap he tosses your way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CelticHeart Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 What is your boundary? You planning to take his crumbs and allowing him to keep using you? Or do you plan to get a healthy boundary and state clearly "no more, this isn't working for me"? How he uses you or not is completely ONLY up to YOU! How can you find a man that treats you with honor and respect while holding on to a man that disrespects you on every level? Why allow him to treat you with that disrespect? Why don't you think you deserve better than the crap he tosses your way? I do think I deserve better, that's why I told him how I feel about the way he treats me and I know it's my fault because I allowed it. The problem is, as stupid as it sounds, I have feelings for him. If I didn't, I would not be posting here right now, this would have been over. And even though it doesn't sound like it, he really is a good person. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 You want to continue feeling used? Just go ahead and keep communicating with him. You want to honor and respect yourself knowing you deserve better than what he offers (now!) - then NEVER communicate with him again! It IS up to YOU! You've trained him to treat you poorly! You want it better? It's up to YOU to end it! Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 In his defense, he has told me that I should go find someone who is available and can give me what I want because I deserve better. oh how noble and sweet of him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KentuckyGent Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 And even though it doesn't sound like it, he really is a good person. Yep sounds like a real peach! I'm an OM and have fault for getting involved as do you, but he's not a great guy. He's a liar, a cheat, a manipulator, a user. He gets what he needs from you, e.g. you are his plaything. When he gets tired of playing, back on the shelf you go. I've lived it, he's no good for you but I know it isn't easy. It's a crack high and you're the junkie. These stories, for the most part and including my own, are all the same. Just the names are changed. More OW than OM, but again no matter, the stories all play out the same way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I wouldn't waste one more ounce of energy on him. You are in the lower part of the batting order on his priority list, while he is first or second on yours. You need the courage and self esteem to look yourself in the mirror and convince yourself you deserve better. You do sound needy. You are recreational amusement for him. He is a necessity to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunshinegrl Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 They are both married and are both cake eating (what they both decided on to begin with). There was never any false presumtions from him of love. Problem is, she fell in love. Now, she is trying to change the rules. She wants more affection than he is showing/willing to give. Sorry, but it's not his fault for sticking to the arrangement. He is simply riding the train until it stops. Either she realizes this and accepts it, or she moves on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 Why don't you tell his wife you've been intimate with him - then you will see "what a great guy" he really is when faced with his own truth. Tell your H too, while you're at it. Your words to him are desperate and needy. He's told you it's not working for him anymore. Your expectations are now misaligned - you are a risk to his M because you want more and he doesn't intend to deliver what you need. Why not tell your H what your needs are? That would be more appropriate considering you're married! Either way, stop handing the MM all YOUR power. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CelticHeart Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 Maybe in the beginning he told me what I wanted to hear. Maybe I misinterpreted. I thought he had feelings for me other than in his groin. I was wrong. Lisa, yes to the friends with bennies, but he never said that in the beginning, there were no rules established or arrangement made. He told me today there was no emotional connection. I don't "want more" from him, just want it as it started. It's not going to happen. I get it. I wouldn't tell his wife. I don't want him to leave her. I don't think he would throw me under the bus but from what I've read, it seems most AP do when discovered, so he might. I don't plan on finding out. My marriage is over, we live together for financial reasons. I would like to thank everyone for taking the time to give me their insight. Now this needy, pathetic, clingy loser is going to sign off for now, this has been quite an experience. Thank you again for your time. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 My hope for you is that you make healthier choices for yourself in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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