Letting go...

[Inflikted]

Some people may have heard my stories in previous posts. As a guy who's 24 and has never even been on a date, I don't find very many girls I like enough to want to pursue in that kind of way, which is frustrating in and of itself. And when I do find a girl I like, well... Such is what I'm currently struggling with.

 

Last year, I started hitting it off extremely well with this girl I work with. It was fun, flirty, and I felt like I was doing everything right while pursuing her, then I asked her out, and she turned me down. That bummed me out, but then I learned from someone else that this girl had previously dated another coworker that I always hated; he's a sleazy womanizing "player" type that always pushed me around, and he apparently cheated on this girl when they were together. It made me feel even worse to find this out, because I couldn't believe she'd date a guy like him, but couldn't be attracted to a guy like me.

 

Then, a few months later, she had started dating another male coworker (actually former coworker; he was gone by the time they started dating) that I also always hated for similar reasons as the last guy, except he wasn't as much of a womanizing sleaze (but he still always rubbed me the wrong way). She and this guy dated for about eight months, and oddly enough, he also ended up cheating on her.

 

It's kinda funny, because when she broke up with ex #2 a few months ago, she started being a bit nicer to me than she had been while she was with him. At the same time, I've never liked anyone as much as I like this girl, and those feelings are hard to get rid of, especially when A) I see her regularly, and B) I don't meet girls often enough to find someone else any time soon. So, my lingering feelings have started to act up again.

 

Now, I'm not still "pursuing" this girl, nor do I have any false hopes that something could still work out between me and her. I'm just trying to deal with these feelings as best I can. One major "stress factor", though, is that ex #1 is still sort of in the picture, and he and this girl are constantly hanging on each other at work and acting very flirtatious. I don't know if there's anything going on between them again, or what, and I guess I don't WANT to know, but I notice it all the time, and I just can't help getting super jealous. I try not to pay attention, I try not to "see it", but I always do, and it just gets under my skin. I find myself wondering what they're talking about, what's going on, if they're actually "doing things" together, all of that, and I hate myself for it.

 

I just really don't know what to do. I wish I could make all these thoughts and feelings go away, but it's just so hard when I have to keep seeing these two all the time. It bothers me enough as it is that she was attracted to guys like that in the first place instead of me, but it bothers me too that she could be so chummy with a sleazy guy that cheated on her, yet me, a guy that simply had feelings for her and asked her out, she's not as comfortable around. I know it's none of my business, and I respect that. Like I said, I'm not actually doing anything, as far as making advances or anything like that.

 

I'm just tired of thinking about her and him and all of this, I'm tired of feeling this way, and I'm tired of driving myself crazy... v_v

[Polak]

I don't know if there's anything going on between them again, or what, and I guess I don't WANT to know, but I notice it all the time, and I just can't help getting super jealous. I try not to pay attention, I try not to "see it", but I always do, and it just gets under my skin. I find myself wondering what they're talking about, what's going on, if they're actually "doing things" together, all of that, and I hate myself for it.

 

First off, you gotta let go of this stuff. As stupid as it sounds for me to simply say "don't think about it", force yourself not to. It provides no benefits whatsoever for you to ponder these things. If you can listen to music at work, stick some headphones in your ears and shut out all the useless stuff going on around you.

 

I am also not one to actively "want to" enter the dating scene, but there's something that's stuck with me whenever I consider getting into it...(and this is collected from months of researching online, reading forums, asking people for personal advice, etc.).... it goes something like "If you actively pursue a relationship, it won't happen. As soon as you couldn't care less whether or not you have somebody and you are 100% satisfied with being single, compatible females will appear out of nowhere". That's because women don't like desperate men. Technically, you can call men desperate if they keep looking for some kind of relationship unceasingly. On the other hand, if you are single and completely happy with yourself, a woman is attracted to your self-satisfaction and confidence. I feel like you are taking it upon yourself a bit too hard to find someone to love and hold. Don't get me wrong, we all want that and need that, but sometimes the priority level in which we put it is way too high.

 

So taking a different approach, do you have a hobby? No doubt you do. See if you can find a group that involves your hobby (example: some kind of sport) and join it. It can be anything, but the fact that you will be interacting with people with similar interests will be a start. And of course there will be no need for cold approaches here because everyone already has one thing in common. Don't think of starting a relationship.... instead, just be in the group for the sake of increasing your interest levels in the hobby, making friends, and overall making yourself happier. The happier you get, the less you will notice your "need" to date someone. Eventually someone will pop up. Until then, you deserve to be happy and have some fun.

 

Of course joining a group is just one option, but I leave it there for now! There are plenty more ideas to take advantage of.

[Inflikted]

First off, you gotta let go of this stuff. As stupid as it sounds for me to simply say "don't think about it", force yourself not to. It provides no benefits whatsoever for you to ponder these things. If you can listen to music at work, stick some headphones in your ears and shut out all the useless stuff going on around you.

 

Well, music isn't an option, as it's a retail job, so we have to be mindful of customers and our coworkers. I've been trying hard to stop paying attention, I just... haven't been successful at it. I mean, it's a pretty small store. I can generally tell when they're off somewhere together, laughing, flirting, doing whatever. I dunno. I just can't seem to get off of the idea that she's into guys like that, and not someone like me.

 

I am also not one to actively "want to" enter the dating scene, but there's something that's stuck with me whenever I consider getting into it...(and this is collected from months of researching online, reading forums, asking people for personal advice, etc.).... it goes something like "If you actively pursue a relationship, it won't happen. As soon as you couldn't care less whether or not you have somebody and you are 100% satisfied with being single, compatible females will appear out of nowhere". That's because women don't like desperate men. Technically, you can call men desperate if they keep looking for some kind of relationship unceasingly. On the other hand, if you are single and completely happy with yourself, a woman is attracted to your self-satisfaction and confidence. I feel like you are taking it upon yourself a bit too hard to find someone to love and hold. Don't get me wrong, we all want that and need that, but sometimes the priority level in which we put it is way too high.

 

Sure, but there's two trains of thought there, isn't there? Some will say "You won't find someone if you're looking too hard", others say "You won't find someone if you're not actively looking for them". Either way, it's "my fault", because I'm either looking too hard or not looking hard enough, depending on who you ask.

 

Thing is, for at least 2-3 years prior to meeting this girl, I was basically living how you described. I wasn't looking for anyone to date (technically, I had already given up on the idea of ever finding someone), I was just kind of rolling along, and letting life take me wherever. Generally speaking, I've been content with who I am as a person for a while, now. When I started hitting it off with this girl, I thought this was that "moment", that whole "You find someone when you least expect it" thing, because I wasn't expecting it, at all. There she was, we hit it off so well, everything seemed great. I wasn't being "clingy", "needy", or "desperate", I was just partaking in our flirty little exchanges and having fun with her, then I asked her out.

 

Now, admittedly, after she rejected me, I did spiral out a bit, and that's when I started feeling extra "clingy" and "desperate". But again, that didn't happen until after she rejected me. I just haven't been able to properly "recover" from this downward spiral. This whole experience has made me realize how lonely I am, and how much I'm missing out on. I'm just tired of "waiting" and "holding out hope". All for what? To *maybe* find another girl five or so years from now, and probably get rejected by her, too? I just wish I could have a "normal" love life. I don't understand why I can't just date and have relationships like everyone else does. No, I'm the guy that finds a tiny handful of girls I actually like, and gets rejected by every single one of them.

 

So taking a different approach, do you have a hobby? No doubt you do. See if you can find a group that involves your hobby (example: some kind of sport) and join it. It can be anything, but the fact that you will be interacting with people with similar interests will be a start. And of course there will be no need for cold approaches here because everyone already has one thing in common. Don't think of starting a relationship.... instead, just be in the group for the sake of increasing your interest levels in the hobby, making friends, and overall making yourself happier. The happier you get, the less you will notice your "need" to date someone. Eventually someone will pop up. Until then, you deserve to be happy and have some fun.

 

I have hobbies, yes, but they're not really things that get me out meeting people. It's really just nerdy little things I enjoy that I do by myself. I've been trying to look for other things to get into that might get me out more, but nothing has really piqued my interest in any kind of way, so...

 

Of course joining a group is just one option, but I leave it there for now! There are plenty more ideas to take advantage of.

 

Such as? I've already tried online dating, for one, and that was more or less a waste. Wrote to over 100 girls over the last several months, got very few responses back, and of those responses, none materialized into dates. So I don't see that as much of an option.

[Polak]

I have hobbies, yes, but they're not really things that get me out meeting people. It's really just nerdy little things I enjoy that I do by myself. I've been trying to look for other things to get into that might get me out more, but nothing has really piqued my interest in any kind of way, so...

No problem, the "nerdy little things" you enjoy doing by yourself are most likely shared by more than a few girls. Just a matter of finding them. And yes I know that sounds impossible, as groups for those sorts of things are limited in scope. Usually the reason people like to do things by themselves is because they like to do them by themselves haha. W/o a group setting. So if it isn't your thing to find groups, no big deal. There are plenty of other ways to actively meet people.

 

I've already tried online dating, for one, and that was more or less a waste.

Yeah, online dating will get you nowhere. I mean, it's possible that you find the love of your life somewhere online, but the chances are veeeery small. I tried it just for the heck of it and quickly learned my lesson. But hey, we all learn through experience. You can check that off the "tried it" list.

 

Now, admittedly, after she rejected me, I did spiral out a bit, and that's when I started feeling extra "clingy" and "desperate". But again, that didn't happen until after she rejected me. I just haven't been able to properly "recover" from this downward spiral. This whole experience has made me realize how lonely I am, and how much I'm missing out on. I'm just tired of "waiting" and "holding out hope".

This is an unfortunate truth. Often we find ourselves lonely, and not just "finding ourselves lonely" but rather, feeling it with every fiber of our being. Because loneliness is a damn strong feeling. The thing I have learned to do (and this is not exclusive, it's just what works for me best) is to keep trodding on and assume your previous character of a content individual. I can't seem to find a better solution so that's the only advice I can give. I basically hold faith that someone will appear sooner or later and I have to be patient, and not needy or desperate. Trust me, I want just as much as you to have that person to love and to hold. A real relationship. I felt it before and it was simply and indescribably amazing. But it was broken in front of me, so I know what I'm missing. Now I live my life "normally" with a certain level of loneliness but I try hard not to let it affect my daily actions and thoughts. It can really consume you, and it's not healthy...

 

Anyway, if there's any other aspect of your whole girl-rejection situation which you'd like for me to respond to specifically, let me know. I'm happy to share experiences or help in any way I can.

[Inflikted]

See, I think within the next six or so months, one or both of us will probably be leaving for a new job, and at that point, we'll no longer see each other. On one hand, I know that will probably make things easier for me, because there won't be someone actually present in my life for me to obsess over.

 

But on the other hand, I'm dreading this day, because I don't WANT to "never see her again". I don't want her to be gone. She's so... different from most girls I tend to meet, and I feel such a bond with her that I could really see her as a "best friend" figure to me, which is something I've never been able to say about anyone.

 

It just really sucks knowing that I'm on "borrowed time" with her. Like I said, I know it will probably be good for me in the long run to no longer be seeing her, but it just stings so much to think of my life without her having any part of it.

[Teknoe]

"If you actively pursue a relationship, it won't happen. As soon as you couldn't care less whether or not you have somebody and you are 100% satisfied with being single, compatible females will appear out of nowhere". That's because women don't like desperate men. Technically, you can call men desperate if they keep looking for some kind of relationship unceasingly. On the other hand, if you are single and completely happy with yourself, a woman is attracted to your self-satisfaction and confidence. I feel like you are taking it upon yourself a bit too hard to find someone to love and hold. Don't get me wrong, we all want that and need that, but sometimes the priority level in which we put it is way too high.

 

Quoted for truth, total truth. Women can smell desperation, and no matter how good you think you are, if you are too focused on winning a girl's heart, in most cases the battle has already been lost.

 

Forcing things and whatnot usually ends poorly for the person pursuing.

 

Being genuinely happy with yourself and living your life is the key to success. It might not always come with a girlfriend attached, but at least you can be happy!