How long do I give her to leave him

[yxalitis]

I started this whole online dating thing after I left my wife of 20 years, more curious than anything.

I started chatting with one girl who pretty much told me right away that she had a boyfriend, but that she wasn't happy, he didn't feel like a boyfriend.

I can tell you now she is right, he is a very odd chap.

(And yes, all of this is true, I write this after 3 months of experience with her)

He never kisses her, except a peck.

He doesn't cuddle her.

They have had sex about 20 times in 2 years.

They only see each other on the weekend.

He never stays at her place.

They have not even a toothbrush at each others' house.

They do both live in the same city, distance is not the excuse here.

They act towards each other like friends.

I think he is using her a trophy girlfriend, he might well be a closet gay.

BUT

She loves him.

The fact they have such a distant relationship has led her down a path of depression, self doubt, and has destroyed her self confidence.

It was in this frame that we first met, after a few nights chatting online, she texted me to say she was very sad after once again being dumped back at her place after doing her duty at a family event (his family).

So I met her, purely to cheer her up and because I've seen first hand what depression can do to a person.

We met., had a coffee, then went bowling, afterwards we went back to her place, and talked till late, I stayed over, slept in her bed, but no sex, we were that comfortable with each other, honestly I've never met someone I got on so well with so soon.

We met the next night at my place for a spa, and had sex.

Now, this girl is NOT a playgirl, she has only had 2 boyfriends, both treated her badly in quite different ways, she does not easily fall into bed with someone, so please put that thought aside.

She wants to leave him, but doesn't have the willpower to do so, she loves him (I have no idea why BTW, he has money, but that's about it as far as attraction goes).

So I became her secret lover, she only told a few of her closest friends and family, the rest are in the dark.

 

OK, so skip forward 3 months. For the past month I've pretty much lived at her place 90% of the time, only popping home if she was staying at his place overnight.

What, she still sees him?

Sigh...yes, hence this post!

When we first started, she said she had to make sure I was for real, give her 3 months, then she can be sure I'm there for the long haul, and she can leave him and tell her family.

But now we are at 3 months, she still isn't ready.

The ONLY time we fight is when I ask her when she is going to break up, she gets all ****ty and tells me to not be pushy. "Step by step" she says.

So Chinese Moon festival rocks up, and I have not not be at her house, she is hosting a dinner and of course boyfriend is invited, not me.

Afterwards she calls me, and I come over, she is very upset about him again, but won't tell me why.

 

She is legit about wanting to break up, after about 8 weeks, she asked me to talk to him, telling him that she wants to move on as he was making her miserable.

I thought that had worked, as he spoke to her, and said "If that's what you want"

Unfortunately it didn't make a difference, she continued to accept his daily calls, and see him on weekends.

I suspect he doesn't want to give up his useful trophy girlfriend (Honestly, he have a hard time finding someone else who would put up with being treated so badly), and she is so in love that when he says he wants to try, she accepts.

She is now very close to me, she holds me tight, we go out often, we kiss, make love, she takes me hand as we walk, everything between us is great.

 

Except this damn boyfriend!

 

Now given that this isn't the usual "She won't leave her boyfriend" situation, in that she really doesn't have a proper relationship with him, no sex (And yes I KNOW they aren't having sex, or even touching each other in bed when she stays over), only gets to see her once a week, even less recently. Last night was the first time she stayed over for 2 weeks.

 

But I am now getting to the stage when I have to man up, put my foot down, and make her leave him.

She is very close now, she tells me, just a little bit longer...

How long do I give her, or is it already too long?

 

I love her, she "Really cares for me" but doesn't love me yet.

I think that's what she is waiting for, to fall in love with me, but I don;t think she can while still seeing this other guy.

In fact I think she does love me, but doesn't realise it.

 

I want to tell her that at least she should never stay over at his place again.

 

OK, any advice please.

[whichwayisup]

She cannot 'try you out' for three months, end her R and then jump ship to be with you.

 

It isn't over with her and her bf because she isn't ready to leave him. She won't until she truly wants it over.

 

Sorry but men and women who want out of a R, end it. Whether someone is waiting on the sidelines or not.

 

I say, tell her goodbye, that you are not willing to be her 'fall to' guy anymore and when she's totally free and single, has been on her own for a while, then to call you and maybe you'll take her on a real date in the right circumstances.

 

If you stay, she will continue using you (selfishly) and you'll continue to get hurt.

[mercy]

OK, any advice please.

 

 

You asked, how long do you give her.

 

You give her today. That's it. Period. Because tomorrow is too late. Tomorrow you realize that if you stay one more day in this relationship it is one day too long. Too spend one day in a wrong relationship is a day you will never get back, it is a sin against the nature of life, your life is a gift. Treat it accordingly.

[whichwayisup]

But I am now getting to the stage when I have to man up, put my foot down, and make her leave him.

 

No..To "man up" is YOU leaving. Put your foot down by telling her goodbye.

 

You can't make her leave him. What you've been doing, pushing her has not worked, in fact you say she's pissy with you when you push and she says she isn't ready.

 

What you aren't getting here, she is STILL living 'life' with him. Entertaining, spending time, bonding, etc..

 

I read your thread again and there are TONS of red flags that you're not seeing. I get you love her and this is why you can't see them or be objective.

[bentleychic]

You can't "make her" do anything. You can only make your own choices. You've already given her a time line, she has not stuck to it. Now the choice is in your hands. You have t decide what you want to do from here.

 

Good luck.