Is she hinting?

[sepsa]

Hello everyone,

 

I’ve posted my situation on loveshack before. Long story short, I’ve been friends with a girl for a little over three years now. We’ve always and I mead always, expressed romantic feelings (or at least potential feelings) for each other. The problem is she started dating someone JUST before we met and it turned into a 3-year saga of him cheating and lying, them breaking up, him continuing to play her, her being fooled into giving him a second chance, getting back together, and then him cheating and lying again!

 

So…all along the way we maintained a casual and rather distant friendship due to the circumstances. We became much closer soon after the final breakup. However, her being scarred and “damaged goods”, she said she likes me but is so not ready. So we distanced ourselves again.

 

So now it’s been a little over a year since her breakup and we keep in contact through emails only. However, she sent me a really sincere B-day card recently and her emails to me have picked up in frequency. We left it off as her not being ready and knowing that I am. So she said it’s always bad timing. I even put her on the spot and told her to just tell me if she didn’t like me in that way…she responded adamantly that she does like me, it’s just that she’s not ready…she said she needs time to find herself and take care of herself.

 

I guess my question is…should I wait for her to come to me? Or is her emails (now picking up) a hint? I have to say a friend suggested an interesting scenario…

 

She said, “Maybe she wants to gradually re-establish contact with you and take it slowly but she is afraid you will want to “dive right in” and she may still not be ready for it…but rather wanting to take it slowly? And she doesn’t know how to approach it this way?”

 

Any advice on this suggested scenario or advice in general would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by sepsa

I guess my question is…should I wait for her to come to me? Or is her emails (now picking up) a hint? I have to say a friend suggested an interesting scenario…

 

She said, “Maybe she wants to gradually re-establish contact with you and take it slowly but she is afraid you will want to “dive right in” and she may still not be ready for it…but rather wanting to take it slowly? And she doesn’t know how to approach it this way?”

 

Any advice on this suggested scenario or advice in general would be greatly appreciated.Thanks!

 

 

#1. Don't take advice on dating from females, they will usually give you wrong advice

#2. You are this woman's FRIEND and that will most likely never change

#3. You sound like typical "nice" guy who waits in the wings pining over some girl he'll never get

#4. She likes bad boys and you are not a bad boy

#5. Forget her, move on and find other women to date and be with

#6. Make yourself #1 in your life and then the women will come to you.

#7. Learn to be less nice

[startingover1028]

#1. Don't take advice on dating from females, they will usually give you wrong advice

 

Hey! I take issue with this! (being a female)

 

Please clarify.... What is it about female dating advice that is so "wrong"?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by startingover1028

Hey! I take issue with this! (being a female)

 

Please clarify.... What is it about female dating advice that is so "wrong"?

 

 

Unless a woman is a lesbian she has NO real world or practical advice about dating a woman. Now lesbians do date women so they may be a good source of advice about how women behave in a relationship and how to deal with them.

 

But most hetero women don't have much experience in dating women. So I personally don't think they are qualified.

 

When women need dating or relationship advice they usually ask other women. Men should do the same, they should get dating and relationship advice from other men.

[Soraca]

Unfortunately Alphamale, you're probably right. Time will tell?

 

I guess I can be silly and use real life stories to inspire me...like a friend of a friend I know that was FRIENDS with a girl for over 10 years and now they're married! All along he liked her and she just saw him as a friend... so she continually drew the line at friends only. But after she had enough of the BS, she realized that he was the one for her.

 

But I do admit this is the exception and not the norm.

 

Anyway thanks for the advice. I appreciate it!

[daphne]

whereas I take exception to most of what alphamale has to say, in a way he's right. Most women give really bad advice to men on what to do as do men to women. We're always telling each other how to give up their power for our respective genders.

 

My advice is that on the one hand it is clear that this girl needed time to get over that loser she was dating. However, if she REALLY liked you it wouldn't take this long for her to want to explore the possibilities. There was a guy that liked me and whom I liked before and after my breakup of about 8 months ago. Within about 4-5 months I was ready to consider the possibilities. And my last breakup was awful. So there you go. When someone really likes you, they let you know it. Sounds like she's keeping you as backup right now.

 

date others. When you suddenly become unavailable is probably around the time that this one will want to pursue it. Never fails.

[sepsa]

Perhaps her knowing I'm with someone else will get her attention?

 

It just seems that she is now reaching out to me more frequently and I'm wondering if I should "call" her on it? In other words, ask her if she would like to get together. She's never been one to be direct and needs someone to take the lead.

 

Or do I leave it alone and wait to see if she comes to me?

[daphne]

honestly I'd leave it alone. It's been a year and it sounds like she's just making sure you're still around. That's not a huge sign of interest. Women don't often pursue but I do not get the impression that she's sending out signals that she wants to be pursued. There are too many women out there to wonder about someone who doesn't knwo what they want or at the very least don't want you.

[sepsa]

There are too many women out there to wonder about someone who doesn't knwo what they want or at the very least don't want you.

 

Hi Daphne,

 

The above sentence you wrote in your last reply but I don't understand what you're trying to say? Could you explain this when you can? Thanks.

 

So I guess in a nutshell you're saying if she is really interested, she'll be more assertive?

[tokyo]

I think most people when they are really interested will go for a relationship. Few people are able to resist love It´s been over a year and she still hasn´t done anything.... I´d ask her out again, if she rejects, then move on. Most people are not that resistent or scared, sorry to say that. If she´s not interested by now, it´s because she´s waiting for something better and you should make yourself more attractive by not sticking around her all the time. To me you look like the kind of nice guy that women don´t really want to date, because you´re too safe and sure, the kind of guy they will keep on the backburner. And to me that´s how it looks like. I might be wrong and she´s a really special case, but I think those are rare.

[daphne]

sepsa,

 

i gotta go with kooky on that. what i'm saying is that if she really liked you, you wouldn't be here asking these questions. you are not receiving any real signals. rather you are looking for something where nothing exists. I'm sorry, it sucks but everyone's been there. Don't let yourself get strung along as the back burner guy.

[Scott70]

What ever happened to honesty? If you still want her, just tell her that you know that she's been through alot, and that it doesn't matter. You still love her and you won't put her through all the crap she's been going through. Tell her that you will put her through a new line of crap. Tell her that the guy of her dreams has been under her nose the whole time. When she says she's not ready, it means only 2 things.

 

She feels bad for all the things she has done, or she has someone else, that may or may not treat her like crap. Make sure you let her know that you love her, and she will still have to experience crap. BUT, the difference is that you will be faithful, love her forever, and try to minimize the crap. Two people can not live together and not clash.

[sepsa]

Hi Scott70,

 

Thanks for your refreshing post!

 

I agree that honesty is always best. She has always maintained that she likes me in that way. It's just always been bad timing because of her bozo EX.

 

I actually had to drop something off at her office this week. It was the first time in a while that we saw each other. She jumped up and gave me a big hug and kiss. That was nice but I played it cool and left after that. Then I got an email from her shortly after with her saying that she loved the way I smelled!

 

So I know she likes me and misses me. I just have to, at the right time, approach her about what you mentioned.

 

Thanks again!

[sepsa]

Hello all,

 

Well, after avoiding my friend for some time...she started to come around gradually. She started with occasional emails, a B-Day card, and most recently, a rather expensive Christmas gift. At least it's expensive for what she makes.

 

So, all along, I was playing it cool and not "giving in" or initiating any contact. But after the holidays, I asked her to lunch at work. We work for the same company but in different departments. Even different buildings, so the work-romance thing is not an issue. She said yes and we had a nice get together. Sort of a catch-up type of meeting.

 

Nothing deep was dsicussed but she didn't put up any red flags. As I mentioned in the past, she's always maintained that she likes me but the timing was just never right. So I figure I'll wait a week, and then ask her for a Saturday afternoon movie or a Sunday brunch and see how she responds?

 

I figure I'll take it one step at a time...slowly...and see how she responds?

 

Any thoughts or advice?

 

Thanks!

[Eddie Lopez]

Hey sepsa

 

It's good that you are keeping it cool. If you are still not sure about how she feels, just casualy invite her out. It is easier for two friends to go out and have fun together, than for two friends to start dating. Oh and remember "We chase that which runs from us" i guess what i'm trying to say is don't throw your self at her, that's how people lose intrest. Once you two are having fun together show her why you would be good for her, be subtle about it. But what do i know I've always been the bad boy.....

 

If there is any definate advice I could give you it "Don't be desperate" but I'm sure that you already know that. Oh and don't for get

 

Have Fun

[sepsa]

Hi Eddie,

 

Thanks for your advice. You said it when you mention not making myself too available. I have to do this. So that’s why I’m not asking her to get together this weekend but rather next weekend. I’ll even designate a daytime “date”.

 

So we’ll see…

 

All I know is she has been coming around gradually. At least it appears that way. Perhaps now the timing is right if I play my cards right and play my cards slowly. Either way, I have to know if she's just playing games, just misses me as a friend, or is ready to explore the possiblities with me?

 

Thanks again!

[SuperFantastico]

This is gonna sound really evil, but i think this girl needs a emotional slap in the

face.

 

Tell her you've met a girl that you seem to hit it off with. Perhaps even put

a little story into it. You guys went here, you guys did this. Then dont email

her for like a week or so. Even if she emails you.

 

Of course this is all mind games. And normally these would be bad. But

this girl has an emotional barrier up preventing her from moving on and dating

you. You gotta show her that you arnt gonna wait around until she is

ready. Telling her that is not gonna work. But doing it this way will get

her all crazy and desperate that she do something before its too late. Get

her to chase you instead of you waiting for her.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Oh and i mean. Tell her over the course of like 4 or 5 emails before you cut off

contact.

[Soraca]

Super I think you are right and ironically that is now the case. I asked her to lunch last week (a weekend lunch) and she gave me the runaround so I haven't spoken to her since and I WON'T unless she contacts me first. Otherwise, it's her loss!

 

Thanks.

[mental_traveller]

Originally posted by alphamale

Unless a woman is a lesbian she has NO real world or practical advice about dating a woman. Now lesbians do date women so they may be a good source of advice about how women behave in a relationship and how to deal with them.

 

But most hetero women don't have much experience in dating women. So I personally don't think they are qualified.

 

When women need dating or relationship advice they usually ask other women. Men should do the same, they should get dating and relationship advice from other men.

 

From my experience you are incorrect. A woman who you are not interested in screwing, and vice versa, can give *excellent* advice about women. Why? Because she's a woman, doh! She's knows the games women play, and will (not always realising it) let you know what a woman likes and doesn't like, how she will say one thing whilst meaning another etc. Just because she hasn't dated a woman doesn't mean diddly squat. I've never dated a man, but I can give you the lowdown on 95% of male behaviour in relationships, as I'm sure you or any other guy with 2 brain cells is able to do. We understand our own kind, our motivations, BS, games, excuses etc.

 

Personally I've got *loads* of useful advice from a woman friend of mine, it's been very helpful. In fact she should open a training class for male wannabe players!

[Eddie Lopez]

Originally posted by mental_traveller

A woman who you are not interested in screwing, and vice versa, can give *excellent* advice about women.

 

Why would a guy talk to a woman that he's not intrested in screwing? lol j/k but seriously i have to say i agree with alphamale, not to those exact words but not taking advise from the opposite sex. From my experence and what i have seen others go through when advise is given by the opposite sex it only complicates things. Now I'm not claiming to understand the opposite sex , but i understand enough to tell another guy when he's doing somthing wrong and when he's doing somthing right.

 

Besides you said it your self

We understand our own kind

let me tell you somthing sista, that works both ways, guys understand other guys motivations, BS, games, excuses etc.. But that dosent mean jack. I might be able to tell a girl what to do, and she may hook up with a guy because of what i told her, but chances are the advise i gave her is gonna be better for the guy than it is for her. To sum it all up, it's nearly imposible to give unbiased advise to the opposite sex.

[Neechi]

I do think it is valuable to get insights from the opposite sex. I am a guy and if I know what my tendencies (as well as my male friends' tendencies) are, I can communicate that to a female so she can get a better idea of what might be going on in a guy's head.

 

I am not a female so I can't tell a female how to act or feel but I can certainly clarify things that may help her make up her own mind. I think the same goes for females giving insight to men on other women.

[Eddie Lopez]

Well insight is a different story, I agree insight can valuable as long as it stays insight, when you starting giving guidence or recommendations it becomes advice.

[Neechi]

Originally posted by Eddie Lopez

Well insight is a different story, I agree insight can valuable as long as it stays insight, when you starting giving guidence or recommendations it becomes advice.

 

I think it is difficult in general to give recommendations on here no matter what sex a person may be. It is tough to really give accurate advice based on a paragraph somebody writes to start a thread. It certainly can't make up for personal observations. But we can certainly do our best with the small amount of info given.

 

Maybe we should all put disclaimers at the bottom of our posts so people realize we know we only have about 1% of all the needed info to make a great observation.

[kanga]

You were her surrogate boyfriend.

 

Some women just always need a guy near them. And so when they're in between boyfriends, they have the old stand-by who will never say no.

 

I have plenty of friends like this -- women who feel their life is incomplete with being in a relationship.

 

Originally posted by Soraca

Super I think you are right and ironically that is now the case. I asked her to lunch last week (a weekend lunch) and she gave me the runaround so I haven't spoken to her since and I WON'T unless she contacts me first. Otherwise, it's her loss!

 

Thanks.