How do I live with her pain?

[hnt814]

I have lost the emotional connection to my wife of 28 years and do not believe that I can get it back. I left her a year ago but came back after nine months. Details in my introductory post here.

 

How to just walk away?

 

I've been back for three months now and she has really been trying. She is just the kindest person and I love her so much. We do not fight, I love spending time with her, love our house and she takes very good care of me. I just don't feel it any more and don't think I ever will. She has lost weight and truly looks better than she ever has. I'm simply not attracted to her. We've made love a few times and it's just so mechanical for me. The passion and attraction is gone.

 

I've told her this and told her that I'm considering leaving again and she is devastated. I am her whole world and the only one she has ever wanted. Our plan was always to grow old together.

 

So how do I leave to find my own happiness knowing the pain it will cause her? The thought of her alone and crying is too much to bear.

 

How do I deal with her pain?

[Gunny376]

Quit running away from yourself and blaming her!

[M30USA]

Honestly, this is something that is 100% you. It's gonna happen with any woman you're with. I think your wife should get a gold medal. Most wives would be gone by now these days. Edited September 29, 2013 by M30USA

[M30USA]

You seem to be implying that she's a good wife. It's not like she's abusive, she hasn't cheated, and it sounds like she's even gotten in pretty good shape just for you. People get burned out when they can't please someone with their best effort. I believe the problem is entirely within yourself. So far you haven't given me any reasons to believe otherwise.

[PoopHappens]

I'll ditto all the other replies before me. You're in a tough place hnt814. I think you should look into what a marriage and relationship is for most people after 28 years together. It's not a honeymoon anymore. It's something much much better. If it's a honeymoon you're after then chances are you'll experience a few more in the time you have left here on Earth. The very fact you have returned and feel for her feelings tells me the necessary ingredients are there. There are many ways to enhance the bedroom side of life; start talking and doing some research.

[hnt814]

I'm not fooling myself. I clearly understand that I am responsible for bringing my happiness with me wherever I go. And despite how I may have come across in my original post I am not blaming her. I am not a perfect person and obviously no day at the beach but I have good no great qualities. 28 years of devotion, commitment, and faithfulness. None of you have any idea the effort that I have put into this both before I left and since I've been back. Nor have you heard her admit that she played a role in letting us grow apart. It's just not there any more. I tell myself to kiss and hold her but there is simply no desire. Hard to water the grass when your holding an empty can.

[Suzanne L]

hnt.. you sound an awful lot like my own husband! To me it sounds like the feelings just 'aren't there' for you, and it's kind of hard to force yourself to feel that way if you just don't. Before you leave, have you tried everything? Counseling, books, self-reflection, etc, to make sure you are making the right decision? Are you happy in every other area in your life besides the relationship?

 

Do you have a close friend or relative to talk to about all of this? It sounds like you have a lot of hard thinking to do.. best of luck to you in your tough situation.

[2sure]

You can't make her make you happy , especially since you admit no matter what she does at this point...it isn't going to work because you are done.

 

But you also can't make her be happy with your leaving. I mean, this woman can't win either way and your question is how can you deal with that. Your putting all of it on her. She either truly loves you or thinks she must because she is afraid of this huge change. Which is fair, you've spent your lives together . Together you made a choice and stayed with it. Now , everything is different.

 

And that happens at mid life. But your asking her to be happy about it so it's easier for you is just...well, it's too much. You're not entitled to that.

 

Because the both of you years ago decided together that building your lves and raising your family and creating your home would be managed by your working outside and her working at home...As long as your finances and retirement can support you both seperately, then you just have to make it happen.

 

Eventually she will feel the relief of not being able to make you happy. She will thrive without your rejection.

 

And you will not have to feel guilty. You will be able to move on alone to see if you can find a way to make yourself happy.

 

There isn't an easy way to do it. Building a life together creates obligations , your mid life crisis doesn't absolve you of them. But that also doesn't mean you can't leave. You absolutely can. It happens every day.

[hnt814]

I'm in no way expecting her to be happy about it. Really? And not looking to absolve myself of any guilt. My original question was to simply ask if anyone had gone through this and found a way to forgive themselves. Strategies to deal with the pain. I never thought we would find ourselves here.

[Suzanne L]

hnt. there is nothing wrong with how you feel. Sometimes you can't control how you feel toward someone, no matter how hard you try. If the feelings aren't there, perhaps they just aren't. Sorry, I haven't read your previous thread. Do you feel like there is absolutely NO way that you could ever regain that connection with her? Have you tried everything?

 

Ultimately, you have to do what is right for you (whatever that may be). What ISN'T fair, I know for certain as I have gone through it, is to lead a spouse on into believing that there is still a chance if you know there isn't. So, if that is how you feel, that there isn't a chance at all, then you are doing the right thing and actually sparing your wife's feelings. I have been on the receiving end of this, where my husband didn't care about me for years, and personally I would have liked him to be completely honest with me sooner than later. Perhaps it helps to look at it that way. Just my 2 cents.

[vla1120]

Do not take offense to the opinions given here. We've all been through something or we wouldn't be out here. I myself am guilty of responding bitterly to posters who get a rise out of me when their post brings up unfavorable memories for me. You asked how to get through it and how to help your wife through it. There is no magic easy fix. Counseling would help in both cases. It sounds like your wife has already employed some of the tactics that will help her through it - mainly the 180, and taking good care of herself. I wish you both luck.

 

EDIT - Suzanne L. is a good resource for you to understand your wife's perspective. Her perspective would probably be the most helpful to you.

Edited September 29, 2013 by vla1120

[Yasuandio]

How do you like the idea of being alone, sir? Chances are very good that is what will happen. What a nice Honeymoon to look forward to as the inevitable life problems of age begin to creep up on us (maybe prostate cancer, heart attack, depression, a loss of someone dear in your life). Anyone, and more of these types of things can and probably will indeed happen as you age. You know what your wife is for in these later years? To be by your side, to comfort you.

 

Too bad you're not "feeling it for her anymore.". Chances are very slim that you'll live long enough to develop a 28 year relationship with another companion. Stats are pretty pathetic for second marriages. My condolences. So sorry for YOUR loss. Yas

[2sunny]

You certainly CAN get that bond back - IF YOU spent time and energy focused on your wife - focused on GETTING emotionally connected to her.

 

It's on you. You can - you are just CHOOSING not to!

[trippi1432]

My entire post got killed by a flick of the wrist, bada ping, bada poo...was a decent post too, I might recall it tomorrow..in the meantime I would encourage the OP to look to his first thread if he is asking for Mercy.

[trippi1432]

You certainly CAN get that bond back - IF YOU spent time and energy focused on your wife - focused on GETTING emotionally connected to her.

 

It's on you. You can - you are just CHOOSING not to!

 

 

That was about the gist of my post too

[whichwayisup]

Have you two talked, I mean really talked. put it all out there, the good bad and the ugly? Had crying bouts together? Have you gone to marriage counseling? Gone a trip, role played, spiced up your sex life, watched porn, have sex while watching porn, pretend to pick your wife up at a bar then seduce her?

 

Until you've exhausted all resources, it ain't over.

 

Sounds like you two have a good life together and are happy enough but you want great, hot passionate sex like you used to have years ago with her.

 

Yes, you both probably dropped the ball and allowed 'life' to get in the way..

 

I can't remember your full situation from before but I will go and read your older thread.

[whichwayisup]

My entire post got killed by a flick of the wrist, bada ping, bada poo...was a decent post too, I might recall it tomorrow..in the meantime I would encourage the OP to look to his first thread if he is asking for Mercy.

 

God don't you hate it when that happens? Always do a quick cntrl/command C (depending if you're PC or MAC) before you hit send! Lesson learned a long time ago!

[whichwayisup]

Did you even go to counseling with your wife and/or on your own? If not, GO to marriage counseling.

 

Find some great hobby, a passion that will make you happy and get your blood flowing again.

 

This is a combo of your whole life becoming stale, just not your marriage and how you feel towards your wife.

[2sunny]

You plan to kill the life she has known...shattering her hopes and dreams.

 

There is no way to take away that pain you will selfishly and intentionally inflict upon her.

 

Hopefully, she will see quickly that she deserves a man to love and honor her - and that it's not you.

 

That's when she will be free of the pain.

[trippi1432]

hnt - you had stated that your wife claims that she didn't change, she has remained the same person she always was, you are the one that changed. Is that true? If it is, then somewhere, at some point, how she is was acceptable to you.

 

So you put your hand on her knee, she doesn't reciprocate? You reach for her hand....but she doesn't do that for you....etc. The sex is great, but it's just that she doesn't initiate, everything else about the relationship is wonderful but this one thing of who is showing the most affection.

 

I was in those shoes almost a year ago, except my ex-boyfriend did initiate affection in the beginning. He also initiated sex, conversation, wanted to do things to help out around the house, insisted on driving us places...etc, he was engaged in the relationship. Six months in, he became "comfortable" and all of that stopped so I had to initiate the affection to get it, initiate sex to get it, initiate conversation to have any of that and if I got lucky, he would take the garbage out if he got out of his own head and realized I was bagging it up. He brought up the subject of marriage......well, you can guess what happened, I brought up breaking up and that was the end of the relationship.

 

It really only took six months for me to see we weren't compatible, that once he got comfortable, the entire relationship dynamic changed....it only took that long for me to know that I would not be happy spending the rest of my life with him. Now, my question to you is how can you have been with someone for 36 years, 26 of them married, 10 of them pre-marriage and not have seen that this is just who she is? You had 10 years to decide if she fit the image of who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

 

I think I believe what your wife told you, that she didn't change and has always been this person who didn't initiate based on your original thread. Now, to make YOU happy, she needs to change who she has been for the past 36 years that you have been perfectly accepting of until you started keeping score. hnt, the reason you weren't happy when you left and the reason you went back and still are not happy and want to leave again is because of a mid-life crisis. It's not her that is making you unhappy, it's not what she isn't doing (as she was not that person to begin with that you want/need her to be), I will say it's more that you stopped being proud of being the man YOU are when YOU are affectionate, when YOU initiate....etc. You want her to give what you had been perfectly fine in giving previously, but you are turning a blind eye on all of the other things she is giving you.

 

What if the shoe were on the other foot, what if Mrs. hnt came to you and said she wasn't happy because she has cooked for you for 36 years and not once have you ever returned that symbol of love to her? Pretty superficial don't you think.....to want a divorce because you never cooked for her, after all, for 36 years you let her lead in the kitchen while you were the man and did the leading on affection.

 

Mid-life crisis are hard hnt, many people throw away their happiness because of them. Yes, she will get hurt, yes, she will survive....you on the other hand, won't see what you threw away until it's too late.

 

BTW - Please do look at my avatar, it's about how people value things/people. In the beginning, they value it very much. Once they have it, it/people lose their value (taken for granted). But once you lose that which you valued highly in the beginning and didn't value while you had it, becomes something that you eventually realize you value more once it's gone or no longer yours.

[Janesays]

"For better or for worse."

 

So many people say these words, but I'm convinced most don't have a clue what they mean.

[cozycottagelg]

I feel for you, I'm in the same spot. It is so lonely and confusing.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hard to water the grass when your holding an empty can.

I know your post was about her but I'm wondering what you see the future holding for you ??? Alone? In another relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

I feel for you, I'm in the same spot. It is so lonely and confusing.

 

I don't feel sorry for a man who intentionally ploys to ruin lives of those he claims to love - that's not love. That's selfish.

 

 

If he's lonely - it's because he hasn't communicated his needs and done the work necessary to change it all.

 

And if he wants a divorce- he can own that responsibility all on his own.

[SameMistakes]

hnt. there is nothing wrong with how you feel. Sometimes you can't control how you feel toward someone, no matter how hard you try. If the feelings aren't there, perhaps they just aren't. Sorry, I haven't read your previous thread. Do you feel like there is absolutely NO way that you could ever regain that connection with her? Have you tried everything?

 

Ultimately, you have to do what is right for you (whatever that may be). What ISN'T fair, I know for certain as I have gone through it, is to lead a spouse on into believing that there is still a chance if you know there isn't. So, if that is how you feel, that there isn't a chance at all, then you are doing the right thing and actually sparing your wife's feelings. I have been on the receiving end of this, where my husband didn't care about me for years, and personally I would have liked him to be completely honest with me sooner than later. Perhaps it helps to look at it that way. Just my 2 cents.

 

I'm not sure why this thread got such a harsh response, considering it's very similar to your original post from last year and even has some of the same commenters.

 

I agree with Suzanne L (particularly since she's been in your wife's position). Leading your wife on may be more painful for her and if/when you leave, she will eventually get through the pain. It seems like you checked out and it's understandable after years of repressing your feelings or feeling like your needs haven't been met that you would just shut down.

 

I honestly don't know if it's a marriage that can be saved or not (despite what many of the posters here feel). Only you know that, and it seems like you are pretty confident in that decision.

 

All you can do is be as honest with yourself as possible. Is it truly making your wife happy, knowing that you are miserable with her?