stillafool Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 For goodness sakes, why did you come back? You should have left her alone and gone about your business. Maybe she would be on her way to healing by now. You've done nothing but interrupted her healing. Go, and stay away this time. She will heal if you leave her alone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 I would watch out for the karma bus. You make her sound like a wonderful wife. Marriage can get routine, but why do you not do something she likes to do? Maybe you will like it as well. But do not keep causing her the pain. Would you feel better if she cheated on you? She sounds like a catch, what would you feel if she met another man? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hnt814 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 I thank you for your input. There are things to consider from even the harshest comments. Yes we began counseling and plan to continue for now. I did IC a couple of years ago and suggested MC but she wasn't interested. It's difficult to explain the effort that I and yes we have put in in this limited space. I disagree that this is a mid life crisis and rather feel that it's something that has been building over many years. We have just simply been evolving into people with different needs. I want very much to save this marriage but also know that we haven't been meeting each other's needs for a very long time. Should we remain together for better or worse? Be that older couple we all see sitting together in restaurants, checked out of each other and just waiting for the end? Or do we each find someone that we feel truly connected with? Thank you Suzanne for your thoughtful comments but it may be the critical ones that get me to reconsider my position. I do not want to be that guy who 'walks away'. If we continue to work on this and I am able to get those feelings back then for sure I would consider that a win. But if I remain here for two years, or ten years, only to find myself in the same position, who wins? Certainly not her. I truly love my wife and want what is best for both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Suzanne L Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Sorry hnt, looks like I jumped the gun a bit with my response. If you are willing to work with your wife on getting the connection back that is great! Definitely best to leave no stone unturned. Marriages are a lot of work, and it is great that you are willing to work on things with her. Counseling would be a good first step. Take care, Suzanne Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Should we remain together for better or worse?. Yes, because that is what you promised, that is what you vowed, and that is what you signed up for. So be a man and stand by your word and die with honor. A man with no honor is no man at all. That is something my father taught me...a true man who believed his word was his bond and would live miserably before he'd break his vows. If you walk away from your word, you die a coward and not a man. If honor isn't important to, go ahead and do it. It's no skin off of my nose. You're the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror every night, not me. You're the one who will one day with no legacy but that of a coward. *shrugs 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 I truly love my wife and want what is best for both of us. I think you have to first start by examining whether this statement is really true. And secondly by understanding there really isn't a relationship where all aspects are "best for both" partners. There's give and take. Sacrifice and compromise. Loyalty and commitment. Passion and friendship. There's a saying in online retailing - great prices, great service, great selection - pick any two. Sometimes marriage is like that also. I'd make sure the aspects you value above all else serve you well going forward in life... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 I have lost the emotional connection to my wife of 28 years and do not believe that I can get it back. I left her a year ago but came back after nine months. Details in my introductory post here. How to just walk away? I've been back for three months now and she has really been trying. She is just the kindest person and I love her so much. We do not fight, I love spending time with her, love our house and she takes very good care of me. I just don't feel it any more and don't think I ever will. She has lost weight and truly looks better than she ever has. I'm simply not attracted to her. We've made love a few times and it's just so mechanical for me. The passion and attraction is gone. I've told her this and told her that I'm considering leaving again and she is devastated. I am her whole world and the only one she has ever wanted. Our plan was always to grow old together. So how do I leave to find my own happiness knowing the pain it will cause her? The thought of her alone and crying is too much to bear. How do I deal with her pain? You state that you "love her so much" - does your love include hurting that person to their soul? Have you noticed that this is about how broken YOU are - not her? Have you been sitting with a counselor who can help you work THROUGH your feelings of being unsatisfied? What work are YOU doing to CHANGEYOURSELF / YOUR perspective? This is about you - not your wife. Do you understand you will take your unhappy self with you when you leave her? Do you understand that IF you need MORE from your wife - that it's up to YOU to convey that message to her in order to get/feel more emotionally connected? And that it's also up to YOU to make the effort toward HER? Are you ignoring your wife - her feelings - her daily activities? Or are you emotionally INVESTED in what she does do - how she feels - and what she accomplishes in a days time? Link to post Share on other sites
Suzanne L Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Do you understand you will take your unhappy self with you when you leave her? This is something to think about for sure, individual counseling would help with this, as you would need to work out any issues of your own in order to be able to re-connect to someone else. are you emotionally INVESTED in what she does do - how she feels - and what she accomplishes in a days time? Appreciate what you have with your wife and show her day in and day out how devoted you are, and how important she is to you. Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Yes, because that is what you promised, that is what you vowed, and that is what you signed up for. So be a man and stand by your word and die with honor. A man with no honor is no man at all. That is something my father taught me...a true man who believed his word was his bond and would live miserably before he'd break his vows. If you walk away from your word, you die a coward and not a man. If honor isn't important to, go ahead and do it. It's no skin off of my nose. You're the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror every night, not me. You're the one who will one day with no legacy but that of a coward. *shrugs To me, a coward would be someone living a lie, scared to take the next step. I can say that, because I am a coward myself. I'd rather die feeling fulfilled in the life that I chose and made. There is nothing honorable about being in an unhappy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 To me, a coward would be someone living a lie, scared to take the next step. I can say that, because I am a coward myself. I'd rather die feeling fulfilled in the life that I chose and made. There is nothing honorable about being in an unhappy marriage. I have the feeling that the OP's wife is in the process of figuring that out for herself. And when she does, watch for the ironic twist in the story where the OP wants to make it work after all, only to find his wife getting on with her life. I understand tough marriages. I've been in one for nearly 30 years myself. Yet we keep on trying and working at it, handicapped though we are by our resentments and insecurities. Because at the end of the day we love each other, and work hard to avoid unloving behavior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 To me, a coward would be someone living a lie, scared to take the next step. I can say that, because I am a coward myself. I'd rather die feeling fulfilled in the life that I chose and made. There is nothing honorable about being in an unhappy marriage. If that is what you believe, then don't make the vows. Simple. After all, you might not view yourself as a coward, but I'm willing to bet most of society does. A man is only as good as his word. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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