memomma Posted November 28, 2004 Share Posted November 28, 2004 I'm normally a pretty nice and optimistic person. I stopped cursing years ago and really try not to be vindictive. I feel like I'm changing. My marriage is in such a mess. We have not spoken to one another in eight weeks. He doesn't even say thank you when I tell him the phone is for him. I have to grit my teeth in order to speak those words to him because he was the one who decided to stop talking in the first place and it really ticks me off. He stopped talking to me not because I had an affair, ran up his credit card bill or started hanging out at the bar....he just got mad at something I said and then shut himself off from me and from my two kids who still live here at home. He has spoken to my kids briefly on occasion if and when they initiate the conversation but other than that it's just crazy. Anyway....when he leaves I find myself wanted to follow him out to his car and say "f--- y---!!!". You have to understand this is really out of character for me to be this angry. I don't know if it's because I try not to fight with him in front of my kids and really don't want all that friction and chaos in my home or if it's because it's just easier on everyone if we just swallow the anger and go on in this crazy relationship. I told myself I would let this go on this time just to see how long he would hold a grudge. It will be 60 days on Weds. The time I went to see an attorney one of the questions she asked was has it been 60 days since we slept together. Well, now it's been not just 60 days since we were intimate but almost 60 days since we even spoke to one another. Am I crazy? Why am I dragging my feet about ending this already ended marriage? I know no one can answer those questions for me but I'm just really having a hard time dealing with all this. Some days I feel like I need to end it now today and then I get to thinking of everything that is involved with that decision and I put it off for another week, another month etc. Now Christmas is coming up and I just don't want to put my kids through all this......they've been through enough already. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 29, 2004 Share Posted November 29, 2004 Originally posted by memomma Am I crazy? Why am I dragging my feet about ending this already ended marriage? You are not crazy. It is easier sometimes to stay with what you know, particularly when you have a history, a home and kids together. What is more terrifying at this point? Staying in the marriage or popping down the papers and starting all over again? I tell you, I'd think it would be more frightening to give up everything you know (even when it makes you miserable), than it would be to stay with it. Your kids, if they are over 5 or so are bound to see what's going on. Its easy to act one way in front of the kids, but kids are amazingly perceptive. I expect they sense something is not right. Give it through the holidays and see if your husband will be willing to talk to you about a separation agreement. It sounds like he is counting on you doing that anyway, from his behavior. Keep it calm and businesslike and see if he agrees to it. If he isn't interested in a separation, then maybe he would be willing to go to counseling with you. Remind him that his behavior as a husband/father and how the marriage is going will be something his children will look back on and it will likely affect every relationship they have. Its not all about him - all of you will be affected, and he needs to understand that. Either way, something's got to give. If you do end up separated, it will be hard for the kids - but in time they will realize that sometimes it is better to part than it is to stay together if things simply cannot work. It will be painful, for sure - but maybe you can work toward an agreement which will either allow you two to function rationally as effective parents together or as effective parents living separately. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. It is damned difficult to see any lights at the end of tunnels like this - but hopefully you and your husband can work out some arrangement that will be best for you and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
JackieQ Posted November 29, 2004 Share Posted November 29, 2004 my ex-bf used to drive me nuts with the silent stuff. he wasn't silent all the time....but if I wanted to talk about a problem we were having he just shut up... tight...no entrance...no way...no how. And, I'm not talking about the "you forgot my birthday" or "you never send me flowers" type problems (although those were there). I'm talking about the type of problem that needs resolving or your relationship really can't take it. I felt controlled, I felt angry, I felt like a nag, I felt like I carried the emotional load, I felt downright maniacial at times... The bottom line was, if he didn't want to talk, I couldn't make him. But, I could choose not to feel the way he made me feel...I walked and feel ever so much more sane for it. I still feel some sad about it and it's been 15 years. In many ways we got along and were good for each other. But, I saw who I was becoming and decided I didn't like it. Anyway, You're not alone Jackie. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts