More email crap--every communication hurts me!

[cat]

I have been trying so hard to block him out. I posted how earlier in the week I told him I couldn't be his friend. Yay for me!

 

Then my car broke down in the road and he drove by to help. Boo. And it really affected me.

 

So this post is one part confession and one part plea for support and understanding.

 

After the car thing, I emailed him and said thank you, and that I was embarrassed, etc. and that it was still hard to talk to him, and that was frustrating to me because I really did want to tell him about the trip I had gone on last weekend. I know what was over the line, I know that was desperate and because I missed him, and that I was opening myself up for hurt...

 

So his response was fine, but it included the following:

"I'm in love with you and I will be for a long time. blah blah blah."

"We never would have been happy together long-term. You wouldn't have been able to deal with my character flaws and there are thing about you that I wouldn't have been able to deal with long-term. I was very, very happy in the short-term though." OUCH!!! Why throw that in there?

 

I hear him closing the door, and it pisses me off! And of course it makes me wonder what's wrong with me? I"m paranoid about what those things are that make me so "unlovable" by him. It's just a shot to my self-esteem. Why say that?

 

It's not the first time he's sent such a double-sided message. He emailed me once and said "I miss being with you so much, and that's why I can never see you."

 

Yesterday when I was cleaning I found some of his clothing--a tie and some shoes. I know he was away this weekend with friends (drinking heavily and getting stoned) without his wife. I sent him a text that said "I found some of your clothing. Let me know if you want it. If not, I have a Goodwill pile." I know I should have put it straight into the goodwill pile without the text, and now I feel like a loser for sending it and now I"m back in the place of waiting for a response. AFTER HE INSULTED ME.

 

I need some help distancing myself from that comment. Every time we talk, I walk away feeling worse. I need to go back to NC, but that comment is staying with me in a bad way. Help.

[Speakingofwhich]

Cat, that's the kind of comment that would help me move on. Ugh! You better believe that if you were with him long term you'd be dealing with those kinds of comments from time to time and who wants to live like that? People treat you the way they do because of who they are, not because of who you are.

Edited September 29, 2013 by Speakingofwhich
spelling

[OpenBook]

People treat you the way they do because of who they are, not because of who you are.

 

Exactly! Goes to credibility, Your Honor. This person is not someone whose words you could take to the bank. Time to don the Teflon - just let those words roll off you, like rain does on high-quality metal. Don't absorb them. The power is in your hands. YOU define yourself, not him.

[cat]

Exactly! Goes to credibility, Your Honor. This person is not someone whose words you could take to the bank. Time to don the Teflon - just let those words roll off you, like rain does on high-quality metal. Don't absorb them. The power is in your hands. YOU define yourself, not him.

 

THanks guys. And yes I know that, and over the years I have worked on my self-esteem issues but I guess I'm not there yet. Maybe this whole situation is a gift to me as a way of resolving them even further.

 

During the time we were together, if I were honest with myself, I KNEW we were never going to get married, because I really didn't want to, and if we had, I knew a divorce would be in our future. There really are some serious flaws of his I didn't want to deal with long-term-- only the first of which is the drinking and the drug use. He was jealous, insecure, mean when he was angry, and honestly a little bit boring. I think there isn't much under the surface for him, whereas I"m used to very deep emotional and intellectual connections.

 

WHY would I ever want this you ask? Well, I was filling a void from another recent breakup. And, he is very domineering, so having someone come in and basically fill in my life was comforting at that time. I'm more pliable, so when he told me what to do, I just kind of went with it, even though I knew inside I didn't want it. I definitely denied myself throughout this whole process. It was nice to be held and loved and told that he was always going to be there. I guess I just needed that.

 

I recognize my own weakness in all of this. I am not sure if it was situational (from the other recent breakup) or because that's really how I am. I hope it's the former.

 

How do I get past letting that affect me? Is it more complicated than "you just don't let it?"

[whichwayisup]

I think this is more of an ego hurt and it's also hurt your self esteem.

 

Why is it okay that you can see his flaws and also know it wasn't going to be long term, but him seeing your flaws and not liking them, knowing you two weren't long term, isn't okay? Just please give that some thought.

 

During the time we were together, if I were honest with myself, I KNEW we were never going to get married, because I really didn't want to, and if we had, I knew a divorce would be in our future. There really are some serious flaws of his I didn't want to deal with long-term-- only the first of which is the drinking and the drug use. He was jealous, insecure, mean when he was angry, and honestly a little bit boring. I think there isn't much under the surface for him, whereas I"m used to very deep emotional and intellectual connections.

[tiernan]

Cat, all communication with him hurts you so much. He is clearly saying he cannot be with you long term, he is insulting you by some stupid remarks of your flaws - he is an idiot! Don't let him get you down, because it is NOT about your deficiencies it is about his COWARDICE

[cat]

I think this is more of an ego hurt and it's also hurt your self esteem.

 

Why is it okay that you can see his flaws and also know it wasn't going to be long term, but him seeing your flaws and not liking them, knowing you two weren't long term, isn't okay? Just please give that some thought.

 

I promise, I have given this SO MUCH thought. I know what it sounds like intellectually. I guess I'm frustrated the emotional hurt is still there even though I "know" the truth? HE wasn't all bad, and I do love him, and we did have good times together, and I felt safe with him (at times). But yeah, there's a lot of bad there. I haven't even mentioned that he's a serial cheater. He swore he would never cheat on me. BUt I always wondered if he was just saying that because things were good, and what he would do when things got hard.

 

I miss some aspects of his personality--there are ones that I think balance me well-- he's more spontaneous, outgoing, "wild" than I am. The downside to that is irresponsibility, carelessness, lack of direction, and lack of concern for the emotions of others.

 

Besides missing his presence, I think it's 1) rejection. 2) loss of control. 3) being alone. 4) feeling lied to. 5) feeling disregarded/cast aside.

 

I'm not sure if these are long-term issues for me or ones that I'm more inclined to feel right now because I was very vulnerable when he came into my life.

 

and Tiernan, YES you are right. I *think* I will see him this week, but I am going to go back to "I can't be your friend" and just go back to NC. Every communication leaves me feeling worse than the one before.

 

I took three positive steps this weekend:

1) I accepted a breakfast date. I don't feel ready for a relationship, but this was a nice, single man and it was just breakfast, and it was fun.

2) I went to Yoga. IT really quiets my mind, which I think will stop me from thinking about him/the situation so much.

3) I put that damn tie into the goodwill bag.

[cat]

He's being passive aggressive. He's blaming you by saying you have reasons why this wouldn't be successful. Of course he's hoping your reaction is to tell him it's not true, that you love him and he's worth anything.

 

Well, one point for me. My response was "I'm not sure I agree with you but this isn't worth thinking about or talking about." OK, half a point maybe? I shouldn't have replied at all I guess.

 

Ugh telling him he's worth anything sounds so desperate. I'm SO GLAD I didn't do that. I have never once told him, in all of this, that I want him back. If he asked, I would say that there's no way he could do all the work it would take to get me back.

 

Also, if he asked, I would tell him that our relationship didn't end the day that he told me he was going back to his W. It ended the day before. He was angry at me for having a guy friend--casual pal, but someone he doesn't like-- and he said that I needed to go to counseling to figure out why I needed men falling all over me all the time to be happy. I about died. This was in regards to a friend I barely see. When he said that, I knew I would never be able to trust him again.

 

We "made up" and he left that day. Before he left, he asked me "do you still want to be with me?" I literally choked out the word "Yes." I should have said no. The reasons I didn't are probably for another post-- or my therapist!!

 

He's a big baby.

 

This made me laugh out loud. :laugh:

[CrystalCastles]

"We never would have been happy together long-term. You wouldn't have been able to deal with my character flaws and there are thing about you that I wouldn't have been able to deal with long-term. I was very, very happy in the short-term though."

 

You dumped him, right? So it sounds like he's saying "well, I was too good for you anyway". HA!

 

What a tool.

 

Thank your lucky stars you're not with him. That kind of "man" you don't need.

[cat]

you need to work on your self esteem.

because men cheat with woman that have low self esteem.

 

because they agree with whatever. and they can use them when ever they want for pleasures.

your story is not that special. its the same as many in here that open a topic in this section.

 

and the answer stays the same.

 

-stop the affair( and in your case the attention seeking true text and email about things that dont matter!).

-work on your self esteem.

-and learn a good lesson! never mess with men that are not single!

because its wrong messy and they will never be yours so this pain you feel

was already known by you from day one. because this men was already taken.

so he wasnt yours.

 

-move on , delete and trow all of the stuff and picture that you have of him.

and if needed change your phone number.

that will help you not to keep being busy with things like that.

 

Yes. I'm not disagreeing with you. I do have low self esteem. Low-ish. Low in some ways. Good in others. And I was NOT in a good place (vulnerable) when I met him. But just to clarify, he was not living with his wife when we started dating. We had met a couple weeks before that. Then he moved out, and he told me that the reason he moved out was to have a chance with me. Or, "to have a chance to be on my B list." Direct quote.

 

Ultimately, he decided I couldn't solve his problems and he left and went back. So, I'm not saying it was right or good, just that it was an atypical MM/OW situation. I never had the sneaking around/hiding part. We were wide open about our relationship. I really thought he would divorce. He still may, who knows.

 

And yes, he's a passive-aggressive idiot. I agree. Can I add another one to the list? I just remembered this one today. So... for some reason, the last several (5-7?) times we tried to have sex, he had some... performance issues. He said it was stress, guilt, performance anxiety or whatever. No big deal. But after we split, he said "I GUESS MY SUB-CONSCIOUS WAS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING." I was so shocked. I didn't say anything because it really hurt me that he would say that, but later I was like "Uh-uh! No you didn't! Don't blame that s*** on ME!"

 

But no, Seething and Crystal, ultimately he ended it. I should have, I didn't. He did.

Edited September 29, 2013 by cat
clarity, punctuation

[KentuckyGent]

Liar, manipulator, game player, crazy-maker. You can't get past him without complete NC. Do whatever it takes. Take it from someone who took forever to "get it". You're playing totally into his hands, giving him exactly what he wants---validation. He seems to take a bit of perverse pleasure in tearing you down and playing on your low self esteem. Each day that you have NC it gets easier. Each time you break NC takes you back to square one.

[Patrice]

The funniest thing is ... when you get out, and are doing well, they come sniffing aound again .. not sure why that is. I've learned over time, to realize what he was and is .. a manipulative baby who won't do what he needs to make himself happy. That isn't in any way my fault or problem. I think these people prey on vulnerability, come around when things aren't right for some reason in our own lives ..

 

I have learned over the last few years, that I cannot even try to maintain friendship with this person .. he was someone who filled a need of mine at a difficult time .. and someone who when I have healed, I really have no interest in.

[whichwayisup]

The funniest thing is ... when you get out, and are doing well, they come sniffing aound again .. not sure why that is. I've learned over time, to realize what he was and is .. a manipulative baby who won't do what he needs to make himself happy. That isn't in any way my fault or problem. I think these people prey on vulnerability, come around when things aren't right for some reason in our own lives ..

I have learned over the last few years, that I cannot even try to maintain friendship with this person .. he was someone who filled a need of mine at a difficult time .. and someone who when I have healed, I really have no interest in.

 

They must just know. I've read tons of situations on here, it's like instinct, they know their xOW are moving on and they can't take it, so they reach out in hopes the interest is still there. Then as soon as you (general you) react and show some interest, they disappear again. Ego feed!

 

Bolded part. That and pure selfishness, and not caring about anybody else's feelings.

[BruisedBNBroken]

I have blocked every form of communication that my exMM had to me. Short of literally showing up on my doorstep, he cannot get in touch with me. I am refusing to participate or engage with him for this very reason. He is just going to disappoint me, as he has proven over the years that he does not have on offer what I want or need from a partner.

 

Each time I start to miss the good things about him, the good times, I remind myself of this. That it's better to miss them, and remember them fondly, then to have contact with him and allow him to ruin even that by being inconsiderate, cruel, uncaring, etc.

 

I would die of starvation before I would reach out to him for ANYTHING. I know that he is not going to fulfill me, or make it better, or even be helpful, because he has proven that to me. That makes it easier for me to keep the communication lines blocked. I honestly have no desire to engage with him. In fact, I dread it - as I know it will have to happen at some point, even if it's just in passing on the street. It makes me almost ill to think that I have to ever engage with him on any level ever again because he is so disappointing.

 

I hope that you can find the balance that you need and move past it. Once you do, it's an amazing feeling.

 

Thank you for this. An amazing post. I took a screen shot of it so that every time I'm tempted to break NC, I can read it. Everything about it rings true - disappoinent after disappointment.