Unwanted divorce

[melissag]

Hi all,

 

My husband told me two days ago that he wants a divorce. We have definitely had problems, but I did not understand how serious they were to him. So for the past 4-6 weeks, he has been having terrible insomnia. (I was looking up all sorts of medical problems and worried about him.) It turns out that was because, unbeknownst to me, he was preparing himself for divorce. In his mind, since we had talked about the problems we have in the past, this should be no surprise. I am beyond hurt and angry that he had gotten to this point and didn't bring me into the fold. Not because he owed it to me (though I do think that a 13 year relationship deserves that) but because as a result of it, he has made a unilateral decision that forces me to destroy my children's lives. (They are 7 and 9, super happy, well adjusted kids with great self esteem.) He claims that decision was made because I said to him at some point during our marriage, "don't say the word divorce unless you mean it." So he took that to mean, don't even mention it until you've already decided and there is no turning back. Huh? If I ever did say that, which I do not recall, what I meant was, don't use it as a tool to be dramatic in a fight. So according to him, that's my own fault. Also, he has every right to make a unilateral decision because (his words) it's his life. No matter that he is affecting the lives of three other people (and then whatever ripple effect there is, which will be significant).

 

I spent about 24 hours trying to convince him, begging to give this another try. (I do honestly believe that we can work things out - to be honest, a lot of it is in my hands and I should have done something sooner to fix this.) He is at the point where he is so hurt and angry and resentful that he doesn't want to try. He says that he doesn't want to get hurt again. He also says he just doesn't love me anymore - he views me as someone who just hurts him. (I'm not sure how to reconcile the two statements, I just know that they are both very difficult to swallow.)

 

He has decided that it's time for him to be selfish. (His words.) I have asked him to consider a last ditch effort to save our marriage since, in my mind, the ideal situation is to be happy as a family unit, but he says no, he is not willing to do that. Not even for his children's sake. He is convinced they will be better off if we divorce. So right now, he is telling himself the story that (a) he will be happier on his own; (b) he will be a better parent to the kids if we are divorced; and © it might be a tough adjustment at first, but the kids will be perfectly fine in the long run.

 

I understand that right now there is nothing I can do or say that is going to make him want to make an effort at salvaging our marriage. i do not accept that yet (that's a lot to swallow), but I have to act accordingly, because it won't do me any good (and will probably do harm) to continue pushing. So I am starting to talk with him about how to move forward.

 

He is a good Dad. And he says that he is all about putting the children first, and that the better relationship we have, the better off the children will be. He wants to remain active in their lives and co-parent with me. He will not leave us high and dry. (I have not worked since my oldest was born 9 years ago.) He is willing to talk about our relationship, but is clear it will make no difference. His mind is made up, and it really only makes sense to talk about how things are going to work moving forward (i.e., out of this marriage.) We are not fighting right now. We are still living in the same house (though he is sleeping on the couch), and we have not told our children as we want to make sure we have everything figured out so we don't drag them along with a bunch of uncertainty. He is very civil and respectful in a surface way, as am I, but it is apparent that he is just emotionless about this whole thing, whereas right now I don't even know which way is up. (He is downstairs in the kitchen whistling as I write this.)

 

I am 100% anti-divorce, other than in cases of physical abuse, infidelity, etc. His parents divorced when he was about a year old, and his father went on to marry two more times. He definitely views divorce as a good option. (This was one of the main sticking points of our marriage, actually - I always felt that he had one foot out the door, so I was not able to meet his needs for fear of - well, exactly this. So it looks like that was a self-fulfilling prophecy.) He is also an easygoing, "everything will be fine" kind of guy, so I'm not sure he has truly considered the details of what is coming. Right now I think he is very hurt/angry and views divorce as a relief.

 

I have had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that goes away only for very short time periods (I'm talking minutes). I have not been able to sleep - I have chills, then I am super hot, I have indigestion, that terrible pit of the stomach feeling, and my mind is bombarded with thoughts flying from every direction with no order. I am holding up strong for the kids and putting on a happy face, and enjoying my time with them, but inside I am a complete mess. I am a problem solver by nature - but I can't solve this one. It is completely out of my control. I am unbelievably sad about the loss of this relationship (it feels like a death to me), I don't want to live alone, I don't want to parent alone, I don't want to only see my kids 50% of the time. I wonder will I ever love again, will I ever even feel like I can breathe again. I am mortified, embarrassed, humiliated, and filled with dread for the future. And those are just some of the things that I have to bury for now, because I can't even think about myself when I know what is coming for my children. My heart is BROKEN for them. They have no idea what is coming and I know it is going to crush them. And I can't do anything about it.

 

Logically speaking, I should just accept that my spouse no longer loves me, he has made his decision, and I need to move on. But how the hell do I do that? Our lives are so intertwined. Our children need a family. I don't want this to end. I am willing to go to the ends of the earth to make this work but he is not, and the pain of that is unbearable.

 

We are supposed to go on vacation for a long weekend starting Thursday. We are going with another family. My husband says he doesn't really want to go, as he could stay here and work instead, but he is willing to go for the kids. I don't know what to do. We are not going to be telling them anything before this vacation. Do I go alone with the kids and say Daddy has to work? Can I handle that? Will it be good for me to get away from him, or will I just be a wreck and not be able to function? Is it going to be torture? Do I have to tell the other couple what's going on? I am in the place where I am comforted by my husband's presence, yet I am extremely hurt by him. I want my children to have this vacation, and I want them to have their family.

 

I need a road map, some way to know how to get through this phase where I am completely wrecked, without making it any harder on me or my kids.

 

If you have read this far, thank you. Any insight is much appreciated.

[melissag]

Thanks, bk, for the response. No, there is nobody else. I shouldn't say that. There is no one in particular. I feel like at this point he would just tell me if there was - he's a decent guy and not sneaky like that. However, we are planning a trial separation (not to work on our marriage, but to have time to figure out custody arrangements, division of assets, etc. - we want to do this without lawyers or judges) and he specifically told me just now that he does not plan to do live with this arrangement but still be expected to act like he is married to me. I asked if that meant that he was planning to start dating next month and he said, "I don't know, maybe." He has told me he feels happy now that he has told me he wants a divorce. He finally feels free of the hurt that I am causing him, and I am sure that in his mind he is thinking how great his life is going to be, on his own, being free to date other women, etc. So I think that the lure of having some wonderful relationship with some other (undoubtedly perfect) woman is what is driving him to leave.

 

As a side note, is it possible that he is actually just completely happy and will continue to be so? Is is possible to be completely unemotional and unaffected by a divorce? I guess that's not my concern now.

 

I can't have no contact with him at the moment because he lives with me still, and even when he moves out, we have a lot of disentangling to do, and we both want to do so with as little conflict as possible, which means we are going to need to talk about those things. We have family things that we need to do (though I will probably take your advice on going on the trip alone), so at the moment my best plan is to put on a smile, act perfectly happy, and talk with him about plans to move on without discussing the past or my feelings.

 

I have no idea how people get through this. If it was just me, I think it would be very difficult, but I could do it. What is killing me is the kids and how this is going to hurt them. And, selfishly, that I will be spending less time with them. I'm devastated by the fact that I have to do this to them.

[carhill]

Here's a tip I learned from our MC:

 

1. People generally separate to get divorced, or, if they don't enter into it with that intention, divorce is what usually results.

 

Here's a tip I learned from my lawyer:

 

Don't try self-help with children and assets. It's too complex and mistakes made now can have devastating ramifications later on.

 

My advice:

 

Set up an appointment with a mediator for this week and get the basics on paper; what you and he agree to regarding dissolution. Then identify the areas of contention. That lays out the foundation of your work process. It will also indicate to each of you whether or not the basis for an amicable divorce without judicial intervention will be possible. You don't have to file for divorce to interview with a mediator.

 

Check your local court to see what kind of self-help and/or mediation referrals they offer. If self-help is available, those contacts will be able to offer procedural help and that interaction should indicate whether or not a lawyer would be a wise expense. They do not offer any legal advice.

 

One day at a time. If you think IC could help you during this process, avail yourself of it. A trained counselor can provide tools to process your feelings and the challenges which are in front of you. Good luck.

[melissag]

Thanks, Carhill. No, we won't just wing it with respect to making our own arrangements . . . we will have a mediator for sure. Just don't want to get lawyers involved.

 

I am looking for an individual counselor as well - I definitely need it. I need something.

[mikei880]

Some more tips... outside of your close friends and family your two best friends will be YOUR attorney, yes yours. And your therapist, find one. Your kids will be adjusted before you will, they will be fine! Do not argue with your ex, if you can't come to an agreement with him, walk away and contact your attorney. This is his decision, let him go and work on yourself. When my ex wife left it brought me closer to my daughter so the time together is more special. Get lots of sleep, avoid alcohol, from a custody standpoint do not date until the count date.excercise helps with the depression, stay busy doing fulfilling things and its ok to cry. When you find yourself asking why ,there is no answer. Take the high road and do it right and you will come out in the end just fine.

[2sunny]

What were the things he asked you to change?

 

Why didn't you listen to him and honor his request?

[2sure]

He is living in a fantasy land if he thinks that merely stating you intend to divorce , is remotely anything like actually being divorced.

 

He cannot make unilateral decisions. He can move out and divorce you of course, but that is only a decision about where he sleeps. The rest of those sort of decisions will not be made by him. He is not aware of that.

 

He cannot get a divorce without an attorney. It's possible sure, but when he realizes that the chld support, alimony, medical expenses, and retirement contributions aren't things he can pay how and when he chooses...he will need an attorney. You would be insane and neglectful if you didn't get an attorney first.

 

He will still be married next month, not single. He will be a married man sleeping on a relatives couch or in temporary housing. What a great catch. But he's happy about it now because he is living in fantasy land.

 

If you want to stay married, stop letting this man make decisions...if only because he Is , at the moment, an idiot.

 

See an attorney . Make your husband make a real decision, not based on day dreams.

[lindsay1990]

I have no advice. This just sounds awful and I send you my support. Something similar lesser degree of course happened with my ex and I. (We lived together). And as you say it was not actually a surprise because of the problems, I was definitely blindsided because I had no idea our relationship was hanging by a thread.

 

The only thing I *can* tell you is that this man was resolute and decided as well. I begged and pleaded and cried and guilted fo 23 days straight. By the end, he was surer than ever because the situation and the talking and the engaging just exacerbated any feelings he had.

 

What you say about your husband saying he sees you as somebody that hurts him, my ex said he would look at me sleeping and feel guilty for feeling he "hated" me while I "was there sleeping peacefully and looking all pretty". It is completely true when he says he has been hurt too much. Men don't say these things unless they mean it. I can tell you that if I could back in time, I WOULD NOT ARGUE WITH HIM and go live in a bridge the second I knew he meant business. This, to me, is the only shot you have. When a man reaches this point he WANTS nothing from you, as in he thinks you are already out for yourself and just pursuing your own selfish interests and agenda that will hurt them.

 

Hopefully you live in a jurisdiction that mandates a waiting period for divorce and he can cool off somewhat but LISTEN to him. I know I don't know the situation and I don't know him, but nearing the end of the 23 days my ex even said "All alooooong you haven't even believed me that I mean this, you thought you could just talk your way out of this, you didn't even believe we were really broken". Basically, as if I had acted as if what he said meant nothing. OBviously I was desperate and fighting for my relationship but really the only option is to prepare to leave him alone, and prepare to have him leave for good possibly.

 

But first alone. I'm sorry if this is too gloom, but it just struck a chord with me more than any other story here.

[Misadventure]

 

Logically speaking, I should just accept that my spouse no longer loves me, he has made his decision, and I need to move on. But how the hell do I do that?

 

You have some great advice here for many, and BK's first post is spot on.

 

many of us have felt and do feel what you are feeling. When I first came here, I was a mess. An on the floor, crying, what is going to become of me- mess.

 

I couldn't eat for 3 weeks..I vomited, had severe stomach issues, it hurt to eat...couldn't focus...by about a month and a half into things I started opening my eyes. Partly because of all of the the things he said and did.. but even at first I did close my eyes to some at first because I wanted to cling to the life I had and to him.

 

So a road map.. there is no sure road map except to go one day at a time.. some days.. one hour at a time...READ THE 180 on here. The No contact is FOR YOU... do it.. it does help so you can get out of the fog and start picking yourself up by your own bootstraps.

 

Read about the stages of grief.. and GO THROUGH IT.

 

Cry, yell, hit something, throw something.... a couple weeks ago when one of my dogs had diarrhea for days I used his shirts he left to clean it up instead of wasting paper towels. Small things make you smile.

 

Then do something good for you...spa day...hair..massage..nails. Something to make you feel good about you.

 

Rinse and repeat all this.. it gets better. It WILL still hurt.. and it does. You will probably cry alot... feel better and wake up and randomly cry 6 months from now..but it doesn't last forever.

 

For me, the pain has been hard..and mine is still fresh. The three month mark for me and I am going to a concert on the 3 month mark of the day I found him looking at apts, and blindsiding me...This has been very hard but I am not going to cry everyday, not anymore.

 

I have moments.. and you will too.. and that is normal..because we actually have feelings, a moral center and decency.