How do I end this?

[Diana123]

Hi, my story is not important. But I need some help and support so I can leave my married man. It's been over a year and a half now and it is slowly killing me.

When we first met he said he was separated. I found out the truth about six months in. We had done everything together, gone on holiday, I met his family, he stayed with me at least half the week. He claimed when I found out he had just got back with her.

 

 

I tried to break it off. I was so stupid. I could not ignore him. I fell in love with him as a single man. We got back together.

 

 

I hate the situation. A couple of times since I've tried to break it off again. I try to say why. How it hurts me so much he will not leave his wife. How it hurts I cannot meet his kids. How much it hurts we can't have a real relationship together. I tell him I want a real home with someone, a family. A normal life. I hate the shame of this. Being involved with a MM...

 

 

 

But each time I say this he goes cold and indifferent. It's exhausting emotionally. He acts like he doesn't care if I go. That I'm a drama queen. I will then go NC. But then he eventually comes back after about a week. He panics and is desperate to see me. I find it impossible to ignore him. And it starts all over again.

 

His wife knows about us, but he still spends loads of time with me. I feel so awful what I am doing.

I know the right thing is to go NC but I always fail. I can't bear the drama this will bring if I do this again. I don't know. I feel there is no point explaining why this is killing me.. Should I just disappear. Just suddenly not be here? I think I would find this easier. Just decide one day that is it?

 

 

He is going away soon for a couple of weeks. I don't know whether to not respond if he reaches out to me there, and not respond when he is back

 

 

I'm trying to tie up any loose ends while he is still here so he has no reason to get in touch when he is back.

 

This just hurts too much. And yes I'm bloody stupid to love him.

Edited September 29, 2013 by Diana123

[James-London]

I was just wondering about your feelings towards his wife and kids. Any feelings of guilt there at all?

[Diana123]

I was just wondering about your feelings towards his wife and kids. Any feelings of guilt there at all?

 

That's what I mean. The shame of it. I would never have got involved at all if I thought he was not separated. I lived in bliss for 6 months thinking I had found someone great following my divorce a couple of years ago.

 

I was stupid just not to go when I knew the truth. I stupidly let my heart rule my head.

[Diana123]

Why care if he goes cold? You want him out of your life, so who cares how he acts?

 

Or are you doing it as a threat, basically a 'it's me or her' thing? Do you want him to chase you?

 

He's telling you by calling you a drama queen that you don't mean that much to him. He's belittling your feelings. He doesn't care.

 

Tell him you're done, and then block him. Again, if he's cold, great. It means he won't bother you.

 

I don't do it as a threat. But when he gets cold and says I dont love him it is like a knife in me. If he said I understand, I know this hurts you, I would be okay. We have friends in common. He lives right near me. I want to end it as civil as I can. I don't want it to end bitter. I don't want to hate him. Just become indifferent one day. I know I will learn a big lesson from this, I don't want to feel I have been duped, that everything was a lie. That I have wasted this time loving someone. My divorce was amicable, I have never had a nasty split from any LTR. I don't want drama.

[Diana123]

If you stay with him, this won't change. You will be profoundly unhappy and you'll lose your self-respect.

 

If you maintain NC, you probably still won't be with him. There isn't a magical formula in these situations. Sometimes it is what is is and affairs usually end up that way.

 

End it. Go find a man who can be yours.

 

I don't want to be with him. I hate the way he chases me when I go NC. I wish he would leave me be. I don't want him to leave his wife for me. I would never trust him.

[2sure]

Think of all of your other relationships. With friends, with family, with your ex husband, old boyfriends. Any relationships that have no secrecy to be protected other than shared confidences. Basically all relationships except those based on secrecy and lies.

 

If one of your other relationships turned toxic , made you feel like crap about yourself, and included being decepted and being deceptive...what would you do?

 

If this was someone you loved? You would ask questions. You would find out the truth. You would ask this person and others close to them what was going on. You would have sit downs, blow outs, and you would make decisions and boundaries.

 

But none of that can apply here. Because you accepted the lies from nearly the beginning. The biggest part of your relationship revolves around the fact that because he is married , he is toxic to two people , lies to two people, and that's just the way it is.

 

You are frustrated and confused and it's makng you feel crappy about yourself because...there is no way to solve or even address this like you would any other relationship healthy or not .

 

It's a lie, the whole thing . When you try to combine it with what works in reality, it doesn't gel. It doesn't transfer or make sense. You can't make it OK.

[Diana123]

You care way too much about what he thinks. You want it over, so end it. Block him and don't worry about what he thinks. Do his thoughts dictate how you act? They are right now. I'm sure that's not what you want.

 

You can't control him. You can control you. If you want it over, just end it.

 

I do know that. As any OW or OM will tell you it is easy enough to say that. I was asking advice if anyone has ever just disappeared. Any advice around going NC. I have tried Talking and going NC. I cannot block if he comes around with friends and turns up on my doorstep. I cannot block calls here in the UK. I live around the corner.

 

And no he does not dictate how I act. But yes I am stupid I love him. Unless I cut my heart out with a knife that is not going to end with the click of my fingers.

 

I was asking for advice for people who have Ben in or are in a similar situation.

[Speakingofwhich]

Diana, you're in a good spot since you want this to be over and don't want him chasing you. You just need to learn to say, "no!" Maybe you need more strength. Have you thought of getting into IC and figuring out why you can't say, "no?"

[Diana123]

Think of all of your other relationships. With friends, with family, with your ex husband, old boyfriends. Any relationships that have no secrecy to be protected other than shared confidences. Basically all relationships except those based on secrecy and lies.

 

If one of your other relationships turned toxic , made you feel like crap about yourself, and included being decepted and being deceptive...what would you do?

 

If this was someone you loved? You would ask questions. You would find out the truth. You would ask this person and others close to them what was going on. You would have sit downs, blow outs, and you would make decisions and boundaries.

 

But none of that can apply here. Because you accepted the lies from nearly the beginning. The biggest part of your relationship revolves around the fact that because he is married , he is toxic to two people , lies to two people, and that's just the way it is.

 

You are frustrated and confused and it's makng you feel crappy about yourself because...there is no way to solve or even address this like you would any other relationship healthy or not .

 

It's a lie, the whole thing . When you try to combine it with what works in reality, it doesn't gel. It doesn't transfer or make sense. You can't make it OK.

 

Yep I know I can't make it okay. It doesn't make sense to me, the whole thing. And I know it will drive me crazy trying to work it all out...I ended a nine year marriage, just because we drifted apart. I've never had drama in relationships, or trouble dating. This one though, at my age in my 40s is just so stupid...

 

One of the problems is it has never really been a secret. We both know each other's friends. I know the wives of his male friends, a couple I even see out of the group. I met and know some of his family. That's why I never guessed at all he was not separated the first six months. We've seen each other at least every other day past year and a half. We've never sneaked around.

 

I know it makes me unhappy, I know I cannot continue living like this. And I know it is wrong.

 

I know I just have to disappear.

[Diana123]

I think everyone has been in a situation where they wanted out of the relationship but were struggling. I can see you only want OM/OW advice, so my apologies for posting. Best wishes and good luck!

 

Hey no worries. I know exactly what I need to do. It's the doing it. I know that makes me sound weak and feeble...and I know I am not that kind of woman....I just never ever thought I would be in a situation like this.....

[Diana123]

Diana, you're in a good spot since you want this to be over and don't want him chasing you. You just need to learn to say, "no!" Maybe you need more strength. Have you thought of getting into IC and figuring out why you can't say, "no?"

 

I wish I could but cash strapped at the moment and it costs a fortune here. When I do have enough pounds though I will. I hate him sometimes so much. It's all the conflicting emotions are just exhausting me. And the drama I know I will face when I do eventually go. But I know once I'm past that it will get easier as each day passes.

[Speakingofwhich]

It sounds to me as if you're at least halfway there. You know you need to end it, you want it to end and you don't like the drama! That's half the battle right there!

[2sure]

Oh honey, you just have to take better care of yourself for yourself by yourself. He isn't going to help you. You have to do it, you know this. I know its hard, I feel for you. You've done it before, muster it up and take care of yourself better than this. You are not happy.

[Diana123]

Oh honey, you just have to take better care of yourself for yourself by yourself. He isn't going to help you. You have to do it, you know this. I know its hard, I feel for you. You've done it before, muster it up and take care of yourself better than this. You are not happy.

 

Thank you. Im crying now as I write this. As he texts me, me knowing he is at home. Saying what programmes he's going to watch. We like the same stuff....Feeling so crap about it all. I wish I could wake up and none of this has happened. I feel such an idiot to have stayed in this situation. I know I have to cut him and many of our mutual friends off. I feel like screaming at him right now to be honest..but I know part of that anger is also directed at myself for allowing this to continue. And i deserve some punishment for that....

I think my best bet is to do it when he goes next week. Not say anything beforehand. That gives me 2 weeks of space. Communication, even internet and phone is difficult where he is going...I have an active life outside of him, a good job, many friends. I can keep myself busy, and busy when he returns...

We never argue except when it comes down to 'us' and this situation. He is loving and affectionate. I will miss that. But I know I can get all that one day with a man who is single and can have a real relationship with me.

He could sort out his home life but he won't. This life is not enough for me.

[2sure]

Yeah, you know everything that anyone here can tell you. I'm your age and dealing with my own shyte too. I KNOW the right answers, can take my own advice...but it's hard. Some things , there just isn't a way around.

 

You truly do know you can do this. I can read that. You want to do it too. I don't think there are any more ingredients.

 

Keep venting. You're not by yourself.

[ComingInHot]

Diana, you got duped I to this relationship. Not your fault.* You Stayed in this relationship. Totally your fault* lol, So Not saying the to be anything more than fact.

 

Here's the thing you Are Diana - aka = Wonder Woman

Sooooo ask yourself, WWWW Do??!?

 

I KNOW you've got it in you to get in your INVISIBLE jet, wearing your Lasso of Truth while Using your wrist deflectors of all thing MM!!

 

Funny? Maybe. Realistic? Heck ya!

 

Disappear and never look back Diana, you'll be so much happier!

[Goodbye]

That's what I mean. The shame of it. I would never have got involved at all if I thought he was not separated. I lived in bliss for 6 months thinking I had found someone great following my divorce a couple of years ago.

 

I was stupid just not to go when I knew the truth. I stupidly let my heart rule my head.

 

 

You are singing my song. I'm sorry. It is horrible, hurts like h*ll. Tell him you are done as long as he is married, and go NC. It is your only option, and it isn't much of one. Once you are NC, try and occupy your mind with better, healthier things. The upside is that you may find, over time, that you don't want him any more. I'm six months out, and I am healing. It hasn't been fun or easy. Like you, I was deceived. But, once you know the truth...the he IS married, you can't keep up the R. You need to draw the line and stay on your side.

[Patrice]

I have been out of the PA for over two years, and he lives 1200 miles away. He still tries to contact me and reel me back in. I have told him every which way I can that unless he is out of his marriage, I will not be around him. The latest attempts seem to center around his fear that I have moved on .. which I have. He is mentally bent on destroying my happiness at this point, and my peace. If he is aware of other men interested in me, he tries to interfere .. it's beyond the point of insanity now. I want him to leave me alone and I want to put the whole sordid things behind me.

[Patrice]

It has crossed my mind .. what stops me, is the shame I feel for getting reeled in, in the first place. NEVER, ever should have bought his lies .. last e-mail was a month ago, where he told me he despised me for refusing to engage with him. Oh well, I despise him for lying to me. Not going there anymore .. period.

[velvette]

I have been out of the PA for over two years, and he lives 1200 miles away. He still tries to contact me and reel me back in. I have told him every which way I can that unless he is out of his marriage, I will not be around him. The latest attempts seem to center around his fear that I have moved on .. which I have. He is mentally bent on destroying my happiness at this point, and my peace. If he is aware of other men interested in me, he tries to interfere .. it's beyond the point of insanity now. I want him to leave me alone and I want to put the whole sordid things behind me.

 

That's a pretty simple concept that Im sure he understands and does not need saying more than once.

 

Decide that this situation is unacceptable to you, tell him and ignore his attempts at contact. I really don't understand why you aren't angry that he lied to you this way.

[Goodbye]

I have been out of the PA for over two years, and he lives 1200 miles away. He still tries to contact me and reel me back in. I have told him every which way I can that unless he is out of his marriage, I will not be around him. The latest attempts seem to center around his fear that I have moved on .. which I have. He is mentally bent on destroying my happiness at this point, and my peace. If he is aware of other men interested in me, he tries to interfere .. it's beyond the point of insanity now. I want him to leave me alone and I want to put the whole sordid things behind me.

 

 

Patrice...I suspect my latest round from the exMM was exactly that...to see if I've healed, and if so, to open up the scabs. How is your exMM contacting you? How does he interfere with the men you are seeing? That is getting crazy.

[Patrice]

I met him on a political blog ... I am politically active and have many friends on there - many of us socialize in real life. The Ex lives in Atlanta and not near here. One man from the blog and I have been out many times .. we are terrific friends at the very least. Many of us got together at my house for a cookout, and they were talking about it on the political blog .. the exMM, got seriously angry, tried to interfere with the guy from here, told him on the blog to stay away from me etc ... the guy here knows nothing about what transpired two years ago. Needless to say, I can't participate there, when I do, he gets on immediately and tries to get my attention. I am in no fear that he will appear here ..

[Patrice]

He actually pretended on there that he had been up to see me ... and told the new man, that I had made him pancakes for breakfast .. I sometimes worry about his mental stability .. and why in the world, he can't let go and let me live my life. He is off FB, number changed .. I don't respond to e-mails. The one thing I have always enjoyed, he has tainted from afar .. it's like he is holding me hostage.