Should everyone expect their partner to cheat on them?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Bullocks! My dad is my mom's FIRST AND LAST everything and they've been together for over 30 years! Way before I was even born. It really depends on a lot of variables. Can she cheat? Of course! Has she cheated? NO.

 

While I don't believe in saying "I will never or he would never" that doesn't mean I have a negative nancy perspective going into things. If you expect it I believe it will manifest personally. I've cheated on one person in retaliation for being cheating on first when I was like 18. As a mature adult now, I sincerely hope whomever I marry will be from my 20s into eternity with complete fidelity. This is my aspiration and it's awful to have such low standards on ones self. Self control is a fruit of the spirit.

 

With all due respect, few children TRULY understand the ins and outs of there parents relationship or marriage.

 

My parents have been together for over 40 years and I found my dad printing out escort pages when I was 14...Before that I would have thought they had the perfect marriage.

 

Also when people on these forums talk about marriages in the past lasting a life time, quite often one or the other partner has forgiven or excused infidelities whereas people today immediately terminate a relationship once infidelity occurs.

 

I believe society allows or excuses male infidelity but denies female infidelity. As a woman, this is difficult because I HAVE been unfaithful and when in relationships, yes I am tempted to have sex with a new/different man/men. Society will tell me I am not allowed to feel this way. I believe this is why women lie more about this matter. We are simply not allowed to get away with it. As such it was almost easier for me to pretend it never happened. I didn't tell my family, friends or boyfriend. I simply cheated and carried on.

Edited November 16, 2013 by Nikki Sahagin

[nomadic_butterfly]

With all due respect, few children TRULY understand the ins and outs of there parents relationship or marriage.

 

My parents have been together for over 40 years and I found my dad printing out escort pages when I was 14...Before that I would have thought they had the perfect marriage.

 

Also when people on these forums talk about marriages in the past lasting a life time, quite often one or the other partner has forgiven or excused infidelities whereas people today immediately terminate a relationship once infidelity occurs.

 

I believe society allows or excuses male infidelity but denies female infidelity. As a woman, this is difficult because I HAVE been unfaithful and when in relationships, yes I am tempted to have sex with a new/different man/men. Society will tell me I am not allowed to feel this way. I believe this is why women lie more about this matter. We are simply not allowed to get away with it. As such it was almost easier for me to pretend it never happened. I didn't tell my family, friends or boyfriend. I simply cheated and carried on.

 

OK but do you know MY parents? You are projecting your experience onto mine. My family and I are SUPER CLOSE and my parents are my besties. We don't hide or cover up things. And I KNOW MY MOM. She in general grew up extremely sheltered and my dad sort of "rescued" her. She is extremely conservative and in our culture women are taught to pride and value their bodies. She also brought me to get birth control when I started having sex in my late teens and I tell her about every date I go on and can ask her for advice about anything. We are an open family.

 

A lot of people in general cheat and or get cheated on and forgive. I have done the forgiving and I've cheated once. I have never said their marriage was perfect (none is btw) but bottom line is that on her part, fidelity was NEVER an issue. You do know there are other dilemmas and disagreements outside of "cheating" right? The point is NOT EVERYONE cheats. End of story.

Edited November 16, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[regine_phalange]

If this is true, then I want to stay single forever.

[Shepp]

Personally yes, I think most people will cheat on there partner either sex/kissing/emotional attachment to someone else. I say this because I have cheated on an ex before and he never found out and I NEVER in a million years thought I would be a cheater.

So because you did, 'most' people will?

Saying that might make you feel better but it doesn't make it any less BS!!

 

 

It's almost impossible to avoid the temptation, even if you don't act on it. I think it is very hard to resist, even when deeply in love and I imagine it is similar for most relationship. Our society isn't geered toward monogamy (or mutual monogamy).

So you say but I find it pretty darn easy!!

[Spectre]

Men are biologically wandered to stray. I know very few men who can be satisfied with one woman sexually for the rest of their life.

 

I think you just know very few true men then, more like you know a lot of little boys. The fact is if you are truly in love with someone it isn't that hard to not stray. This of course doesn't mean you will never find other people physically attractive or anything like that. It also doesn't mean you might never see some attractive person on the street and maybe have a sexual fantasy about them, etc. Not in a way where you are considering cheating or anything, but that is just human nature I think.

 

But if you are truly in love? It's not very hard. I can see attractive women and think yes, they are attractive, and maybe if I was not in a relationship and was given the opportunity to be physical with this person something might happen. However, that is as far as it goes.

 

Since the truth is, as much as sexuality is a big part of what makes us human and even though some might not want to admit it, truth is? Yeah, when push comes to shove sex is not something impossible to resist, especially if you are in love with someone else.

[Spectre]

I believe society allows or excuses male infidelity but denies female infidelity. As a woman, this is difficult because I HAVE been unfaithful and when in relationships, yes I am tempted to have sex with a new/different man/men. Society will tell me I am not allowed to feel this way. I believe this is why women lie more about this matter. We are simply not allowed to get away with it. As such it was almost easier for me to pretend it never happened. I didn't tell my family, friends or boyfriend. I simply cheated and carried on.

 

I am sorry, but I find this all to be pure crap. I believe society might of once been like you claim in terms of female cheaters being looked down upon more, but for the most part I do not believe this is the case anymore.

 

Cheating men are not praised or easily let off the hook for their affairs. No more so then cheating women. I'm gender neutral when it comes to cheating, I do not care whether you have a penis or vagina, cheating is unacceptable no matter what.

 

The fact that you cheat on people and then disrespect them even further by not telling them..tells me an awful lot about the type of person you are(hint, it is not anything good).

[melell]

You know most of those studies and articles printed in various magazines would get ripped to pieces if they had scholarly reviews.

 

I think that in most cultures infidelity is expected from either gender, and it kind of normalized now. But that doesn't mean we should expect to be cheated on...

 

For me age is a big one, yes we are pretty likely to get cheated on/cheat in our 20's especially early 20's. Based only on friends and family I would say that these days that is the norm.

 

I do think that when people are older and get together it is much less likely to happen- people seem to start valuing relationships more, want kids etc.

I'd even go as far to say that individuals who don't value those sort of things, or don't idealize family life by mid-late 30's really stick out as not the 'norm'.

 

I also wonder about 'cheating', I mean does online flirting count??

 

I honestly think that if you're in a happy, healthy relationship then cheating is very very unlikely to happen, don't expect it.

If you are in a miserable relationship with glaring incompatibilities, then yeah, expect it, but remember the 'cheating' is more of a symptom. ---Lots and lots of people end up in miserable relationships/marriages.

[Spectre]

When it comes to online flirting, I would not say this is specifically cheating, but I would say it is inappropriate behavior. If you are truly in love with someone, you wouldn't really have any need to flirt with other people online..because why? What are you expecting to get out of it? If you are not getting enough attention to the point you want to flirt with others online then you need to talk to your partner about this.

Edited November 18, 2013 by Spectre

[karnak]

With all due respect, few children TRULY understand the ins and outs of there parents relationship or marriage.

 

My parents have been together for over 40 years and I found my dad printing out escort pages when I was 14...Before that I would have thought they had the perfect marriage.

 

Also when people on these forums talk about marriages in the past lasting a life time, quite often one or the other partner has forgiven or excused infidelities whereas people today immediately terminate a relationship once infidelity occurs.

 

I believe society allows or excuses male infidelity but denies female infidelity. As a woman, this is difficult because I HAVE been unfaithful and when in relationships, yes I am tempted to have sex with a new/different man/men. Society will tell me I am not allowed to feel this way. I believe this is why women lie more about this matter. We are simply not allowed to get away with it. As such it was almost easier for me to pretend it never happened. I didn't tell my family, friends or boyfriend. I simply cheated and carried on.

 

I congratulate you for being so honest and having the guts to talk about one of the gratest taboos of modern world: female infidelity.

It's amazing: in our 21st century the fact that a woman talks so "easily" about female infidelity still affects most people - men and women alike.

[Spectre]

I'm not sure how much congratulations she deserves. She admits to cheating and not being honest with her partner about it.

 

Or were you being sarcastic? If so sorry, it is hard to tell at times on the internet. If not, no there is nothing gutsy about what this woman is doing, it's actually the opposite. It's easy to talk to strangers on the internet about this, it takes guts to talk to the people in your life who will actually be affected by this. I find this woman to be a coward for not being honest with the people she betrayed.

Edited November 18, 2013 by Spectre

[Spectre]

Eh, the whole "boys will be boys" thing seems so old fashioned. I see cheating husbands getting smeared just as much as cheating wives these days, even if it doesn't happen a lot on this website.

 

All those men claiming they are in love with their wives but having affairs? Yeah..well, I'm guessing they do not actually know what it means to be in love.

 

I'm not trying to justify any of it, cheating is wrong and horrible and whatever genitals you have are no excuse.

[Spectre]

For most women this statement is true. You don't understand the male nature. They can be in love with a woman and f*** another one with no problem as long as she is exciting or hot to him. I wish this sex difference wasn't real but I prefer to not live in denial or fantasy land.

 

I don't see how I don't understand the male nature since I am one and I am telling you I could never sleep with another girl if I was in love with someone. It's never happened to me..it never will.

 

I get where you are coming from, for a long time I thought every girl I would ever be with would cheat on me sooner or later, etc. But I think/hope there are some genuine people out there.

[Woggle]

Have you been with someone for over 3 years? Its easy to say that in the beginning of a relationship. Those "in love" chemicals wear off over time.

 

I have been with somebody for seven years and I still have no desire to cheat.

[Spectre]

Have you been with someone for over 3 years? Its easy to say that in the beginning of a relationship. Those "in love" chemicals wear off over time.

 

I have indeed been with someone over 3 years. Also I am sorry but, I think you are wrong. These "chemicals" that wear off..ok, maybe sometimes a relationship can cool down, but if it is true love? No, it doesn't just fade after a certain amount of time. I'm sorry if your experiences so far have told you otherwise. I hope one day you come to find out differently.

 

The fantasy is, I think, that people are just so utterly sex crazy that we just can't control ourselves. I think no sorry, even when I was a teenager when some say you are at your absolute horniest there was never ever a moment where I could not truly control myself when it came to sex with another person. Are these things easy? No, but you kind of do them if you love someone. It doesn't take all my self control to not sleep with a hot chick if given the chance if I am in love with someone else.

Edited November 19, 2013 by Spectre

[Kate9292]

With all due respect, few children TRULY understand the ins and outs of there parents relationship or marriage.

 

My parents have been together for over 40 years and I found my dad printing out escort pages when I was 14...Before that I would have thought they had the perfect marriage.

 

Also when people on these forums talk about marriages in the past lasting a life time, quite often one or the other partner has forgiven or excused infidelities whereas people today immediately terminate a relationship once infidelity occurs.

 

I believe society allows or excuses male infidelity but denies female infidelity. As a woman, this is difficult because I HAVE been unfaithful and when in relationships, yes I am tempted to have sex with a new/different man/men. Society will tell me I am not allowed to feel this way. I believe this is why women lie more about this matter. We are simply not allowed to get away with it. As such it was almost easier for me to pretend it never happened. I didn't tell my family, friends or boyfriend. I simply cheated and carried on.

 

I have the same temptations, but only cheated in my first relationship, though did some things that some more sensitive folks might consider cheating in next one. Maybe it would be best for us to talk to our partners about open relationships right off the bat?

 

Or would it be shunned too?

[carhill]

I don't see how I don't understand the male nature since I am one and I am telling you I could never sleep with another girl if I was in love with someone. It's never happened to me..it never will.

 

I get where you are coming from, for a long time I thought every girl I would ever be with would cheat on me sooner or later, etc. But I think/hope there are some genuine people out there.

You make a good point, underscoring that men are all different, psychologically, and that generalizing that men can have sex with other women and still love their partner is just that, generalizing. Outliers to that generality can find good information within it, as people in general like generalities, women included and, since most men are seeking out average, or 'general' women, understanding that women have that general opinion of men and have feelings about it, is good information.

 

Also, having read the latter part of the thread, I'll opine that, generally, 'cheating' covers a myriad of behaviors, of course with sex amongst them, that are inappropriate to and deceptive of committed relationships. These other behaviors, far more so than sex, are why I came to have my opinion about and perception of the topic, and am not surprised when someone 'cheats' or is 'unfaithful'. Humans are complex creatures and expectations often lead to disappointment. Ideals are laudable and, if having sex with others while in a committed relationship defined what 'cheating and 'affairs' are, my opinion would parallel Woggle's, in that I've never cheated nor had an affair. My exW would have a markedly differing opinion on that topic. Such are the vagaries of human nature.

[worldgonewrong]

I believe society allows or excuses male infidelity but denies female infidelity. As a woman, this is difficult because I HAVE been unfaithful and when in relationships, yes I am tempted to have sex with a new/different man/men. Society will tell me I am not allowed to feel this way. I believe this is why women lie more about this matter. We are simply not allowed to get away with it. As such it was almost easier for me to pretend it never happened. I didn't tell my family, friends or boyfriend. I simply cheated and carried on.

 

You want society to pat you on the back for being a cheater?

 

Good Lord...

[Shepp]

For most women this statement is true. You don't understand the male nature. They can be in love with a woman and f*** another one with no problem as long as she is exciting or hot to him. I wish this sex difference wasn't real but I prefer to not live in denial or fantasy land.

 

Such bull!!

I think you don't understand the male nature!! ....No ne does! All anyone can do is speak for themselves! I wish people would throw around great big sweeping statements like facts!

 

I'm a guy, a male and your telling me I can "be in love with a woman and f*** another one with no problem as long as she is exciting or hot to" me! Well I think I know myself better! So that's bull - fact!

I could be stuck in a elevator with Cheryl cole and I wouldn't cheat (in fact ESPECIALLY if I was stuck in an elevator with Cheryl cole because id be having a little claustrophobic-suffocating-attack) but whatever the circumstance I couldn't because I couldn't look the man in the mirror in the eye!!

[Shepp]

Have you been with someone for over 3 years? Its easy to say that in the beginning of a relationship. Those "in love" chemicals wear off over time.

 

For you maybe....for me nope!

[BHsigh]

Hmm, interesting question. But I would have to say, yes, I fully expect my partner to cheat, and now I always will.

 

Perhaps it's because of my family's history, a lot of affairs and betrayals there, it could be that my dad had an affair and ruined any chance of me having a normal chidhood, and then marrying his OW and acting like their one kid and two grandchildren are more important than his first three kids and 9 grandchildren, maybe it's because my wife had a 6 month affair with a friend and that was the last thing that I ever expected her to do.

 

I don't know what it is, but I will never, ever fully trust anyone to treat me right ever again, partner or friend, family or not, ever. My maximum trust level now is at a 50%.

 

My motto in life is, I expect it to happen, so prove me wrong, not right.

[Spectre]

Hmm, interesting question. But I would have to say, yes, I fully expect my partner to cheat, and now I always will.

 

Perhaps it's because of my family's history, a lot of affairs and betrayals there, it could be that my dad had an affair and ruined any chance of me having a normal chidhood, and then marrying his OW and acting like their one kid and two grandchildren are more important than his first three kids and 9 grandchildren, maybe it's because my wife had a 6 month affair with a friend and that was the last thing that I ever expected her to do.

 

I don't know what it is, but I will never, ever fully trust anyone to treat me right ever again, partner or friend, family or not, ever. My maximum trust level now is at a 50%.

 

My motto in life is, I expect it to happen, so prove me wrong, not right.

 

I just mentioned this in another thread, but I will mention it here too: this is why cheating is such an awful thing. It impacts a persons romantic future with others. Not only have you devastated this person by cheating, but your behavior has also messed with their head so much they will fully expect every person to betray them in the end, which is a horrible way to live. Or at the very least it will cause trust issues, which means now they might mistrust a person in the future who is a genuinely a good person who'd never betray you.

 

One of the worst things too is when you have been cheated on by someone else in the past and your partner knows this and knows how much it hurt you and then just does the same thing to you anyways.