Says she's ending it with me (3rd time this has happened in a month)

[cm00]

You each fulfill an ego need of each other. She is insecure as she is ageing and enjoys thw attention of younger man to validate her self esteem, esp with many failed eelationships.. You possibly like the trophy aspect.. U may never have had great sex bwfore and xou like it.. But from now on make sure it is safe sex..u both should get tested. You both like the attention

 

I've been tested just recently, had results two days ago, all clear.

 

Yeah I think she does enjoy the attention and confidence boost she gets from having a younger man so interested in her. Obviously, because all of her friends know about me. She has said things to me before like "You shouldn't be interested in me, I'm an old hog". But then I boost her self esteem too through the compliments I give her.

 

Ever since I sent those texts, that she wasn't so attractive to me any more. (because of how she treated me on Saturday night and that she'd taken a guy back to her flat) She has been completely different and apologetic and trying to keep on good terms with me. Sending a kiss at the end of a text, something she hasn't done for ages, what's that about? To me, it seems like she's trying to keep my interest level in her way up, she feared she had lost my interest.

 

This would explain why she tries to make me feel special by letting me know she is only sleeping with me. She doesn't want me to lose interest. The thing I wonder, is that because she might really want more from me, or is it just because she enjoys the self esteem boost she gets from having a man such as myself interested in her?

Edited November 20, 2013 by cm00

[cm00]

Starting to wonder if she sees me as a trophy. Sounds that way from the reading I've done on it. I mean, I've seen her brag about me, sometimes it's even just us alone and she's bragging about certain aspects of me which I've no doubt she tells her friends.

[Acacia98]

Here's the most recent update. I've met someone else and she doesn't like it...

 

Can anyone make sense of all of this? This woman I've been posting about this whole time, does she even know herself what she wants from me? It seems like she doesn't. Do you think the fact that I've now met someone else has made her realize she actually doesn't want to lose me? She is only sleeping with me, and never does anything that could make me jealous. I'm her only love interest.

 

In short: She made it clear to me she wants me to find someone else. So I did. I told her only positive things about this new girl, she should be happy for me? No, she is trying to put me off the new girl.

 

I've been reading this entire discussion from the very first page onwards with interest. When I read that she was ok with you seeing other women and would help you choose the right one for you I burst into laughter. She was definitely BSing you. I dated a guy who pulled the same thing on me in my early 20s. You'd better believe I learned my lesson from that experience.

 

Look, this woman is manipulating you and using you. But, for the longest time, you've chosen to believe everything she tells you and to be an open book to her. First of all, that stuff about her not wanting a relationship is a bunch of lies. She wants a relationship alright. She wants a relationship where she gets everything she wants from you (sex, companionship, a confidant), but you don't get what you want from her (love, commitment). Forget this emotionally unavailable story she's been feeding you. She's a self-centered woman. She's also unstable, confused, and clearly does not have the capacity to make emotionally healthy decisions. But the self-centered element of her character trumps all of that. She will always get what she wants. And as long as you continue to be a pushover, contorting yourself into all sorts of ridiculous shapes to give her what she wants, you will be the one she exploits.

 

If you two were really just FWBs, you'd be meeting up periodically for sex then going back to your regular routines. You wouldn't be confiding in her about the women you were seeing and asking for her advice. She wouldn't be telling you why this, that and the other woman were wrong for you. Heck, she wouldn't even be interested in knowing about them. And all that stuff about using her friends to 'test' you at the beginning of the relationship, that is simply proof that she is one master manipulator. Believe me when I say that this is not normal. Relationships are not supposed to be this complicated, nor are FWB arrangements.

 

Anyway, here's my advice to you: Break up with her. You've been enduring this drama for too long already. You are a guy who wants a loving relationship with a woman who gives as much as she takes. Instead of going out and looking for this, you've managed to convince yourself you can't live without this woman. You need to start seeing other women. Preferably, women with minimal drama. And when you start dating these other women, please don't be one of those guys who kisses and tells. What happens between you and a woman should remain between the two of you. Don't go confiding in a so-called FWB about any other woman you sleep with or like.

 

You'd better get all your stuff out of her place before you break up with her. And you'd better become a closed book to her. Change your socializing habits. If she has the keys to your place, change the locks. Because she clearly has a jealous streak, and who knows what she's capable of doing when she ultimately decides you have hurt her unbearably. This woman you're dealing with is way too complicated for you to truly understand.

 

By the way, the dude who pulled the same stunt on me when I was in my early twenties: I went NC (no contact) on him many years ago. But he has never really respected that and is constantly trying to find out where I am and to reach out to me. In other words, he has the makings of a stalker. I'm only telling you this because this situation you're in has the potential to become dangerous.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Acacia98

[cm00]

I don't know what to make of that though after what happened recently. She has told me she can't handle friends with benefits, so that is now over. But she says she wants to be friends with me. The thing is she's aware that I like her a lot, not much I can do about that now. It was when I got pissed with her and told her she's not so attractive to me any more that she became all apologetic in an attempt to keep my interest in her going.

 

I can't avoid seeing her out. I live in a small town and there's only a few places to go, and only one place after midnight. She knows she has a good chance of finding me there on a weekend. So she now goes there often. She knows I'll be assuming that she only goes there because she can find me there, so her excuse as of just a few days ago was that she really shouldn't be going there but I'm there and I need someone to look after me.

 

I admit I'm confused at this stage. I'll try to sum up the reasons

 

She says friends with benefits is over, she can't handle it.

 

She wants to stay on good terms with me

 

She is aware that I like her a lot and also aware that it's not helping me to move on by seeing her. Yet she comes to where she'll find me out.

 

She insists that I'm the only person she has been sleeping with, even now friends with benefits is over, she still makes sure I know that she isn't sleeping with anyone else. She was willing to lie to try to hide that she took that guy back to her flat last weekend. She actually told the truth the night before when I asked her, but the following day she forgot she had told me and tried to hide that she had taken someone back. I don't know how to take that. Lying is obviously very bad. But she told the truth in the first place then forget she had done that and tried to cover it up. She claims she didn't sleep with him, I think I can believe it.

 

Now that FwB is over and I caught her out being dishonest, she has started putting X's at the end of text messages again, she stopped doing that ages ago. She is surely aware that the sudden addition of kisses at the end of messages is going to give me hope again?

 

I'm sure there's more I haven't thought off. But like I said now I'm a little confused. Why is she suddenly being so different? Probably because she realizes she pushed me too far last weekend. But does this mean she suddenly realizes she likes me more than she thought or is this just manipulation in an attempt to keep my interest in her high and keep this going?

 

I'm not so sure she knows what she is doing, is she confused? I'm certain that her seeing me with the younger girl hurt her quite badly and she brought that on herself. Not so masterful manipulation.

Edited November 20, 2013 by cm00

[cm00]

Something else I realized. We're not together any more. Friends with benefits is over. So I have no right to know about what she does and with who. But she seemed apologetic and eager to keep me interested so I went for it with the text that I already mentioned and tried to find out if she had slept with that guy or not. She had told me prior that he came back just for coffee and she did not sleep with him but changed her story the next day claiming he did not know where she lived. So I asked her about it.

 

My text to her was

 

"I'm glad we had that conversation but one thing is bugging me. You told me that guy didn't know where you lived and when I said you already told me you took him back you went quiet. What you do is up to you. But I was honest with you when you asked me the same thing. As you tried to make out he didn't know where you lived I now think you had more than just coffee with him. This is doing my head in that you might not have been honest with me. After this why would I think you only had coffee with him. Be honest with me if you want us to be friends."

 

Her response

 

""You are right. I am sorry he did come back for coffee and that was it. He left as I did not feel that way about him. Sorry I told you different. I know if I had slept with him it is up to me but you are right I will be honest with you. X"

 

Remember I'm only supposed to be friends with her now. It's really none of my business. You would think if she wasn't interested in me she would reply something along the lines of "it's none of your business". And then obviously I would assume she slept with him and not bother with her any more. But this was her response. And that was the first time she put a kiss at the end of a text in ages.

 

She tells me friends with benefits is over as she can't handle it. I don't know where I stand now. Again she has started with the "you need to move on and find somebody else" Yet going by the last few texts, she is trying to keep me interested in her.

 

One thing I've noticed with this woman, the more interest I show, the colder she becomes, and less interested in me. If I show less interest in her, she warms, and tries to get my interest in her going again, especially so when she thinks I've lost interest entirely. And telling her I don't find her so attractive any more really got her worried it seems, she turned from cold to hot so fast. Given this information can anyone advise me on how to handle this if I want to keep it going?

Edited November 21, 2013 by cm00

[Acacia98]

Remember I'm only supposed to be friends with her now. It's really none of my business. You would think if she wasn't interested in me she would reply something along the lines of "it's none of your business". And then obviously I would assume she slept with him and not bother with her any more. But this was her response. And that was the first time she put a kiss at the end of a text in ages.

 

You do realize how twisted this sounds, though, don't you? You're focusing so much on how wrong her behavior is for the situation that it doesn't occur to you to question your own behavior. Why on earth are you asking her about something that's supposed to be "none of your business" under the circumstances? You are playing a role in keeping this unhealthy relationship going. It's not all her.

 

Every aspect of her behavior towards you (as you describe it) is manipulative. She really likes having you at her beck and call and will do anything to keep you there. She's noticed that the tactics she's long been using are not working anymore. So she's changing tactics to keep you in your little cage. That's what all this new 'openness' is all about. The minute you relax and stop being aloof towards her, she will go back to being her usual self.

 

Believe you me, you're still in a relationship with her. Whether or not you're sleeping with her, you're still giving her access to you and spending a heck of a lot of time thinking about her.

 

One of the things that's keeping you two together is the fact that you have this deep need to 'really understand' her. So, instead of reacting to the way she treats you with anger, you tend to turn it into a mystery you have to solve. You think "I wonder whether she's doing this because xyz..." And you've managed to convince yourself that she does everything she does because, deep down inside, she must really love you. And then you invest much of your energy trying to dig deep into her mind to find proof of that love. The irony here is that you don't really have the tools to understand her (i.e. training in psychology). You're also too close to her. So you can't view her behavior objectively. You'd be better off spending all that time trying to dig into your own mind and to understand yourself. One of the questions you should ask yourself is why you are so willing to sacrifice your own desires for someone who has not shown the capacity to care about you.

 

The only way for you to really move on is to disengage 100%. That means no texts, no phonecalls, no friendship. And I do strongly recommend that you change your social life. If that means not going out to your favorite spots at night for a couple of months, so be it. Do something different. Entertain your friends at your home or visit them at theirs, do early evening dates rather than late night outings. Just get yourself away from this woman long enough to remember who you are, what you like, what matters to you, what you want out of life, etc.

 

One thing I've noticed with this woman, the more interest I show, the colder she becomes, and less interested in me. If I show less interest in her, she warms, and tries to get my interest in her going again, especially so when she thinks I've lost interest entirely. And telling her I don't find her so attractive any more really got her worried it seems, she turned from cold to hot so fast. Given this information can anyone advise me on how to handle this if I want to keep it going?

You seriously want to keep this going, knowing full well that the only way to keep her interested in you is to pretend to be something you're not and to manipulate her by pushing her away? You do realize that, with relationships, what you see is what you get, right? That means that things are not going to get better. Unless perhaps you both get some much needed counseling, reset your priorities, and somehow manage to start everything from scratch. And, even then, there are no guarantees.

Edited November 22, 2013 by Acacia98

[cm00]

I'm aware of how it sounds that I asked her that, because I mentioned it first. The thing is, we were supposed to be friends with benefits at the time. And she had asked me the same question just one week earlier. On top of that, she dropped herself in it, trying to hide that he knew where she lived when she had admitted the truth to me the night before. So it was a bit of a grey area for me to ask, but I asked and she obviously wants to keep this going or she would have said "it's none of your business".

 

There is a good chance this is manipulation on her part. In the past when we had disagreements, I would text her on Sunday for example. Within a few hours if no reply, I would add something else in a second text. It ended up with her always getting her way and me looking like the one in the wrong.

 

But I've stopped doing this. The last Sunday morning I got my view across in one message and ended it with this is over, you've really put me off you this time. As expected she did not text back. But then in the evening I got a text from her, asking for permission to call me, so she could explain everything. She was then very apologetic to me on the phone for a good 30 minutes. Obviously after waiting all day to see if I would send further texts she decided I meant what I said. It's during that conversation she dropped herself in it with that lie she told.

 

8am monday morning I text her about that. She hates it when I text her on a weekday during work hours, and monday morning? I wouldn't dare do it before. This is why my way of saying I don't give a crap if you don't like it. I text her 8am monday and brought up the lie she told. I already wrote what I put. She did not text back all day, she waited until 9pm to reply. Obviously waiting to see if I would send further texts, which I did not. So I got a very apologetic reply and a kiss, that was the last thing I expected.

 

So yeah it does look like she learned she could manipulate me in certain ways and has now realized that isn't working any more. I'm just going to stop chasing her and see what happens. If it all ends up the same way and she continues her tricks she'll be getting a text from me that she really won't like and that will be the end of it.

Edited November 22, 2013 by cm00

[Acacia98]

I genuinely wish you the best. Being able to see beyond all the smoke and mirrors and recognize manipulation for what it is can be truly liberating.

[cm00]

I genuinely wish you the best. Being able to see beyond all the smoke and mirrors and recognize manipulation for what it is can be truly liberating.

 

Although this is manipulation, isn't it something that many women are guilty of doing? I put this woman on a pedestal because I liked her so much, and when you do that many will walk all over you and have no respect for you.

 

By standing my ground and telling her things like "you're not so attractive any more" I've taken her off the pedestal, and suddenly her behavior is completely different. I actually told her, "You're not so attractive any more. Have a great life, your loss". Apparently that was the right thing to say. Since all this she has been more respectful.

 

I'm just wondering if providing I keep her off the pedestal and don't put up with her disrespecting me if this could actually work. Just wondering if i've done this to myself by putting her on a pedestal. Yeah I like her a lot, but in reality, she should feel lucky for having someone such as myself interested in her at her age. And it's not like she has anything else to offer me, she isn't wealthy, lives in rented accommodation. I'm well off and own a house and have no trouble getting women. I just happen to have taking a special liking to this one woman.

Edited November 25, 2013 by cm00

[Acacia98]

Although this is manipulation, isn't it something that many women are guilty of doing? I put this woman on a pedestal because I liked her so much, and when you do that many will walk all over you and have no respect for you.

 

By standing my ground and telling her things like "you're not so attractive any more" I've taken her off the pedestal, and suddenly her behavior is completely different. I actually told her, "You're not so attractive any more. Have a great life, your loss". Apparently that was the right thing to say. Since all this she has been more respectful.

 

No. She's not manipulative because you put her on a pedestal. She's manipulative because she's manipulative. Period. It's part of her psychological make-up, most likely the result of her upbringing in a family where manipulation was the standard form of communication. In other words, a dysfunctional family. She may very well have endured neglect or abuse growing up.

 

If the only way to have her respect you is to be cruel to her and to deny her affection, then you're essentially proposing being emotionally abusive to her. Apart from the fact that that would obviously be messed up, it is problematic in another big way: Instead of you bringing your own values and sense of what is right and wrong to the table, you would be allowing her to script you into playing some abusive role that somebody in her past used to play. Why would you want to do that? We all have dysfunctions, you know? If you're gonna be dysfunctional in a relationship, then you had better be dysfunctional while you're being you. Acting out some other person's dysfunctions because it's what keeps her happy sounds like a waste of your time and energy to me.

 

There are plenty of women out there who will treat you wonderfully when you treat them wonderfully. Don't buy into the ridiculous notion that all women are manipulative and this situation is normal. It's not normal.

 

I'm just wondering if providing I keep her off the pedestal and don't put up with her disrespecting me if this could actually work. Just wondering if i've done this to myself by putting her on a pedestal. Yeah I like her a lot, but in reality, she should feel lucky for having someone such as myself interested in her at her age. And it's not like she has anything else to offer me, she isn't wealthy, lives in rented accommodation. I'm well off and own a house and have no trouble getting women. I just happen to have taking a special liking to this one woman.

Once you start saying stuff like the words in bold, it's a clear sign that you are done. It really is time to move on. If you linger too long, you will start being emotionally abusive towards this woman and hating yourself.

[cm00]

I know she told me that she has been bankrupt before, years ago, her and and her ex husband were £100,000 in debt. They divorced. She took half the debt and declared herself bankrupt. Surprised that she told me something like that really. She's 46 and has no kids and can't have kids any more. The only thing she really has to look forward to in life is her inheritance, as her parents own a big house and it'll be split between her and her brother and sister.

 

Her parents are much older, in 80s, as she was the last born when her parents were 36 years old. Similar story to me. I was the last born when my parents were 40. I have a 45/43 year old brother and sister and my parents are 70 even though I am only 29 years old.

 

She never had kids, she smokes and drinks often. Although I don't want want kids either. I don't know why I'm so damn attracted to this woman, I just don't understand it. I've got a 19 year old girl who has completely fallen for me, has many more good years ahead of her, gives me the option of children, doesn't smoke or drink, hard working, gorgeous and always makes herself available to me and is so sweet to me, she's Slovakian, very pretty. Yet I want this 46 old woman who isn't treating me well. I wish I understood why I feel so strongly for this older woman. Can it be as simple as I met the older woman first and she said all the right things to get me to fall for her?

Edited November 29, 2013 by cm00

[BC1980]

Sometimes, it's just human nature to want what you can't have no matter how shytty it is.

[cm00]

I need some advice. I text her on Wednesday and asked what she was doing on the weekend, I asked to see her. She replied that she isn't making any plans for the weekend as she has a cold.

 

"I am full of cold at the moment so not great company so not going to plan anything this weekend. Want to curl up and hide, sorry." I told her that's okay and hope she gets better soon.

 

She replied "Don't want to give you this awful cold. Just need to shake it off"

 

That was all on Wednesday. Tomorrow is Saturday. I am considering texting and saying "Hi dear. Are you feeling any better?" Trouble is I really don't know if I should text her. She has accused me in the past of making her feel pressured and texting her tomorrow after she already said no to making plans for this weekend could look either pushy, or needy, which will work against me. Or will it not look as bad as I am imagining?

Edited November 29, 2013 by cm00

[cm00]

What do you make of this? She text this to me earlier

 

"I am sorry but you have to move on and I am trying to help that for you"

"You will thank me one day x"

 

I replied, quite a long text, told her how special it was that it felt we had such a strong mutual attraction, but ended it with this "If it's that you're not really interested in me just tell me and I will lose all interest in you".

 

She said she wants me to move on right? I just gave her a chance to say something that would make me move on as I don't want a woman who isn't interested in me. She should have told me no i am not interested. I did not expect the response she gave.

 

"I have a problem and that is you are a temptation to me but I have to let you move on as I am no good for you. As much as it is sooooo good I really have to let you go and it kills me. Honestly. X"

 

How do I take this? On one hand, maybe she's just doing the noble thing and doesn't want to keep me from meeting a younger woman who can have children. But, if that was the case, she should have just told me she isn't interested in me because I told her that's what I need to hear to move on. Instead she told me the opposite, she's very interested in me, and doing this for my own good. I had this conversation with her once before and I told her that putting me before her own needs just makes me want her more. I bet she remembers that.

 

I was about ready to finish it because it seemed like she wasn't interested. She has really stoked the flames by saying that. Does it seem like she is trying to get me to be interested in her?

 

She will come to where she can find me on a night out. She's aware that when I see her out it's not helping me to move on. And after what she just text me, how could I move on when I see her out? There is going to be intense tension now when we see each other out because she just gave away that she has strong feelings for me.

 

Any other opinions on this?

Edited December 2, 2013 by cm00

[cm00]

Is this a game to keep me interested? She realized I had just about lost interest in her due to how she has been acting so she has now said all that to keep it going. That we want each other badly but it just can't be because she is no good for me? This feels like an intense game of playing hard to get and she doesn't want me to lose interest, because as always, whenever it seems like I've lost interest, she finds a way to get it back. And we end up sleeping together again. She did after all once say to me "Are you only so interested in me because you want what you can't have?"

 

I don't know what she wants. She probably likes the attention. She probably likes to meet up with me spontaneously but doesn't want anything concrete. Maybe she realizes that by behaving this way it's making the sex bloody awesome.

 

Could she actually be playing hard to get because she is genuinely interested in me? Men just like that are hard to get, they don't usually settle for one who is too easy. Some women play hard to get on purpose to get the man they want.

Edited December 2, 2013 by cm00