Six Year Relationship (Walking on Eggshells)

[jba10582]

I was in a relationship with a girl (Emily) for six years. A lot of our relationship was blissful and we had a lot of shared interests and spent a lot of quality time together doing things we both really enjoyed. Riding bikes, visiting parks,going to zoos, aquariums, day trips, barbeques, weddings, going to the gym,alligator parks, six flags ect.. We lived in several different cities that we moved to and enjoyed the things outside of work. She was the one I knew I wanted to grow old with.

 

Amidst this were also a lot of stressful things during that time such as grad school,and very stressful jobs with a militant boss, and another job with extremely long work hours. She helped out during this time and helped to relieve some of the venting especially with the job with the militant boss and always helped medo mock interviews to get out of my own abusive work situation.

 

There were times in our relationship where I had blown up in anger at her. I had punched holes in the wall on several occasions, threatened her, held a chairover her head, and shoved her against the wall once. One day, I was so stressed out from work (although not directed at her but at God), I punched a hole in the ceiling and broke the cross on the wall, because I did not want to live like I was, and was nearly ready to put a bullet in my own head because of where things were at in life. It felt like I was working so hard and so many hours and being treated like my job was was a fast food engineering service. I asked for forgiveness from God because this was the lowest point of my life spiritually. She was scared and nearly left until I told her I was not mad at her but my situation in life and asked her to come back.

 

We ended up moving about two months later to another city (for job reasons)and enjoyed the first month or so having a really good time, going to parade, walking in the park, going to museums and a dairy having a really good time. One day she had prepared a gumbo, I remember we danced around the hall way joking around and being goofy and playing Cajun music to get in the mood and I was drinking some bourbon(amplified my emotions). I was actually turned on that she did all this for me. I walked in thet here and made a comment about her ("coonass") which she didn’t think was funny. I remember being tore up and hurt from her own comment and the hurt turned into bitterness and retaliation where I went back in there and hit her on the arm and then locked her out of our apartment. These actions I did were unacceptable. They triggered an outburst when I let my emotions take the best of me. This led to hitting her in a threatening manner and then locking her out of our apartment.

 

We brokeup a day later, where she grabbed her things (rightful so), because what I did to push her out of my life. We have had very little contact since the breakup.Although I had attempted to reconcile things before I had really had a chance to consider what I did to her and had acted unstable for the first two weeks. I now understand how hurt, unappreciated, and scared she must have been

 

I was so ashamed and guilt ridden that I continually prayed for forgiveness and asked her for forgiveness, (for which she said she has but that the relationship was not meant to be). I felt it was most difficult to forgive myself and cried out to god almost daily because there was no comfort to the emotional wreck I went through. I started going to church and talked with some of the church counselors there to get myself in order. In addition they advised me to socialize a little bit, and to take care of myself in addition to getting professional counseling.

 

I still love her, but have accepted the break-up for the best, because in her mind she must have had to walk on eggshells for some time. By not continually pursuing her back, I feel like the distance and space is the respectful thing to do to honor her wishes. I would like to re-build a sense of trust one day, but Iunderstand that broken trust is not something that is easily fixed

 

I have been getting professional counseling for myself (going on about six weeks). I recognized that the pattern of abuse typically started in childhood. As a little boy, I witnessed my father abuse alcohol. There were constant fights, quarrels yelling and screaming between my parents and I saw my own father stand over my mother and hit her several times as I cowered and cried just wishing they would stop! I was constantly spanked as a child and told not to cry shown very little empathy when I was a child in pain. I feel like my own lack of empathy may have been rooted from these things.

 

As an adult now, I had not thought about these things in over 20 years, but realized some of the influences in the behavior pattern recently. I do not want to go forward in life continuing to do these things because these actions were hurtful and often controlling and are unacceptable and I am taking responsibility for doing the right thing. I am making a big effort to find positive (or at least less negative ways) to respond (rather than react) to these emotional triggers.

 

One of the things I have learned from the counselor and through my undertakings are that in order to change the abuser

 

1. must be self aware that these actions are hurtful (big step)

 

2. Understand that the negative feelings can stem from the abuser themselves being hurt emotionally (feeling rejected,misunderstood, disrespected ect…)

 

3. The negative triggers arise from an unmet need (acceptance, understanding, respect, ect

 

4. Filter the information in way that is more constructive, and respond rather than react in a positive or (at leastless negative way) over time to

 

5. develop good habbits to form into postive responses

 

These are things I am working on and know that habits do not form over night. I do believe abusers can change but they have to be willing to work at it. I do not want to be part of the statistics where it happens again in the next relationship and am taking this time to correct these things first. My ex and I have to suffer the consequences of my actions. I wish she would go to counseling with me because I know she may have trust issues in the future. I am only thankful that I did not have kids to witness my own actions. I hope this can restore some faith in humanity that a person wants to break that abuse patterns.

Edited September 29, 2013 by jba10582

[Downtown]

JBA, I applaud your decision to undertake weekly therapy to address your issues. There are many excellent therapy programs all over the country that teach the emotional-control skills you need to learn because your traumatic childhood prevented you from learning them at a young age.

 

These skills include learning how to do self soothing, to "be mindful" (i.e., in the present), to stop doing black-white thinking, to better manage your emotions, and to intellectually challenge your intense feelings (instead of accepting them as reflecting truth).

 

Sadly, when people have difficulty managing their emotions, it is rare for them to seek such therapy programs (or stay in them long enough to make a difference). The reason is that they lack the self awareness to see that they have serious issues that need to be addressed. I mention this, JBA, because your amazing level of self awareness means that you have already surmounted the biggest impediment to achieving success in such programs.

 

The remaining issue, then, is whether you have the ego strength to work hard in therapy and to stay with it long enough to make a real difference in your behavior. That remains to be seen -- but your decision to persist for the past six weeks in therapy bodes well for your likely success. Again, I applaud your courage, self awareness, and commitment, JBA.

[jba10582]

That is a long and inspiring story. I'm glad you're getting the help you need - please stay in counseling and therapy for the long run. It will give you your life back! Let Emily go - it's the kindest thing you can do. If there are things you need to say to her, write them in a letter, seal them up, and lock them in a box somewhere. Then when you're well and healed, you can get rid of the box and start your life with someone new.

 

 

Caitlin

 

Thank you for the kind words. I am constantly practicing and applying all kinds of lessons I learn from therapy and constantly reading and learning new methods and techniques and ideas. I have never had any issues with motivation...almost to the obsessive level that when I put my mind to something, I REALLY focus on it. Although in that sense it reminds me of the professor from a Beautiful Mind...although different situations and I am not actually diagnosed with illness.

[turnera]

What else are you doing to improve your life? Taking up a hobby, starting a class, volunteering?

[jba10582]

I am.

 

It is journey in being aware and finding peace in the momemt

[Grumpybutfun]

jba:

The kindest thing you can do is to not date until you get your anger management issues in order. I know you feel horrid for what you did to Emily, but it only takes one second for someone to really hurt someone else because they are blanketed by emotion.

Good Luck,

Grumps

[jba10582]

The hardest part was not knowing that I was forgiven but forgiving myself and letting go of a lot. The past has no power. Peace must be in the present.

[karliejane]

i think my boyfriend is the same as you. what can i do to help the situation?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

i think my boyfriend is the same as you. what can i do to help the situation?

 

Either leave, or get him tested for personality disorders.

 

Just knowing you have a PD isn't enough, though.

 

Standard talk therapy doesn't fix this kind of thing.

[jba10582]

what can i do to help the situation?

 

Please post a new thread to explain your situation, so that, others here, concerned for what you may be facing, may be able to offer you help, in some ways, that may help you to uncover new possibilities of dealing with, whatever it is you may be experiencing, so that, when you find new ways of dealing with these things, you may begin to shift focus onto positive outcomes that you can control, in ways, that you desire to improve upon, within yourself, and your relationship.

Edited December 12, 2013 by jba10582

[Downtown]

KarlieJane already has such a thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/448088-need-gudance#post5394191.

[beach]

The hardest part was not knowing that I was forgiven but forgiving myself and letting go of a lot. The past has no power. Peace must be in the present.

 

But I do learn many hings from my past. It helps me understand my history. What didn't work for me - what I CAN change to make my life different than my past. And to be sure I understand how I participate - how that affects me - how it affects others.

 

I am accountable for my own behavior. If I have something I wish to work on - and grow as a better person - then when I can recognize what I intend to change about myself - that is a valuable tool.