i know/suspect he´s cheated...

[anita_green]

Hi there,

 

Ive been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now, we´re both 37..and the relationship has got a lot of good things about it. But unfortunately he lives about a five hour drive away, so we only see each other every couple of weeks, he comes here, but i mostly go there. we also went away on holiday this summer, for which i paid for everything..because he´s not working at the moment.

the last time i went to see him, which was a few days ago, his neighbour, a woman, told me that he has a constant stream of women visiting him, and that he is a real player. ive asked him about his past relationships, for example, how many women he was with, perhaps in the year before we were together, or six months before even, and he says he can´t remember and that it´s not important. when pushed, and i mean really pushed he says 2 or 3, and there was nobody special, but there are inconsistencies in the things he says.

so, the neighbour told me all this stuff and then told me not to say anything as he wouldn´t like her gossiping.

obviously, i couldn´t keep it in for more than a couple of days, so i asked him and he called her a jealous serpent and that she´s lying because she´s in love with him. and when pushed he said that they´d slept together once a year before, when she first moved in, and when pushed more, he said that, he doesn´t find her attractive at all (she´s not very attractive) but that she likes to masturbate him, so occasionally he lets her, and that the last time was a couple of weeks before, but he didnt tell me because he knows he shouldn´t let it happen, and he wont let it happen again. and that he only wants to be with me and that he loves me.

so i went home, feeling very confused. but again there were inconsistencies in his story. something isn´t truthful about what he was telling me. so before i went, i looked in his desk and took down his email password, to check his mail. i know its wrong wrong wrong, but i thought that i have to know what´s going on..

so yesterday i looked, and i feel terrible doing it, but...i found a message from a girl dated 3 days before my last visit, that says that "spending my birthday with you was the best present i could have had" and it ends "i love you".

i checked out her on facebook from her email address and she lives about an hour and a half away from him. of course i dont know when her birthday was, or anything else, i just saw that message and that´s all she wrote. it doesn´t look like he answered her back.

then i looked further back in time and just before me it looks like he was with a woman with a child. she sent photos to him and lots of messages like, "its hard not being with you, i miss you so much" etc. she seems nice and she sounds in love. and the dates are pretty much up to the time when we started. he has mentioned her to me because she´s called a couple of times when we´ve been together, and i asked about her. at first he said she was just a friend, and then he said they had got it together a couple of times but there was nothing special.

anyway, there are also messages during this period, when he was evidently with this woman who has a child, messages from him to various women looking for hookups. saying things like "do you remember me? we met in such and such place, i can´t stop thinking about you, can we meet up...?" and so on. there are a few of these. but of course they date to before i met him, but while he was evidently with this woman.

sooo...all this info ive got from spying on him.

by reading his mail.

there´s another one from a girl asking if they can meet up, dated a month ago. he replies that maybe in november if he has some money they can maybe get away for a couple of days.

and he has more email accounts and a facebook, but i havent got the passwords to those. i dont think i could stomach it anyway. i dont know what i might find. but it doesnt really matter does it? seeing what ive seen is more than enough to say that this guy is a player and i need to stop this relationship. i cant give him the benefit of the doubt that all this stuff is explainable, no?

and what do i say? im so angry. but if i tell him i looked at his mail, he will be outraged and i will have lost my "moral stance" because that´s wrong what ive done.

it makes me so mad, cos ive had a few suspicions because of his general behaviour, but he just says im paranoid and conflictive. which im not as a rule.

so i just wanted some advice.

can i give him the benefit of the doubt?

do i end it and tell him why? do i just end it.

im sooo mad though.

any advice would be much appreciated. my friends say kick him to the curb without giving him a reason, what´s the point.

thanks, anita

[2sure]

I suppose you could give him he benefit of doubt...if there was any! But there is no doubt. Be ok with it or don't, but he sees other women and actively pursues them .

[Zahara]

The neighbor masturbates him? What a sweetheart! Yuck.

 

Benefit of the doubt? Are nuts or blind?

 

Either you stay with him and accept he will be offering his services to other women or you get your self-respect and leave.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi there,

 

Ive been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now, we´re both 37..and the relationship has got a lot of good things about it. But unfortunately he lives about a five hour drive away, so we only see each other every couple of weeks, he comes here, but i mostly go there. we also went away on holiday this summer, for which i paid for everything..because he´s not working at the moment.

the last time i went to see him, which was a few days ago, his neighbour, a woman, told me that he has a constant stream of women visiting him, and that he is a real player. ive asked him about his past relationships, for example, how many women he was with, perhaps in the year before we were together, or six months before even, and he says he can´t remember and that it´s not important. when pushed, and i mean really pushed he says 2 or 3, and there was nobody special, but there are inconsistencies in the things he says.

so, the neighbour told me all this stuff and then told me not to say anything as he wouldn´t like her gossiping.

obviously, i couldn´t keep it in for more than a couple of days, so i asked him and he called her a jealous serpent and that she´s lying because she´s in love with him. and when pushed he said that they´d slept together once a year before, when she first moved in, and when pushed more, he said that, he doesn´t find her attractive at all (she´s not very attractive) but that she likes to masturbate him, so occasionally he lets her, and that the last time was a couple of weeks before, but he didnt tell me because he knows he shouldn´t let it happen, and he wont let it happen again. and that he only wants to be with me and that he loves me.

so i went home, feeling very confused. but again there were inconsistencies in his story. something isn´t truthful about what he was telling me. so before i went, i looked in his desk and took down his email password, to check his mail. i know its wrong wrong wrong, but i thought that i have to know what´s going on..

so yesterday i looked, and i feel terrible doing it, but...i found a message from a girl dated 3 days before my last visit, that says that "spending my birthday with you was the best present i could have had" and it ends "i love you".

i checked out her on facebook from her email address and she lives about an hour and a half away from him. of course i dont know when her birthday was, or anything else, i just saw that message and that´s all she wrote. it doesn´t look like he answered her back.

then i looked further back in time and just before me it looks like he was with a woman with a child. she sent photos to him and lots of messages like, "its hard not being with you, i miss you so much" etc. she seems nice and she sounds in love. and the dates are pretty much up to the time when we started. he has mentioned her to me because she´s called a couple of times when we´ve been together, and i asked about her. at first he said she was just a friend, and then he said they had got it together a couple of times but there was nothing special.

anyway, there are also messages during this period, when he was evidently with this woman who has a child, messages from him to various women looking for hookups. saying things like "do you remember me? we met in such and such place, i can´t stop thinking about you, can we meet up...?" and so on. there are a few of these. but of course they date to before i met him, but while he was evidently with this woman.

sooo...all this info ive got from spying on him.

by reading his mail.

there´s another one from a girl asking if they can meet up, dated a month ago. he replies that maybe in november if he has some money they can maybe get away for a couple of days.

and he has more email accounts and a facebook, but i havent got the passwords to those. i dont think i could stomach it anyway. i dont know what i might find. but it doesnt really matter does it? seeing what ive seen is more than enough to say that this guy is a player and i need to stop this relationship. i cant give him the benefit of the doubt that all this stuff is explainable, no?

and what do i say? im so angry. but if i tell him i looked at his mail, he will be outraged and i will have lost my "moral stance" because that´s wrong what ive done.

it makes me so mad, cos ive had a few suspicions because of his general behaviour, but he just says im paranoid and conflictive. which im not as a rule.

so i just wanted some advice.

can i give him the benefit of the doubt?

do i end it and tell him why? do i just end it.

im sooo mad though.

any advice would be much appreciated. my friends say kick him to the curb without giving him a reason, what´s the point.

thanks, anita

 

No, because there ISN'T any doubt that he's been cheating and for a long time. What exactly do you doubt about the evidence you've found?!

 

Despite what he claims, he is not your boyfriend. A boyfriend wouldn't cheat and play his girlfriend for a fool the way he's been doing to you. Get rid of this guy pronto. He'll know the real reason why.

[Diana123]

Your friend gave you the best advice. It will be hard. You are hurting. It seems pretty evident though what he has been up to. If you continue with him you will end up getting paranoid about everything, be wondering what he is up to when not with you, and it will hit your self-esteem.

Go complete NC and go and live your life to the full x

[anita_green]

Hi and thanks for all your replies. sometimes you have to write things down and look at them in a cold way to really see them for what they are. and you´ve helped me do that.

the reason i visit him more is that he lives on a farm with various animals..so he finds it difficult to leave them.

but the facts are there in black and white and there´s no getting round it. but the thing that gets me are the lies and the twists and turns to make me feel bad for suggesting that he´s been seeing someone else. and that maybe ive had some trauma in the past that makes me soo suspicious. which isn´t true, ive had mostly great relationships in the past. really. its practised manipulation. he´s a shameless liar and cheat.

your replies suggest that i should go no contact. but im seething. im sooooo angry. what do i do with this anger? i want to tell him i think he´s a slimeball. how dare he let me have paid for everything on our holiday. he should be ashamed of himself..and to hook up with some girl, who´s sounds like she could be in love with him, just before my last visit..etc etc. im not just mad for me, im mad for the other women. what do i do with all this anger?? do i just let him get away with it? are there no consequences for this behaviour? he´ll just move on to someone else and do the same.

[nescafe1982]

No contact. Now, immediately, no need to explain. You've wasted enough of your time on this loser already.

So sorry to hear about this, though... must've been crazy-making to discover all of that. Sounds to me like he's putting several women through the wringer at once. This kind of guy hates women and never learns from his abuse. Trying to tell him why he lost you will fall on deaf ears. Save your breath and your dignity.

[Zahara]

There are no consequences to his behavior. Cheaters have no conscience. You think he's going to be ashamed if you confront him? Nope. He'll get over it in a flash and keep doing what he does best. He's got other women to focus on than deal with your hurt feelings. You can call him a slime ball but it won't affect him. He'll just think you're bitter with the name calling.

 

Just disappear. Don't waste your words and energy. It will fall on deaf ears. I've dealt with douchebags, and you can bleed yourself telling them how you feel but you'll get nothing from it. Self-preservation. Go NC.

[crederer]

What the hell does "she masturbates to him" even mean? Like she thinks of him while doing it or does it in front of him. Those are two completely different things but the fact that it's open for conversation is weird regardless.

 

 

Also, Id take what the neighbour says with a grain of salt cause she obviously wants him and is trying to eliminate you from the equation. How serious of a relationship is this? Are you supposedly exclusive?

 

Too much text in the original thread so I appologize if these things were already addressed.

[anita_green]

before we went away at the beginning of the summer, we talked about being exclusive and that was what we were.

the neighbour masturbates him. he told me that the last time it happened they had gone to a party together, she has no car, so depends on him for lifts. and when he had drunk too much, they spent the night at a friends house and he woke up to find her hand in his trousers..so he just let it happen. his excuse -i was drunk. also it doesnt really count he says, it only counts if its penetration. he says. yeh yuck. i know,.

and yeh i know she would obviously have ulterior motives in telling me this stuff. she told me this stuff, the first time that we were alone together. we´ve never been alone togther before.

buit then there´s all the email stuff. and the fact that i know, inside me, in my gut that he´s lied to me.

so i know it has to end. absolutely.

im just sooooo angry that its not healthy and i dont know what to do with that. i also feel kind of humiliated and frustrated.

[nescafe1982]

the neighbour masturbates him....

...his excuse -i was drunk. also it doesnt really count he says, it only counts if its penetration. he says.

 

0_o

 

Um, you're seriously still thinking about this one? Dude cheats, is completely without remorse and tells you you're unreasonable for being hurt.

 

Yeah, this really couldn't be any clearer. Either you leave this scumbag now or you will have to accept that you are merely one of many, many women. Clearly all winners, to boot.

[anita_green]

i know, its true. but you know what i just thought. that yeh, i could do that, tell him what a scumbag he is...but what i just thought was...i could also write to these women, whose mails are in his account and tell them what kind of guy he is. i looked again today, i dont know why and there´s ANOTHER mail from a girl saying that she met him last night and had a wonderful time and cant wait to see him again...its incredible...and even give them his password so they can look for themselves. i think that would make me feel a lot better than just telling him what a jerk i think he is...

that´s wrong i know..morally...to stoop to that. but it sure would make me feel better. cos im not just angry im disgusted now...and like i say it makes me smile a lot thinking that he deserves it.

thoughts?

[Zahara]

You need to stop trying to find ways to get your payback.

 

You can email these women and most likely 1) you will email, they will confront him, he will sweet talk them and you'll look like an idiot 2) he will find other women to cater to him in no time 3) he will look at you and think you're bitter and crazy. End of the day, you get nothing because nothing you do will affect him mostly because he isn't emotionally invested in you.

 

With #1, he was able to convince you that he wasn't cheating. Even told you his neighbor was wanking him and you still went back. What do you think these women will do?

 

The best revenge is living well. Read it over and over again and let this go.

[KathyM]

Dump this loser ASAP. Tell him you don't waste your time on cheaters, and never to contact you again. No other explanation is needed. Then block his phone number and Emails.

[anita_green]

i didnt go back. i found this out the last time i was there, last weekend. this is all very recent happenings. we´ve spoke this week and he has tried to defend his behaviour, saying that it doesnt count. he reiterates that he only wants to be with me and that he wont do it again. i am not going back. ive said very little this week.

and then i looked at his mail, have all this info now and want to act. but unsure about which is the best way.

i agree with some of you that these kind of guys hate women deep down. they dont trust them and need constant validation from various women to feel good about themselves. his mother abandoned him when he was 2. and then came back, but suffers from mental health issues. i think the key is there. but it doesnt excuse anything. we´ve all had our stuff to deal with and lying and cheating and hurting people constantly isnt justifiable in any way.

i still want to write to these women though...do i care if he thinks im bitter and crazy?

[Zahara]

i still want to write to these women though...do i care if he thinks im bitter and crazy?

 

Your intent on doing this is not because you are looking out for these women but it is because you want to hurt him and leave him without any prospects. That's your revenge. You want him to feel the same way you feel.

 

If that helps you move on, then go ahead. The thing is, when you engage with these women, all you will do is keep the drama going. And he will most likely contact you and you'll go at it with him and it'll just keep your hurt growing.

 

Some things you just have to let go.

 

PS: You still came on LS to ask if you should give him the benefit of the doubt even when all the facts were right infront of you. These other women won't be any better than you were in making a judgment.

Edited September 30, 2013 by Zahara

[pteromom]

but what i just thought was...i could also write to these women, whose mails are in his account and tell them what kind of guy he is.

 

 

You know... you could. It depends on what you want to get out of it. If you just want to let them know, and you have zero expectations about how they or he will respond, then maybe.

 

It's pretty obvious that he has a rotation, and you are on it every couple weeks.

 

I wouldn't discuss it further with him though, because he's just going to try to manipulate you.

[Leigh 87]

He told u that he let another woman masturbate him.

 

That was all you needed to know.

 

In healthy, loving relationships, the man doesn't let other women masturbate them. Unless he is not monogamous by nature, in which case he shouldn't BE in a relationship with you to begin with.

 

There's something up with your self esteem that made you need to come here just to figure out how wrong it was of him to masturbate him........

 

In future, build up your self esteem and self worth by NEVER letting a guy get masturbated by a girl, and accept him back into your life.

 

I let my ex get away with chatting to girls online. Ane using hookers. Now I can see that I need professional help, since I actually accepted his behavior by staying with him. No wonder he had little respect for me.

[crederer]

For future reference, that's called a "handjob".

 

And yep, that's cheating. Give his friend a handjob or let his friend finger bang you, see how he feels about it.

[lollipopspot]

I agree with the others. It's over. Just no contact. There's nothing to gain by revenge here that I see.

 

Also, I think I'm maybe the only one who thinks it was lousy of you to tell on the neighbor. She did you a favor. We don't fully know her motivations. She also has to live next door to him, and that probably made her life a lot more difficult. I don't know, but I don't necessarily think she's done anything wrong. But when I read stories like this I'm not sure I would want to help out a woman I barely know by telling her her boyfriend (my neighbor, co-worker, whatever) has a string of women coming by, if I was really risking being ratted out by her after she said she wouldn't tell. You could have done your snooping without implicating her.

[KatZee]

Yeah, you pretty much lost me at "he lets his neighbor jerk him off" and that it happened 2 weeks before you saw him.

 

That alone would make him dump him so fast his head would spin.

 

But now you're seeing that he's got an endless line of women coming in and out of his house. Revenge is futile. So lets say you message the women he's currently in contact with? So what? He doesn't seem hard pressed to get these people so he'll just have a whole new slew of them by next week. The guy is obviously good at what he does.

 

People don't normally write "spending time with you was the best birthday present, I love you" for no reason. He's obviously emotionally invested with tons of people.

 

I think it's wasted breath trying to call him out or "punish" him. He doesn't see what he does as wrong, and he'd rather blame others: "She's a serpent" and "you're paranoid" than just own up to the fact he's a pig. Just tell him it's not working for you anymore, and go NC.

[anita_green]

it´s all soo right what you´re saying.

The revenge thing would have felt good, but it´s very true what one person said. it would prolong the drama, which i don´t need.

and also that these women would not believe it and they would let him sweet talk them.

Also, it is true that he could just go out and get a whole new set. he´s very good at attracting women. they just come up and literally throw themselves at him. ive seen it. he´s very cool though, as i could never have accused him of looking at other women when we´ve been out.

y know if i hadnt looked at his mail, i wouldn´t have seen this weird double personality that he´s got going on. i wouldn´t have believed it if i hadnt seen it with my own eyes. so that´s another reason to not write to the other women. they wouldn´t believe me.

looking at the mails and seeing these interchanges between him for example and the girl with the kid from last year. so tender and loving on her part and literally the same day he´s writing to women he doesn´t even know, just met maybe once at a party or something, literally begging to meet up. it´s disgraceful.

and you wanna meet the neighbour. i mean i dont think we should compare, but i felt insulted. she doesn´t even smell good. that´s what he used to say about her.

and then to go and visit that woman a couple of days before i was due to visit the last time, i mean its just madness. i dont think he must be right in the head.

and the new girl, the one who has now sent 2 messages...

she sounds totally into him.

if i disappear i doubt he would even notice.

it would hurt his pride...i think i was a bit of a trophy...but clearly nothing more.

send him the "ive had enough, you´re a ****ed up scumbag" message and move on.

i need to stop looking at his mail though...im tempted to tell him i looked, so he´ll change his password.