Breaking up with game addicted boyfriend after 4 years

[margaery]

It just happened, after all the crap I have taken from him I have decided it is not normal I would be treated like that

I am so sad because I love him so much. But our relationship has been me giving him everything, and him throwing it all away.

He's been addicted to games since his early teens, failed school because of it.

When I met him I was cool with him liking video games because I do too. But when we moved in together 2 1/2 years ago I realized he had a real problem. He would play 10+ hours a day. For a year he didn't go to school and didn't work either, he just played game from 12 (when he woke up) to 2 or 3 in the morning, with minor breaks for meals, sometimes even taking them in front of the computer. I was just the pretty green plant of the apartment. I would go to sleep and he'd promise to come, but would play until even later then. After a lot of tears I got him to slow it down. And it was very nice then. We love each other a lot (or at least I do!) and share similar interests, values, goals in life... It could have been so perfect!

The second year of us living together, he started to get money troubles (from turning 21 and getting less money from his dad and the government for his studies) and he still wouldn't go to class or work.

I started working as a waitress, 2 to 3 days a week, alongside my university studies, to pay for my share of the rent and the bills. But then he couldn't even pay his share anymore. He lied to me that he had a problem at the bank and that the money was blocked somewhere, so I payed for his share and he promised to pay me back asap. Meanwhile he kept playing video games while i was working my a** up.

I kept insisting he gets a job, so he got one, which was a lie. He pretended his boss forgot to pay him etc. Then he'd steal from my tips before i would count them the following morning to make me believe he got money. Once I had actually counted the money, and noticed 30 euros missing, i looked for them everywhere, he let me. Once he couldn't pay our internet bill, and said he'd get the money next week, so i paid it with the money saved up to pay for my university year, he let me.

My mom kept insisting that she never heard of the bank blocking money before, so I confronted him about that and he admitted he lied about that... That he had no money but would work to pay me back. I asked him if he was hiding anything else from me... he kept saying no.

Then one day he went grocery shopping, i asked him to pay since he told me he got paid. He took my bankcard without me noticing then used it to pay, but forgot my code and blocked it. I confronted him and he told me about all the lies...

I didn't know what to do... I loved him to much to just break up. But I decided we couldn't live together anymore if he couldn't pay his share and lost all trust in him. So i went back to live at my parent's and focus on my studies (I failed my year, with finding everything out just before my exams) and he went on to take a student room.

I said I want him to prove me he can change and become a better person, find a job etc. So he could finally take me out sometimes... He promised he would, he seemed motivated...

Now this whole week I tried talking to him on Skype he was doing wow raids. He couldn't understand what I was saying, kept asking me to repeat... 3 days in a row. The first day I was okay with it... The second way less, the 3rd i got really pissed and told him about how i felt etc. and he hardly answered, because he was raiding. After a few days of ignoring him, he calls me again tonight and....... he's in a wow raid. And he tells me about it... How stupid can you get??? So I got very pissed etc. Talked to him about how I want to end it etc. Almost no answer, he is still raiding.

So I told him he has really ****ed up priorities, and that he goes play his game and ruin more of his life, that I'm not going to be there helping him out anymore... :/

Uhhhhmmmm i'm so pissed with his addiction

It had started to get better, with him finding a job and then we got a really nice weekend together without games.... But he ruins it all I am so depressed right now ((

[Stealth3]

It's almost impossible to get someone to pay attention to you when they are raiding, this is the classical raiding problem.

 

In all seriousness, this is the classical taken for granted problem. There is a very simple fix for this, you can fix everything and I will tell you exactly how. You have to play a game and honestly I am against mind games because nobody likes to be mind ****ed and I never do it myself. However, in this case I think it's the only way.

 

1) Your bf takes you for granted, this is the only problem and its one of the easiest problems to fix.

 

First of all, you need to break up with him because he needs to feel that he lost you, completely. Only then he will start to realize what he lost. If he loves you, he will be in shock, he won't be able to sleep or eat initially and he will feel an extreme amount of mental/physical pain. He won't be able to play wow and will try anything to reach you. In his mind, he will go over all the mistakes that he made and realize how unhappy you were. If he loved you, he will try anything to fix it and get back with you. You have to let him feel like that for a week to three weeks and then you can work everything out.

 

Chances are, once you get back together he will truly never take you for granted again. But this will work only if he really feels he lost you.

 

On the other hand, it can backfire...and that is if he never truly loved you. In this case, he will just let go of you and go back to raiding. You will always be second to his gaming rig.

 

It will also backfire if you wait too long, because if he loved you, he will be hurting a lot. If you don't wait enough then he will think that you never wanted to break up in the first place and will just continue taking you for granted.

 

So 2 options:

 

1) Break off completely, in which case he will either be very hurt if he loved you or go back to raiding if he really didn't care about you.

2) Accept that you are second to his gaming rig and maybe hope that one day he will change on his own.

 

Don't worry, if you break off and he loved you and cared for you, he will come back and threat you right and make you feel special. Just don't hurt him too much by waiting too long to accept his calls and give him a second chance.

 

If he just moves on, doesn't initiate anything, I'm sorry, he never loved you and you are better off moving on and finding someone that you truly deserve.

[margaery]

Thank you for your answer...

I guess I am just really scared he will not come back. I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore and he just kind of ignored it and talked about how he is sorry etc.

He could not come back cause he is ashamed and doesn't think he can have me back... I don't know. Or he could have not loved me at all? Maybe.

Your advice is good but I'm scared.

[margaery]

Also, thank you for not screaming "leave that *********"

[KatZee]

I'm going to be the one to scream it then. LEAVE THAT IDIOT!!!

 

WoW ruins lives. I had an ex that was addicted to that idiotic game. He would play just as much as yours did. He would blow me off to play games, he once blew me off for a raid claiming he didn't want to screw over 25 people, he'd rather just screw over 1.

 

I would go visit him and he would flat out ignore me because he had that huge headphone/mic thing on his head. He never did anything but play WoW. He too swore up and down he'd cut back, try harder... did anything ever change? Nope. I finally just dumped him and never looked back. It was the most pointless relationship I've ever been in.

 

Lets make a long story short here. Instead of actually living a real life, your boyfriend would rather sit in front of a computer screen for 10-12 hours a day. He has zero motivation to actually have a life. He has no job, he doesn't go to school. He's perfectly fine living off his parents money and the government bailout. He thinks it's perfectly acceptable to steal money from you, create elaborate lies, and mooch off YOUR apartment.

 

What about this guy is so appealing? How could you possibly even know what interests you have in common if this guy just sits on his a.ss 12 hours a day playing WoW?

 

You bust your a.ss, you're basically a mother to him, and he gets away with his immature, lazy, selfish, and self absorbed behavior because you LET him.

 

You just allow him to be the way he is. He needs a sharp kick in the a.ss back to reality. But honestly, this game addiction is a serious thing, and he's not going to change unless he really wants to. I dumped my ex and he didn't change. He cried a lot and said he loved me so much but he went right back to that game. He never actually tried to make it work out with me, he preferred just sitting in front of his screen.

[lovehurtgrow]

Seriously, leave that idiot! You sound like a keeper. Many guys would love to have a girl like you (including myself).

 

Tell him to get his act together and start being a man. Go NC until he can really prove to you that he has changed. If not, then it's time for you to let go of the past and move on.

[StrongLass]

He:

 

1. Repeatedly lied to you

 

2. Stole from you

 

3. Lied to you about stealing from you

 

4. Doesn't listen to you when you're expressing your serious concerns about the future and his general well being

 

Those four facts ALONE without the additional serious gaming problem prove that he doesn't respect you AT ALL and thusly ISN'T WORTH A GLANCE FROM YOUR EYES let alone access to your heart.

 

Let this one go sweetheart, this ain't the movies.

[margaery]

Well I had seen an improvement... He now goes to school regularly, and he found a waiter job.

I have taken baby steps to breaking up because in my head I know it is the reasonable thing to do, but it is really difficult when I can't picture myself without him. I am also very scared of being alone. I'm quite the loner and he is one of the very few people in my life.

Us not living together anymore has been my first step in that direction, now I told him I want distance and a cool head, and we are "taking a break" which is another step.

Of course I secretly hope he will do crazy things for me now to get me back, but it's probably not going to happen

[Omei]

Ive been playing wow for mannnny years and have had relationships none of which ended to that game, I have never complained about their time or my time very rarely.

 

Blame the person not the game

Its the person with the obessive issue if it wasnt a video game hed engolf into something else.

 

I agree with stronglass dude lies and steals money from you? Is there even a future with someone like that? Wouldnt be able to trust them with anything.

[reddragon588]

You need to break up with him.

 

I'm sure he's a good person, but addictions can do terrible things to people. He needs to address his addiction before he can be in a relationship with you.

[Omei]

Its not even his addiction thats something that could of been worked on.

 

The fact he lies and steals from you shows he has zero respect for you and whatever love he says he has is childs play.

 

You need love for yourself you hope he begs for you back again if he does its because he wants to climb back on the free train.

 

And your fear of being alone is making you settle for something you know you wont be happy with.

 

Hey, i got out of a 5yr i have never felt so releaved everyday that I dont have to answer to anyone or check in, and I didnt want it to end. Being on your own you can do a lot! And its great!

[burningashes]

OP, your boyfriend doesn't even live here right now, for as long as he's addicted to video games. It is an addiction that your boyfriend has to recognize, and he has to be proactive about it. He isn't doing that, and won't until he hits rock bottom. It's just like doing drugs, or gambling- people don't stop until they get into serious trouble.

 

I am very glad you decided to move out and concentrate on your studies. Now you should evaluate whether continuing this relationship will be beneficial to you, because your boyfriend showed you that he's more committed to raiding than being with you are. He needs to get his priorities straight, and it's not going to happen until you leave. When you do leave... time will tell whether you or WoW comes first.. I get the feeling it may be the latter, unfortunately. This is a very real addiction that can be hard to break. If he wants to throw his life away... that's his choice, but don't let him drag you down with you.

 

The stealing issues have completely undermined your trust in him on top of his gaming addiction. He has serious problems that you can't fix for him- only he can do that. There is really no point in staying if you can't trust him even if he cleaned his act up with his games. I'd say let him go too, and after 4 years, it'll be hard but from what you've described.. he's spent more time playing his games than being with you. Trust me, there are men who can play video games and be loving, attentive, responsible boyfriends who wouldn't ever dream of stealing from you.

[margaery]

1st day of NC... He hasn't tried much even though he begged me for a few more days to show me that he can change and said he wouldn't let this be a real break, that he would write me until I talk to him...

He only said Hello on facebook, which I did not answer to.

 

I am so disappointed and sad right now. I'd like to check if he is playing wow but I can't seem to log into his account even though I know his password and username :/

 

He is totally letting this be a break...

[pteromom]

If he doesn't want you back, what are you losing anyway? You would want to be with someone who is ambivalent about whether you are even there or not????

[Omei]

1st day of NC... He hasn't tried much even though he begged me for a few more days to show me that he can change and said he wouldn't let this be a real break, that he would write me until I talk to him...

He only said Hello on facebook, which I did not answer to.

 

I am so disappointed and sad right now. I'd like to check if he is playing wow but I can't seem to log into his account even though I know his password and username :/

 

He is totally letting this be a break...

 

Right now he'll be on a green light to play without a gf being upset with him dont expect him to rush to the phone its likely he'll play for a long time before thinking about you.

 

Stop being so desperate you trying to find him online, I kind of want to shake you the fact that he straight up shows he has zero care for you and you still want him back?

 

What after a week of playing when he contacts you cuz hes bored hes just going to magicaly treat you right or you guys will have that little work out talk? People dont change and break habits so fast.

 

If anything its gonna take you and prob his next gf too to wake up.

 

And not to mention hes a theif if he can do that to someone he "loves" Wonder what other heartbreaking fabulously bad choices he make in the future.

 

YOU DONT NEED SOMEONE LIKE THAT

[CptSaveAho]

I'm going to be the one to scream it then. LEAVE THAT IDIOT!!!

 

WoW ruins lives. I had an ex that was addicted to that idiotic game. He would play just as much as yours did. He would blow me off to play games, he once blew me off for a raid claiming he didn't want to screw over 25 people, he'd rather just screw over 1.

 

I would go visit him and he would flat out ignore me because he had that huge headphone/mic thing on his head. He never did anything but play WoW. He too swore up and down he'd cut back, try harder... did anything ever change? Nope. I finally just dumped him and never looked back. It was the most pointless relationship I've ever been in.

 

Lets make a long story short here. Instead of actually living a real life, your boyfriend would rather sit in front of a computer screen for 10-12 hours a day. He has zero motivation to actually have a life. He has no job, he doesn't go to school. He's perfectly fine living off his parents money and the government bailout. He thinks it's perfectly acceptable to steal money from you, create elaborate lies, and mooch off YOUR apartment.

 

What about this guy is so appealing? How could you possibly even know what interests you have in common if this guy just sits on his a.ss 12 hours a day playing WoW?

 

You bust your a.ss, you're basically a mother to him, and he gets away with his immature, lazy, selfish, and self absorbed behavior because you LET him.

 

You just allow him to be the way he is. He needs a sharp kick in the a.ss back to reality. But honestly, this game addiction is a serious thing, and he's not going to change unless he really wants to. I dumped my ex and he didn't change. He cried a lot and said he loved me so much but he went right back to that game. He never actually tried to make it work out with me, he preferred just sitting in front of his screen.

 

Right and you have NEVER in your entire life played video games? or are a gamer?

[Keenly]

Just for the record I'd like to point out the its not the games fault, its the person.

 

 

Just because some one is irresponsible and binges on something doesn't mean we blame the thing, we blame the person.

 

 

That being said, this guy was destined to be a loser either way, whether the game was there or not. He has no motivation , he stole from you, and he didn't want to give you any attention.

[KatZee]

Right and you have NEVER in your entire life played video games? or are a gamer?

 

I play an extremely occasional game of Wii bowling. And by occasional I mean once a year. I am not a gamer at all. You can't even consider sporadic game playing to a person that sits at a computer 8-10 hours DAILY. That's not even remotely normal or healthy.

 

My ex was so bad that he didn't even know how to function in public. He couldn't hold a conversation if his life depended on it and if we went out at all he always looked as if he was being tortured. He too went through periods of unemployment and no schooling. Just sat in a dark bedroom day in and day out playing WoW. Pathetic.

[Keenly]

I play an extremely occasional game of Wii bowling. And by occasional I mean once a year. I am not a gamer at all. You can't even consider sporadic game playing to a person that sits at a computer 8-10 hours DAILY. That's not even remotely normal or healthy.

 

My ex was so bad that he didn't even know how to function in public. He couldn't hold a conversation if his life depended on it and if we went out at all he always looked as if he was being tortured. He too went through periods of unemployment and no schooling. Just sat in a dark bedroom day in and day out playing WoW. Pathetic.

 

How's the weather on your cloud of judgment ?

 

It may not be normal or healthy to YOU. But what you are describing is how I've lived most of my life, and enjoyed it. Not with WoW, but if you don't like it then do your own thing. No need to bash people like me for being introverted.

[margaery]

It's so awful, I still didn't break up with him, he keeps asking me for second chances and I cannot resist.

It used to be so great between us, when I didn't know about all the lies, and I keep wishing for us to go back to this, minus the lies!

I was going to visit him this weekend and hoping to get a good talk, but he doesn't even have enough money to buy food for the both of us, so I decided not to go, even though it hurts me more than it hurts him, because otherwise I would just "lend" him money he will never give back.

 

I am so ashamed of myself for putting up with this, I feel sick. I don't understand why he would treat me that way and still claim he loves me??

 

It can be so great with him, but he now just ignores me for 15 mins before answering in our typed conversations (he didn't grow the balls to call me yet, or maybe he doesn't feel like calling me). I don't understand why he'd ask me how I am and then leave the conversation for 20 minutes He must really not care about the answer!

 

I don't know what to do, he claims he loves me but never shows or proves it, and going NC or not seeing him is hurting me way more than it hurts him

[margaery]

I am in so much distress now, I cannot sleep...

I know what should be done...

But it's so difficult when you have pictured your whole life with someone, have agreed one baby names and dreamed to get married with that person... We had a whole plan of what we were going to do these next years, what am I going to do now being on my own? I know I might find someone better, but I am so introverted and shy and unconfident, I also might not.

And without him my life feels so empty.

[Sneaky]

I've read your story and I'm sorry that things turned out like this with this person. I think the problem is that you've got too big a heart and he is massively taking advantage of that, he is taking advantage of you and you deserve better. You deserve someone that is trustworthy and tries to be a better person for you.

 

I know NC can be really really difficult (god I know) but you have to stick to it, at the moment it is probably easier for him because he expects you to cave. If it helps take some time away from social media or even block him from ways of contacting you and absolutely stop checking up on him. If he wants to change let him prove it first, don't settle for a promise.

 

I hope you will find strength to deal with this situation.

[margaery]

Thank you so much for your answer...

Yes the perspective of maybe finding someone better that will actually make me feel happy helps a little.

 

I have blocked and deleted him on skype but not on facebook, because if i delete him from my friendslist then my facebook will scream my breakup on everybody's feed and I don't want that... And we do mainly chat through facebook x)

[Sneaky]

How about you just take a break from going on facebook for a while then?

[margaery]

I guess that's a good answer, I have a small addiction to Facebook though, it will be hard