I have a crush on my college professor...

[sarah94]

Hi, so I was on Google doing some research and I ended up here. I need help. I'm a freshman girl in uni ( I was already a freshman last year in an other university, so I'm 19) and as cliché and stupid as it may sound, I think, no, I know that I'm having a crush on my teacher. At first when we had to register ourselves for classes, he was there with one of his colleagues.I barely noticed him.

 

But then at the first day of class, I was late ( several buildings, and I didn't know that the one I had to go to was like 10 min away) anyway I entered and apologized for being late, and he said " Hello Miss what's your surname ?" so I told him but apparently he didn't hear and asked to repeat but I didn't hear either lol so he was laughing( as well as the class) and then I told him my name again. After that we had to say our names and stuff like that ( his class is a language class, for total beginners) and that's when I started to notice that he was really good looking.

 

He has that cute preppy look that I really like, he has the cutest face, he's tall and he has that little sexy accent ( he's a foreigner) that is making me melt. On top of that, he's Young, I think between 30 and 35( Okay, for a 19 year old girl it's not that Young, but compared to the other teachers he's Young). Anyway, last week was the second class with him. He remembered most of our names, and we were like 40 in the class, when we should have been 25, so he said " I'm going to accept all of you but it's going to be more difficult for you because I won't be able to make all of you talk since I'm asking questions to you randomly" , and yet, during the 2 hours, he asked questions to me 5 times ! and sometimes it was questions like how old are you and stuff like that, I mean I know he was asking these questions in a normal way and to everybody, but he asked a lot of people, and he was always asking me last, like he wanted to know the answer , and not to make me participate, because he already had asked to a lot of people so aking me was optional( don't know if you understand what I'm saying ?) and he's talking super fast so sometimes he's asking me stuff and I'm making my " what the **** face?" so he laughs with a little smile and talks slower.

And this past week I saw him three times outside of the class. The first time I was late so kinda running and he was busy chatting with students but he stared at me, and later that day, I was alone in the yard checking my phone and he was in front of me, but a little far, I mean we saw each other but we were not close enough to say hello to each other. And he looked at me . And since I get weird and shy when I like a guy, I didn't know what to do so I just stopped looking and stared at my phone but I caught him looking at me. And then he entered a building because he had to go the secretary office and I was not far from him , talking on the phone, and he stared at me again. Anyway, I don't know what to do to make him "like " me or just notice me even more, so we could have a normal talk, not flirty or anything for a start, outside of the class?

 

Just so you know: A girl I know have him in the same class but a different day and she told me that he was making smiles to the girls and that they were like " omg" , so I'm not the only one having a crush on him lol.

 

So what do you think ? Sorry it's long.

 

PS: I'm not from the US so some advices you gave on other similar threads may not be praticable for me.

Edited September 29, 2013 by sarah94

[StrongLass]

He sounds like a flirt. You sound like a groupie.

 

Is he married? You don't even know who this guy is, just that you think he's cute.

 

Young-ish college profs act like this all the time. They like the attention, doesn't mean they think you're their soulmate.

 

If there really is ANY potential for this to become something more than for the love of peace WAIT until you are NO LONGER his student to try to pursue it.

[nescafe1982]

I'm a professor. I feel like I should preface my remarks with that disclosure.

 

Every semester there are girls like you (or in my case, boys). It's very, very easy to feel "loving" feelings towards a professor, especially in your first year of college. What you're feeling in absolutely normal: he's a hot young ("young" for a prof anyway) thing who is at the top of his career game, and his job is to talk to you and get you to think about the world in a new way. It's a very, very sexy job. His job is to develop a certain kind of intimacy in the classroom that you, coming from high school, are completely unfamiliar with.

 

This is the first time a teacher has treated you like a PEER, a peer with a brain and an equal ability to use it. He doesn't treat you like a student, like a kid, but like a competent young woman instead. If he's cute, then of course you're going to read his interest in getting you to think as something more than it is.

 

Everything about college is new, exciting, exhilarating. It's incredibly easy to get rose-colored glasses about college in general, and then develop a crush on a professor as a result.

 

It's a crush. CRUSH.

 

I emphasize that because nothing is going to happen between you and this professor, and indeed if you even try, things will get very, very bad for you.... and for him. So no matter how much you admire the man from afar, you need to understand that you will never be able to pursue him romantically. If you did ask him out or flirt too much, any of the following could happen:

1) he may be censured or punished by his department (even if he doesn't flirt back, colleges are SO afraid of profs acting inappropriately that even a rumor could sink him professionally),

2) you could be pulled from his course,

3) you could receive a "code of conduct" violation if you do something too overt.

 

What will NOT happen is: you and he strike it off and date.

 

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but every single semester young professors have to deal with circumstances very much like what you're describing. Yeah, we get it: new to college, in love with the concept, enjoying our classes. But college professors are paid to show you how to use your noggins. Be certain to use them appropriately, and don't risk your academic reputation by pursuing what is basically a school-girl crush.

 

Now, if you want to fantasize about this guy or make silly jokes about him to your girlfriends, that's totally cool. Just don't begin to think that your feelings (however strong they are) are requited. Chances are they are not, and it's just the aura of the profession you're getting high off of.

 

 

Um, also? Don't have your phone out in class. That's not going to win you any points. Have fun in college!

 

(Edit to add: just saw you weren't in class when you had your phone out. Carry on then.)

Edited September 30, 2013 by nescafe1982

[Phoe]

ahh, I remember that feeling...

 

I had a bit of a crush on my physics professor in college. He was such a nerd... Mmmmm yesssss...

[nescafe1982]

ahh, I remember that feeling...

 

I had a bit of a crush on my physics professor in college. He was such a nerd... Mmmmm yesssss...

 

Of course, I had one of these too. A hot History prof who mentored me through undergrad. He was also the one who got me into grad school.

[emva07]

Of course, I had one of these too. A hot History prof who mentored me through undergrad. He was also the one who got me into grad school.

 

Haha same situation here. History professor, all girls had a crush on him, but I guess since he focused on what I focused on he was extra hot to me. He was my thesis mentor and all. Pretty silly.

 

Just a crush!!!

[sarah94]

Hi and thanks for your answers.. So just so you know here in my country if you're over 18, there's no law preventing you from dating a professor, and I looked on the chart of the university, nothing about that either.

 

The only thing that could happen to him ( and I mean if someone dates a professor they are not going to hang out together around school or to tell everyone etc.. that's logical) is if the student said the professor started this relationship in exchange of good grades. But I'm not at all trying to do that. And I would never do that because to me it sounds like prostitution.

 

Anyways, my class with him is ending in december, and I don't know if next semester I'll have a class with him, and I never said I wanted to actually date him or anything, especially not while I'm in his class!! to get to know him as a "friend" would be great ! And also if you didn't see in my first post: I'm not some sort of a young naive girl discovering university , I've been to university already last year, in a huge one, in a huge city as well, with really "famous" and talented professors. So here in this little university in a small medium sized city, I don't feel overwhelmed or anything, so I don't think it's due to me being a freshman since university is not so "fresh and new" to me. And I'm having a class with him this afternoon, so I'll see how it goes. And I don't think he is married. He doesn't wear an alliance and frankly he doesn't look like he's married. He's a flirt so if he was married that would make him a bad husband anyways. I don't know, I'm going to search info on him .

[The Way I Am]

One year of college doesn't make you worldly and experienced. I graduated college and spent a year at a 2nd college before I had a crush on a professor.

 

My advice is to forget it. Don't try to "make friends". If he cares at all about his career, he won't get that personal with students. He has no way of knowing who will/won't make false claims against him. So he would be wise to just avoid non-academic personal contact with students.

 

If he has a sense of decency, he won't date a student, because it's just unethical while that student is still attending the school he works for.

 

Best case scenario that he's a decent guy and you just look a bit foolish in your attempts to befriend him.

 

If he accepts your friendship/advances, he's most likely a player who doesn't care about students' well being or think about the consequences of his actions. If he takes up your "friendship", you'll most likely get hurt.

[Els]

I've lived and studied in two countries. Neither had an explicit law preventing students from dating their profs, and yet NOBODY DID.

 

Why do you think that is?

 

Regardless, you seem to be completely uninterested in the unanimous replies telling you to forget him and move on, so I don't see how adding my voice to the chorus would be of any benefit to you.

Edited September 30, 2013 by Elswyth

[GorillaTheater]

I've lived and studied in two countries. Neither had an explicit law preventing students from dating their profs, and yet NOBODY DID.

 

Why do you think that is?

 

Oh, it happens from time to time. But of all the incidents that have come to my attention I have yet to see one end well, for anyone. Of course, to be fair, if it comes to my attention in the first place, things have gone generally south.

 

As far as I know, such relationships are not "illegal" anywhere, and may not even violate written school policy. Nonetheless, it CAN be a career killer, and rest assured that he WILL throw you under the bus to save his career.

[nescafe1982]

 

Anyways, my class with him is ending in december, and I don't know if next semester I'll have a class with him, and I never said I wanted to actually date him or anything, especially not while I'm in his class!! to get to know him as a "friend" would be great ! And also if you didn't see in my first post: I'm not some sort of a young naive girl discovering university , I've been to university already last year, in a huge one, in a huge city as well, with really "famous" and talented professors. So here in this little university in a small medium sized city, I don't feel overwhelmed or anything, so I don't think it's due to me being a freshman since university is not so "fresh and new" to me. And I'm having a class with him this afternoon, so I'll see how it goes. And I don't think he is married. He doesn't wear an alliance and frankly he doesn't look like he's married. He's a flirt so if he was married that would make him a bad husband anyways. I don't know, I'm going to search info on him .

 

Yeah, see, that's the trouble. He's NOT a "flirt." You're misreading his interactions with you because you have a crush on him.

 

I never said I thought you were naive. I hold to my opinion that you are merely getting high off of his pedagogy, though (nothing more). That remains quite clear to me. I deal with students like this every semester; it's typical for students to have these crushes at one point or another in their college careers (I've had one, most people have).

 

What makes you naive is your decision to pursue it, and to pursue him outside of that classroom setting. That is truly naive.

 

No, there's no law against a professor hanging out with students outside of class. Not even against a professor dating a student. But the law is not what he will be worried about. Even if he does like you/flirt with you (which I don't buy) he could face losing his job or his reputation if he spends time with you outside of class. Even if nothing happens. Rumors are enough to tank a career. Especially if you're an unwed male professor.

 

(and come on, not to be mean and I'm sure you're a lovely, intelligent person, what does an 18 year old college freshman have to offer a professor in either a social or romantic sense, honestly? Put your feelings aside and think about how different his world is from yours.)

 

But by all means, go on and pursue this if you don't care about the consequences of your actions. Which also sounds incredibly naive, btw, but don't let that stop you. My money says he rebuffs you swiftly and you have the mortifying experience of having to see him around campus (from a distance) for the next 2-3 years. But hey, what do I know. I'm just a professor.

 

And report back when that happens. I'll be here, with popcorn.

Edited September 30, 2013 by nescafe1982

[lollipopspot]

I think in a case like this it's really the professor who has to set boundaries, as the one with greater age and authority. It sounds (to me at least) as though he's probably a flirt, so he likes the attention. That's o.k., as long as he keeps it somewhat reigned in and doesn't act on it. Some people are naturally flirty.

 

To the OP - I guess just enjoy the fantasy and realize it's not likely that anything will happen so don't get invested in it. You're with a whole campus of guys your own age - consciously try to move you focus to some of them, it will be less frustrating

[CarrieT]

Hi and thanks for your answers.. So just so you know here in my country if you're over 18, there's no law preventing you from dating a professor, and I looked on the chart of the university, nothing about that either.

There may not be a law, but he may have signed contracts with his Uni that preclude him from dating students.

 

In other words, he could LOSE HIS JOB as it would be a conflict of interest.

 

It has nothing to do with laws, but with job ethics.

[sarah94]

Thanks for all your answers.

 

So, to start, I'm 19 and not 18 (for the person who said I was 18) and I feel, and know, that from 18 to 19 I've learned and experienced many things and gained a lot of maturity. I don't think that someone who has worked since they were 13, dealt with some major "adult problems" as you could say is a "kid".

I'm not a kid and I know the risks . And I think you didn't understand what I said, because I'm never gonna let him know that I like him or even try to be his friend if he doesn't make some first move of any kind, I'm not a fool !!

 

And yes nescafe1982 I've heard you. But the thing is before being a student, I'm a girl and I know the signs when someone is interested by you ! I saw his behaviour outside of the classroom. Before being a teacher he's a man so I don't see why I would have to interpret his beahviour differently. And I don't see why me being 19 would be such an issue. I have a friend who's 20 and her boyfriend is 40. They get along very well. Sure for most people the age gap is a problem but I don't see why it would be for everyone, anyways I don't even know him yet, so who knows ?

 

Today I caught him staring at me many times during the class. I sat at the end of tables row( don't know how to explain , is there a word in English for it ?) and he came really close to me several times, whereas he never went to the other "tables row". And when I mean really close it was really close as if he came closer, he would have touched me . I also talked to him after class, and he was looking at me like he was so interested in what I was saying while I was only saying language classes were full on monday xD.

And he also smiled at me like 5 times so sorry if it's not flirt what is it then ?

[sarah94]

And for the other 2 people who answered, he's not gonna be my teacher anymore after december so I'll see if he makes a move or not. If not I'll obviously move on. And I find guys my age really immature.

[nescafe1982]

Thanks for all your answers.

 

So, to start, I'm 19 and not 18 (for the person who said I was 18) and I feel, and know, that from 18 to 19 I've learned and experienced many things and gained a lot of maturity. I don't think that someone who has worked since they were 13, dealt with some major "adult problems" as you could say is a "kid".

I'm not a kid and I know the risks . And I think you didn't understand what I said, because I'm never gonna let him know that I like him or even try to be his friend if he doesn't make some first move of any kind, I'm not a fool !!

 

And yes nescafe1982 I've heard you. But the thing is before being a student, I'm a girl and I know the signs when someone is interested by you ! I saw his behaviour outside of the classroom. Before being a teacher he's a man so I don't see why I would have to interpret his beahviour differently. And I don't see why me being 19 would be such an issue. I have a friend who's 20 and her boyfriend is 40. They get along very well. Sure for most people the age gap is a problem but I don't see why it would be for everyone, anyways I don't even know him yet, so who knows ?

 

Today I caught him staring at me many times during the class. I sat at the end of tables row( don't know how to explain , is there a word in English for it ?) and he came really close to me several times, whereas he never went to the other "tables row". And when I mean really close it was really close as if he came closer, he would have touched me . I also talked to him after class, and he was looking at me like he was so interested in what I was saying while I was only saying language classes were full on monday xD.

And he also smiled at me like 5 times so sorry if it's not flirt what is it then ?

 

18, 19. Potato, potato. There isn't some kind of watershed of experience between these two years. I'm sure it seems like an enormous difference to you, but from where I'm standing, it's a minuscule amount of months. And I'm likely younger than your professor (I'm 30).

 

You haven't shared anything in your posts that sound like he's flirting to me. Smiling does not mean flirting. Walking about the room does not mean flirting.

 

You're headed for a rude awakening. Good luck with that.

 

p.s. I agree with what the other poster said about "his responsibility" to maintain proper decorum. If my previous posts made it sound like this student is "in charge" of keeping appropriate boundaries... well, that's not what I meant. Actually, it's pretty hard for young college students to identify and maintain proper interpersonal boundaries (as this thread indicates), so the responsibility for this is 100% the professor's. My remarks to the OP are designed merely to discourage her from acting impulsively on an impossible crush because, ultimately, he will assert those boundaries and it will hurt her feelings (at best) or her academic reputation (at worst). Anyway, telling a a teenager that she's got a bad idea is itself a bad idea... apparently. Because OP seems more convinced that she NEEDS to pursue this than she was when she came here to LS. Impulsive, indeed.

[nescafe1982]

And I find guys my age really immature.

 

 

I can't say I envy you there. College guys are not exactly the cream of the crop. Especially the freshmen. Yeesh. I think sometimes this is the root of all professor crushes. The college boys are so inadequate, and the young professors seem to have it so "together" by comparison. In a couple of year, OP, hopefully the male students will grow up a bit. You could try mixing it up with some of the juniors or seniors, though.

[The Way I Am]

Thanks for all your answers.

So, to start, I'm 19 and not 18 (for the person who said I was 18) and I feel, and know, that from 18 to 19 I've learned and experienced many things and gained a lot of maturity.

 

Do you really not realize how naive this sounds? One year in the scope of life experiences is pretty much nothing. The fact that you don't realize this nullifies all your claims of maturity.

 

 

I'm not one to judge age differences. I'm 31 and my boyfriend is 21. Some people are naturally more mature than the average person their age or mature faster due to circumstances. My bf grew up in poverty in a communist country and is more responsible and respectful of women than 30-40 years olds I've dated.

 

But guess what. I'm not his freakin' professor. I'm not in a position of authority over him. My job is not to try to help shape his mind and future. If I were his professor, that would be creepy and unethical.

 

I stand by what I already said. If he comes onto you or accepts your advances, he's a creep, and you will get hurt.

Edited September 30, 2013 by The Way I Am

[sarah94]

Nescafe1982 : The thing is for now I've never talked to a guy Under let's say 25 who is mature. They all want fun and mind games, and I can't stand that.

 

I don't think teachers-students relationships are creepy in college. If you're mature enough to go to college and face responsibilities and live on your own ( here we don't have roomates, or any kind of social life in the "dorms", college is really "individual" ) you're mature enough to date an adult, and the fact that he's your professor should not be a problem as soon as the semester is over.

 

And other than that, yes I do think that I'm mature. I won't bother you with all the details of my life, but I was confronted to several death, suicide, cancer, big money issues,disease, psychological manipulation and abuse ) so I think I'm not a child anymore and I know that life is not easy and I also know that sometimes you have to break the rules because otherwise you'll always Wonder " what if ?"

 

I think you all made your point, but I disagree. You don't take in consideration what I say but anyway that was interesting to know your point of view. Now, I know what I have to do : keeping my interest for his subject, asking a lot of questions, dressing nicely, saying hi to him when I see him outside of class and doing small talks. And I'll see how things go until december. I personally don't have much hope but we can never know what life has planned for us so I'll kep you updated if you don't mind .

Edited September 30, 2013 by sarah94

[The Way I Am]

I don't think teachers-students relationships are creepy in college. If you're mature enough to go to college and face responsibilities and live on your own ( here we don't have roomates, or any kind of social life in the "dorms", college is really "individual" ) you're mature enough to date an adult, and the fact that he's your professor should not be a problem as soon as the semester is over.

 

You poor naive girl. Sleeping with your professor is right up there with sleeping with your therapist or your boss. Creepy.

 

You don't take in consideration what I say

 

What exactly do you think you've said that hasn't been taken into consideration?

 

I personally don't have much hope but we can never know what life has planned for us so I'll kep you updated if you don't mind .

 

Please do. I'd always try to give people advice to avoid a train wreck, but reading about them when they've ignored common sense is a guilty pleasure.

 

Hopefully you'll just end up looking silly and feeding his ego. Don't think you're the only 19 year old who's ever tried your strategy. He'll see right through what you're doing.

[sarah94]

I don't think it's creepy but if you do that's your choice.

 

And I'm not gonna do "anything" per say, so I don't know how could I end up looking silly?

[The Way I Am]

And I'm not gonna do "anything" per say, so I don't know how could I end up looking silly?

 

Oh my... If you don't know, the chances are really good that you will.

[The Way I Am]

Seriously do keep us updated. I'm not trying to be mean. Most people have been in similar shoes at one point. Sometimes we just have to learn for ourselves.

[GorillaTheater]

Seriously do keep us updated. I'm not trying to be mean. Most people have been in similar shoes at one point. Sometimes we just have to learn for ourselves.

 

Similar questions pop up fairly regularly. It would be interesting to see how it plays out.

[nescafe1982]

You know, when my prof friends and I talk about our students, we call them our "kids." It's not really accurate; many of my students are 23, 24, 25. But still we call them "kids."

 

Why? Because we don't see them as available adults for social or romantic connection. You absolute cannot, when you're a prof. Not only is it against the rules, but there's some kind of self-preservation psychology thing in there that makes it impossible for me to see any of my students as sexually available beings.

 

OP, if you want further evidence that this prof will turn all of your advances down cold, just take a look at the current job market for professors. In my subfield this year, there are two (TWO!) positions available nation-wide. Tell me, why would I risk those long odds to carry on with one of my students? In any given field in academe this year, a single advertised position will yield 300-400 applicants. This guy would have to be an absolute dumbass to get involved with a student when he knows how quickly/easily he'd be replaced.

 

But go on, my snow flake. I'm sure you're special enough to warrant all that drama.