I have a crush on my college professor...

[sarah94]

The Way I am : Yes, I don't know. Cause I'm not gonna confess that i have a crush or be too obvious about it so if he never make a first move, then it's like nothing happened cause I will not be humiliated since he doesn't know I Have a crush on him

[sarah94]

nescafe: The thing that I don't get is why you say that when I already said that if anything would happen it would be after the semester is over??

[nescafe1982]

nescafe: The thing that I don't get is why you say that when I already said that if anything would happen it would be after the semester is over??

 

Because you don't stop being a "kid" in the mind of your prof just because the semester is over. By being a charge of his Uni, you are most likely placed in the same psychological box as all the other university "kids."

 

Your presence or absence in his classroom also doesn't change the very real risks he would have to take to merely entertain being involved with you socially.

 

Nothing changes when the semester ends. You'll still be a school-girl with a crush. And next term (if he's as cute as you say) he's be trying to avoid awkward situations with the next freshman girl who sits in the front row in her best Sunday clothing.

 

I know I sound harsh, mean even. I don't judge you, though. Really, I don't. You just seem to have very little comprehension of your own role or subjectivity in this situation. Typical of college freshmen, sure... but you have the power not to make this awkward. So I a) wouldn't pursue him, now or ever, and b) don't wait in vain for him to "make the first move," because he won't. Enjoy the crush for what it is, though... it's an essential part of the college experience.

 

I'm sort of over the subject now. Report back how this whole thing goes down in the end, or don't. Who cares. But if you've never seen it before, check out the forums over at the "Chronicle of Higher Education." There are hundreds of posts just like yours, every single semester. And every single one of them thinks that they're that one special case that defies all the others.

[lollipopspot]

sarah, I'm curious...are you in a South American country? Maybe things are somewhat different there than in the states?

 

From what she's written I think he might be flirting with her - but it sounds like he's a flirt generally.

 

Sarah, if I were 19 and in your position I'd probably be thinking the same thing. Just keep in mind that nothing is likely to happen, and it probably won't end great even if something does. He really shouldn't mix his profession with romance, and it's poor judgement if he does. But that's not really on you at this point - he's the one who needs to set boundaries. But I think life is about learning, and you can learn something from this experience no matter how it turns out

[sarah94]

lollipopspot No I'm from France. and at this point I'm just going to be passivr I guess because there's not much I can do without looking obvious.

[lollipopspot]

O.k., maybe different sexual mores in France.

 

Do professors there ever have open relationships with their students? How is it looked on? If you had a relationship with a professor, what would your parents and friends think - would this be acceptable and "normal" enough, or something that would be hidden or taboo? Would your parents think you were being taken advantage of?

Edited September 30, 2013 by lollipopspot

[The Way I Am]

A former coworker of mine who was about 40-ish told a story once about a teenage girl attempting to flirt with him at a baseball game. Twirling her hair, showing a bit of leg, etc. She probably thought she was being coy an alluring. He was just amused and embarrassed for the poor girl.

 

A couple months ago, some teenaged neighbor came up to me trying have a conversation and act all casual. It's hard to explain why it was so funny when he tried to nonchalantly ask if I have a boyfriend, but it just was. I let him down gently.

 

If your professor is a gentleman, you might not be immediately embarrassed, but once you're his age and some young guy tries to flirt with you, you'll reflect and be retroactively amused and embarrassed for yourself. You'll see young women being completely obvious when they think they're being casual and coy and think to yourself, "omg. I can't believe I did that at that age." Hopefully that's how it'll go.

 

If he's not very graceful about letting you down or you do something too overt without realizing, it could be immediately embarrassing.

[lollipopspot]

A couple months ago, some teenaged neighbor came up to me trying have a conversation and act all casual. It's hard to explain why it was so funny when he tried to nonchalantly ask if I have a boyfriend, but it just was. I let him down gently.

 

If your professor is a gentleman, you might not be immediately embarrassed, but once you're his age and some young guy tries to flirt with you, you'll reflect and be retroactively amused and embarrassed for yourself. You'll see young women being completely obvious when they think they're being casual and coy and think to yourself, "omg. I can't believe I did that at that age." Hopefully that's how it'll go.

 

I think males are often different than females in this regard though. For me, the thought of being with someone a lot younger and inexperienced is not appealing. But apparently for a lot of males, it is.

[Els]

You don't HAVE to date fellow college students if you don't really want to (though I have found that there are always exceptions - not all college boys just want wham-bam-thank-you-mam). It's okay to date older if you really want to.

 

But your professor is just a bad idea all around, period. Even if your semester was over and he wasn't teaching YOUR class anymore. Too close for comfort and too much room for speculation.

 

If we're talking about after you've graduated entirely for a year or so... maaaaybe.

 

But again, I doubt you're going to heed this.

[sarah94]

lollipopspot : When my sister was in university ( the same I'm going to, except she was in an other department) a girl of her class was dating the professor and people seemed to know about it but no one said a thing about it and the two of them eventually got married. And she was like 22 and the teacher about 40 so it's even older than the age difference between me and my professor. But other than that example, it's not really common. I mean I don't hear about that a lot anyways. And my parents would " kill me", but they would if it was any guy, even a guy my own age so it's not relevant. But my friends would probably find that weird I admit. Like people would stare and say they're dating... But there wouldn't be any hate or shame or anything , some people would probably be like she's dating him so she can have good grades but not everyone thinks this way.

 

 

Elswyth: I know he's a bad idea and that it's unlikely to happen but I can't stop thinking about him . And it rarely happens for me to be so into someone.

 

The Way I Am : I get what you're saying but I don't think I'm too obvious but yes maybe you're right in 10 years maybe I'll realize I was kinda dumb.

 

Believe me if I could like someone around my age, I would but I can't force myself to like someone I don't like.

[Trimmer]

In a couple of year, OP, hopefully the male students will grow up a bit. You could try mixing it up with some of the juniors or seniors, though.

Yes, if I recall, I believe the upperclassmen can be quite vigorous in their pursuit of incoming freshman women...

 

But go on, my snow flake. I'm sure you're special enough to warrant all that drama.

Hey, c'mon - you're laying out a perfectly valid and convincing argument that it's an age-old tradition that you can count on any number of young students each year to be incurably starry-eyed, and then you're ripping pretty viciously on her for being exactly what you say is quite common. Your points are all valid and correct; this just seemed... not just make-a-point mean, but vicious-mean.

 

And may I point out that while I agree with the overwhelming sentiment that this is not likely to go anywhere, that she is misinterpreting her perceptions of his behavior, and that if it did go anywhere, it would likely end up in some kind of a bad place, many of you who continue to rip on her for the idea that she will "get rejected" because she is going to "make advances" may have missed the following:

 

And I think you didn't understand what I said, because I'm never gonna let him know that I like him or even try to be his friend if he doesn't make some first move of any kind, I'm not a fool !!

 

So Sarah: you are not as old and mature as you think you are, but I understand that it is impossible for you to see that yet. Your professor is not likely specially and romantically interested in just you - although you may feel it that way - but it may be impossible for you to see that yet. And even if he did approach you, it would likely be a generally negative outcome if you started something romantic with him, but - see where I'm going with this? - you may not be able to see that yet.

 

Bottom line: The most sensible part of your whole thought process is the bolded statement in the quote above. If you stay with this idea that unless he approaches you with a clear intention, you will not pursue him, or even let him know of your attraction, I think it is likely that everything will be just fine (because - as nescafe pretty convincingly argues - there are a number of compelling reasons to believe that will not happen.)

Edited October 1, 2013 by Trimmer

[nescafe1982]

Your points are all valid and correct; this just seemed... not just make-a-point mean, but vicious-mean.

 

You're absolutely right here. To be honest my sentiment sounded much less vicious in my head, and the "starry-eyed student" is such a common subject of discussion among my colleagues and I that I think the combo of a) sarcasm and b) stereotypes that are arch-typical in my professional circles (but not-so-acceptable outside of those circles) made that part of my post seem more mean-spirited than I intended it to.

 

And to be perfectly honest, I hit "edit" immediately after publishing it and tried to delete that zinger; but by the time I hit "resubmit," LS would not allow me to change the post's content. Alas.

 

But you're right... that bit there came off about 1000% sharper-sounding than I intended it to.

 

The reality is that these kind of crushes are very common (as has been said). So common that it gets very, very easy to hear about one of these crushes and think "Oh not this **** again." One forgets that for the OP, this is the first time they've encountered the situation. It's new to her, however "typical" it looks to me.

 

OP, I hope my substantive comments were useful to you in some way, even if my sarcasm came off more "viciously mean" than "slightly snarky."

[Trimmer]

And to be perfectly honest, I hit "edit" immediately after publishing it and tried to delete that zinger; but by the time I hit "resubmit," LS would not allow me to change the post's content. Alas.

Yeah, the system is set so that if any other post comes after yours (which can happen within seconds, sometimes) you can't edit. It's to prevent someone commenting on a post, then you going and "revising history" to render their comments irrelevant or confusing.

 

OP, I hope my substantive comments were useful to you in some way, even if my sarcasm came off more "viciously mean" than "slightly snarky."

For me, it's specifically because the rest of your commentary is so spot-on and directly relevant to the thread topic that this comment stuck out. Your perspective from "the other side of the lectern" is interesting to hear.

[The Way I Am]

And may I point out that while I agree with the overwhelming sentiment that this is not likely to go anywhere, that she is misinterpreting her perceptions of his behavior, and that if it did go anywhere, it would likely end up in some kind of a bad place, many of you who continue to rip on her for the idea that she will "get rejected" because she is going to "make advances" may have missed the following:

 

I didn't so much miss it as have been a teenage to young twenties girl who's said similar things then got a little too wrapped up in the crush and acted dumbly/embarrassingly -- not necessarily with a professor. I was wise enough with my prof not to do anything other than act a little mooney eyed. Thinking back now, I'm kind of mortified at how obvious even that must have been.

 

I don't think she intends to make any overt advances, but she's said she plans to go out of her way to start up conversations with him, clearly with the hope that those will progress to flirting and then more. Even the "just talking" is probably going to be obvious. And you never know. If he is a flirt and leads her on, she could get her hopes up and decide to actually make a move, which could be really embarrassing or could get her in trouble. Even worse, he could be a sleazy player, and use her obvious "just talking" attempts to get her in bed.

Edited October 2, 2013 by The Way I Am

[Trimmer]

I didn't so much miss it as have been a teenage to young twenties girl who's said similar things then got a little too wrapped up in the crush and acted dumbly/embarrassingly -- not necessarily with a professor. I was wise enough with my prof not to do anything other than act a little mooney eyed. Thinking back now, I'm kind of mortified at how obvious even that must have been.

 

I don't think she intends to make any overt advances, but she's said she plans to go out of her way to start up conversations with him, clearly with the hope that those will progress to flirting and then more. Even the "just talking" is probably going to be obvious. And you never know. If he is a flirt and leads her on, she could get her hopes up and decide to actually make a move, which could be really embarrassing or could get her in trouble. Even worse, he could be a sleazy player, and use her obvious "just talking" attempts to get her in bed.

Fair points. And that's why I took the one point that I believe we all (including the OP) can rally around: she shouldn't make any advances. If there's one thing in this thread that even the OP agrees with, that seems to be it. So given that hopeful starting point, if we can just encourage her (and strengthen her resolve) not to make any advances, then most likely everything will work out OK in the situation.

[The Way I Am]

Agreed. But also I have to stick by my advice that even if he makes a move, just don't go there. A professor who would date a current student at their college is a creep. It's unlikely, but it does happen and would probably be painful for her.

[emva07]

My 70 year old History professor was married to woman who was his student at some point. Granted 9/10 this doesn't happen.

 

This also happened in the 70s (the love affair not when I had him )....so times were different.

[nescafe1982]

Agreed. But also I have to stick by my advice that even if he makes a move, just don't go there. A professor who would date a current student at their college is a creep. It's unlikely, but it does happen and would probably be painful for her.

 

Similarly, I've seen student-lovers of professors get "disappeared" from the rosters. This is especially the case if the professor is tenured, and even more so if he's a man.

 

It ain't right, but it happens. It's happened on my campus. A prof who sleeps with a student should be censured and probably fired. But what often happens is that the University can't be rid of him so they get rid of the young student instead.

 

Which of course, leaves such a professor free to try on the next student.

[nescafe1982]

My 70 year old History professor was married to woman who was his student at some point. Granted 9/10 this doesn't happen.

 

This also happened in the 70s (the love affair not when I had him )....so times were different.

 

My grandfather was a teaching-assistant for a class my grandmother attended. So yeah, it happened back then too. But times were different then.

 

In another way, they aren't though. One constant is that a woman who gets involved with a professor has SO MUCH MORE to lose than a man who does the same thing.

[denise_xo]

I also teach at a university and would second everything nescafe has said. Keep your hands off the professor and your life will be much easier.