To Flirt or be Hunted? - Maintaining relations w/a 'traveling well dressed busyman.'

[Quiet Waters]

Tonight, I come to you good people for advice; I am a late bloomer in everything - even dating. Sure I've had my stint with an abusive boyfriend, and I've had my first 'love,' but in all honesty I'm green to this whole game of dating, and I don't want to ruin what could become a potentially deep relationship. Though long, I hope this post merits some response.

 

I never thought I'd find myself in a situation that would merit this inquiry. Sorry guys, but there are a few of you that make girls like me give up on your whole sex. But not him - an intellectual 'traveling well dressed busy-man' with a beautiful soul, but has one of those esteemed professions that forces its young colleagues to be on the other side of the world at the drop of a hat. I'd flee if it weren't for his other qualities. I have no reason to suspect I'm out of his league. I am beautiful (I'm modest so saying such is hard), mid twenties well traveled by American standards, and graduating from a promising college. I'm not perfect but I don't require a lot of grooming to sparkle. Though a late bloomer, I have aspirations which match his in other fields, but I am levelheaded, independent and the idea of being someone's 'girl' still nauseates me on many levels.

 

Here's the real kicker. A few months ago, we met online. I'm no fool and he's given me empirical evidence that he's told me the truth in regard to his profession and whatnot. But like most sensible people, I'm a skeptic that this could ever work. But then again, why not? We have a lot that makes us compatible. Furthermore, there is a 50% chance that I will end where he is (because of my personal goals) and a 100% chance that we'll be in a situation where we can see each other on a weekly basis come summer. Finally, he clearly made the effort to know me first. After an amazing im conversation he sent me his number. After a few more, he began dropping hints that he'd like to pursue a relationship. So we made tentative plans to meet up in a few months to see if we could in fact move from Platonic and flirtatious, to romance.

 

Then there was the election - that sordid night you spend perched in front of a TV hoping your candidate wins. After that I noticed a drastic change in him. Though he's called me once, he's been extremely busy which does not surprise me given his line of work. But it is nerve wracking when I have the time for nerves. We haven't spoken much since the 6th, though I've called him once, and phone-texed messaged him 2 or 3 times over the past 2 or 3 weeks asking him to call me or let me know when I can call. I've gotten replies. The last message I received from him was mixed. He says he's swamped and plans to meet in two months look difficult as he's out of the country for several weeks, but he still wants a sensual favor and therefore wants to know when I'm coming. I replied, supportive about his stress but affirming I still hoped to talk to him about the trip.

 

My sister says 'lay off.' Men like to hunt and added pressure for communication is a good way smother such a delicate setup. Don't make the relationship yet another 'business affair' with requests to plan calls and distant communication.' It makes sense. He's got enough business already and probably wants a busy girl who doesn't spend time online asking for relationship advice. And my sister might know. She is married to one of these traveling well dressed busymen. She says he is extremely busy and men of his nature won't stick with 'clingy girls.' Furthermore - why bother? I do care for him, but I'm not desperate. I am extremely busy myself (especially w/ finals looming) and I could have any guy I want. Besides, to me, requesting phone calls from a traveling well dressed busyman who has given me no reason not to trust him seems rather silly when he's stressed making decisions that could affect the world. It's like asking the president to make balloon doggies at your nephew's birthday party.

 

Yet I want him to know I'm still 'fun' and supportive, that I think of him and that I care enough that I'm willing hang in there when he's unable to call me from the other side of the world (this will be common place in a long term relationship). That's when my third friend (the third traveling well dressed busyman in his direct family) suggested something I almost did before my sister told me lay off.

 

He said: "You know what country he's in. Send him a clever culturally relevant and tantalizing (but not slutty) text message that might merit a response, but does not pry on the 'business aspect' of a relationship. Guys love that stuff - at the very least he'll smile because he gets a sensual message from a beautiful girl over seas."

 

Sounds fun! But it's not exactly his hunt if I send such a phone message, or does that matter? On the other hand, he claims to like my forward comments or flirtatious stories I've sent him on the fly, and he may grow tired of a girl who doesn't pay attention to him except upon requesting a call. Why be so serious all the time? Especially when he's busy? So, should I flirt or let him hunt me? Or should I do as Roxy Hart says in "Chicago?" "Aloof - just enough to make 'em good and hungry but always leave 'em wanting' more?" I don't know. All seem 'of my nature,' but given my creative side I'd have to say the flirtatious phone-text message sounds most like 'me.' Would it scare him off though? I am also sensitive to my stressed friends and don't want to be a burden. Decisions, decisions and I certainly don't have time to weigh all this out let alone write this message.

 

So, I'd honestly appreciate your advice in regard to both the message and the genearl situation. I may have more questions later if I have time to ask them.

 

Thanks!

[indigo_moon]

You've barely heard from him since the 6th of this month. That's 3 weeks ago. How much time or effort, on his part, does it take to make a phone call? Send a nice email? Want to make plans? Surely he's not working 24 hrs a day. If someone means something to you, they find the time for you. Be wary. You met him online. He may have met someone who's more available to him. I suggest you just leave him be - don't send him the message that it's acceptable for him to basically blow you off except for a few crumbs here and there. Send him the message that you're going on with your life, regardless of him. To send him a cute, coy, sexy msg might cause him to think you're just back home, pining away for him. Just my thoughts.

[Merin]

Well.. I don't know.. My take is this.. IF you're to "Busy" to call me or let me know you're thinking about me.. then you're to "Busy" to date me as well.

 

While I can understand that a lot of people are "Busy" with work, family, friends.. whatever.. It is still my belief that IF a guy has an interest in a woman He WILL make the time to show her his interest, no matter how Busy his life may be.

 

So with that said.. Let him persue you if he is interested. IF not, then as you've said, you won't have any trouble finding another guy who isn't so busy he leaves you spending your time wondering IF he is indeed into you.

 

Good Luck

[whichwayisup]

Just remember online 'friendships' can fade out just as quickly as they 'happen to fall into your lap'. Calls or not, it's not the same as face to face friendships. Personally I think online friendships just get intense! Just happens. I know with my I love and adore ALL my online friends who I chat with on IM. But it's taken a long time to build these friendships. I do have lots of trust, I have not yet been burned, but I do know lots of people who have. It's really easy to 'fall' for something being typed to you by a guy! Makes you feel good about YOU and the kicker is, some guys just don't see that other person as REAL, with real feelings... A girlfriend of mine just recently had her online romance go south and it's like he totally did a 180. And he basically has up and disappeared! Very easy to change email addy's, screen names and IM's...Poof! Gone. And then you're there left to deal with the ouchies!!

 

BUT it also can be something wonderful as well! I know afew people who met online and fell inlove, over time met face to face and got married!!! So it's not all bad.

 

I would be totally upfront and honest with him. Don't play games. If you want more from him, talk to him. If he does really like you and want you then he'll tell you, OR make him tell you!! Sitting and waiting and wondering is just gonna eat you up!

 

Good luck!!

[moimeme]

First of all, WTF is a

 

"traveling well dressed busyman" ? Because it sounds an awful lot to me like a travelling salesman, really. How do you even know he's well-dressed, for that matter?

 

And I love this: "but he still wants a sensual favor" Yeah, I'll just bet he does.

 

I'm afraid this just goes to show that bright gals can be as easily misled and bamboozled as anybody else. You shouldn't have to request phone calls. He ought to miss talking to you enough to take the initiative to call.

 

I really would not pin my hopes on this individual, and I would absolutely *not* meet him to give him a 'sensual favour'.

 

If he can travel all over the world, he can travel to your town. I'd find myself a stationery dressed-ok not-so-busy man if I were you.

[Quiet Waters]

I'm trying to be vague and maybe a little silly with the 'traveling well dressed busyman' title. He travels a lot, his job requires that he dresses well and he's EXTREMELY busy. There are a lot of professions he could fall in that fit this - most of which have to do with the international market or politics that seemingly make this world go round.

 

I guess what I mean is what he does for a living is something that changes depending on politics etc. He isn't going to stick with someone who can't be understanding about this. My sister's husband for example travels a lot and often goes straight to bed when he gets home. We're talking about extremely busy people who are probably as busy as I am during finals week. I'm trying to be understanding of this but it's hard. We're still in the young stages of our relationship though, and I'm in no position to ask him to call me at a dollar a minute.

 

On the other hand you're right - I don't want to be fooled. It would be interesting to hear a man's take on my situation. I've found that most women say "don't send the message, let him come for you," while most men say "if you want to, send the fun little message - guys are thick headed and don't like girls who play games. Besides, men don't like women who constantly guilt them by not initiating anything." Granted my study only spans to 3 or 4 people and the peopel who reply here.

 

WTF do I know? : ). Thanks for the replys so far. I'm curious to keep reading.

[Merin]

Originally posted by Quiet Waters

- guys are thick headed and don't like girls who play games.

 

Seems to me, HE's the one playing games.