I resent my mother...

[sheis]

Hi all. Was hoping to get a little bit of input and advice. Thank you in advance.

My mother is and always has been overbearing, emotionally manipulative and controlling. Oh...SOOO controlling! Throw in lots of anxiety and obsessive tendencies--and you have my mom.

 

She always has been able to "dish it out" but not take it. She takes pride on speaking her mind and telling it like it is-but is ridiculously thin skinned when the shoe is on the other foot. Usually, this behavior has just been tolerated. It made life easier. We all knew it--my dad, brother and myself-but we just sucked it up. Well, not so much my brother. They have had their problems over the years-because as a child she treated him horribly. She picked on him, taking pleasure in breaking him to the point of tears. In turn they had a strained relationship for many years--just recently they are on good terms again.

 

I was the so called preferred child, though this came at a price. Her affection was conditional--as long as I towed the line. And I did. Until I was 12 or 13 I gladly joined in on the belittling of my little brother. I realized it was so wrong and stopped my part in it, telling her she should stop doing that to him. She hissed at me..."Who's side are you ON?"... I knew this was sick behavior, but I just turned the other cheek. My brother eventually went on to develop a drinking problem and had many problems with the law as a result. Thankfully, he stopped drinking and turned his life around--and in turn forgave our mother.

 

My mother and father had a miserable marriage. He was weak and let her walk all over him and make all the decisions. I realize that, early on, my mother probably had no choice but to take control--as my father never did. So I can't blame her wholly...as she had to be the dominant one. He also had drinking problem, and though was a hard working man who provided for the family--I'm sure she felt he was not there for her, and this turned to resentment and lack of respect. She spent our lives making fun of him, belittling him and basically emasculating him...( like she did to my brother...) My dad just took it, and admits that he wishes he had been stronger--and also to feeling guilt for not sticking up for my brother when she attacked him. I know that guilty feeling very well, and carried it around for many years--especially when I had my own son and realized what unconditional love was all about. You're supposed to think your kids are wonderful, warts and all. My mother didn't think this of her children. No compliments, proud moments, sense of pride in us. She almost took joy in breaking our self esteem, if this makes sense?

 

Fast forward, after my dad retired...he finally started speaking up for himself. Add in financial difficulties, mostly brought on because my mother loved to spend money but refused to get a job and make any, and they ended up separating. Once my dad started defending himself, my mom became a professional victim. Decided he was abusive and just could not live with him one more second. Not much changed, my mom still controls what time he gets up, when he can go out...( they have a dog that can't be left alone, and she decides when he needs to watch the dog...) It's a control thing, she has to have control at all times.

 

It was discovered recently that my dad had a lady friend. My dad felt this was his own personal business and lied to her about his relationship with this woman. Of course she found out. This just made her feel like more of a victim--acting as if he cheated on her and as if he should be happy being alone the rest of his life--as she appears to be.

 

Sorry this is long winded! Anyway, because of this "victim" mentality she has acquired--my deep seated resentments have come to the surface. I basically told her some things that she should have heard many years ago--about her behavior, the way she treated us, that she isn't actually as perfect as she needs to believe she is. This of course caused a riff--that has been going on for a couple of months now. My mom, according to my dad, is not doing so well and my dad is begging me to apologize...even though "we all know she is wrong...just do it for ME!" He can't stand to see her sad, mad...upset. Though she never seemed to mind hurting his feelings all those years. She is manipulating him...and though he knows is he still feels responsible for her and would rather feel like crap himself than have her sad...(she's good..)

 

I called her on her sh*t and she completely melted down. I told her things about herself that HAD to sting--but were a long time coming. Instead of owning up, even telling me she thinks I'm wrong and WHY she thinks I'm wrong--She has gone into victim mode, holding a huge grudge and manipulating my dad into thinking the whole thing is somehow HIS fault, making him just about beg me to tell her I should not have said what I said.

 

Well--no can do. I don't regret telling her how I felt and in fact wish I had said this to her years ago. My adult son, who she actually treated wonderfully and in a way that children SHOULD be treated--even says that she is toxic for me. My brother fears she may be unwell, mentally. I'm torn--as I can remember incidents over the years where she would do or say something out of line, I would call her on it, she would act the same exact way she is acting now--and then I would usually cave in to make it easier. She knows how to lay on the guilt thick...even when she is the guilty party.

 

I'm not sure what I'm actually looking for here. Like I said, I'd like some input-but also kind of need to vent.

 

I shouldn't apologize, right? Everyone in the family agrees that she needed to hear what I said to her--but also agrees that she is not taking it so well and concerned with the fact that at almost 70 years of age, she may never be able to change and this is all a moot point anyway. Or is that a cop out?

 

As long as this is, it's still a Readers Digest version of 40 plus years of her bad behavior. I think emotionally abusive is the best way to sum it up--though there are so many other components to it.

 

As bad as this all sounds....and IS...my mother does have some good qualities and has been there for me a lot in my life. We used to be very close--though I always felt there was a sense of falseness, since I could never really speak my mind nor defend myself or my family members.

 

Thanks for reading...much appreciated...

Edited September 30, 2013 by sheis
To add

[Grumpybutfun]

sheis:

This situation is completely unhealthy. Your father is unable to differentiate what is healthy or not and is just trying to make the peace. Catering to people like this only feeds their sickness and makes them stronger so do not apologize. As someone who has a wife who has been in your shoes with a manipulative mother and an enabling father, I can only tell you what a Therapist told her a long time ago...."Going No Contact with a toxic parent is the only way you can lead a healthy and productive life." When She did this, her life did a 180, and she really wishes she had gone NC sooner. There is no dealing with this type of crazy making.

Best of Luck,

Grumps

[sheis]

sheis:

This situation is completely unhealthy. Your father is unable to differentiate what is healthy or not and is just trying to make the peace. Catering to people like this only feeds their sickness and makes them stronger so do not apologize. As someone who has a wife who has been in your shoes with a manipulative mother and an enabling father, I can only tell you what a Therapist told her a long time ago...."Going No Contact with a toxic parent is the only way you can lead a healthy and productive life." When She did this, her life did a 180, and she really wishes she had gone NC sooner. There is no dealing with this type of crazy making.

Best of Luck,

Grumps

 

 

Hi there--and thank you for your response and for sharing the experience that your wife had.

 

"No Contact" is definitely something that I have been advised to do, by most people that know the situation. The idea of not talking to my mother takes a huge weight off of my shoulders--I have not enjoyed her company or even talking with her in a long time. Perfect case of "loving but not liking" someone.

 

I have a deep sense of guilt ingrained in me, always have. This is how my mother has always kept me on a short leash--by using guilt. She can tell me anything she wants to about myself that is negative-but cries and crumbles when her own shortcomings are brought to light. Goes into victim mode instead of realizing..."Hmmm...wonder if any of what she says is true?" I honestly believe that she is physically incapable of admitting any sort or weakness on her own part. It devastates her. And for decades we have all given in...

 

Have received several calls from my dad, admitting that she is guilting him into calling, telling me I should just apologize to get the family back together. That she is my mother and even though she is wrong--I am being too assertive and need to concede. For him. Again, he admits I should not have to do this--but by telling her I was wrong in what I said to her, it would "fix" everything.

 

I told him he should tell her that this is between her and I--that she should not be involving him. Problem is, since this went down, she has now become more clingy and needy of him. Which HE can't handle, so he just wants to make it all better. She usually has nothing nice to say about the man, insulting just about everything he says and does. NOW she expects him to pick up the pieces for her. This manipulation in itself just makes me even more determined to stay out of contact. My dad's solution to everything is to just sweep it under the rug--especially if it makes her upset.

 

I told him I would hate myself if I apologized just to make her feel better. This does not solve anything and just gives her even less reason to own her behavior. But then I get to feeling guilty--thinking my parents are aging, why not just suck it up? Even as I type that...my stomach turns. I think of her sitting alone, crying, upset...but then realize that SHE could agree to just talk about it. Clear the air. She won't do that, though. It's all or nothing--I must apologize or she stays "sad"...

 

I think counseling would probably help me-though I've seen my mother start it and it has turned her into the ultimate victim. I can't believe that this counselor she see's does not call her on any of her crap. Though I know my mother is probably very selective in what she tells her counselor, I know that this therapist must be telling my mother exactly what she wants to hear...as I know my mother would drop her services if she were to make her see herself in an accurate light.

[Grumpybutfun]

sheis:

This isn't about your mother or your father, this is about you and your health. Guilt is the ultimate weapon and should never be employed by a healthy parent to manipulate a child. That, in itself, is a huge red flag as to emotional abuse. Boundaries are the most important thing you will learn to develop. As for your father, by trying to placate her, he is disrespecting you and your feelings. The tears and "victimization" modes are just weapons she uses to get her own way and thanks to your father training you all to observe and respect that behavior, your mother has become so proficient at it that she can fool her Therapist. In order to really heal and move forward with a healthy life, you may have to go NC with your father too. My wife had to do this because her father is so caught up in this mess that he is codependent and unhealthy too.

Counseling would be to help you establish boundaries for future relationships too, while helping you to come to grips with what this victimization has done to you. Without NC though, nothing you do will ever bring you real peace with a toxic set of parents around...and I say parents because your father's begging you to copy his behavior is destructive to your psyche and identity. It also is only perpetuating her bad behaviors.

I know that not having parents will be hard to take, but the alternative is just too painful for your future. Their crazy making behavior will taint everything you touch regardless of your strength of character or your actions to curb them.

Good luck,

Grumps

[chucksagent]

Sheis - My mother is the same exact way. Only difference is, she's been married 3 times and actually has a job/works hard and wasn't verbally abusive in the way you described.

 

HOWEVER...my mother used AND STILL HEAVILY uses guilt...she is dramatic...she is controlling...she is a know-it-all...she creates issues where there are none...she can RIP me down and knock me, but if I say even the SMALLEST slight to her, she runs to her room, locks the door, and cries...she prefers my brother and makes EVERY EXCUSE for him and rips me down.

 

i.e. I can't make a family function for a LEGIT reason, I GET TORN UP...my bro can't make it for a BS reason and he's excused and she even defends why he can't make it.

 

It's terrible, sorry you are going through this. My wife and I did pre-martial counseling with an actual therapist instead of a priest since we are different religions (and aren't really religious to begin with). And we mostly discussed pre-marital stuff like kids, finances, morals, etc. But we talked about my mother and her behavior once and the therapist said there are only 3 options and of those 3 only 2 are likely to work:

 

1) Ignore it and let it run off my shoulder - accept her for who she is. (I'm not good at this, but many people who can choose this option)

 

2) Tell her about it and see if she changes/tries to change. (This option is NOT likely to work.

 

3) No contact at all...Or the subset of this option is VERY LIMITED contact. Only for major holidays, birthdays, etc.

 

I'm currently trying 3B lol limited contact. I'm not good at ignoring someone treating me poorly and she will NEVER CHANGE (as illustrated by 3 marriages).

[sheis]

Appreciate the feedback and in reading this forum, am realizing that this sort of thing tends to happen a lot.

 

Anyway, it's been over a week since I spoke to my mother. Two months ago, when this all went down and she walked out on me because she didn't like what I was saying, I kind of felt exhilarated. I tried to keep it status quo, though. I called her the next night as usual, as expected. She was obviously in grudge mode--and we got off the phone quickly. Then she called me after 2 weeks and I, stupidly, let myself get back into the habit of calling her every night to "check in"... The conversations were usually stunted, with her having the "tone" to her voice that made it obvious she was upset. I figured she would eventually just ask me if we could talk about what happened? Try to clear the air? Never happened.

 

Then I remembered--this is my mother we are talking about. She is going to act butt hurt until I apologize. She does not care about trying to figure out WHY myself and my family members feel the way we do. All she cares about is that I was mean and she needs an apology..Dwelling on that instead of trying to grow as a person...

 

Anyway, last time we spoke...after another stunted conversation, I suggested that she perhaps call me next time? We could start taking turns. This led to her telling me that we don't even need to talk that much anymore. And we have not since. I have, however, had my dad call a few times...telling me I am just being too assertive and need to give into her. But we already know about that...

 

I think my mother is used to using her manipulative ways to get what she wants. It always works on my dad---and to some extent has always worked on me, up till now. Now I just resent her. Tell me your pissed, tell me WHY you think I was wrong about what I said! But, nope. That would mean self introspection--and maybe having to "own" her behavior. Instead she wants to just hold a grudge, thinking that I will feel sooo bad that I will just apologize to her and we will forget this ever happened. Hence making my dad feel guilty enough to keep calling me, begging me to give in. This in and of itself is just deplorable to me. My dad should not be dragged into this, though his lifelong actions are a huge part of why she is the way she is. I mean, I guess mine are too. I just want to break the cycle NOW. I've been stuck in the mud for far too long, and I do believe that a lot of it has to do with this unhealthy relationship with my mother.

 

I don't know if it's fixable, based on her inability to admit to any wrong or weakness. No Contact is working quite nice for me, though I know she is not doing so well with it. I still feel the guilt engrained in me, though now the resentment is more prevalent.

 

I'm just venting! Keeping track of how this whole thing unfolds..

[Grumpybutfun]

sheis:

Susan Forward wrote a book called "Toxic Parents" which describes your situation very well. It is about the adult survivors of child abuse and what you are describing is emotional/mental abuse. You can even download it to your Kindle/Nook. It helped my wife to see just how toxic her parents actions are. It also talks about how your abuser uses guilt and shame to get her way and to keep you under her thumb. It would be worth it to see if this helps you keep with your NC and to let them both go. She will never apologize or admit to wrongdoing because she is a narcissist who cares only about her feelings and her side of things. You need to start protecting yourself and to get some professional help in dealing with the aftermath. This could lead to you attracting the wrong types of people, picking up addictions and/or behavioral problems, and staying stuck in a cycle of victimization.

 

No one deserves to live a life of walking on eggshells. You were on the right track by going NC. Her drama has been designed by her to keep you jumping through hoops. The evidence you have presented here shows that she is not interested in being your mother in a healthy manner, therefore you have to take care of yourself and protect yourself against this drama.

Good Luck,

Grumps

[sheis]

sheis:

Susan Forward wrote a book called "Toxic Parents" which describes your situation very well. It is about the adult survivors of child abuse and what you are describing is emotional/mental abuse. You can even download it to your Kindle/Nook. It helped my wife to see just how toxic her parents actions are. It also talks about how your abuser uses guilt and shame to get her way and to keep you under her thumb. It would be worth it to see if this helps you keep with your NC and to let them both go. She will never apologize or admit to wrongdoing because she is a narcissist who cares only about her feelings and her side of things. You need to start protecting yourself and to get some professional help in dealing with the aftermath. This could lead to you attracting the wrong types of people, picking up addictions and/or behavioral problems, and staying stuck in a cycle of victimization.

 

No one deserves to live a life of walking on eggshells. You were on the right track by going NC. Her drama has been designed by her to keep you jumping through hoops. The evidence you have presented here shows that she is not interested in being your mother in a healthy manner, therefore you have to take care of yourself and protect yourself against this drama.

Good Luck,

Grumps

 

Thanks Grumps. Will look into that book.

 

Have not spoken to my mother in over two weeks, which up to this incident would have been unheard of. She is adamant: No apology, does not want to talk to me. Truly is acting as if she does not realize she has ever done anything wrong and does not know what is wrong with me.

She has my dad playing mediator--the latest is he wants us all 3 to meet so we can discuss the issues.

What p*sses me off is that I KNOW she has somehow made my dad feel like the falling out her and I had is his fault somehow, and he needs to fix it. And then I think he wants to fix it because, in true dad form, he just wants her content.

I told him if I agree to this--he is going to have to accept that it will be 100 percent truth, and that he will also have to reiterate what the whole family thinks about her behavior-he can't back down.

So, we shall see. I won't call her--and find her behavior more and more disturbing with each conversation with my dad.

 

Ugh.

[emily240187]

I love my mum

[Criticality]

I think you should be proud of yourself for how you handled it. Your son has a good role model in terms of drawing the lines in relationship and protecting yourself.

 

Next time your father or anyone else points out that you should cut your mother a break on behalf of her age, point out that your brother didn't get any, despite being a defenseless, innocent child.

 

You might want to write a letter to your father, mother and brother detailing all the issues you have. And then just leave the subject, and not discuss it any further as its toxic, and doesn't serve much purpose anymore. Your mother will never change.

[Tayla]

In therapy I learned that spitting on a tree doesn't make it grow.

 

This works for both how one is treated and how one treats others.

 

I lost my beloved mom ten months ago....I'll just leave it at that...

[sheis]

In therapy I learned that spitting on a tree doesn't make it grow.

 

This works for both how one is treated and how one treats others.

 

I lost my beloved mom ten months ago....I'll just leave it at that...

 

 

I am going to start counseling. Have started it many times over the years--but never stuck with it long enough to have it be any benefit. Instead I just let all of my resentments and fears fester...into what we have right now.

 

Truth told--there is a part of me that hopes a conversation can be had and things can be rectified. However, that kind of closure requires that all parties be accountable for their actions. And my mother, by her current and past behavior, is just not able to do that. Instead she spreads blame and plays victim. I almost wish she WOULD just call me up and tell me how wrong she thinks I am. But deep down--she KNOWS I am right in what I said to her, and that is something she cannot accept about herself. So she deflects and, figuratively speaking curls up into the fetal position and waits until everyone feels sooo bad that we just give into her. This is what my dad has always done--and she plays him like a fiddle.

 

Went from talking to her every day to now..it's been almost a month. All because she is waiting for an apology from me, for being mean. Instead of trying to figure out why myself...(and all of my family members) feel the way we do? I'm just the only one to give it to her straight, to her face, and NOT take it back. It's a long time coming and though I feel some guilt about worrying about her state of mind and her psychological state..( guilt is a very hard thing for me to overcome, always has been...) I know that if we had kept going the way it was going--me myself would end up in a bad place. And I am already in a not so great place anyway...

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.

[Nyla]

Your mother is a narcissist. Mine is too, except she was physically as well as verbally abusive to me growing up. I am the only daughter in my family and my mother was always very jealous of me. The only reason we are in contact is if I cut my mother off, the whole family will stop talking to me and I miss my nieces when that happens.

 

I used to angrily confront my mother all the time, but now I have stopped because she is becoming elderly and sick. Sometimes I actually feel pity for the frail little old woman my mother is becoming; the poor dear was just too ignorant to know any better since she always had an abusive childhood. I cannot be her best friend as my mother would like, but I can still be polite and affectionate. She is still my mother unfortunately. I know she isn't going to change and my mom is too old to have all of her mistakes thrown in her face.

 

Now I am not saying that you are wrong...you have EVERY RIGHT to feel the way you do! It makes sense that you would like to be heard by your mother for all the pain she caused you. I just hate to think of you being consumed by anger and bitterness; it is no way to live. Though I still struggle with anger at my parents, I know that I need to move on with my life so that I can be happy. Abusive parents are ignorant people who live in a different world. Sometimes they also have untreated mental illness.

[sheis]

Your mother is a narcissist. Mine is too, except she was physically as well as verbally abusive to me growing up. I am the only daughter in my family and my mother was always very jealous of me. The only reason we are in contact is if I cut my mother off, the whole family will stop talking to me and I miss my nieces when that happens.

 

I used to angrily confront my mother all the time, but now I have stopped because she is becoming elderly and sick. Sometimes I actually feel pity for the frail little old woman my mother is becoming; the poor dear was just too ignorant to know any better since she always had an abusive childhood. I cannot be her best friend as my mother would like, but I can still be polite and affectionate. She is still my mother unfortunately. I know she isn't going to change and my mom is too old to have all of her mistakes thrown in her face.

 

Now I am not saying that you are wrong...you have EVERY RIGHT to feel the way you do! It makes sense that you would like to be heard by your mother for all the pain she caused you. I just hate to think of you being consumed by anger and bitterness; it is no way to live. Though I still struggle with anger at my parents, I know that I need to move on with my life so that I can be happy. Abusive parents are ignorant people who live in a different world. Sometimes they also have untreated mental illness.

 

 

Hi Nyla. Thanks so much for sharing. I run the gamut of emotions about this whole situation--thinking about my mother, spinning about the whole situation to my father--from what he tells me. Dwelling on certain things that were said, not at all concerned with the fact that we all feel the way that we do-but just the fact that these things were told to her. I really believe she is most butt hurt about being told that she has behaved the way she has--not the fact that she actually DID any of these things, if this makes sense.

 

Mental illness is something that definitely crosses my mind. On the one hand, my mother has NEVER been put in her place before. We always knew she could not handle it so we just sucked it up and kept quiet. So, I am hoping this is just denial on her part. Then again, her reaction and the fact that she completely cuts off any person who even implies that she does something wrong--is disturbing. Never more so than now.

 

I will have this meeting next week with my parents, with my dad stating he will be mediator. I told him-no secrets, no holding back. It all gets discussed, even if she cries. And then we see if we can move forward..

As disturbed as I am by all this, I still don't regret it. I feel cleansed with what I finally said to her. I feel bad that my dad is being told this is all his fault, that he needs to fix it somehow...(sick stuff)...but the man needs to grow some at this point and, along with me, be honest.

 

My mother may very well be incapable of change. If this is the case, then I go from there. I am just imagining some sort of intervention--where my mom has convinced my dad to be a "team" against me, though he promises that he will be honest and everything will be said. Guess we will see..

[Mittens]

Nyla's story is much like my own, except my mother was never physically abusive. I too am a only daughter, and my mother has made it obvious that she is jealous of me and how my life has been very different to hers.

 

My mother is also elderly, and I've learnt that trying to get an apology out of her is just a waste of time. She's just too ignorant and self absorbed to see how she has affected others. I don't think she would even care if she did...

 

I agree with Nyla, don't let it consume you.

[Nyla]

My husband and I eloped when we married to get away from my mother. She was unsupportive and rude to me when I was engaged; told me that I was too fat to look good in a wedding dress. Mommy Dearest also tried to hijack our wedding and turn it into a spectacle so that she could look rich.

 

I got an apology for her behavior about three years after the fact. My husband and I are planning a social wedding and my mother is staying out of it. She learned her lesson.

 

While my mother has never apologized for how she raised me, she will say things like "Nyla was such a good child. I was too hard on her." She will also say that she was so tired and frustrated that she didn't know what she was saying to me sometimes. It is the closest I will ever get to an apology.

 

My mother is jealous of the following things in my life: My close relationship with my father, the fact that I lived alone for years before marriage, the way I dated extensively before meeting my husband and not being tied down with children. It isn't my fault that my mother wasn't brave enough to take the path she wanted.