stormywind Posted November 29, 2004 Share Posted November 29, 2004 I've read a lot on here that married people don't often leave their current partners no matter how unhappy they are. I guess what I wonder then is how does that explain the high divorce rate? A lot of people state that the MM/MW stays married. I'm not referring to leaving FOR someone else---just leaving in general. I guess I'm confused when I hear that people don't leave their marriages and then also hear about the high divorce rates. Link to post Share on other sites
Patiently waiting Posted November 29, 2004 Share Posted November 29, 2004 Data from divorcepeers.com: Age at marriage for those who divorce in the United States -------------------------------------------------- Age Women Men -------------------------------------------------- Under 20 years old 27.6% 11.7% 20 to 24 years old 36.6% 38.8% 25 to 29 years old 16.4% 22.3% 30 to 34 years old 8.5% 11.6% 35 to 39 years old 5.1% 6.5% -------------------------------------------------- http://www.divorcepeers.com/statistics.htm Looks like your best chances are of finding someone available between the ages of 20-24, the older they get, the less likely they are to leave. It's gotta be that whole "level of comfort" and "loyalty and time investment" thing as you start getting older. Guess I'm part of the 5.1%, no wonder it's so hard to find a decent single guy near my age. I bet the percentages get even lower as you get older......guess that's where the EM's come into play. Better to have a decent MM (I guess ultimately an oxymoron, but you understand what I mean...) than a total loser who is single. I bet the reason why the majority of the older women are divorced is because the husband cheated on them and the women kicked them out. Men are way less likely to leave their wives once they have established their "security" no matter what the wife is like. "Better to be with the evil you know, than with the evil you don't know" so to speak...... Looking back and now knowing how difficult it is to find a decent single man around my age, I may have re-thought my decision to leave my soon to be ex H even though he cheated, lied and never helped around the house. (although, interesting enough, HE filed for the divorce only 1 1/2 months after I kicked him out, and we have very small children, I found that very bizarre.......explanation??? anyone????) Hell, at least he could open the spaghetti jar and watch the kids if I wanted to go shopping.....But, I had too much self respect, maybe I shouldn't have had so much? I wonder if HE will ever find anyone better than me. That would be interesting to track..... Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted November 29, 2004 Share Posted November 29, 2004 Originally posted by Patiently waiting Data from divorcepeers.com: Age at marriage for those who divorce in the United States -------------------------------------------------- Age Women Men -------------------------------------------------- Under 20 years old 27.6% 11.7% 20 to 24 years old 36.6% 38.8% 25 to 29 years old 16.4% 22.3% 30 to 34 years old 8.5% 11.6% 35 to 39 years old 5.1% 6.5% -------------------------------------------------- http://www.divorcepeers.com/statistics.htm Looks like your best chances are of finding someone available between the ages of 20-24, the older they get, the less likely they are to leave. It's gotta be that whole "level of comfort" and "loyalty and time investment" thing as you start getting older. Guess I'm part of the 5.1%, no wonder it's so hard to find a decent single guy near my age. PM - you are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY off. The statistics are about the age AT MARRIAGE, not their ages now. The age at marriage (i.e., more specifically, I believe, their maturity level at the time they marry) is what is believed to affect their happiness with their marriages later in life. Therefore, a man who got married for the first time at 23 is FAR more likely to EVENTUALLY get a divorce than a man who marries for the first time at 36. Perhaps it has to do with "sowing the oats," or just experiencing life, finding oneself, etc., but the older the man when he marries for the first time, the more likely that union is to last. It makes perfect sense, you don't need to analyze it too much. Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted November 29, 2004 Share Posted November 29, 2004 I agree with KMT on this one. And would like to add that even if a person marries in the 30s but have been living with the same person since his/her early 20s, it would fall under the same category as the marrying age. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stormywind Posted November 30, 2004 Author Share Posted November 30, 2004 I think those stats are way off too--going to have to agree with KMT there. I bet the reason why the majority of the older women are divorced is because the husband cheated on them and the women kicked them out. Men are way less likely to leave their wives once they have established their "security" no matter what the wife is like. Why is that??? Looking back and now knowing how difficult it is to find a decent single man around my age, I may have re-thought my decision to leave my soon to be ex H even though he cheated, lied and never helped around the house. Isn't it better to be alone than with someone like that?????? I'll take alone over someone like that anyday. Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Originally posted by fanou22 I agree with KMT on this one. And would like to add that even if a person marries in the 30s but have been living with the same person since his/her early 20s, it would fall under the same category as the marrying age. I agree. Should read something more like "age at commitment to current partner." Link to post Share on other sites
Patiently waiting Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 Ok, you guys......my mistake. Hey, I'm not afraid to admit I had the wrong stats! So, anyone have the REAL answer??? Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 Read these U.S. divorce stats from Divorce Magazine's web site...and weep. Something is happening out there. Here's the link: http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsUS.shtml Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 Originally posted by immoralist Read these U.S. divorce stats from Divorce Magazine's web site...and weep. Something is happening out there. Here's the link: http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsUS.shtml HA!! Number of women who are stalked by a husband or ex-husband every year as of 1997: 380,000 Number of men who are stalked by a wife or ex-wife every year as of 1997: 52,000 Link to post Share on other sites
Bella Mia Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 Financial concerns Stability regardless of it being a dead marriage The kids Life altering changes: Divorce, custody of children, splitting of property, assests, alimoni, childsupport, downsizing from current lifestyle. Fear I think is the driving force to the many reasons why people don't leave. When they look at the whole picture and try to visualise the aftermath/outcome of divorce, it can be really overwhelming. I think that those who did find the courage to get out of a dead marriage aren't sitting around regretting their decision. But those on the otherhand who stay in the marriage, may constantly fantasise about getting out and secretly envy those that do. Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 Financial concerns Stability regardless of it being a dead marriage The kids Life altering changes: Divorce, custody of children, splitting of property, assests, alimoni, childsupport, downsizing from current lifestyle. Fear I think is the driving force to the many reasons why people don't leave. When they look at the whole picture and try to visualise the aftermath/outcome of divorce, it can be really overwhelming. I think that those who did find the courage to get out of a dead marriage aren't sitting around regretting their decision. But those on the otherhand who stay in the marriage, may constantly fantasise about getting out and secretly envy those that do. That about sums it up. Good post. Link to post Share on other sites
Patiently waiting Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 quote: {Looking back and now knowing how difficult it is to find a decent single man around my age, I may have re-thought my decision to leave my soon to be ex H even though he cheated, lied and never helped around the house} quote: [isn't it better to be alone than with someone like that?????? I'll take alone over someone like that anyday.] Yes, it is better......I was just bummed out about stuff when I posted that. I actually went out last night and met quite a few really good looking SINGLE guys my age with good careers. Gotta love Amgen, they attract the smart ones!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Stinkerbelle Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 End in divorce. Most people can't get over it. Having said that, 35% can build a (hopefully better) relationship out of the troubles. 70% of relationships/marriages borne of affairs reportedly end within 5 years. But that means that 30% of the people can grow past it. And if nobody cheats, you have about a 50% chance of making it. It isn't very optimistic, is it? Link to post Share on other sites
startingover1028 Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 Stability regardless of it being a dead marriage The kids Life altering changes: Divorce, custody of children, splitting of property, assests, alimoni, childsupport, downsizing from current lifestyle. Fear I think is the driving force to the many reasons why people don't leave. When they look at the whole picture and try to visualise the aftermath/outcome of divorce, it can be really overwhelming. \\ You really have summed this up perfectly!. I am ready to leave my marriage, and have been for quite a while, but when I start thinking of all the 'small' things that leaving involves, it no longer seems the ideal answer. There are days when I envision my "new-life" full of opportunity and fun, new friends, new loves, a fresh start. But, then I start to piece it together, step by step, in my mind and it turns ugly, very quickly. I worry about where I will live and who will take what, once the boxes are all packed and labeled... What about pension plans and savings accounts and health insurance? Who gets the friends and the club memberships? How do we divide the child rearing responsibilities so that it's fair to all of us... our child especially? I worry about the loneliness, ... what if I don't meet someone new and spend the rest of my life alone? Who cuts the grass and feeds the dogs and pays the bills? Who do I call when the doctor says he wants to run "more tests"? Who puts up the Christmas tree and hangs the lights outside? Who kills the spiders? It's going to be such a hard first step. I wonder what others have done to overcome the fear. Maybe I'll start a new topic. Link to post Share on other sites
Patiently waiting Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 Originally posted by startingover1028 \\ You really have summed this up perfectly!. I am ready to leave my marriage, and have been for quite a while, but when I start thinking of all the 'small' things that leaving involves, it no longer seems the ideal answer. There are days when I envision my "new-life" full of opportunity and fun, new friends, new loves, a fresh start. But, then I start to piece it together, step by step, in my mind and it turns ugly, very quickly. I worry about where I will live and who will take what, once the boxes are all packed and labeled... What about pension plans and savings accounts and health insurance? Who gets the friends and the club memberships? How do we divide the child rearing responsibilities so that it's fair to all of us... our child especially? I worry about the loneliness, ... what if I don't meet someone new and spend the rest of my life alone? Who cuts the grass and feeds the dogs and pays the bills? Who do I call when the doctor says he wants to run "more tests"? Who puts up the Christmas tree and hangs the lights outside? Who kills the spiders? It's going to be such a hard first step. I wonder what others have done to overcome the fear. Maybe I'll start a new topic. I have been through it !!!!! If you are really ready to go, somehow all that stuff becomes secondary. I told my stbex that I would rather live in a cardboard box without him, than in our brand new house with him. I have since lost the house, eh....it was only a house....I have a cute 2 bedroom apt. now with my 2 babies. Pensions-mine is the only one there was, he gets 1/2 of the amount accumulated during marriage. Oh, well.....he owes me some money too which will counteract it perhaps. Again, only money....child rearing....courts decide, grass-gardner, dogs-whoever gets em, pay the bills-you both learn to pay your own bills, not that hard....., call your friends when the doctor wants to run tests, or your mom, or another close friend or relative, or just bite the bullet and do it on your own, I have and surprisingly I have found I am quite fine without a shoulder to lean on. I put up my own x-mas tree this year and hung my own lights, I did a damn fine job I might add!!!! Killing spiders, well.....I have always done that anyway...... The lonliness is the hardest part I admit. I spend many nights unable to sleep without "someone" there next to me. (because I was used to it) My computer and my children take up some of that time, but ultimately that is the part that takes some getting used to. I am told it does take time, but it does get better. I know plenty of women who CHOOSE not to be married or in relationships and they are perfectly happy, they just have other hobbies and are not dependent on others for their happiness......... Link to post Share on other sites
startingover1028 Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 I am told it does take time, but it does get better. I know plenty of women who CHOOSE not to be married or in relationships and they are perfectly happy, they just have other hobbies and are not dependent on others for their happiness......... I know a few of these women myself... and yes, they do seem relatively happy. Everything you have said is true... it's just a house... it's just money... it's just a spider! We've been married for almost 14 years. It's just so hard to let go, no matter how much I want to. I guess I'm just scared... Link to post Share on other sites
Patiently waiting Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 I was married for 11 years, together for 13, so we are in the same boat here. I have 2 children under 5, but honestly hon, when it's time to go, it's time to go. I could not see myself with this man for the rest of my life no matter what "worldly" goods I had. Sometimes THE American Dream is not YOUR American Dream.....If you are ready, you will go, if you are not, you won't. A lot of it has to do with your beliefs and how you view yourself. I for one am quite independent, always have been. Man or no man, I'm gonna be just fine........And I don't like cats, so being a "cat lady" is def. OUT for me! What you need is good friends my dear.......not a man you can't stand! Be true to yourself.......everything else will fall into place..... Link to post Share on other sites
DoggyDog Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 I was the W and my H left me...But I should tell you that my MM who is now gone from my life didn't leave....His reasoning to me when I asked him if he "was comfortable there "...So that is what I asked him and his answer was "YES"... I guess the W didn't do anything to make it miserable for him, or if she did, he chose to stay anyway...So I really don't know the answer. Seen two men with two different turnouts. I still am bothered by how a W lives with a man knowing he had a 20+ yrs. affair...Beats the Hell out of me. L DD Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Originally posted by Bella Mia Financial concerns Stability regardless of it being a dead marriage The kids Life altering changes: Divorce, custody of children, splitting of property, assests, alimoni, childsupport, downsizing from current lifestyle. Fear I think is the driving force to the many reasons why people don't leave. When they look at the whole picture and try to visualise the aftermath/outcome of divorce, it can be really overwhelming. I think that those who did find the courage to get out of a dead marriage aren't sitting around regretting their decision. But those on the otherhand who stay in the marriage, may constantly fantasise about getting out and secretly envy those that do. Yeah. Look at half the people on here who'd rather hang on to a sh*t relationship because it's what they have rather than do themselves justice. And I'm not referring to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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