Need brutal honesty

[gothicrose]

Hey,for those that remember my previous thread...I messed up again

 

Could really do with some brutal honesty about how 'dead' this is between me and my ex.

 

Since my last post on my other thread where I was asking about breakig then two weeks nc that he had asked for to wish him a happy birthday...I did text in the end and just apologised for messaging but hoped he had a good day. He didn't reply.

 

The next day I was annoyed that he hadn't at least acknowledged the text message, so I phoned him. Big mistake I know.

I told him I thought it was rude of him not to at least say thanks for the birthday wishes, he said he hadnt wanted to get into a conversation with me...we then got into an argument and he said I hadn't given him then two weeks he asked for (it had only been 5 days of nc) and turn said for any chance of a friendship, I had to restart the two weeks...that was the 22nd of September and after that, I didnt contact him until yesterday...OK so only a week, but good for me considering how I usually am.

 

I had a bad day yesterday, my baby's first day at nursery, being lied to by the head teacher at my son's school and made to feel an idiot, and other stuff all got on top of my. My mum is away on holiday so not contactable, I had no one else that would have understood so I text my ex asking him to just come over and be a listening ear for half an hour ..and genuinely I just wanted to vent a bit and had hoped that the past week would have changed things a bit.

He didnt reply, so I phoned him a couple of hours later and he said there was no chance of him coming over. I asked why, he said because he had just got home, didnt want to have to make the effort and also didn't want to see me. Obviously I went over old ground asking why he had asked me to give him two weeks nc while he completed his coursework, he said "because I wanted to see if it would make a difference... but you didn't give me two weeks df you?

 

He then blamed me causing him stress since the last time I went to his house for not being able to complete his coursework, said the week I left him alone he had still been too stressed to do any work (!), and then kept calling me a sadistic lying (swear word) that justeants to ruin his life.

 

Phew...I can see why he thinks that with my behaviour but although I only gave him a weeks nc (twice), it had been complete no contact and I hadnt been turning up at his home like I've done in the past...thought that would have counted for something.

 

He ended up saying "I do like you as a person and the 10% of you that is reasonable, is lovely. But it's only ten percent and not worth the hassle. I don't want anything to do with you ever again".

 

That confused me...how can he say he likes me if he wants nothing more to do with me?

 

Is this is it for good, or might 2-3 months of nc begin to fix things?

[Simon Phoenix]

Leave this guy alone. Show some discipline and stay away from this guy. Holy christ. He basically said that you were 90% psycho. Just stop, it's gotten ridiculous at this point. I mean, you couldn't keep two weeks? Really? Then you harass him after not even making it halfway through the two weeks he asked of you. What the hell? And no, you don't get bonus points for not stalking him -- that should be regular human behavior.

[gothicrose]

I know, and today I realised I was being short sighted...I wanted to get things back on friendly terms and wanted to see him 'now'; it was pure impatience when really two weeks wasn't that long anyway, and if I'd stuck to it I might have got somewhere.

 

I can see that now its too late...

 

So nc can't fix this simon?

[Exitleft]

NC can help you begin healing and get some perspective. Do it for yourself. Good luck.

[BC1980]

You have totally burned your bridges with this guy. You can't respect him wanting to be left alone. You make yourself look so desperate by your actions.

[Zahara]

I'm not even that guy but just reading your post made me cringe so I can only imagine how exhausting this must be to anyone having to face your emotional drama, especially when someone tells you to leave them alone but you insist on busting down the door.

 

He sees you as 10% normal. The 90% he can't stand. Can you tell me who in their right mind wants to deal with someone that drives them up the wall 90% of the time? No one.

 

I've said this to you before. Men aren't attracted to women that are desperate and needy. Women like that are used for benefits.

 

You've just reinforced why he should stay away from you. Stay NC and do it to fix yourself. Everything else is dead.

[lylat333]

Sorry to hear all this, gothicrose.

 

imo this isn't so much about him, you are in a weak place personally. The last time I called my ex, which turned out to be the last time we ever talked, I pretty much knew I shouldn't be calling her. She had developed a short fuse very quick, told me she wanted space but I was freaking out about her. I wanted to talk to ease myself and hopefully remind her how sincere I was about wanting to work things out. My mind and hands were out of control, I didn't have it in me to resist. It was too tempting to dial her phone to hear her voice again. The phone call completely turned her off, she told me, "Don't call me, don't message me, I can't take this." and hung up. Gone. That was... 67 days ago. I understand the feeling you can't resist contacting.

 

You wanted brutal honesty, and as others have said this is dead. In his eyes he never had a reason to reconsider his decisions. He was able to mess with your mind this past month or two with the occasional mixed signal to keep you on the line. He only indicated interest in potential sex, never a true relationship.

 

The best thing to do is not have anything to do with him. You let him get away with half-hearted behavior and now it has gotten to the point where he is calling you names which is a huge red flag to remove yourself completely.

 

Your ex has remained your go-to-guy. When times are tough, etc. Dumpees become attractive when they find ways to move on and live life without the ex. Not only replace the support they received from the ex through friends and family but also become a better person than you ever were! It's the hardest challenge as a dumpee, but it's how the balance of power shifts and "you get you back".

 

I imagine you are capable of much more than you give yourself credit for. The best thing to do is put up a stone wall between you and this guy right here and now. If he ever comes back around you've got to shut him out for your own self-respect and dignity. Otherwise you will be right back to where you were and the cycle will continue.

[Inspiteofrselves]

Wow some people on here sound unreasonably bitter. I understand where you are honey, this is fresh and painful! A wound that feels like it won't stop bleeding. To boot you're dealing with single mom hood. That sucks. I know talking to him makes you feel better for a moment... But don't you just feel worse afterwards?

 

If you love this man, give him space. I know it seems like it'll push him farther away, but trust me it will bring him closer. My story is not yet a success, but I can tell you communication did not improve at all while I was contacting my ex regularly. Its not to late to start!

[Zahara]

Wow some people on here sound unreasonably bitter. !

 

I'm not sure what everyone here is bitter about.

 

Read her history first. There is a reason she is asking for brutal honesty.

[Mariposa10]

I'm not sure what everyone here is bitter about.

 

Read her history first. There is a reason she is asking for brutal honesty.

 

 

Yes, check her history.

 

OP, there's nothing new to say/discuss here... We've already told you a million times to stop contacting this man. Change your number if you can't control yourself.

[todreaminblue]

I feel for you its hard when the only person you really want to talk to doesnt want to talk to you...but you have to respect their wishes.....I hate no contact too drives me nuts so i know how you feel, but there are a lot of things that drive em nuts and i handle it.....the last thing i want to be is driving someone else nuts...too many nuts not enough crackers....smilin ok that was hopeless as far as jokes go....just try and do the things you love and if you exercise, like taking long walks when you feel the urge to talk to him i find it centres you and you can concentrate on other things like the world around you...best wishes...hugs...deb

[ForeverHopeful1]

Hun......... BACK THE F OFF. I dont understand what you dont get here. Instead of calling you a crazy b*tch 90% of the time, he was nice and he told you you were 10% cool. That is really bad... not a good thing. You are hanging on that 10% as if he thinks of you in the highest regard. He is attempting to let you down nicely and all you keep doing is bugging him. What words does he need to use? Does he need to be completely mean and nasty to you so you understand?

 

Im on his team here. Youre driving him to insanity. Stop. Leave him alone. 2 to 3 months and you'll be over it too. Do that for him and for you

[gothicrose]

I think its the 'leave me alone for good' part that I'm struggling with.

 

I'm fully intending on going nc (again!) but knowing that however much I leave him alone a behave as I should have been doing all this time; he still won't ever want to even be friends...is tough to get my head around.

 

Is there really no chance of him wanting to consider being friends in 3-6 months if I left him alone for that time?

[Zahara]

I think its the 'leave me alone for good' part that I'm struggling with.

 

I'm fully intending on going nc (again!) but knowing that however much I leave him alone a behave as I should have been doing all this time; he still won't ever want to even be friends...is tough to get my head around.

 

Is there really no chance of him wanting to consider being friends in 3-6 months if I left him alone for that time?

 

If HE wants to be friends, then it is up to him to approach you and extend his friendship. It's not up to you anymore and don't go approaching him for a friendship every three months. You need to get that out of your head. Stay NC and in time you'll be emotionally detached from him that the thought of being/not being friends won't even phase you.

[lylat333]

I think its the 'leave me alone for good' part that I'm struggling with.

 

I'm fully intending on going nc (again!) but knowing that however much I leave him alone a behave as I should have been doing all this time; he still won't ever want to even be friends...is tough to get my head around.

 

Is there really no chance of him wanting to consider being friends in 3-6 months if I left him alone for that time?

 

gothicrose, I never imagined I would go as long as I have without being in contact with my ex. It was the absolute last thing I wanted.

 

I've shared this several times already but this piece of wisdom spoke to me, and I think LS will agree with this: "We can't guarantee whether or not our ex will ever miss us. We can only guarantee they will never miss us by being in contact."

 

Also, a concept I could never wrap my head around was entering NC to heal, not as a strategy to get an ex back. I didn't care about healing, I just wanted to do whatever gave me the best shot at reconciling or get her back! It took a long time of not contacting her for me to see how important NC was for healing and why it was the most important thing. I can now see it was more important than trying to get my ex back. At this point, if my ex text or called me I would ignore her. I have no interest in being her friend and I don't want to giver her any time of day unless she is physically/figuratively on her knees begging.

 

These things are out of our control until we are no longer emotionally invested in them. There is no guaranteed time-frame. If he wants to be friends or whatever down the line, he will let you know. But, imo 3-6 months is a damn long time when you're in NC and a lot can happen. Your emotions will evolve if you abide by strict NC, I promise. Meaning - no reaching out, no talking, no stalking, nothing.

 

I don't think you've ever allowed yourself to be in true NC which is why you haven't been able to progress and why he never changed either.

[BC1980]

I think its the 'leave me alone for good' part that I'm struggling with.

 

I'm fully intending on going nc (again!) but knowing that however much I leave him alone a behave as I should have been doing all this time; he still won't ever want to even be friends...is tough to get my head around.

 

Is there really no chance of him wanting to consider being friends in 3-6 months if I left him alone for that time?

 

I think there is little chance because you have proven over and over again that you have no respect for him. You can only get a pass so many times before people just don't believe you anymore.

[lylat333]

I could see him coming back and wanting to be friends but it's not going to stem from healthy emotions. He's either going to do it because he's horny, and/or because he thinks he can and wants a self-esteem boost... unfortunately it's not going to come from a place of respecting you.

 

It won't happen until you respect yourself more and exhibit consistent, sustained behavior that contrasts with what has been taking place all this time. But you should want to be better for you, not because you want to get him back.

[KathyM]

You can't force a person to love you or want you in their life. That is what you are trying to do. In fact, the more you try to do that, the more you will drive that person away. I think you need to accept the fact that this relationship is over. Begging, pleading, and harassing this guy is not going to change his feelings on this, it will only make it worse. You need to distract yourself with other things. Fill your life with other things, to keep your mind off of this guy as much as possible. Whenever you feel the urge to call him, have a plan of action beforehand of what you will do instead to distract yourself. Call someone else (a relative or close friend). Listen to music. Go out for a run. Being so needy like this is a huge turn off for the person on the receiving end. You need to work on respecting boundaries, developing self esteem, and self discipline. Counseling would be a good idea, to help you process your feelings in a healthy way, and learn better patterns of behavior.

[thora-tiki]

From How I met your mother:

Mike Tyson:

Here's the thing about crazy: When a guy sends mixed signals to a girl,

it takes a toll on her psychological well-being. And you wanna know why the girl acts crazy?

Look at the guy she's datin'. Then you really see some crazy, trust me.

 

Robin:

(only just realizing who he is) Are you Mike Tyson?!

 

You wrote:

we then got into an argument and he said I hadn't given him then two weeks he asked for

(it had only been 5 days of nc) and turn said for any chance of a friendship, I had to restart the two weeks...

that was the 22nd of September and after that, I didnt contact him until yesterday...

OK so only a week, but good for me considering how I usually am.

 

Bahaha!

 

Are you kidding me, you are actually letting this clown dictate how to do no contact?!

And to do it for him, aww... so that you two can become friends!

You want that!? Really?!

 

Pack your bags, your ex is trying to send you on a guilt trip.

 

No, use this no contact time on you.

Not to become his friend. That he can fu*k around with when ever.

 

I am on to this fu*ker.

 

No, use this time to look after yourself, to grow, to do things you haven't done,

but always wished you have.

 

Not to become his future friend.

 

Future me is going: eughblegh!

 

The guy has been inside you, held your head when you slept, laughed and loved you,

do you, or him for that matter, really think all this will be gone in just two weeks,

and then you two can become great friends, like in the movies, or you can get back together in just two weeks.

You are far too emotionally attached to this guy right now,

to make any decisions about reconnection or being friends in the future.

Use this no contact time on you.

Do not fall into the trap of using no contact as a recipe:

Wait 30 days, then contact. Or two weeks in your case.

 

It always takes way more time than just lousy 30 days.

Or two weeks in your case.

Why do people think if they let go of their ex for 6 months or more,

they will never get them back,

but in the next breath say that their ex loved them as much as they loved their ex?

 

If their ex loved them as much as they believed, then what's the worry,

they will want you back again.

Using no contact to get your LIFE back will not drive your ex away.

And you really need to focus on you, not your ex-hole, or Mr. Wonderful, as I call him.

I understand, everyone wants to be loved and needed,

especially by the person who just broke up with you.

 

Forgive yourself for what ever you did in the past.

 

I bet your ex, Mr. Wonderful, is not as squeaky-clean as you are making us believe,

he also needs time to evolve.

 

To me, he is sending you mixed signals, in my book that means lies.

Telling you, he needs two weeks for this or that. And then what?

 

See, the problem is: when you love(d) someone like you obviously do/did,

you overlook the crap they did and the pain they caused.

 

Even if he really WAS Mr. Wonderful in the relationship,

he is now causing you pain.

 

Couple your love for him with the disbelief that he could reject you like that and you have a recipe for gothicrose stew.

 

A hodge podge of mixed emotions being stirred around in a pot, but never really boiling...

 

Well its time to boil, hon.

 

And to focus on you. Not Mr. Wonderful.

 

No contact teaches patience, and patience builds character.

 

Use this time to transform yourself, physically and mentally. Be utterly selfish.

And think of Mr. Wonderful as deceased.

 

When ever you see his name in the paper or anywhere else, say to yourself:

Aww, he's got the same name as Mr. Wonderful, shame Mr. Wonderful died.

Then count your blessings.

 

If you see Mr. Wonderful on the street, say to yourself:

Aww, he looks like Mr. Wonderful, I better keep away from him.

 

Friends:

Listen to me, you are not friends, or even in a place to be friends.

Not now, or 6 months from now.

 

I have something a break up buddy posted to me in an e-mail about being friends with an ex.

 

Maybe it might give you some motivation to follow no contact.

Here is what she wrote:

 

«You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both.

 

You'll fight and you'll shag and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver,

but you'll never be friends.

 

Love isn't brains, children, it's blood.

 

Blood screaming inside you to work its will.

I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.»

 

The let's be friends crap keeps both of you from moving on with your lives - that's crazy!

 

You wrote:

I think its the 'leave me alone for good' part that I'm struggling with.

who knows what the future brings.

 

Yes, who knows and who fu*king cares what the future brings,

don't try to predict the future -

let's not go there, OK?

Live in the present.

 

And keep no contact for as long as you need.

[gothicrose]

Thanks for the replies everyone...and thora-tiki your post was amazing and im going to read it over and over until it sinks in

 

I do have a confession...then a question that I need honest answers to:

 

Today, I pestered him all morning to meet me so I "get some stuff said to enable me to move on"...in reality I probably just wanted to see him again...

 

Anyway he kept saying no, then when I said he could stay in his van whilst I said my piece then I'd leave him alone for good, he agreed. He turned up, his dog next to him barking an srig her teeth which didn't make it easy to talk, he was being cold and saying he had loved be a lot but had kept giving me chances for us to get on and now feels completely indifferent about me.

I asked why he couldn't just give me one last chance to prove I can back off a bit and he said he didnt know what he would feel in a few weeks but at the moment wants me to leave him the heck alone.. at one point though he said I have turned him into a b******, he's never wanted to hit a woman before but did with me those times when I went to see him at hone, which is why he slept with me instead. He then grabbed my face in his hands and then let go, then did it again and gave a kind of frustrated growl, then pulled my face towards him and said that all he wants to do kiss me and rape me...and I've made him like this.

 

Now. The fact I shouldn't have asked him over aside...truthfully you guys that have read my previous posts...have I driven him to the point of feeling like he wants to hit or rape me?

 

That scared me and he's said similar in the past...is that a red flag for him being possibly that type anyway or have I pushed him into feeling that way?

 

Definitely going nc now anyway but the rape thing is playing on my mind...

[Simon Phoenix]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-im_CKn9PPI8/T0dtSJ0lUFI/AAAAAAAAAzY/0vIyQ9SYpt4/s1600/abe-simpson-gif.gif

[Mariposa10]

Thanks for the replies everyone...and thora-tiki your post was amazing and im going to read it over and over until it sinks in

 

I do have a confession...then a question that I need honest answers to:

 

Today, I pestered him all morning to meet me so I "get some stuff said to enable me to move on"...in reality I probably just wanted to see him again...

 

Anyway he kept saying no, then when I said he could stay in his van whilst I said my piece then I'd leave him alone for good, he agreed. He turned up, his dog next to him barking an srig her teeth which didn't make it easy to talk, he was being cold and saying he had loved be a lot but had kept giving me chances for us to get on and now feels completely indifferent about me.

I asked why he couldn't just give me one last chance to prove I can back off a bit and he said he didnt know what he would feel in a few weeks but at the moment wants me to leave him the heck alone.. at one point though he said I have turned him into a b******, he's never wanted to hit a woman before but did with me those times when I went to see him at hone, which is why he slept with me instead. He then grabbed my face in his hands and then let go, then did it again and gave a kind of frustrated growl, then pulled my face towards him and said that all he wants to do kiss me and rape me...and I've made him like this.

 

Now. The fact I shouldn't have asked him over aside...truthfully you guys that have read my previous posts...have I driven him to the point of feeling like he wants to hit or rape me?

 

That scared me and he's said similar in the past...is that a red flag for him being possibly that type anyway or have I pushed him into feeling that way?

 

Definitely going nc now anyway but the rape thing is playing on my mind...

 

 

WOW. I'm speechless... I don't even know what to say... Wow, this is not gonna end well.

[Mariposa10]

Hmm, next time you invite him over (which I know you will) think about how he'll be near your children.

[Zahara]

I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm speechless.

 

Whether he is like that or if you pushed him to be like that, what would you want from a man like this?

 

I want to take a frying pan and knock you over the head to wake you up. Are you absolutely lost in space?

 

You have a child. Why would you even want to expose your baby to a man that speaks this way and has such morbid and disturbing thoughts or rape and abuse?

 

You're still asking what does it meeeeaaaaannnn?!?! STOP IT.

Edited October 1, 2013 by Zahara

[Mariposa10]

I have a question for you. What are you gonna do when he starts hitting you? Because he's warning you, this is his way of seeing how you would react in case he does it.

 

Are you one of those who say, "hit me, but don't leave me"??

 

Something bad is gonna happen here. I'm just worried about the baby!!