Need brutal honesty

[gothicrose]

No..why I mentioned it was because to me, no man would think of hitting or raping a woman if they were sane and well adjusted. His theory that I drove him to think that way doesn't wash with me.

 

For the record, I am a survivor of childhood abuse and my baby's father liked to strangle me when he didn't like what I was saying. I had him arrested and left.

 

My ex knows about all that stuff which is why it shocked me that he said what he did today.

[lylat333]

That scared me and he's said similar in the past...is that a red flag for him being possibly that type anyway or have I pushed him into feeling that way?

 

To answer your question, yes it is a red flag for him possibly being that type anyway. Believe it or not there are men who would never, ever, ever say or do that to a woman. Disgusting.

 

gothicrose, you've got all the signs, flags, and answers you will ever need to make the decision to go NC and stick with it. Be a fellow no contact warrior as thora-tiki describes. She is 100% right that it will take more than a lousy couple of weeks or even 30 days to change. I think you'll look back on this and be amazed. Hopefully you won't ever desire to go back to something so toxic.

[Zahara]

No..why I mentioned it was because to me, no man would think of hitting or raping a woman if they were sane and well adjusted. His theory that I drove him to think that way doesn't wash with me.

 

For the record, I am a survivor of childhood abuse and my baby's father liked to strangle me when he didn't like what I was saying. I had him arrested and left.

 

My ex knows about all that stuff which is why it shocked me that he said what he did today.

 

I think this is what you needed to move forward and never have any contact with this man again. Even if he comes along a couple of months from now, you must ignore him. Shut the door and move on. Work on your self-esteem. Focus on improving your emotional health.

[thora-tiki]

This is like a chapter from the book American Psycho.

 

With the dog going: Grrr!

Mr. Wonderful going: Down, Adolf!

You going: Gaah!

I really hope you reach out to someone you trust,

since I think you need to talk to someone about your last relationship with Mr. Wonderful.

 

Like my mum says: Talk to a grown up for support.

 

I am in my mid-thirties, and still I follow those wise words.

 

I bet your family would love to listen to you and show you support.

 

Friends also love to help.

 

It is impossible to tell how Mr. Wonderful will react to the break up.

Only his exes will now that.

 

And it is very common for a «hitter» to give the punching bag a last farewell.

Maybe this time he hits too hard, or press too hard, and you don't make it out alive.

 

Sorry for scaring you. But these are the realities.

 

In the mean time ignore all his ranting, bullsh*t or sweet talk -

you just keep on evolving.

 

Now is the time to stop breaking no contact.

 

If one red flag (talking about hitting you) isn't enough for you,

how about two (talking about raping you)?

 

Don't give your time to a guy that talks about rape and hitting you like he was talking about the weather.

Don't let anything stop you from getting back on track, and succeeding.

 

Send this future rapist my way, I'll give him something to cry about:

«Mr. Wonderful, say hello to my bat!»

 

Hah!

I'll put him out of his misery.

 

Stay safe and strong.

[gothicrose]

I know...I asked about that purely because...well youve read how Ive acted and just wondered if there are usually placid men that can be driven to the point of wanting to hurt a woman by her crazy behaviour.

 

I'm going nc and mariposa is right...I could never allow him into my house again.

[gothicrose]

You're right, Thora.

 

He also said "I've never in my life wanted to hit a woman, its never crossed my mind but you do that to me so I slept with you instead. If I'd hit you, I wouldn't have stopped".

 

I was too busy apologising for my behaviour be driving him to it, to realise what he actually said, until now.

[Simon Phoenix]

No..why I mentioned it was because to me, no man would think of hitting or raping a woman if they were sane and well adjusted. His theory that I drove him to think that way doesn't wash with me.

 

For the record, I am a survivor of childhood abuse and my baby's father liked to strangle me when he didn't like what I was saying. I had him arrested and left.

 

My ex knows about all that stuff which is why it shocked me that he said what he did today.

 

Why the hell would you even give a thought to what it means? The moment the word "rape" came out of his mouth you should have ran and never looked back. I don't know what your deal is, but this is completely toxic and I feel you've completely lost your way. Counseling is probably in order at this point.

[FierceFoxie]

I think he is talking out of his ass because you are driving him crazy! I don't know your whole story but after everyone told you to leave this guy the F alone what did you do?

 

Today, I pestered him all morning to meet me so I "get some stuff said to enable me to move on"...in reality I probably just wanted to see him again...

 

Anyway he kept saying no, then when I said he could stay in his van whilst I said my piece then I'd leave him alone for good, he agreed.

 

You seriously are ruining this and driving him bat**** crazy that he is willing to give in to see you so you leave him alone then you took advantage of this by begging and pleading AGAIN.

 

 

I asked why he couldn't just give me one last chance to prove I can back off a bit and he said he didnt know what he would feel in a few weeks but at the moment wants me to leave him the heck alone..

 

*facepalm*

 

Honestly, I don't blame the guy for saying what he did to her. I am not an advocate of violence but I think his words were said out of pure frustration because the OP needs serious help and he knows he can't help her.

 

OP you look pathetic and desperate. Leave this man alone once and for all. He has made it obvious he does not care about you, does not want reconciliation and probably never will because all your actions right now are proving to him that he made the right decision to leave you!

[lindsay1990]

This guy needs a restraining order against you, I'm sorry.

 

It is absurd how you DO THE OPPOSITE of backing off in order to supposedly have him give you a chance to back off. Every second of every minute of every day is your chance to back off.

 

What is he going to have to do? Seriously. Shout at you? Threaten you? Kick you? Go to the police? I will surprised at none of these. You are refusing to listen to what every body here is telling you.

[r321148]

If you really love this guy and you think you've made him the way he is at the moment do you think that's healthy? Do you think you are good for him? Are you currently making his life better? Are you making him happy?

These are things you should be thinking if you really love somebody. If your answer to these is no then accept you aren't right for him and leave him alone! If you won't let him go for your own sake then at least do it for the sake of someone you supposedly love!

 

Saying that there is no excuse for his words and I think it shows another side to his character that you should want no part of. I've been driven crazy by an ex before but I'd never say something like that! Luckily I was moving house anyway and never told her where I moved to. I blocked her phone, Facebook, email etc and that was that. I felt bad of course, but in the end I think it was the best for both of us and didn't involve threats of violence!

[gothicrose]

OK well just to pick up on a few points; he came over but was sitting in the driving seat of his van, seatbelt on and door closed, he had rolled his window down to talk to me and I stayed back from the van...no part of me was touching the van so whilst I understand his frustration, he could have driven away at any point. So there was no need to grab my face in his hands twice and then a third time when he kissed me for a second (I pulled away) as he said all he wants to do is kiss me and rape me...I don't get how someone can be so angry that they start to kiss someone in frustration and as for the rape comments...I know I'm a girl but if I'm angry with someone, the last thing I want to do is have sex with them or be physical in any way!

 

So his theory that I drive him to those thoughts...as I said before i don't buy it.

 

There is also the fact that if he was so bothered about my texting, he could easily block my number...he has a smart phone so its easily done.

 

That's not to say I havent behaved disgracefully; I have and I am nc as of yesterday (baby steps!) but I did hope that in a few months or next year once I've proved I'm not 'that' person that harasses the heck out of him...and he's calmed down a bit, we might be able to gt back on better terms... he said yesterday "coming to see you isn't pleasurable" and it hasn't been...as every time he's been over its been negative. That could change.

 

But I will go nc...at least until I convince myself its truly over.

[Simon Phoenix]

OK well just to pick up on a few points; he came over but was sitting in the driving seat of his van, seatbelt on and door closed, he had rolled his window down to talk to me and I stayed back from the van...no part of me was touching the van so whilst I understand his frustration, he could have driven away at any point. So there was no need to grab my face in his hands twice and then a third time when he kissed me for a second (I pulled away) as he said all he wants to do is kiss me and rape me...I don't get how someone can be so angry that they start to kiss someone in frustration and as for the rape comments...I know I'm a girl but if I'm angry with someone, the last thing I want to do is have sex with them or be physical in any way!

 

So his theory that I drive him to those thoughts...as I said before i don't buy it.

 

There is also the fact that if he was so bothered about my texting, he could easily block my number...he has a smart phone so its easily done.

 

That's not to say I havent behaved disgracefully; I have and I am nc as of yesterday (baby steps!) but I did hope that in a few months or next year once I've proved I'm not 'that' person that harasses the heck out of him...and he's calmed down a bit, we might be able to gt back on better terms... he said yesterday "coming to see you isn't pleasurable" and it hasn't been...as every time he's been over its been negative. That could change.

 

But I will go nc...at least until I convince myself its truly over.

 

DUDE WHAT THE FU*K?!! THIS MAN SAID HE WANTED TO RAPE YOU, AND YOU ARE HOPING TO BE FRIENDS WITH HIM IN THE FUTURE? WHAT THE FU*K IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!

 

I really hope you are a troll, otherwise you have some severe psychological issues you need to work out with professionals. I can't believe you would want to be with this man in any way, friendship or no, AND YOU HAVE CHILDREN!!! If you can't fix yourself for you, how about for your children. Do you think having a mother that is so weak, so incapable of self-control, so unable to see how unbelievably terrible she's acting and so forgiving of a man who said he had thoughts of raping you is good for your children's well-being?

 

WAKE THE FU*K UP!! STOP BEING SUCH A WEAK, PATHETIC PERSON, GO TO A COUNSELOR AND TALK THIS OUT. I mean, I really hope this whole thing is a joke, because at this point, I'm afraid for your kids.

[gothicrose]

Haven't I said I've behaved terribly and am going to stop all that?

 

As for being friends with him, well what if he said it out of anger and frustration? Doesn't mean he would ever do it.

 

And I have no idea what I want...I would like to get on civil terms yes,but in a few months I might not. I can only type what I'm thinking at this moment in time.

[BC1980]

Haven't I said I've behaved terribly and am going to stop all that?

 

As for being friends with him, well what if he said it out of anger and frustration? Doesn't mean he would ever do it.

 

And I have no idea what I want...I would like to get on civil terms yes,but in a few months I might not. I can only type what I'm thinking at this moment in time.

 

Even without the rape comment, this whole situation is just awful. True, you have been acting like a crazy, obsessed stalker. You wanted brutal honesty right? But what kind of man says they want to rape someone out of frustration? Men, on this forum, are telling you how ridiculous that is. It's not a normal thought pattern.

 

I'm more concerned with why you hold yourself in such low regard that you would want a man who says these things? Why you would lower yourself basically stalk him? Aren't you better than that?

[gothicrose]

I don't know...my ex (children's father) blamed me for 'making' him strangle me when I was pregnant with our baby. What had prompted him to do that was I had checked his phone one night after he had been telling me he was sleeping around. So in my mind, checking his phone wasn't great;but it was justified...but after this guy and my craziness I'm just wondering whether I really do drive men to violence

Ive never acted this way before though.

 

The frustrating thing is, right from the beginning I had a thing in the back of my mind worrying that this guy was controlling and manipulative, like my children's father...so its anyone guess why I went so psycho; anxiety prevailing that he might turn out the same way as my other ex so I tried to get there first, picking up on tiny signs like the weird way he used to react to his 'confusing feelings' (lots of pacing and groaning..it was freaky)...or maybe its all me and I'm crazy. I don't know.

[Zahara]

It doesn't matter whether a man is saying abusive things to you out of anger or for whatever other reason. It's a huge red flag that one would go to such extremes in communicating their anger in such ways. He may not act on it, and you shouldn't stick around to find out but it's a sign that he has underlying issues. You have severe abandonment and self-esteem issues as well and the two of you together is just unhealthy.

 

It's time you seek therapy and figure out why you are drawn to these types of situations.

 

Even if he contacts you 3 months from now, 6 months from now, stay away from him. And if you can't do that, stay away from him because of your child.

[lylat333]

gothicrose, I think it's a combination of being drawn to the wrong men and also not expecting enough from a partner. For instance, having a partner who admits to sleeping around is totally unacceptable, that's grounds for leaving and not giving them a second chance.

 

You've been willing to put up with so much just to try and make it work with someone. I agree w/ Zahara, I think it has to do with abandonment and self-esteem issues. Be a woman who is in control of herself, expects more and gets more out of a relationship. Not one still hoping to be on better terms w/ this waste of time you have been dealing with. You don't need his friendship or be on his good side to be validated! You validate yourself by not associating with him anymore, ever.

 

Say you better yourself and are meeting new people. It is infinitely more attractive for you to put a situation like this in the past and never look back and make room in your heart for new, better partners.

[Mariposa10]

You need help, if I had dealt with all the stuff you've dealt with I would need help.

 

Good luck.

[Simon Phoenix]

Haven't I said I've behaved terribly and am going to stop all that?

 

As for being friends with him, well what if he said it out of anger and frustration? Doesn't mean he would ever do it.

 

And I have no idea what I want...I would like to get on civil terms yes,but in a few months I might not. I can only type what I'm thinking at this moment in time.

 

You have said you were going to stop before and haven't yet, so forgive me for being skeptical. As for the guy, I don't care how angry I (or most men) get at a woman, I would never say that I wanted to rape them. That's completely inappropriate. Hell, I've only called two women cun*s in my life and felt completely awful for doing it both times.

 

You need professional counseling. You have no self-worth and your screening process for men is awful. You pick terrible men and then you harass them and cling to them. Like I said before, please get help, if not you, then for your child. I think your issues go beyond anything we can help with.

 

It boggles my mind that a man could say he wants to rape you and you hold out hopes of being his friend. There are millions of men who would be friends with you (provided you act sane) that wouldn't ever think about raping you. Please, assign yourself some value. Remember, you are the provider for another human being as well. Your awful choices and lack of self-esteem affects your child too.

[Fufu]

Dear gothicrose.

 

You have first look into your own emotions

 

If you want NC, stick to it. Why broke it in the first place and got angry when he didn't reply? That's contradiction.

 

You are your own best healer, stay away from him and find some other activities to get your life moving on.

Edited October 3, 2013 by Fufu

[gothicrose]

I'm really only writing this to get it down, kind of like a diary to look back on if I can actually manage to get this nc thing going properly...but a little input on my ex's thinking would be good.

 

Please don't flame me for contacting him again as I know it was stupid.

 

I phoned him on Thursday morning and he was quite cold as usual, saying that I'm sadistic and just wanted to get my claws into him and ruin his life. That's not true at all; I make horrendous choices but only ever wanted to try and fix things quickly...it wasn't Malicious at all and I wanted him to see that. He told me he would never have any feelings for me again, ever.

 

Later that evening I went to his house. When he's home he usually keeps his door open but this time it was shut, however he was home as the lights were on. I knocked the door once and made the decision that if he didn't answer, I'd leave.

He did open the door,after looking out of the window and seeing it was me.

At first, he came outside and said he didn't want me in his house, to which I replied that I hadn't intended on going in there anyway. He sat on the wall with me opposite and I told him I was sorry and more than anything I wanted him to know that I haven't been acting this way to try and cause him hassle and stress. He stood up and asked for a hug. I was wary because of what he said the other day and he said he would never hurt me, so we hugged for a few mins...a proper one, not like usual where he's pressing his groin against me...then he went in the house and asked me to come in.

I refused at first but he insisted so I went and sat next to him on the sofa. I told him again that I wasn't deliberately stressing him out and felt awful for doing it and he said he knows that and he hugged me again, then tried to kiss me. I pulled away and he said "ohh...you have no idea how confused I am about you, do you? I wish we could just run away and go and live on an island somewhere".

I told him he can't be that confused if he told me earlier that he had no feelings for me and never would again...he seems to have made his mind up and he replied that he hadn't made his mind up; he does still think about me a lot (good and bad), he still has feelings for me but not enough for a relationship and that the only thing he has ever lied to me about is when he's said he hasn't got feelings for me. He then said "if I didn't feel anything for you, I wouldn't be so wound up in knots by you would I...but we couldn't work..."I asked why not and at first he said "because I don't think we have enough in common" to which I replied that he can't know that, as we jumped in so fast we never bothered dating and getting to know each other properly. He agreed but a bit later on he said my children were an issue...he doesn't think he can cope with young children anymore at his age. He said "at the moment I can barely look after myself; how could I be responsible for anyone else...let alone a child?".

He also said he doesn't know if he can risk getting into a relationship again with anyone, and then I said I had to go and started to phone a taxi, but he offered to drive me home.

 

On the way, I asked if he might come in for a coffee thinking ten minutes wouldn't work, he said OK but as we got to my front door (he had held my hand and led me to my door) he looked different. We stood in the kitchen and he tried to kiss me again, I pulled away and he went out to sit in the garden. He said he can't handle just coffee at the moment as "I find it too hard not to want to hold you, be in your arms, kiss you. I don't want to just have sex with you, i want to make love to you...show you that sex can be the most pleasurable thing ever...but I need space to get my head together. I don't know if its just physical with you, I don't think it is but maybe all these years I've been confusing lust with something more, I don't know." Then we said goodbye and he left.

 

I did ask him yesterday afternoon (via text message) to come over just for a coffee that evening, he didn't reply so I didn't contact him again.

 

So...aside from the fact I should have left him alone, do you think he was being genuine about the feelings stuff or was he just talking crap to get me into bed? I did ask him that and he said he was being genuine and was confused.

 

What do you think?

[r321148]

Yes he is probably confused. As you've said before he does like you aside from the fact you seem to be a fruitcake. You just keep on doing exactly what he doesn't want you to do and aren't paying any regard to his feelings or your own and proving his point in the process. I think his confusion (or lack of) is irrelevant though.

 

From your point of view: you need to leave him alone and sort out your own issues first. You also need to consider his threats and whether you really want to be with someone like that. Once you've done this somewhere down the line things MAY work out. I really wouldn't get your hopes up though as I think you've probably done too much damage already and the longer you carry on the more damage you will do.

If you carry on as you are the only reason he will ever be with you is if he just gives up (I'm pretty sure expecting this to happen is clutching at straws!) and then do you really want to be with someone who is only with you because you beat them into submission?! Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me!

 

From his point of view: you are driving him nuts. You are playing with his head and his emotions and he needs you to leave him alone as well. If you really do love him you will see what effect you are having on him and back off so he can carry on with his own life. I think you'll be lucky if he doesn't get a restraining order against you soon!

 

From your child's point of view (and arguably the most important): Do you really want a man in your child's life who makes threats against you when he is angry? Do you want a man in your child's life who doesn't want to be with you? Do you want your child to grow up with a mother who has no self worth? You have a child so this is where your focus should be. Show him/her love and support and stop chasing this guy. Channel all of the energy you are wasting on this guy to your child....someone who will genuinely appreciate it and will love you back!

 

This scenario is not healthy for anyone at the moment and you really need to step back! Leave him alone for your sake, for his sake and for the sake of your child!

[gothicrose]

Thanks, I agree that this situation isn't healthy at all as it is.

 

The thing is he keeps saying that he has feelings for me and things like he said last night - I wish we could just run away...I supposed it might be clutching at straws but there's a part of me thinking that maybe he does have significant feelings but because of all the hassle and craziness its not strong enough to want to date me...plus the fact that he's feeling battered and bruised from jumping into things with me too quickly before he was fully over splitting with his last partner...and then all the outside issues like family stuff and my children. There would be a lot to get over.

 

BUT through it all he has seemed to have retained some feelings...yes he's confused but I was hoping that after some space away from me, if he's still got some feelings then there might be something to work with, once we have both got our heads sorted out.

[Mariposa10]

All I can say is: this is not gonna end up well and I'm scared for your child.

[gothicrose]

Please leave my children out of it, thanks.

 

Even if we had of got together in the future, he wouldn't have been anywhere near the children for at least a year.