how to come out of obsession

[greenhorn]

Now i am very very much sure that nothing good can happen to me and i feel i dont deserve a better life than this.

 

You all have been so kind to give me those suggestions and why shudnt i follow them. I tell you the whole story.

Mary asked me to go for NC.i dint contact her she mailed me to come online i went online she chatted with me in a nice manner though i knew that i wud be hurt but i dint say anything and had a good chat with her on friday.

She again came on satday and again chatted with me.She then came on Monday and asked me to come online and i came online and even i cudnt belev that she cud talk to me so kindly i thot that everything is fine now.She talked as we were talking before so nicely even chiding me for using formal words while chatting and showing so much care. I couldnt save that chat otherwise i wud have posted it here for you ppl to read it.All these days i didnt ask her to come online but she asked me and yesterday she talked to me in so caring manner that even i cant belev myself.I was so happy.

 

Now today she came online and asked me to come online and i also came online and then she suddenly in the start of chat started talking rudely telling me that i have made her life tortorous ,she hates me it is just for showing some mercy that she is talking to me otherwise she wont even talk to me.I cudnt belev myself i said what has happnd to you suddenly today she said nothing im normal i said u were the one i was chatting yesterday and all those days she said yes and started saying that dont expect anything from me and stop bugging me and if i say anything more she wud stop talking to me ,she has changed for me and has now no feeling for me..

i cant imagine what is happening why she started behaving this way today..only yesterday it was like everything fine between us she had talked so intimately to me yesterday and today so rudely.

 

Now tell me what do i do in this situation .how can i follow all the suggestion that you ppl give...now it seems that nothing can help me ..i cud never come out of this ...why the hell is she doing this to me ..one day talk nicely and next day talk rudely ..wat do i reason out of this....how do i follow all these suggestions...

 

what do i do.what do i make out of this...

[tokyo]

Greenhorn, I may have been a bit too impatient with you, but you MUST try to get a grip on your life. What you tell about this girl sounds so damn immature. She is nasty and keeps treating you like - well, you know what.... And for my part I have to say, you do sound like a whiner, I´m sorry, but you sound like this. I don´t know how old you are, but you must pull yourself together. I have a lot of trouble to get over people and I need a lot of time to heal and I understand it when people have problems to cope with a break up, but if you continue like this you will not get her back. Do you understand this? Nobody would take you. You are so damn clingy that it will drive people nuts, including your girlfriend. Mary3 gave you very good advice and you should try to follow it.

 

I never had such a long relationship as you had and I can imagine that you feel a lot of pain and I´m very sorry that you suffer so much, sweetie, but if you continue to cling to her so much you will lose her. I can guarantee you this with a 100 % certainty. Do something with your life to make her want you come back.

 

Good luck

[greenhorn]

It's all right Kooky even if u were a bit too impatient for me but i does not matter to me,doesnt matter if someone comes and shouts at me ,ridicules me ,humiliates me or kicks me i dont want anything good from this world i dont want anything better cause there is nothing better..

 

You say that i WHINE and i am in self pity mode and how old are you? i tell you the whole thing i m 27 yrs old and she is also few months younger than me.We met when i was 20 years old and from the last year i donno what went rong and i can remember from the last october i have cried every day.

 

I have tried not contacting her in the past but she contacts me which i m not able to say no cause i love her .I never could belev myself that i can love someone so much you know it was always a selfless love i never demanded any thing from her.You can if i can think of only one person in this whole world for whom i have never thot bad then it is she.even sometime i have thot not good of my parents when they used to scold me when i was child (ashamed to say this but it is true) now can you understand the pain and the whining and the self pity.

 

why do i loose her i dont know..

 

yesterday she talked so sweetly so caring and so intimately that i thot of savingtht chat but laptop crashed and i cudnt save it and now today she talked so rudely to me.She says that this relationship is torturing to her and my love is sickening to her.

 

I might not the best guy in ths world but all these years i helped her to reach the position where she has and the guys there are more appealing to her it seems.i might not have the best guy butmy love for her was the best one.she said to me that dont expect anthing from me but i nevr expected anythg just kind words ..

i cant understad thsi that yesterday she talked nicely and today so rudely what is the reason for this what is the that happnd in one day why not say it to me cleary.

and you know i dint go to her she called me there and gave me this nice treatment of today's

 

YX.. Mary where are you ...i need your help i m feeling very bad now ..just took 2 sleeping pills.

[tokyo]

Look, it doesn´t matter at all if you understand her or not, if you think she is irrational or not. Fact is, she broke up with you and is making you feel bad. Maybe she has a problem with you, maybe you did something that hurt her in the past, maybe she needs space, because she doesn´t know what she wants, maybe, maybe, maybe.... But you know what? It doesn´t matter. She does not want to have a relationship with you now for whatever reason and she´s not able to communicate it to you which should be the basis for any relationship.

 

So, what do you intend to do? Continue whining? Is this your cunning plan to get her back? You´re not going to achieve it with this. You´re letting yourself go and it´s damn unattractive. I´ve never felt compelled to write such harsh words here on LS, but you really need a kick in your ass to wake up.

[greenhorn]

i am not able to sleep thoug i have taken the pils and my head is spining .i am just tryig to figure out whta is wrong..why she behaved in this what do today

how come she is so willling to end such a s a long relation which was started by her only. I never expected anything from her in the relationship except commitment adn loyalty.

it was a very selfless relationship from my side.

i really am in lot of pain adn trauma nothing is helping me no suggestion no advice seems working for me.

i m like devasted shattered broken and the most helpless damn little creature on earth.

 

no one can understand me... but i cant suddenly become a frnd as she has changed to ...frnship can change to love but love cant change to frnship.

 

she spoke so rudely to me but she is so kind to those guys speaks so good abt them that they are so nice goes to parties with them and i m the only one whom she kicks around like a street dog,.

tell me if u get new frdns wud u forget them whom u said to be special at one time..

why are ppl like this..why there is not a single bit of compassion from her side fo

[ion]

Greenhorn,

 

Sometimes when people leave, they need to destroy the image and feelings inside themselves of the other person and what the relationship was. Your ex-girlfriend that you shared the a relationship with for seven years is gone. That person changed the day she decided to end your relationship. She made a choice and that choice was to not have you in her life.

 

What is going on now? It sounds like she is tearing down the relationship, brick by brick, distancing herself from you with every conversation by placing all of the blame and doubt she had on you. Whether, this is fair or not, it's easier for her to blame you and that blame is what gave her the cause or justification to end the relationship.

 

You did support her for the past seven years, helped her achieve some of her goals. All of that existed and occurred during your time together. But what is going on now, is tearing at your memories even.

 

A> Cease all contact with her. This means you need to change all of your IM handles, telephone numbers, etc... Also, it means you need to find new places to go where you will not have any chance encounters with her. Additional with any mutual friends or family members, do not, I repeat, ask any questions about her. This includes telling said people if they start mentioning her, that you do not want to talk about her at the present moment.

 

B>Invest your time and energy in two areas to improve yourself. Find some physical activity that you can do three times a week. Second, find some way to grow mentally with your imagination or creativity, learn a new language, take those cooking courses, etc..

 

C>When you think of her, limit how much time you will spend. Then start to pull back the time.

20 minutes, to 15 minutes, to 5minutes, to zero.

 

D>Let yourself enjoy living just for a few minutes a day. You did before you met her and you will again.

 

The pain will pass, even if you try and hold on to it.

 

Good Luck!

[XNemesisX]

Greenhorn,

 

I understand what you are going through SO MUCH.

 

I went and met with my ex today for lunch and to talk. Last night I finally talked to him and told him I needed answers and closure. All he did was make me feel so awful and I didn't get closure because all he could do was yell at me to GET OVER IT. He asked me what more do I want..I said I want for you to not be a coward and talk to me to my face.

 

Well he told me he never wanted to see me again. And this morning I called him and said please just do me this one favor to just meet with me and talk face to face, phone conversations just don't work for me. He agreed.

 

I had to drive an hour to see him and we went to lunch. He wasn't looking well. He hadn't bathed in days, and his eyes looked dark purple underneath. He had lost a lot of weight since I had last seen him when we were still together. He looked horrible really. I didn't know if maybe he was more upset about our breakup than he wanted to say. He had also grown a beard where apparently he hadn't even shaved for a while.

 

We pretty much small talked all through out lunch then went to my car and talked. He told me he was sorry for everything he had done and I said I was sorry too. However, for every nice thing he said he counteracted it with an insult. He said he knew he could do better than me. And that he didn't love me anymore becuase he could not take the fact that I have dated other people before him. (that is mainly why we couldn't stay together, he was extremely jealous and insecure over past relationships I've had). I had been insecure about his also, but not to the point that I would end the relationship every 2 seconds when I got insecure about it..he's extremely immature.

 

He's even slept with way more people than I have, and had more girlfriends. He knows he is my one and only true love in my opinion and no one came close to him in my eyes but he could not accept that and he coudl not forgive me for going out with someone else during a period of time that he had broken up with me in the past and would not even speak to me to even give me closure. (this last breakup was about 6 months ago).

 

It just really hurts. Especially when he is being such a hypocrite. There is nothing I can do to reason with him though. He just doesn't get it.

 

We both hugged for a while and he kept repeating that he didn't love me anymore. I really didn't have to be told that repeatedly. That hurts. At the same time I made sure to point out that his actions toward me during the relationship were not exactly great. He cheated on me several times, I forgave him like an idiot, and then he wants to say that he can't be with ME over a DATE from when we were BROKE UP. Ugh.

 

Basically he can dish it out but he can't take it when its fired back at him. He is a hypocrite plain and simple. Now I do have my closure though. I'm glad we met to talk. I see that a future reconciliation will never happen and I'm not going to throw my dignity back to the wind and lower myself to act like I'm desperate for him to come back after what a hypocrite hes proved himself to be.

 

Trust me, it is hard to remember this at times. Sometimes we just want to let our real emotions out and act whiny, desperate, etc but DON'T DO IT NO MATTER WHAT. I know that in time I will get over this and whether or not I meet another person I feel this strongly for, is irrelevant. I can't change the way he feels about me or make him "come around" He has it set in his mind that he no longer loves me anymore and that is it. No matter how many times I forgave him, he just couldn't forgive me for something I did while we were broke up. I can't do anything to change that. I have to keep reminding myself that.

 

I'm sure my advice isn't too good right now as I'm feeling so down right now too. Its just sad to lose someone that was so important to you. But life went on before them, and life will go on after them. My ex and I both made some mistakes toward eachother but the difference was he could not forgive and he could not see his own faults . He also has a stubborn/pride problem. And you know what? There isn't a damn thing I can do about it!

 

We just have to see the situation for what it really is. Even if we know it is unjust, and even if maybe they too also know deep down that they are being crappy about it, we can't MAKE them see that. The only thing we can hope for is that they will see that in time. They will not and I repeat WILL NOT EVER see that if you don't leave them alone and let them feel what it is really like to have really lost us. Only then, will they see what they lost and/or realize their own wrongdoing. or maybe they won't. Either way, nothing we can do to control that.

 

All we can do is just focus on getting through the day. I know today I missed 2 very important classes to meet with him because my mind was not able to focus at all on my school work because of this whole ordeal. I knew I would go to class in tears if I didn't resolve this. This is a HORRIBLE time for me to have to go through this because this is my senior year in college and finals are just around the corner. Trust me I know how it is not being able to focus or concentrate on things. Its nearly impossible when you are so depressed and distraught and upset over something like this. I just hope I can get through finals, this is still tough on me even though I now have my "closure."

 

You may want to try what I did. Call up your ex and tell her you need to see her face to face to discuss unresolved issues you have so that you can fully move on. See if she will agree to that. So far I think it has helped me but I will keep you up to date on how well I do with NC from here on out. We gotta hang in there and get through this! I know I'm also popping the sleeping pills too and (unfortunately) kind of ignoring my studies. We gotta get our life together and realize the reality of things.

 

I'm sorry Greenhorn that you are going through so much pain but please remember that you are not the first to go through this and you certainly won't be the last. You seem to be a religious person so maybe you should pray about this and try to gather your strength back. I know that previously I haven't been particularly religious but since this whole ordeal with my ex, I have prayed so much. This morning before I called him I prayed and said that if he answered the phone to let that be my sign that we should see eachother. On the way to meet him I prayed for strength and that no matter the outcome, that I feel at peace with all of this. I know I will have to do my part too to make this a reality for me.

 

In psychology they tell us taht before a client comes in, they MUST BELIEVE they can be helped to really benefit from therapy. Now you must believe in yourself. Believe that YES YOU CAN overcome this.

 

I know before I have suggested just cutting all contacts with her but maybe you should try to sit down with her face to face and really try to figure things out. Your ex sounds very angry like mine, and I kind of see that as proof that we do mean SOMETHING to them still, or else they wouldn't even care enough to be mad! I'm sure that you did mean something to her during that time you were together but for whatever reason she saw a relationship was just not possible anymore. Go find out your explanations if she is willing. Tell her what I said to my ex this morning, that you can not live like this. That you don't want her to hate you and you don't want to hate her. And you think that if you can forgive eachother that it would be beneficial for the both of you because all hatred and anger does is not only hurt YOU but hurts her too! My ex responded to this, and its the truth. I think it even says in the bible somewhere that hating someone is the same as murdering them (?) A friend told me this and it strikes me so true. While our exes hated us so much, it killed us EMOTIONALLY. Hating them in return is also draining. See if she would be up for giving you this sort of meeting. I will keep you posted on how I do after meeting with the ex....

 

Hold your head up!

[gridiron]

I have only read snippets of this thread, but greenhorn, I would also suggest you take a look at Trapped Minds , which is a site for those with depression and obsession. You are getting great support from a few posters here, but that site offers you another option in case no one is responding here and you really are thinking about self harm. I have a friend who suffers from clinical depression and that site has been very helpful to her. I have no further advice to give that has not already been given by some of the great replies you have gotten. I really wish the best for you.

 

Edit: the board is down right now, but should be back up soon, hopefully.

[ConfusedInOC]

Greenhorn, I am in a similar position right now. I have someone I love so much that I think I am possessed! I want to rush out to her and be with her right now. I made her cry Sunday because I found out she had been lying to me and guess what, I am the one who feels bad about it. That's not right at all.

 

I have found coming to this forum and talking is a good start. The advice here, as long as it's given in a constructive manner, is generally very good and I do my best to heed it. I didn't think I'd be giving advice, but here goes.

 

The longer you think about her, the longer you talk to her the deeper a pit you'll dig of dispair. The ONLY and I mean ONLY way out of your rut is forget about her and try and find some hobbies or someone else to keep your mind off her.

 

I own a Sportbike so when I need to get my mind off something, I'll slap the helmet on and go riding. Now that might not be an option for you, but video games work! Writing songs works for me too. So does playing guitar.

 

One thing I am learning is this person I love, I never leave her any space so she can never miss me. We've never gone longer than 2 days without talking. That's about to change soon and I believe if I hold my ground, one of two things will happen:

 

1. She'll come around and realize she misses me and made a mistake or

2. She'll never call again and I'll forget about her and move on.

 

In fact, though this is too soon, I am going out to a Christmas party (Christian) on Friday just to get her off my mind and keep my sanity.

 

The longer you idolize her, the less attractive you will look to her. Forget her and move on.

 

Good luck and I'll pray for you.

[greenhorn]

Yeah i know i have the best suggestions that i can get and eveyrone of them starts with forgetting her but this is the thing i am not able to do I am not able to forget her.

 

Till Monday evening on chat she talked so nicelt so caring kindly,when she was about to leave i said can you stay for five more mins she said why not.She said she would come again on tuesday to chat with me asked me to take care and not to worry abt anything.This was the end of the chyat and in the whole chat there were so kind words from her i was so happy that everything i back on track.

 

As promised she again came on tuesday but from the start she was talking rudely i said what happened she said nothing she is always like this dont expect anything from me i m not your gf i am going to stop all the connections with you and cruel words like this.NOW ON THE EARTH I KNOW what happened suddenly

 

She tell me now that she never loved me how can i belev she is denying that she ever loved me though i have letters email chats where she had said that she loves me and in then only i came in this relationship and now she is saying that she never loved me.

 

There are many such isntances where i was hurt by her but i always put them behind cause i cud never hate her and i thot everything is fine but nothing was fine as it was proved yesterday.

 

I m feeling great pain inside last night i took sleeping pills can cried and slept donno but again got up in middle again those thots so took one more pill and slept .I have not got up from my bed now it is 11.45 am ,havent gone to work also ,just lying on my bed and posting.

 

This pain is hurting me too much why is she doing this to me why is not feeling an iota of pain that i m feeling why she is so hell bent upon dumping me what is that i lack.I regret coming into this relationship but i m very sure that it was not one sided love as she says now and if i start saying ki no it wasnt one sided then she wud start saying that ok "if it was not one sided then i m lying i m bitch i m s***"

 

Tell me would i have gone so weak for someone if the other person does not love you and wud this come out in the seventh year of our relationship.Will one sided relationships last that long..

 

all these thots are running into my mind dont know what to do ..i want to get rid of the pain which is tearing me apart.

[greenhorn]

She wants everyone in her life except me and she does not even feel anything while saying this.How easy it is for her and how can i take it some one who was there for 7 yrs forget her as if she never existed..she says she will stop all connections from me and its only me rest all ppl are fine for her.What is she made of isnt she human??

 

no this is too much i cant do this..

i m the most helpless peron on earth i cant find any way to relieve me of my pain.

[moon]

Greenhorn,

 

It is just such a cliche for your ex to tell you "I never loved you...." or "I don't love you anymore." That's like rule number one in the dumper's handbook for how to cause the dumpee to feel as low as humanly possible.

 

Stop dwelling on that. Really stop. If somebody spent seven years with a person unless that person is just some sort of masochist....if they told you they loved you at the time, just take it at that. They loved you at that time!! I guess it is true that love is verb. Right now the girl is not loving you. But I would really stop yourself from thinking about all those times she told you she loved you and feeling cheated or lied to. I am sure she was loving you at those times. Seriously, most people (dumper) say those types of things when they break up with somebody. What else do you say? I still am still in love with you.......therefore we must break up because I am a committment phobic." NOOOOO.....a guy will say "I don't love you"....and then they go play the field.....But the lie becomes hard to maintain after a few months (or even a year) go by of no contact. At that point usually somebody who loves you will contact you again----they can't get you off of their mind. My ex and I broke up one time before we had our big one a few months ago. We broke up for a year. He contacted me after a year went by. And I thought ohhhhh he must really love me. My ex STILL wouldn't admit that that was the reason we were getting back together. Well, why else would you want to get back together with an ex after a year has gone by of not being with them? Why go through the trouble?

Some people just do not want to really express themselves or they are just lying to themselves. Don't worry about that. That is not your problem.

 

Another one is : "I love you, but I am not in love with you." I mean it's like one of the most used quotes for dumpers.

 

So stop being so hard on yourself. Your ex seems to want to torture you for some reason. I think you should stop giving her all this power over you. You should start no contact asap. I know it will hurt.....but it sounds like you've really been hurting yourself a lot recently and it sounds like you need a break from that misery. Have you gotten therapy? You should do that too.

 

Good luck. I know you feel like you are in the worst funk of your life, but remember it will get better. It will feel better someday, so you just need to remember that. And most of the people on this board are in some way, shape or form experiencing more or less what you are feeling. So you are not alone in it!! Hey, you're human. We all feel hurt at times. But try to start disconnecting from this girl (your ex). She doesn't sound so pleasant. Sorry to say.

[tokyo]

greenhorn,

 

how old are you? Do you have any friends apart from this girl? Did any of your friends ever tell you that you are clingy?

 

I´ve seen a lot of posts here of people who were incredibly sad, desperate, angry, disappointed, a lot of emotions, some didn´t want to give up, some wanted to move on, they all have their reasons to act like this. I see you as wallowing in self-pity which doesn´t get you to any point and I´m starting to think you enjoy it. What do you want? Get her back or drive her away? Rest assured, continue like this and she will run screaming. Nobody would support a partner who is so whiny. There´s a difference in being an emotional and sensitive person and someone who is so suffocating.

 

You claim all you wanted was nice words and kindness from her part. God, couldn´t you have said it to her more directly, like: "Please, let me be your doormat. Please, kick me as you like." Did you make her feel guilty every time she did not treat you so nice? Were you the forgiving martyr again? People don´t want to be with someone whose happiness depends on them. You know why? Because they would have to be busy to make *you* happy all the time, always being afraid to hurt your feelings when you don´t get enough attention. People don´t want a slave who worships them as partners.

 

The way you are coping with your break up right now is symptomatic for you behavior during the relationship and frankly I`m surprised it lasted so long.

 

If you need answers and closure, then suggest a meeting with her, face-to-face as someone had suggested. As long as you are clingy and dwelling on your pains as long she will be nasty with you. She will pity you, but at the same time she will not know how to handle this, because if she´s nice, it will raise your hopes. So the only thing she will do is treat you in a rude way, so you will leave her alone. Of course, her behavior is not mature and she should know that she owes you answers, but some people are like that. They will not answer and they will not know how to deal with someone who clings to them in another way than pushing him away.

 

Pull yourself together if you want to get her back. Show her you are a man and not a wimp. She should understand that your whining comes from not getting answers if she was more mature, but obviously she doesn´t. And she will not talk to you as long as you continue to whine about this like a baby. As long as you are making her feel guilty about the break up as long she will push you away, because people like to consider themselves to be good and noble. The more you show her how much you are suffering the more she will feel guilty about the break up. Will it bring her back? NO. It will only make her believe even more that you are the reason for the break up.

 

If you continue like this, then please let me assume that you are a helpless case and secretly enjoy the pain. People here gave you very good advice, either follow it or let yourself get hit by a train, for God´s sake and end this horrible pain, spare yourself sleepless nights if you can´t take it. Maybe thus you will get some compassion from her part.

[greenhorn]

Kooky ,I really dont know what to feel after reading your post ..feel good or feel worse or go and get hit by a train...

i dont knwo what makes u think that i am clingy person.It was all the time she called me to come online to chat with her that i went never these days i went to her to ask her to come and chat.

 

Its like i have nothing else to do here so i keep on posting on this forum which makes you think that i m clingy.

and as far as whining is considered what should i say to her that look u have dumped me and that makes me feel so nice i m happy to be dumped.

 

i dont whine to her i talk to her normally abt general things and she shows her caring atttitude and next day rude .i dont whine to her i m not that kinda guy if someone says that he/she doesnt like to talk to me it is me who will take care that i dont meet that person.i have a fairly high ego in this regard.

 

Do you think that i m going to her and saying that i m dying here widout u no.i m not it is just that i m pouring out my heart here.

 

and as far as attention is required if u love someone wont u ask for that persons attention or be possessive.

i dont know if u love someone would u like to that person to go out for dinner with someone else rather u..if it is true then i was wrong.....

 

i had mentioned my age before also i am 27 yrs and am in this foreign country for the past 2 months and i have no frnds here.

[tokyo]

greenhorn,

 

I don´t write with mean intentions, but I have truly rarely seen anybody write so much about the meaningless of life, how painful it is, how much he is suffering, etc. I do know it hurts as hell, but it will not help you. I don´t want to pity you, because you are pitying yourself enough already.

 

Stay away from her. If she asks you to chat with her, refuse. There´s no need that you let her torture you. Tell her this. Tell her, if she is not able to make up her mind and behave appropiately, then she should stop contacting you. Demand respect, don´t whine for respect. Don´t beg for respect.

 

Go out, so that next time when she wants to chat with you, you can tell her you can´t talk right now, because you are going to a party. Next time she asks you how things are going, tell her you enjoy life to the fullest and let it be the truth. It will disturb her, most people want to matter in someone elses life even if they don´t care for them. It´s an ego thing. She´ll feel troubled if you are not so available anymore.

 

In which country are you now? You will miss a lot of the fun when you are abroad just by sitting at home and feeling miserable. You will miss the chance to meet a lot of other foreign students and enjoy life. Go out, see other girls, make her jealous. If she can find great guys, you´ll find great women. She´s not the only one who can have fun.

 

I´m serious, either you decide you want her back and dedicate yourself to this task or you decide to move. If you can´t decide, then just let yourself get hit by this train and end this endless misery, jump from the highest tower in your city if you want to add some drama to your good-bye. Find someone who needs a slave and work yourself to death, at least you had a productive ending. But DO something.

[XNemesisX]

I will try and keep this response brief this time cause I have a tendency to write a novel on this topic lol...

 

Greenhorn, are you going to try and meet with her in person as I did with my ex? Did you read my last response? Tell me what you think of that idea.

 

The problem is that you don't have closure. And I think she did love you, and is angry at you for some reason. Be honest here, can you think of ANYTHING you have done to make her angry at you?

 

My ex is mostly angry that I went out with someone else during a break up period. I'm not going to lie I did a few crappy things myself to him. She may not yet be at the acceptance period of HER grief. But some people are good at hiding it and the more you act like you want to talk to her the more she will think you are easy and she can have you back at any time she damn well pleases. Unfortunately people do like people less the less of a challenge they appear. Give her a dose of her own medicine, that is unless you get her to meet with you in person.

 

She DID love you. You know that. She DID. And I can bet money that she is hurting too. Unless you are a total sociopath and have the emotional foundation of a rock, both dumper and dumpee would be upset and CARE after a 7 year relationship. Trust me, she cares.

 

Moon put it best. People only say they never loved you or don't love you anymore to make the person being dumped feel even lower than they already would have. My ex kept repeating that line to me over and over yesterday and it almost seems like they do that to try and convince themselves of it to help justify their decision. I doubt many people actually mean that. Oh, and if they are angry at you for some reason all the more reason to say those lines. Try and make you feel like sh*t.

 

Please tell me what you think about going and meeting with her. And be 100% honest on here, is there ANYTHING you can think of that would make her angry at you? You said she tells you how much she hates you. Maybe the way she is acting is her way of punishing you for something. You can tell us the truth about that, we all make mistakes. I know I made mistakes in my relationship as well. There must be something that is ticking her off.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by YX32Nemesis

There must be something that is ticking her off.

 

True, but still very immature not to talk with him about it.

[XNemesisX]

Very immature. But unfortunatley some people are better at running from their problems and being passively agressive (like making low blows at someone, trying to punish them, ignoring the person, etc). Not the best way to deal with things, but some people deal with anger like that instead of just talking it out with the person.

 

OR

 

Greenhorn knows what she is mad at.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by YX32Nemesis

Very immature. But unfortunatley some people are better at running from their problems and being passively agressive (like making low blows at someone, trying to punish them, ignoring the person, etc). Not the best way to deal with things, but some people deal with anger like that instead of just talking it out with the person.

 

OR

 

Greenhorn knows what she is mad at.

 

He did mention that she was obviously blaming him for messing up her life, but I´m not sure if she meant to say it or was just being nasty to him.

 

I think he would have poured it out already and started flagellating himself. Unless it was something really really awful.

[moon]

I disagree that you don't have closure Greenhorn, like one of the posters above said. If your ex had walked out of your life with out a reason....then you would need some sort of closure. You would need to know why.

 

But unfortunately you have already gotten your reason. Now, even though it is a "typical response" from a dumper who wants to break up with you (it may or may not be true), but your ex did tell you she doesn't love you anymore. It is soooooooooo cruel and hurts like hell. But there, my friend, is your closure.

 

It is insignificant what you did (or she did) for your ex to arrive at this decision. It doesn't really matter. Like I said in one of my above posts, many use this as the reason to break up......but then some come scurrying back because they realize they were just bull sh*ting themselves. This is true. Like I wrote above this was what happened to me.

 

BUT...BUT...BUT!!!! You can not ignore that your ex did in fact say this to you. You can not force another person to love you. That is your closure right there. You can't beg another to love you, you can't trick them into it. If that is what their heart (and mind) is telling them.......then so bit it...she doesn't love you anymore. The faster, the quicker, the more expediently you can grasp that.....the better. Then you can truly understand that it was her not loving you ANYMORE (forget about the past I love you's ---those are gone). That is ALL you need to know.

 

The more you keep asking, the more you are going to get hurt. Because this girl is going to give you 500 reasons (true, unkind or not) why she doesn't love you right now. She might tell you horrible things that you don't want to hear....because this girl is trying to defend herself for what she did to you.

 

Please don't go searching for any more "closure." I think you've got it.

 

I went searching for closure for a few years once when I broke up with somebody. All it did was give me a fricken headache. All I really wanted to know from the guy was are we are we not getting back together? That was what I wanted to know. I needed to know that for "closure." I admit my ex did play games with me and didn't exactly say if we were or were not going to get back together-----so I searched and searched until that door closeed. We never got back together.

 

But I learned from that that searching for closure when the person (luckily) is telling you everything you need to know is fruitless. You will just hear some nasty adjectives that you don't want to hear about. Do yourself a favor and just say it's done. Tell yourself------If my ex wants to contact me to change her position or to give herself closure then I may or may not talk to her. But you going out there and searching for more hurtful things to be said about you.........just isn't worth in in my opinion.

 

What you are really asking for is a reason........and the girl has stated it. She doesn't love you anymore. Don't question that.......she may or may not be lying, but it is not your riddle to solve. She's spelled it out for you.

 

Believe me I have been there......I've been that person searching for closure when it was right there staring at me in my face. With my last ex, he broke up with me. He basically said the same thing like he didn't love me anymore. He was hooking up with another woman so that's why. But I never questioned what he said as why we broke up. I know it also had to do with another woman-----but those are not MY issues to solve. Those are his. The fact that he can jump from one relationship to the next (we went out for four years) is not my problem. He can do it. He can jump......he's proven that. Now If I sit and question if he can or can't (as a means for my closure) well I it is a waste of time. Because I am not God. I don't know how he could just stop loving me, I don't know how he could just hop on over to another woman-----but I am not him. So why should I understand that.

 

Anyway, good luck. Let yourself heal from this. Tell the ex next time she calls to get her head on straight before she calls you again because you were good to her and you don't deserve her treatment. Create some boundaries for her plethora of abuse. Don't take it anymore!!!!! Give yourself time to heal. That is all you need. Your feelings will go away for this girl. If my feelings could go away for my first boyfriend (I was sooo in love with him for years) then your feelings can go away from this girl. I never even think about my first love anymore. But if you told me that a number of years ago I would have never believed you. Seriously, time helps you forget. You will forget this woman. Good luck.

[XNemesisX]

Good points Moon.

 

I didn't really think of it like that but you are right. The simple fact that she is saying she doesn't love him anymore should be the closure.

 

moon,

 

This might be slightly off topic but I noticed you said that your ex had told you that he didn't love you anymore only to realize that he thought different and came back. Your situation sounds SO familiar to me. I think another reason why I went and met with my ex yesterday for "closure" was because through out the duration of our relationship we would break up/make up on a constant basis. He has also told me before that he didn't love me anymore only to come back a little over a month later and tell me he loves me and wants to marry me. Now here we are again going through yet another break up. And today I feel different. Because I'm not sure if I should have closure or NOT. He is so unpredictable. BUT I do know this, I really don't want to get back together with him only to have to be broken up with AGAIN in a few months. I'm sick of that.

 

Are you still with this ex? Is this the ex that you said left you for another woman, is he the one who came back?

 

Sorry I'm asking so many questions but it sounds so much like what I'm going through.

 

I wonder if this was the first breakup for Greenhorn...maybe that is why he is having trouble with closure? Its hard to have closure when the person has a track record of breaking up and making up. Some people just can't make up their minds!

 

Greenhorn,

 

I may have to agree with Moon that this SHOULD be your closure. I think a lot of times we hold on to this idea of love being forever and that if they loved us so much in the past, it must still linger today. I do know from a dumper's perspective as I ended my relationship before this most recent one, that sometimes feelings do just go away. Nothing we can do about it though. Like Moon said, we aren't God and we can't even try to understand what other people are thinking or why/how they can think those things.

 

Tell us what you plan to do.

[Mary3]

Did you even listen to my suggestion to NOT TALK TO HER ON THE COMPUTER ???? I see you say " She asked me to go online...thursday....and I did.....She asked me to go online Friday and I did....she asked me Saturday to go online and I did.......What the #@#@! !!

 

What **SHE WANTS** is bull^&*@! !!

 

IT does NOT matter what SHE wants.!

 

She could care less if a Giant swarm of Locusts attacked you eating your body alive !

 

This is getting exhausting but because I still go through the pain of someone mind****ing with my head I can relate to your abuse that your x gf is dishing out on you...but YOU AND ONLY YOU can end this crap. Seriously this is getting quite exhausting talking to you. It would make a BIG difference if told me just ONE thing you did to move on with your life. Just ONE thing....but all I hear is your pain and as long as you let that internet Xgf get to you then you are creating your own misery.

 

If you want help we will help. If you want to complain ( And thats one thing I detest is a person who complains and wants NO solution for his/her misery) then you are talking to the wrong person.

 

I cant help a dead rock. !! Wake up !!

 

7 years is gone. Nobody promised you that you would have 50 years with her....even if she did promise that. She could have been hit by a train....deported....murdered....or just indifferent to your life....which is what it IS NOW !

 

Please listen ...this is not complaining board...it is a HELP board....and while we are at it...Stay off of the chatrooms with her....what a destructive hateful girl....stop swallowing her crap !

[XNemesisX]

LOL amen Mary. Ditto to everything you said.

 

I too am feeling exhausted with this. Mary, Moon, Kooky, all of us who have replied have given you so many suggestions but you haven't said you have tried ANY of it. Are you listening to us at all? Have you read all of our posts? Are you trying to do anything at all to help your situation?

 

We all understand that you are in pain, we have all been there. But you have GOT to try and make it better! Otherwise, you must enjoy being depressed more than you think.

 

Please answer and tell us if anything we have said has registered to you. Are we just talking to a brick wall?

[moon]

YX32Nemesis, (sorry this is long......my thoughts just took over).......

 

Well the story of my ex and I is complicated---to say the least. How to say it sort of quickly?? Basically we met four years ago while traveling. We traveled together for a long time and then came back to the same state (in the US) but opposite ends of the state. We continued a long distance (visit when we could, calling a lot, etc) relationship. I was sort of still loving (but not at all together with) another ex I had had. My new boyfriend was also sort of getting over somebody he'd completely screwed over (but it had been about a year since he and this girl had broken up). I didn't think he and I would make it really. I wasn't sure he and I would have a long relationship or not. I knew I liked him, but he had some other problems (he's a slacker, drinks a bit too much, family issues)......anyway we carried on for a little over a year like this. We both knew we loved each other (and said it a lot). I basically wanted more of a commitment from him. I wanted us to move closer together.....be in a more serious relationship after a year of knowing him. He sort of didn't jump at it. He just kind of liked things sort of loose. He could have been hooking up with other women for all I knew at that point. So anyway, after a year and a few months of knowing him I said GOOD BYE and good day, sayonara....have a nice life.....adios buddy. He didn't really try to change my mind and didn't contact me after that....I didn't contact him either.

 

After a month or so (after the break up) I was happy again and dated a few other people. I was sort of having the time of my life....hard to understand. I finally got over the ex ex also. Anyway, about a year later my ex sends me an e-mail wanting to see me and telling me I had his love or something like that. We hooked up again....did a short distance relationship for a bit and then a long distance one. Then we decided to move in together (and maybe get married soon in the future) because I basically gave him another ultimatum. I said we were either going to be close together and have a "serious" relationship or he could take a hike. This time he jumped at it and wanted us to be together in every way. We talked all the time. The second phase of our relationship lasted about a year and a half. When I went to go move in with him, he and I had some fights (ex girlfriends and things like that...family issues, drinking). He seemed like he had changed but not in the ways I'd expected. He ended up breaking up with me and saying that he didn't love me.....basically blaming it on me because I had started so many fights with him. Then he took up with his floosy next door neighbor about six or seven days later. I don't know if they were seeing each other while I was having a long distance relationship with him (he and the new neighbor had known each other about a month). My ex ended up saying he was going to be with his neighbor.....but he didn't say it to me. He said it to a third party. I freaked out and took off and moved like 500 miles away....two days after I heard. I haven't spoken one word to my ex since the break up (about seven weeks ago). For all I know he could be crying his eyes out, missing me and he could be single. But my suspisions are that due to the proximity of this new girlfriend he's not going to be able to get away from her unless he moves. I asked him if he was going to date this neighbor when we broke up and he said he wasn't going to sh*t in his own backyard.......I didn't really know she had anything to do with the break up (I guess I still sort of don't, but doesn't it make it sooo much easier for him to move on.)

 

That's the whole sorted tale. It doesn't actually make a lot of sense really.

 

So no....I never bothered to ask for any "closure" with my ex. I know he's a bit of a coward and one day he'll probably call me and I can chew him out them. But hopefully I'll have moved on at that point. I sort of think my ex did me a favor because a). now he's with a new woman and not chasing after me anymore b.) he still has problems that I can't solve c). I don't really want to live where he's living right now d.) I kind of can't deal with his family (his parents have been married and divorced to a number of people---it get's old!!). And I wonder if my ex will be like that as a husband.

 

So........ I am trying to look at the pros and the cons at this point. But I will not stoop so low as to contact my ex or ask him why he did this to me. He did this to me because he's a crazy freak. That's all I need to know. I already told him off about it (in a few nasty e-mails).....that's all that I need to say. Why give him the opportunity to put me down a few more times??? I feel like I have the upper hand in a way because I blew out of there (the town) when we broke up and I haven't given him the time of day since. I think that feels better. I did have another relationship where I was searching for closure (because the guy kept saying maybe or let's just take a break), but I realized searching for that closure just impedes you from getting on with your life.

 

Yeah....my no good ex is probably going to call me again (it could be the year 2009, but it will probably happen). He'll come with his tail between his legs, but I am happy that I have this chance to better myself, look for ways to improve my situation in life, get therapy...whatever. Things happen for a reason. My ex will probably call me again because we've always had sort of an on and off relationship and sooner or later one of us calls. But it will never be me again. It isn't like I live in the same town as my ex and I am seeing him hang out with this new woman---NO. He just basically said he was going to hook up with her (he could have just been telling tall tales, though--who knows?). But enough said!!! That was about six weeks ago. Good riddance to him. He knows I am like that anyway. He knows I don't mess around with my words. I was out of there in a heartbeat. And have not looked back (well, I've looked but I haven't gone back).

 

It's funny because you never know how or if you could actually handle something until you're faced with that situation. In the beginning of this whole mess I thought I was going to keel over....now seven weeks later I am doing okay. So I think time helps people heal.

[XNemesisX]

Moon, thank you for your reply on that.

 

I want to say first of all GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!! I really wish I could be more like that and be strong and not put up with s*it. I guess after a while, it gets so damn old. Its like do they love me? do they not love me? It is so damn frustrating. I feel like at this point, and especially after reading your reply that when or if (and its probably more of a matter of when it will happen rather than if it will happen) the ex decides to come crawling back to me I'm going to be so sick and tired of his b.s. that I too will just tell him to take a hike this time around!

 

The fact that you feel much better already at 7 weeks is very encouraging to me. My breakup is very recent still and at this point I wonder if I will get over it (or heck if I even should - with how wishy washy my freak of an ex is!).. I too have wondered if one of the reasons my ex breaks up with me so frequently is because he has found someone else and then when it doesn't work out the way he wants it to, he goes back to me

 

You are probably right about the neighbor. And I'm sure once that falls through, he will call you up again. I wish guys could just make up their minds. It is such a roller coaster. I'm really getting sick of it.

 

I wonder if my ex has some girl already. I wonder this because yesterday he mentioned something from the movie "just married" I'm like oh when did you see that? He said "the other day" I asked him who he watched it with and he said "my cousin adam." HA yeah right.

 

Does it make you sick to think of him with another girl? Or does it not phase you anymore? Even though I want more than anything to be over him and have him out of my life really, I still can't stand the thought of him with someone else already. Kinda makes our relationship seem meaningless I guess? Idk maybe I am just being too jealous. Not much I can do about it anyhow. Ugh. Why does life have to be so complicated???

 

I am going to re-read your post whenever I feel that urge like I should take him back. I think you are handling this wonderfully and really that is what is going to eat at them in the end. They might think they can have us back again but they will be in for a rude awakening.

 

Oh and now that you mention it, there are a list of reasons why I shouldn't want my ex back either. a.) hes immature for his age can't communicate, throws babyish temper tantrums over anything and everything and walks out or breaks up and doesn't try to talk things out like a mature person b.) hes a liar c.) he only cares about himself, if it were possible for him to marry a mirror he would do so. oh and how you mentioned the family thing, my ex's biological father is a 45 year old politician play boy who still has never been married and drops each girlfriend he has for another. His real dad recently dumped his girlfriend of 7 years for a younger woman. So maybe there is a gene for him to be an a**hole. I don't think I would want to stick around to find out. All it seems he brings with him is pain. Honestly, I don't want anything to do with that anymore. I just have to remind myself of these reasons.

 

Now that I think about it, it just might be that my ex is more of a bad habit then anything. I'm used to having him around all the time, there to talk to, etc etc and maybe it is just the shock of him not being around that has got me all depressed and down in the dumps more than me sincerely wanting to be with him. I'm just going through withdrawal right now.

 

I am going to set my mind for being strong like you. You rock! So this is it, he can't make his mind on whether or not he should stay broken up with me then I will make the decision for him - IT IS OVER FOREVER. Don't need his freak loser of a self anyway! ***** closure. I will never ask him for closure again, I do not want to seem like a desperate fool anymore. Let these freak exes of ours go torment some other girls. I don't think we really lost anything at all. I can't wait until my ex decides he wants me back and I will just laugh at him and say sorry "but I don't love you anymore." That famous line he likes to pull on me. Heh, karma is a b*tch.