Jealous sister driving me mad!

[nini]

Hi all,

 

It's been a while since I posted on here (back than I was having a lot of different issues with my ex). Since I last posted, I've got engaged to an amazing guy and have moved to Toronto (the wedding is next year).

 

I've been going through a rough time with my elder sister. I don't know what it is, but I (and my fiance) think that it is jealousy. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I don't really understand why she always has snide remarks to make about me.

 

I know that she has a life, but even at my engagement party, her husband and her were 2 hours late, really upset that they had got the address wrong and had to pay $80 for the cab ride and her husband spent the evening watching basketball (Note: this was just a private dinner for my family and my fiance's family).

 

Yesterday, we came to blows over email and were really abusive to each other (she started it by calling me names). My younger sister was copied into the email (who has been living with my elder sister for the past 5 years) and she was quite abusive towards me too.

 

I'm not trying to make myself sound good, I was equally nasty back when my elder sister was abusive, but it was more of a reaction to her attacks.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore, a part of me wants to just cut them off so I can eliminate all this negative energy. I am finally happy (after a really rocky relationship) and instead of being happy for me, I feel they resent me for it (just based on all the snide remarks e.g. my elder sister told me that the reason my fiance treats me well is because he is ugly and I am pretty, that was so hurtful on so many different levels because a) she called my fiance ugly b) she basically said I have nothing to offer apart from my looks)

 

I just don't know what to do - I wish we could have a relationship but tbh, our whole childhood was rocky (she used to physically and mentally abuse me if I ever stepped out of line, I wasn't allowed to talk to her friends, if her friends came home then i'd have to be locked up in one room etc.)

 

Anyone can help? Feel quite frustrated but also helpless.

[Radu]

Maybe she thinks you don't deserve 'happy' ?

 

You could go NC with her and ask your other sister to stop telling you what she says/does about you.

 

PS: This sister is married with 2 kids and lives with your other sister ?

In who's home ?

[nini]

Maybe she thinks you don't deserve 'happy' ?

 

You could go NC with her and ask your other sister to stop telling you what she says/does about you.

 

PS: This sister is married with 2 kids and lives with your other sister ?

In who's home ?

 

 

Hi Radu

 

Thanks for replying.

 

So basically, my elder sister N is 32 years old (she is married to A), my younger sister F is 23 years old (not married). They (N, A & F) all live together. They started living together when F started university in Toronto at the age of 18 and since my family is in Africa, I was in England at that time, N provided accommodation for F so that campus accommodation costs could be avoided.

 

I have always lived away from them, in England and only moved to Toronto a month ago. The last time I was here was in June 2013 and sparks flew then as well - mainly due to the fact that I earn more than her so she expected me to foot the bill when we (as a family including A & F, and also my parents and younger brother who were only visiting). More than once she made the remark that '...she earns more, let her pay for it'

 

She always mooches off my parents by complaining how she never has any money (but has managed to see her husband through law school and pay off her mortgage in 6 years. My dad had helped initially with a 30% deposit).

 

Anyways, the bigger problem is that everyone sees her as a victim because her in-laws don't really like her, she is always complaining about financial stress etc. etc.

 

I think that maybe going NC is best. But I think it will impact my relationship with my younger sister (who though is a selfish prat, I do love her coz she is my younger sister) and also my mum (who is always on my elder sisters side because again it is always poor N, life has been hard for it...it's ok if she makes hurtful comments, she doesn't mean it etc. mentality)

[Radu]

Heh, i don't think it's much of a surprise that her in-laws don't like her.

 

The situation reminds me of that in my own family, 2 brothers that are middle-aged and the comments made by their dad [highly abusive individual, as is his wife, their mother].

One is well off through hard work, the other [younger], tried to do some illegal stuff in the other's business place and did time on another matter.

The one who is well off heard his parents comment 'well, he doesn't need anything from us, but poor X does'.

He didn't want anything anyway, but the thought of being passed on by his own parents is not exactly awesome.

 

Not sure what i can tell you about them, except to desensitize yourself to their bull****.

Stop giving a damn, renounce any relationship with them [prepare yourself for it i mean], so that you go into any interaction with them with no expectations at all.

I don't think anything will change, they sure as hell won't alter these comments.

 

If you think this is bad, think about it this way.

Your family sounds clanish a little, very tight.

She uses this even when she doesn't need it because she sees her own personal interest [her own family with her husband and money] above all else, even above her own blood family.

[coolheadal]

Your older sister intent to make you feel worst now then ever. Your intent is not to have this negative sister ruin your wedding plans. Best thing to do in this situation is not have your older involved. That's right keep her out of your wedding plans. Why would you want this verbal abuse which is very negative in a positive time of your life.

 

She's already married either she figures she can continue to take pot shots at you and why are you allowing this to continue. STOP this nonsense and take charge of your life. This is an important time of your life. Remember this. The only family that should be at your wedding is those the care and respect you for who you are not the other way around.

 

Stop and think and wake-up and see what's she's doing too you. Tell her flat out " IF YOU CONTINUE TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS YOUR NOT INVITED TO MY WEDDING PERIOD!"

 

I know this might sound harsh but you have to take action on this. Sister or not she's knows what she's doing and really doesn't care about you.

[nini]

Radu and Coolheadal, you are both so right...and it does bug me a lot that basically my parents feel that they shouldn't be fair to me (e.g. no help with paying the deposit on my mortgage because I can afford it - they don't realise that I've had to work really really hard to get to this point). I feel that they should try and treat their kids fairly...not based on who screams the loudest.

 

Yes, I guess my problem is that I have expectations, of what sisters should be like, what a family should be like and I have to square myself with not having these expectations...it's just really hard when I try and speak up and tell them how I feel like I'm being treated unfairly (e.g. no financial help or even offer to help which would make me feel good) and being disrespected (all these comments re my fiance etc.).

 

It's funny that my own family can act this way...having a good job and having money doesn't mean that I don't have feelings...that I don't hurt when potshots are taken at my fiance or me...

 

Any tips on how I can refocus on myself and my fiance and our lives and get my focus off from what my mum / sisters etc do (either in their life or to me), basically I want to just focus on myself and develop as a person...I have just started my job in Toronto and really need to focus to build a good reputation. I have always been a hard worker and really loved my job and all this drama is impacting it.

 

I was also planning on maybe getting a couple of books to read which help me refocus on myself and learn how to not take all this to heart - any suggestions?

[coolheadal]

Screaming the loudness sounded like my mid sister was like that. But in all she was still a good sister to me. Somehow Sisters can change or get jealous. Your parents should help you out? Most can't because of they don't think they should or don't know any better. Depends on how they were when they were growing up. Sometimes you need to just move on get away from them all. Too much negativity can lead to , heath, mental, physical and prosperity issues.

 

I don't know what you do for a living, but you should consult with your BOSS and see if the company has any advancement in higher learning skill courses you can take. Thus completing those extra skills can lead you to advancement in your present position. Higher title, higher pay an etc. Look into that first.

 

Stay at your current job if your work in office building and in a cube or etc. Times are tough enough to hold on to a good paying job. If you have intent which is (staying focus on on better position) thinking positive that you will get his done and completed. This will have to be set in you place in your mind-set.

 

I don't know if your into mediation which does help you. Clear the mind of all negative thoughts, listen to some mediation music with bell tones every 3 minutes. This will relax you. Youtube has mediation music. Use head phones is your still living at home with the folks this would drown out the background noises. Find a quiet place you call your own. Close the door if you have to an lock it! You got to be in your own space away from everyone. Beach or park can also do this. But still a quiet place is better. Do this every day if you can.

 

As for reading there are books on advancing your career goals also, I read with tablet today I don't hold a hard cover book anymore. Amazon Kindle books in kindle form are much cheaper than you think. Download them and read right away.

 

I wish you the best luck in positive success in your new prosperity goals. Take care of yourself!

Edited October 3, 2013 by coolheadal