perfect relationship... just ruined. hurt and angry.

[hmph.]

hey. I've posted here before and have an account but want to remain anonomous now.

 

I have been with my bf for 1 yr and 8 months. We have a had a perfect relationship, everything has been perfect down to even the date we started going out on. We've never argued and we love one another so much. there have been a few ups n downs but nothing major.

 

We have gone to every party together until friday when i couldn't make it.

 

He cheated on me.

 

I have always sworn to myself that if anyone ever cheats on me i will leave them, even if i do love them. i know i don't deserve that.

 

I am so hurt and lost, he's my world, as i am his and we love one another so so much.

 

Well i thought i was his world. I thought he loved me. I don't really know what i think at the moment.

 

yes he was very very drunk. but thats no excuse. he didn't even remember til someone phoned his on sunday and told him. but even when ur drunk you have some control and know what you are doing.

 

It was only a kiss. but he kissed her rather than her kissing him. he leant down and kissed her properly on the mouth and all... don't even want to think about the details.

 

He called me straight away as soon as he found out, he was sobbing, he was so sorry and so upset that he might lose me. i felt sorry for him and said its ok and i love him. but now i'm hurt and angry and bitter.

 

Now i don't know what to do. I should leave him. Morally. i can do better. he doesn't love me enough to stop before pulling some girl.

 

If i don't leave him this will gradually grind us down, i trusted him completely. What is a relationship without trust? Already i have become paranoid - the girl phoned him yesturday and apologised for the problems it caused. So they have one another's numbers. Earlier he said that 'everytime he receives a text he is worried what i'll say' i only text him once. so who else is texting him??? see? i'm already paranoid about it and i doubt anything is going on.

 

I could do without this. Also he said hes 'confused'. about what exactly??? what is there to be confused about - he cheated on me, i'm hurt and angry. pretty straightforward. so why is he 'confused'. i don't understand.

 

I know i should leave him. I can't tho. he is my world. we have so much. i don't know what i'd do without him. what if this is all just a big mistake and he's 'the one' and i shouldn't leave him? If i don't will he do it again?

 

Because i love him i feel that i should prove my love and remain 'strong' and get over this cos nothing should stop our love.

 

I would be an idiot to stay with him tho.

 

ArGh!! Basically i needed to vent. I'm not really looking for an answer to 'do i stay with him' because i'm the only one who can truly answer that. But an insight would be good. Also i just need to feel normal and find someone that knows what i feel and whos been here before. Maybe someone who is going thru this now?

 

Any reply would be - empathy or advice- or just generally being 'argh boys' would be good.

 

Thanks, pp x

[Cecelius]

How old are you and he?

[Mary3]

Well did they have sex or share a kiss ?

 

I know I know....its all considered cheating....of the heart.....but then again he was drunk ( I know no excuse ) but he did something he might have wanted to do sober and could not get the courage ( kiss her ) and the alcohol removed that inhibition.

 

Should you forgive him ? ABsolutely ! MOve on if he is truly repentant....Be Happy with Him ! IT sounds like he deeply regrets that wet sloppy kiss they shared...

[RC77]

To leave a boyfriend of 1 year and 8 months for a drunken kiss sounds a little harsh...

[heckno]

Originally posted by RC77

To leave a boyfriend of 1 year and 8 months for a drunken kiss sounds a little harsh...

 

I don't know about that, I think it's perfectly acceptable to leave. Someone did say maybe the liquor allowed him to do what he wanted to sober, but didn't have the nerve. What about next time, if it's more than a kiss? I'm not trying to sound cynical here, but there is that possibilty if the guy can't control himself or remember a darn thing.

 

If this guy drinks a lot (or even just once a while), and can't control himself when he does, to the point that he DOES NOT remember, who on earth would want to be with someone like that? If you can't take control of your actions and remember what you're doing, you're a danger to yourself and the person you're with on many levels.

 

I'd be more concerned about the drinking and mental capacity in the end, cause if that's the "excuse", the "being too drunk", he'll use it everytime to get away with what he's done.

 

 

Red Flag, red flag. Can't say it enough.

[Tourniquette]

I would say spend time apart. After reading some of the other stories here, it seems to me like this is a red flag/precursor/sign of impending doom, but you never know. If he called you mere seconds after remembering I wouldn't dump him, but I'd be very, very cautious before moving forward.

[mjm]

he came to you and knew he was wrong, i also have the same policy if a girl ever cheated on me i would leave them. spend some time apart then decide don;t make any hasty decsions

[hmph.]

we are 16 and 17, so young and un experienced in relationships - thats why i needed some advice.

 

I spoke to him last night and told him pretty much everything i've written. I'm not seeing him for another 4 days anyway so i have some time to clear my mind.

 

So far i've come to the conclusion that it would be a shame to end such a good relationship, he agrees tho that he did know what he was doing and that it could be because he's unhappy anyway.

 

If i stay with him and he does it again tho i'm an idiot.

 

I agree with you that it was 'just a kiss' and that we should get over it. i also agree that he can't control his drinking, he is 16 so isn't legal anyway. he doesn't drink often at all, only at parties which are about every other month or so. but he gets completely out of it. i don't drink and disagree with it but i don't make a fuss cos he is his own person and i don't wish to control him.

 

this situation brings to mind the 'men- you can't live with them, you can't live without them'. Which is so true right now.

 

Anyhoo, pls keep giving advice as this is my first relationship and we are both a bit naive,

 

thank you love ppx

[hmph.]

I have spoken to him again.

 

I put forward the idea of working it out, as i really can't face leaving him... yes i know red flag. i know.i actually don't reckon its going to work, i know its still early days but even when talking to him normally i aim my anger at him. I started on about alcohol and he said something liken 'ur never gonna leave it are you' i was like erm. well no actually.

 

i'm seeing him this weekend and he says hes gonna tell me absolutely everything hes ever felt or thought. I appreciate how sorry he is, i appreciate that he is trying to put everything right but i can't just forget it! I can't just forgive him and move on. I don't know how this is going to work.

 

we have so much to talk about.

 

pls keep replying you guys have already helped me a load

 

love ppx

[heckno]

But i'm going to be blunt. You are too young to be caught up with a boy who gets drunk. I don't care if he only does once in a while, he gets too trashed and loses control. Look, that's not even acceptable for an adult that wants a healthy lifestyle.

 

You're going to do what you wish, but i wish it were with a boy who didn't use drugs on a semi frequent basis. Yes, alcohol is a drug, it's just one that the govt decides to make legal.

 

Hanging out with a boy like this can get YOU in a lot of trouble, and lead to more of these incidents happening. This isn't a healthy relationship by any means. His reactions about his drinking are another indication he might be on a downward spiral as he gets older.

[hmph.]

heckno i think that was a bit harsh. you don't actually know him.

 

This is the only thing hes ever done wrong

 

the only time hes ever gotten this drunk

 

he has had alcohol before - as most people my age have - and has been sensible.

 

It is the normal thing for people my age to do where i come from - sad but true.

 

He is not the scum you make him out to - well i mean he is cos he cheated on me - but otherwise hes fine.

 

i know i shouldn't be standing up for him.

 

i'm still considering ending this.

 

i just wanted to put that right.

 

ppx

[heckno1234]

I never said he was scum. What he does and did could be somewhat construed as being classless.

 

it's harsh to you because it's hard hearing the truth about things, especially when you care for someone. I don't believe in sugar coating things, life is too short. I feel for what you're going through and wish you the best to get away from it.

 

If you're only here to hear what you want, then you really don't want any advice other than what you think is fitting for you and him in the long run. You're both too young to put up with this crap. And, why is it,.. if it's such a normal thing to get drunk "where you're from", then why do you protest HIM doing it? Sounds like you're making up excuses. you said "i don't drink and disagree with it", but it's OK for him to do it because you want to find a reason to stay with him.

 

Did you ever think about being with someone who has the same mindset about things? Look, I knew a guy who was a heroine addict, and man, he was so awesome, he was a great friend. good people do bad things. Unfortunately, when they start doing their "stuff", they end up hurting people around them, and themselves. Stealing, lying, cheating, trust issues of all sorts.

 

This issue is more than a kiss. But like i said, you're only here to hear what you want, like most people come here, get good advice and then get upset with the person that gave it to them because they're not ready for it.

I've seen it happen for years.

[heckno1234]

After re-reading your posts.. i noticed a couple of things. In your last post DEFENDING him, you stated

"the only time hes ever gotten this drunk

 

he has had alcohol before - as most people my age have - and has been sensible. "

 

But before that, you said :

 

"" I started on about alcohol and he said something liken 'ur never gonna leave it are you' i was like erm" Why would you start on about alcohol if he's super sensible about it?.... and then in the post before that ..

 

"i also agree that he can't control his drinking, he is 16 so isn't legal anyway. he doesn't drink often at all, only at parties which are about every other month or so. but he gets completely out of it."

 

So, it's the only time, or he gets drunk and gets completely out of it?? And please don't get upset, just don't make excuses for people. Yes, men, you cant live with them or without them..so you better make sure you pick a good one.

[hmph.]

Thank you heckno. you are so right and i know that - yes it was just hard hearing that about someone i care about. but all the same... ur right.

 

I feel i should clear up the confusion from ur last post - he had been drunk before. never as drunk as this last time tho. the times before he has been sensible. i disagree with drinking personally. but he can drink and i don't want to change him. But i 'went on about drinking' meaning that i had a go about last friday.

 

i hope that cleared sorry for being confusing. my head is mixed up.

 

So far i get the general idea that i should leave him from you guys and most of my friends. but i know that its my decission (sp?) i just don't know what to do.

 

I know i should leave him.

 

But surely i shouldn't let one kiss ruin my 20 month relationship?

 

ppx

[sweetpea01]

If it happened once, I'd be scared about it happeneing again. I'm 24, and I've had a few drinks too many a couple times in college - and have never accidentally kissed someone. I've danced with guys, but we never let it get to the kissing point when I was not single....so I have a hard time buying the "I was just tooooo drunk" thing. It's not like you can't control what the hell you are doing, you just have an easier time doing it.

 

Think about the relationship and if everything is truly as perfect as you say. If it is, great! Try to work it out and move past it. But if you can think back to some other times that you can question, then maybe this just brought something out into the open.

 

 

Sweetpea

[hmph.]

Thank you sweetpea! You have helped a whole load. I've never been that drunk b4 so i don't know what its like so you have given me a valuable insight.

 

Also... as for the perfectness... i think its perfect in the way that every detail is like what everyone wants in a relationship, his parents think i'm wonderful and are always like 'oh you two will get married' and our friends always reckoned we'd be together for ever.

 

So in a shallow way the relationship has been perfect.

 

I kinda do want to leave him. but it still seems a petty incident to be breaking up for... don't you think?

 

If i break up with him will it look like i never loved him? because i do love him. But i think this will gradually ruin 'us'.

 

thanks again,

ppx

[Grapevine]

Let me first say this: NO relationship is perfect. People who knew Scott and Laci Peterson said the same thing about them, and look at what happened. So don't act like your relationship is something so special that it can't hit road bumps. Now, you say this is the first party you haven't gone to with him, and he kissed someone else? That would irritate me and wonder if I could ever leave him alone again. However, I think leaving him over a kiss is a somewhat hasty reaction. Get some counseling, see if there's anything going on, and then make your decision.

[heckno]

Originally posted by Grapevine

Let me first say this: NO relationship is perfect. People who knew Scott and Laci Peterson said the same thing about them, and look at what happened. So don't act like your relationship is something so special that it can't hit road bumps. Now, you say this is the first party you haven't gone to with him, and he kissed someone else? That would irritate me and wonder if I could ever leave him alone again. However, I think leaving him over a kiss is a somewhat hasty reaction. Get some counseling, see if there's anything going on, and then make your decision.

 

They're like, 16 and 17 grapevine. Counseling?