Why were YOU humiliated?

[ForeverTainted]

As a betrayed spouse, why did you feel humiliated by your cheating spouse's actions? It doesn't make logical sense to me so it must be an emotional response. After all, we are the ones who lied and behaved sleazy. I can see why someone may struggle with it after a second D-Day when they had given their cheating spouse a second chance but I don't think the betrayed spouse should feel it. I am not talking about a passing feeling of shame or even a slight one. But rather the people who seem to be overwhelmed and crippled by it.

 

Cheating signs can always have another explanation that doesn't involve your spouse behaving in such a horrible way. So not knowing isn't a reason to be humiliated.

 

Your spouse isn't your child so it isn't a reflection on your parenting. They are an adult who makes their own decisions with or without you. And to be humiliated because "you chose them" also isn't necessary because people change all the time and do things they never thought they would do.

 

Everyone constantly says on here they struggled with thinking the problem was with them and that is why the spouse stepped out but then go on to say the cheating is 100% the spouse's bad behavior. Which means that one should not let themselves be humiliated by their cheating spouse's actions.

 

I think sometimes it comes back to pride. But not a good self esteem pride but a caring what other people think about you. If you find confidence in yourself without your identity being wrapped up in what others think of you then there is no reason to feel humiliated.

 

I am interested in knowing exactly why you felt humiliated and if you still are or moved past it.

 

My husband says it stung that I had a sex with another man. And he questioned himself. But he knew I was always satisfied and never complained. He had no problem telling a few of his friends about what I did. We did not broadcast my affair because he decided to stay with me and thought that would just cause extra drama. But he told me he has no problem telling people I cheated.

[katielee]

I bet there are people here who are humiliated even though they haven't told a soul. If your spouse engages in a romantic relationship with someone else there is no way you can NOT feel rejected, abandoned, humiliated, the list goes on.

Basically, for a period of time, the wayward spouse chose another person. If that person knew about you but you didn't know about them, wow.... it just really hurts that the person who is supposed to have your back didn't. And it all comes back to not feeling worthy. Logistically, we know it's the wayward's problem yet still, we weren't thought worthy enough to be told the truth. It would actually be more honorable to divorce us first. But that didn't happen.

The relationship one has with their spouse is one that forges some identity in both parties. If one spouse is having an affair, the identity is destroyed. The BS is left grasping at.... nothing. That is humiliating.

 

Sure, the choice is on the wayward. But the BS gets the shrapnel.

[2sure]

I felt stupid and betrayed by someone I trusted. I felt stupid for believing him. Had everyone known, I would have felt the same.

[underwater2010]

I was humiliated because I practiced what I thought was being a good wife and mother. I worked my ass off trying to make up for lack of funds. Cooked great meals. Slept very little to make sure I was at every event. Never denied him sex. I was being everything to my whole family.

 

In return I got a smack across the face with his EA. Who wouldn't be humiliated?

[ForeverTainted]

I was humiliated because I practiced what I thought was being a good wife and mother. I worked my ass off trying to make up for lack of funds. Cooked great meals. Slept very little to make sure I was at every event. Never denied him sex. I was being everything to my whole family.

 

In return I got a smack across the face with his EA. Who wouldn't be humiliated?

 

You should never be humiliated for doing what is right and good. He should be humiliated for being so selfish.

[Owl]

I never felt humiliated. I felt foolish for taking so long to 'catch on' and to take action...but I never felt humiliated on my own side.

 

I did nothing wrong. The failure was on her...and the 'humiliation' was hers for her choices and actions. None of that was a reflection of me.

[Betterthanthis13]

I felt humiliated for being tricked. As if he was just humoring me with the whole love/relationship thing.

 

Imagine you have a best friend, who you confide in and tell everything to, and do things with all the time, and you trust. Then you learn one day that your friend really does not like you at all, but has been talking about you behind your back and thinks you are an idiot. You would want to know WHY your friend went to all the trouble of putting on the facade of a friendship with you and make you feel like she liked you all along, when it was simply not true. It would most likely make you angry she did that, but can you also see how it would be a bit humiliating?

[underwater2010]

You should never be humiliated for doing what is right and good. He should be humiliated for being so selfish.

I totally agree but I was humiliated. Then the tables turned. FWH and his MOW were humiliated by their exposure.

 

Now things are better.

[Jonah]

Quite foolishly in denial, I let the affair go on right in front of my face. It's horrible to remember how silly I was and how far everything had to go before I was actually forced to face the reality of it all. That is true humiliation there.

 

DDay and the days immediately following, I acted irrationally, making a fool out of myself.

 

But a couple of weeks after dday, the 180 occurred and I can look back on that and feel pretty good of how that all went down. It was nice to have her suddenly want me again. So sad that it had to go down like that... that the relationship had to be ruined before eyes were opened as to what was really going on.

[yellowmaverick]

Everyone constantly says on here they struggled with thinking the problem was with them and that is why the spouse stepped out

 

Nope. Not everyone. I have never felt humiliated or struggled with thinking that his betrayal was somehow my fault or something that I could have prevented.

 

I have felt the extreme hurt and sadness that comes from being betrayed by my life partner. I continue to feel the hurt and sadness of knowing that I will never trust him and will never love him as much as I did before the affair. I feel the sadness of knowing that I do not want to continue my life with him. I feel sad and anxious over the realization that I will never be the same. But I do not feel humiliated.

 

And BTW, my H did not "step out" - he had sex with another woman just because he felt like it. Just because he could. I don't mince my words - I call a spade, a spade.

[Betterthanthis13]

I kind of want to re-answer this question.

 

I am not and was not humiliated by my ex's choices. I am humiliated by my choice to pick someone as a partner, and trust him, who was capable of making the choices he made.

[TigerCub]

I have never been a BS or anything but I just wanted to say - when my ex and I broke up, and a major issue was his pron addiction - I felt a little embarrassed to admit it. I felt bad telling my sister about it.

 

It's not the same as physically cheating with someone, but I actually felt like something was wrong with me - or, rather I should say, that whole fiasco was starting to make me feel bad about myself, like I'm not good enough - so I left.

 

But the point is, if having a partner turn to porn instead of real intimacy with me made me feel so bad, I can only imagine that having a partner turn to SOMEONE ELSE would make some people feel so infinitely worse.

 

Rejection hurts and feeling like you weren't good enough to meet your partner's need would make a lot of people feel terrible - not humiliated necessarily, but feel all kinds of inadequate or bad. Even if at the end of the day it could have had nothing to do with them really.

Edited October 1, 2013 by TigerCub

[yellowmaverick]

I kind of want to re-answer this question.

 

I am not and was not humiliated by my ex's choices. I am humiliated by my choice to pick someone as a partner, and trust him, who was capable of making the choices he made.

 

Maybe not so much humiliated as frustrated with what you perceive as an inability to discern a major character flaw? Right after d-day, I felt duped, like I should have known he had it in him to do something so deceitful and selfish.

[dichotomy]

Delted, too difficult.

Edited October 1, 2013 by dichotomy

[drifter777]

For me the shame and humiliation I felt were for multiple reasons. First, I was ashamed to realize that I was the kind of man who's wife would think so little of him that she would screw some random guys. Next, my pride was severely wounded - I mean who wants to be married to a slut? Finally, the fact that when she decided she wanted me back I was too weak to walk away and divorce her.

 

We're all different so there is no right or wrong when it comes to how we feel. OP is a WW so can only guess how a BW or BH feels. I understand that she wants some insight into a BS's feelings and thinking, but she can't know how she would feel until it happens to her.

[doubled]

I WAS a bs. I was humiliated and didn't want anyone to know. I was betrayed by my WH and the MOW who was supposed to be my friend. Our kids were friends. She would sit at my table and have coffee with me and when I would leave the room her and my WH would feel each other up. Disgusting!!!!! They would sext each other with me in the room. I was betrayed by the man (pig) I married and my friend (whore). So yeah I was humiliated that this went on in my house and I was stupidly so trusting. It's been almost 4 years since dday and now I don't care who knows. I tell everyone. The kids don't know yet but I'm sure they will one day. The truth always comes out.

[Betterthanthis13]

Maybe not so much humiliated as frustrated with what you perceive as an inability to discern a major character flaw? Right after d-day, I felt duped, like I should have known he had it in him to do something so deceitful and selfish.

 

Yes, frustrated is a good word as well.

 

I went and looked up the definition though, and I would say I definitely felt foolish because my self respect was injured.... I felt like an idiot for awhile. Not so much anymore, but at first I was really embarrassed that any of it was happening. So that seems to fit the definition of humiliated as well.... Perhaps I would benefit from having less pride, or taking myself too seriously, I might not have wallowed in feelings of shame and humiliation and could have taken action sooner to get my life back on track. Definitely something to think about for the future.

 

 

 

hu·mil·i·ate

(h)yo͞oˈmilēˌāt/

verb

past tense: humiliated; past participle: humiliated

1. make (someone) feel ashamed and foolish by injuring their dignity and self-respect, esp. publicly.

synonyms: embarrass, mortify, humble, shame, put to shame, disgrace, chagrin;

[crederer]

Well I wasn't married but a 5 year relationship where she cheated. I felt humiliated and embarassed (I didn't even tell anyone until months after we broke up) because I felt she was a reflection of me. She was the woman I chose to be with and treat so well and in return that's what I got. I felt like a total failure. As if I was incapable of making a good decision about anything, after that.

 

It's embarassing for friends and family to recognize my girl wanted to get boned by some other guy. Almost as though I was less than him. It's demasculating and I felt like keeping it secret would keep my pride in tact.

 

I eventually let it out once she tried so hard to get back with me and people were like "give her another go". No, she messed around a bunch of times and is not worthy of another chance.

Edited October 1, 2013 by crederer

[2sure]

There is also some amount of humiliation as a BS when during the affair, you thought you were happily married. That's a very foolish feeling.

[Spark1111]

I felt humiliated that I did not sense my H's emotional distancing could even be an affair!

 

In a million years, I NEVER thought ONCE there could be another woman. I, and our children, chalked it up to job stress from the new high-powered position we knew knew he needed to prove himself at.

 

he fooled the four people on the planet that loved him the most. Ahhh, LOVE IS Blind.

 

Former investigative reporter here: My identity, observations, gifts of observance are are tied up in this.

 

I did not fathom, intuit, guesstimate an affair.

 

It turned my reality and all I pride myself on, on it's ear. The universe began to spin for me.

[Zenstudent]

FT, I think it's a good question to ask. Rationally I know that I have no reason to feel humiliated, but yet I do. I have thought a great deal about why I have this feeling, and I really don't like the answers, but here they are.

 

I normally think of myself as a fairly intelligent person, and to be fooled right under my nose for 9 months just like that, is a serious crack in my self image. I raised it in therapy last year and my psychologist asked me why I believed that I SHOULD have known - there is nothing as easy as deceiving people who trust you with their lives, and I trusted her with my life. So, I've come to accept this fact and are able to let it go, but I have to remind myself from time to time.

 

Second; the feeling of having someone close to you, talk about you and laugh at you behind your back, demean you, pitty you, and you don't have a clue. Further; one of her best friends knew about it and supported her. I spend time with her and her husband (he didn't know at the time), having a good time while she knew what was going on.

I guess some of the laughing and joking is in my imagination only, but it feels real and therefore humiliating. I don't think I hate this girlfriend today, but it's definitely not warm feelings I have for her.

 

Third; having someone decide on your behalf, that you live in an open marriage, and your the only one who doesn't know. It's demeaning and humiliating since I'm perfectly caple of thinking and deciding for myself.

 

Fourth; OM was a friend of our house and my wife suggested that we invited him for dinner at a time when his wife were travelling. Just to support his efforts to make ends meet with work, kids, chores etc. So I cooked him a meal while he sat in our kitchen, chatting, asking about my work and work hours etc. I feel humiliated just to think about it as I write about it now.

 

It's 2½ years since D-day, and I still work on these thoughts from time to time. I know they are irrational and rooted in a lack of self esteem and self worth, so this is where I concentrate on improving - hence my nickname.

 

I also believe that WS has lots of reasons to feel humiliated, but that wasn't your question.

 

Not everyone feels the same about these issues, but I hope it provided some insight.

[James-London]

I think I did feel humiliated initially. I know my ex-GF told the OM about me. I have wondered if it turned him on to know that he got to have another man's girl. Guys are territorial in that way. It was a big blow to my self-esteem and I remember looking in the mirror wondering if I was ugly in the first few weeks. I remember thinking about what was wrong with me/my life that made me unlovable or unattractive.

 

But that quickly wore off. This is something that happened TO ME. Looking back there were warning signs but I don't beat myself up about it because I had never had to go through all this before so I didn't recognise what it was. When the signs became increasingly obvious from mid-July, I resolved to check her emails and had my D-day on 10 August. So I don't feel stupid for not reacting sooner. And I never really met the guy so its not like they were carrying on in front of me. Also, me and the OM are very different types of people with different interests. I think this OM was always more compatible with her than me. That is fine for me because I found the lack of compatibility with my ex difficult to deal with too.

 

The thing that I really do feel like a knife in the gut is the feeling of betrayal at having lost someone I trusted and loved. I loved her despite the fact that we had so little in common. It is the shock of learning that you were not as important to her as she made you believe and as she was to me. That is the betrayal part.

 

In addition to betrayal, there is also loss and then anger/jealousy. The loss is the feeling that the relationship has been destroyed and can never be fixed so you have to say goodbye to her, even though your heart is crying out for her (and she was even asking for me back!). I fantasised about doing the same olkes or using the same intimate names or taking her on exciting dates I knew she would enjoy. But I knew all of that was over now and I had to say goodbye.

 

Earlier this week, I stumbled into an arty café that just opened near my house. This is the exactly the sort of thing she would like and my first thought was to imagine having a coffee with her there. But then I realised that she would be sitting there wondering how soon she could invite the OM to this wonderful new place that I had found for her.... I just wanted to share that with you all....

 

The final bit is anger and jealously. This is the only bit that involves the OM. It made me sick to think of the OM with his hands all over her and that she was enjoying it and encouraging it. The mind movies of them giving each other orgasms or watching a movie in bed whilst in each others' arms. Guys are very territorial and it is a really big deal for her to be physically intimate, even without any emotional aspect. I do not know if/how similar women are in this regard?

 

Out of everything in the above list: humiliation, betrayal, loss and anger/jealously, the one I am still struggling with the most is the betrayal. If I knew why the person I thought loved me would stab me in the back, it would really help. But she has gone NC because she is basically too much of a coward to explain herself.

Edited October 2, 2013 by James-London
corrections.

[waterwoman]

forever, you are quite right logically speaking, that the one who cheated should be the one who feels humiliated. Of course. But there are several factors that make the BS feel pretty damned small.

 

1. Feeling foolish and naive. How gullible do you have to be to trust someone so implicitly that you don't realise when they are having an affair? It made me feel stupid for trusting anyone - if I can't trust H that I have known and loved for 30 years, who can i? Added to that the fact that when you find out, or suspect, that others knew about the affair you feel doubly stupid and humiliated.

2. You only have to read a few threads on here from some people on LS who beleive a BS causes or contributes to the affair in some way to realise there is a whole sea of humiliation waiting for us to plunge into! Because of course we caused the betrayal, we must have done something wrong, we weren't good enough, we did things wrong. ITS ALL OUR FAULT. Even when, in our rational moments, we deny that we were to blame, there are still times when that suspicision stings.

3. I am 48, H is 51. OW was 25. She was younger, slimmer, less-lined and generally battered by time! It's a humiliating comparison.

[NotCamelot]

To the woman who asked the question, you've humiliated your husband on a very primal level. A man's wife is his pride and you belonged to him, he belonged to you. We are human animals and males are hard-wired to protect their mates as well as keep them away from sexual intruders. Being cheated on is a serious blow to the ego, the heart and the soul. But it's the ego that is screaming "I'm not good enough" and you've assaulted his manhood. Another man took you, put his penis inside of you, came inside of you (?). In your husband's head, all of that belongs to him and no one else. It makes him want to vomit. It's emasculating and embarrassing for him, even if not everyone knows. But he won't look at himself the same way again and suspects that other people do not either, even if those others may have been cheated on themselves. You replaced him sexually and emotionally and took a hammer to the bond of trust between the two of you. Without trust and respect, there's not much to a marriage.

 

 

 

This is exactly the problem, at least for me. I told my W: a man's wife and her sexuality is his most highly prized and treasured "possession". (Not that he owns her.) Her sexuality is the one and only thing that is not shared with anyone. And for anyone to touch that is the most devastating thing imagineable. It is worse than any disaster than can come his way.

 

I told no one except our 18 yr old daughter and my 75 yr old mother (I needed someone to talk to.). I could not bear to think of anyone else knowing that my W would actively choose another man over me - another man's penis instead of mine - his lips instead of mine - his arms around her instead of mine - his "life" instead of mine.......especially after 21 years together.

 

Not to suffer humiliation from your spouse's infidelity would, to me, indicate that you did not love your spouse.

 

Humiliated........that word does not come close to how I really felt.

[harrybrown]

It hurt my self-esteem. She chose someone else, he must have been better than me in some way. I am her backup plan.

 

The lies, cheating, felt like a stab in the back from someone who was supposed to be my partner.

 

I wanted to die. Was anything in our marriage not a lie?

 

Of course, now I know that she traded way down, and that is confusing. Something must be wrong. I know now that she was wrong, she is selfish.

 

I do hope you got tested for stds, and your husband also. Not a nice surprise.

 

 

How would you feel if your husband chose someone over you, did things with the OW that he would not do for you? He spent money, time, his energy and emotions with another woman and ripped your heart out?