dichotomy Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I intially could not post a detailed answer to OP, because it was like revealing specifics of what humilated me - being humilated all over again by saying what it was. So let me say it generically, things were shared, said, about me that were deeply private and personal. It is humilating to me to have some scubmag OM or others, kowing things about me that should only be known to my soul mate. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Ironically, the relationships that had cheating involved have been the easiest breakups for me in the long term. Granted, never been married nor do I have kids..... Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I was humiliated because this had happened to me before. Humiliated because I was lied to about the truth of the A Humiliated because they both spoke badly about me Humiliated when the MOW rubbed it in my face and insulted me over and over again. Humiliated because I believed my WH wanted to R the first time Humiliated because I tried to commit suicide over this Humiliated because my WH told MOW that I tried to commit suicide Humiliated because MOW tells me my WH is staying with me because he is afraid I will commit suicide Humiliated that our daughter knows who the MOW is and that daddy cheated on mommy with her. Humiliated that no one around me was surprised by his A. (Serial cheater) Humiliated that MOW is 20 years younger than me Humiliated that they had sex in my home Humiliated that I hugged MOW in our home Humiliated MOW knew our kids Yep I could keep going but I won't 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Ladydesigner I am so sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Ladydesigner I am so sorry. I am, too, Ladydesigner. Your post hit me in the gut and brought home why I just cannot reconcile and why I will never look at him the same. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 FT, I think it's a good question to ask. Rationally I know that I have no reason to feel humiliated, but yet I do. I have thought a great deal about why I have this feeling, and I really don't like the answers, but here they are. I normally think of myself as a fairly intelligent person, and to be fooled right under my nose for 9 months just like that, is a serious crack in my self image. I raised it in therapy last year and my psychologist asked me why I believed that I SHOULD have known - there is nothing as easy as deceiving people who trust you with their lives, and I trusted her with my life. So, I've come to accept this fact and are able to let it go, but I have to remind myself from time to time. Second; the feeling of having someone close to you, talk about you and laugh at you behind your back, demean you, pitty you, and you don't have a clue. Further; one of her best friends knew about it and supported her. I spend time with her and her husband (he didn't know at the time), having a good time while she knew what was going on. I guess some of the laughing and joking is in my imagination only, but it feels real and therefore humiliating. I don't think I hate this girlfriend today, but it's definitely not warm feelings I have for her. Third; having someone decide on your behalf, that you live in an open marriage, and your the only one who doesn't know. It's demeaning and humiliating since I'm perfectly caple of thinking and deciding for myself. Fourth; OM was a friend of our house and my wife suggested that we invited him for dinner at a time when his wife were travelling. Just to support his efforts to make ends meet with work, kids, chores etc. So I cooked him a meal while he sat in our kitchen, chatting, asking about my work and work hours etc. I feel humiliated just to think about it as I write about it now. It's 2½ years since D-day, and I still work on these thoughts from time to time. I know they are irrational and rooted in a lack of self esteem and self worth, so this is where I concentrate on improving - hence my nickname. I also believe that WS has lots of reasons to feel humiliated, but that wasn't your question. Not everyone feels the same about these issues, but I hope it provided some insight. Did you divorce you WW? Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 All of the above and more. To the woman who asked the question, you've humiliated your husband on a very primal level. A man's wife is his pride and you belonged to him, he belonged to you. We are human animals and males are hard-wired to protect their mates as well as keep them away from sexual intruders. Being cheated on is a serious blow to the ego, the heart and the soul. But it's the ego that is screaming "I'm not good enough" and you've assaulted his manhood. Another man took you, put his penis inside of you, came inside of you (?). In your husband's head, all of that belongs to him and no one else. It makes him want to vomit. It's emasculating and embarrassing for him, even if not everyone knows. But he won't look at himself the same way again and suspects that other people do not either, even if those others may have been cheated on themselves. You replaced him sexually and emotionally and took a hammer to the bond of trust between the two of you. Without trust and respect, there's not much to a marriage. This sums up how most BH's feel when finding out their wife cheated on them. I think all WW's trying/hoping to reconcile should read this and try to understand - although I don't think they will be able to. Men and women are, obviously, wired differently and cannot see things from the others point of view no matter how hard they try and/or how much they think they do. Still, realizing just how badly the sexual component of their cheating hurts their BH might help them understand why he is so devastated. I've posted many times the overwhelming shame I felt then and feel even today about her cheating. Nearly every time there has been a chorus of posters telling me that I shouldn't feel that way. That I was noble for staying and all that crap. Now we have a thread that shows that many BS's feel shame and humiliation - something that must be addressed by the BS regardless of whether they attempt reconciliation or not. Link to post Share on other sites
PoopHappens Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 You know what's humiliating? Having to go places you swore you'd never go. After 25 years of marriage and never so much as taking keys from my wife's purse without first asking permission then finding yourself sneaking around looking for information. Oh yes the BS has to do a lot of very unsavory sneaking. Putting up keystroke loggers, driving to OM's house to find wife's car parked out front, wondering why she takes showers at a time of day that you instinctively know is wrong. Having to lie to child about where mom is. Those are truly humiliating acts. I personally struggled with the whole notion of actually being at fault. I'm at fault for a whole of things in life but none of them warrant the betrayal and the way it came down. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 You know what's humiliating? Having to go places you swore you'd never go. After 25 years of marriage and never so much as taking keys from my wife's purse without first asking permission then finding yourself sneaking around looking for information. Oh yes the BS has to do a lot of very unsavory sneaking. Putting up keystroke loggers, driving to OM's house to find wife's car parked out front, wondering why she takes showers at a time of day that you instinctively know is wrong. Having to lie to child about where mom is. Those are truly humiliating acts. I personally struggled with the whole notion of actually being at fault. I'm at fault for a whole of things in life but none of them warrant the betrayal and the way it came down. Good point. Never in my life did I think I would learn how to forensically hack an iPhone, or email, or computer hard drive. I am not a CIA agent. That was a pretty low point. Definitely humiliating. Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I personally struggled with the whole notion of actually being at fault. I'm at fault for a whole of things in life but none of them warrant the betrayal and the way it came down. Exactly!!!!!!! And anyone that does not undertand the humiliation that goes with that really doesn't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Did you divorce you WW? No, I didn't. Still together, but definitely not the same anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 No, I didn't. Still together, but definitely not the same anymore. I have a strong hunch that the BH's who refuse to reconcile with their WW and divorce her are able to repair their damaged psyche and resolve their shame and humiliation much better than those who reconcile. They are taking the stand "by having sex with OM you betrayed something that was sacred, special about our relationship. You have destroyed that and cannot fix it. Go away." This is what I wish I had done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ForeverTainted Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 Thank you all for your answers. It was hard to read them but insightful. I cringed a lot and then kept reminding myself that I am no better than each one of your cheating spouses. I think most of you though agree that the humiliation is something that needs to be worked past. That in order to heal you come to the place where you realize you have nothing to be humiliated for. Specially in the cases where it is a direct response to the cheating (not those special horrible stories where your cheater told secrets and said awful things behind your back) I never once said a single bad thing about my husband throughout the affair. But I realize now by engaging in the affair I was choosing my affair partner over my husband. I guess I was what everyone calls a cake eater. A good marriage, a good life, and a secret sex buddy to "spice" things up in between. I am humiliated by my actions and rightly so. None of you should be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Misfortune Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I was humiliated because I went through the "she's a good person....I trust her..." With my friends/family. I was humiliated because after 2 years together, our families only met at our "wedding" and while I was at my worst. I was humiliated to find out that my "marriage" didn't even make 6 months. I was humiliated because I never realized that my "wife" is gay. I'm humiliated because I wasted my time on someone who dropped me for someone else without a second thought. It's humiliating to have all of your secrets/weaknesses told to her AP. You know nothing about them but they know everything about you. I'm humiliated because I feel used. I'm humiliated to know that she didn't have any respect for me. It's humiliating to know that I'm still "married" to her and there's nothing I can do about it for a few months. Being told that it's something with her and not me didn't/doesn't stop the pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ForeverTainted Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 Being told that it's something with her and not me didn't/doesn't stop the pain. Pain is necessary and normal. If one didn't feel pain then they obviously have some deep emotional issues. But you can feel pain without being humiliated. Link to post Share on other sites
Misfortune Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Pain is necessary and normal. If one didn't feel pain then they obviously have some deep emotional issues. But you can feel pain without being humiliated. I know. I'm mostly over the humiliation stage and just dealing with whatever pain comes. Life goes on..... Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 (edited) I wasnt humiliated .......i actually went numb didnt feel much accept grief for my family who i felt i had failed...seeing their faces trying to understand and deal with him abandoning them, annialhated any feelings i had in regards to me......i felt responsible as i was the one who had to try and make them feel better and i couldnt do it.......failure..i go tsick and was hospitalized......they needed me...so no i didnt feel humiliatiopn just responsibility...someone had to feel that responsibility and it was me who was overwhelmed with it.......deb Edited October 2, 2013 by todreaminblue 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I wasnt humiliated .......i actually went numb didnt feel much accept grief for my family who i felt i had failed...seeing their faces trying to understand and deal with him abandoning them, annialhated any feelings i had in regards to me......i felt responsible as i was the one who had to try and make them feel better and i couldnt do it.......failure..i go tsick and was hospitalized......they needed me...so no i didnt feel humiliatiopn just responsibility...someone had to feel that responsibility and it was me who was overwhelmed with it.......deb (((todreaminblue))) Big hugs to you! I too was hospitalized when my kids needed me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts