Can we work this out? He broke up with me out of the blue

[BeautyPrincess]

My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We'd had as light argument that weekend, nothing major and I thought we'd sorted it all. We discussed it and then agreed to forget it, had a little cuddle and he told me he loved me. Then about half hour later he said it wasn't working and that we'd had too many little arguments lately, that he's been there before and it doesn't get better.

 

We've never really argued!! Anyway, I was devastated and packed all of my things up. He just kept saying sorry, it was never his intention to break up but it was for the best. He just sat there with his head in his hands and looked like he was gonna cry. He kept trying to hug and kiss me etc. anyway I gave him his key back and walked out. He text me the day after to make sure I was ok and then facetimed me a week after calling me beautiful. We had a discussion about things, however this time his reasons were that it wasn't going to work in the future and it's not what he wants (a relationship I guess).

 

Now I have to point out this is the second time he's done it and he used those reasons the first time. We got back together after a week the first time and I found out he ended it because he thought I didn't like him. I think he's very insecure and I feel like he's pushing me away before I go myself? I dunno.

 

Maybe it's wishful thinking. He also text me the other day asking me something I know he knew the answer to. Am I being naive or was it a way for him to contact me? Bearing in mind I haven't text him first at all? I did reply to his texts and then ignored his last one. Now I haven't text him and he hasn't tried to contact me. I have no idea where I stand and my head is messed up! I feel as if we could work things out if we saw each other, but I don't want to be the one to suggest it. \

 

I've never felt like this about anyone before, never wanted to fight for an ex. \\\

 

Anyone have any advice?

Edited October 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NoMoreJerks]

Congratulations, you are dating a commitmentphobe / emotionally unavailable man! He is using break-ups as a way to keep you at an arm's length when things start getting too close / too much like a marriage (arguing might trigger that comparison in his head), and possibly as a way to blackmail you into "good" behavior where you don't dare stand up for yourself for fear of yet another break-up.

 

Just let it be and move on, is my suggestion. You don't want to be his yo-yo girl.

[BeautyPrincess]

Mmm I was thinking the same thing. I think he has some issues about getting close to people and seems to look for things that may go wrong? Instead of just enjoying the relationship. We barely argued at all and were really happy!! He seems to break things off in order to protect himself as he assumes it'll end in the future? I'm not sure he knows what he wants!!

 

Thanks for your advice

[Ireallydontknow]

When this happened to me my ex had someone else on her mind. Suddenly you shift to all good, to all bad. She got rejected, then suddenly she was ready to fight for our relationship! Just keep your distance. Unless you want cheated on someday?

[BeautyPrincess]

I have thought about that. But I really don't know when he'd have time to cheat! He has a pretty full on, serious job and whenever he wasn't working he'd be seeing me (always his idea-I wasn't clingy or anything). So realistically I couldn't see him having time. But I guess u never know!

[OJ loved Nicole]

No such thing as "out of the blue" for the dumper. You just missed subtle and not so subtle signs (which will come to light soon), "blinded by love".

 

Listen to NMJ, be happy you're out of this one.

[Crashandburn]

Same thing happened to me... I guess it is more common than we think. I think that the easy answer is to move on since it will be very toxic and repetitive unless you get to the core issue.

 

BUT if you must work it out like me... (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/428564-avoidant-attachment-love)

I recommend you talk to him about therapy or couples therapy. He will come back... since that is his MO but I guess is it worth it to you? Also might not be so keen on the therapy if he doesn't see this as his problem yet.

Edited October 2, 2013 by Crashandburn
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[BeautyPrincess]

Thank u crashandburn, your story sounds pretty similar to mine. I do feel as though I want to get with him. I love him and want to help him sort things out and yet my head tells me it'll just happen again and again. But my heart is ruling my head at the minute! He told me right before he broke up with me that I deserve better and that a friend had told him he always messes up relationships. I do want him back but don't know how to go about it. I mean, why should I be the one to make the effort, when he did the breaking up? We've not been in contact for a week now (I ignored his last text) but everyone is telling me not to contact him and if it's meant to be....

 

I just don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure of his feelings for me, unless he was lying the whole time!!! Arghhhh so confusing

[h0000]

My ex is similar. He came back twice.. and this is the third time. Sometimes it amuses me how he keeps coming back. (cant find anyone better?) I never initiated contact though. I just didnt ignore him either.

Did your ex say he doesnt want a relationship? mine too. He broke up with me twice,I broke up with him once. All for this very reason. He said he always disappoints the girls and I should find someone who can give me what I want.

Im pretty sure one day I will be over this and dont want to take him back anymore.

Edited October 2, 2013 by h0000

[BeautyPrincess]

I agree. There's only so many times u can put up with that rubbish!! That's exactly what he said, also that he couldn't see how it was going to work in the future,.....seemingly always looking for potential problems so as not to get hurt further down the line?!! How long did it take him to want u back h0000?

haven't contacted him, but he hasn't contacted me either. After our FaceTime he said to text him later if i wanted to and that just because he hadn't text me didn't mean he didn't want to talk to me, he just wanted to leave it up to me incase I didn't want to talk? I'm on the verge of texting him but everyone's telling me not to! I just feel like we had something special! But can't be that special to him to just chuck it away eh!

[h0000]

Every time it takes roughly 1 month. The most recent time, 5 weeks. I miss him but I never contacted him simply because I have nothing to say to him. Why do you want to text him? What there to say honestly?

This time he contacted me just to keep telling me what he's been up to. Hasn't said he wanted to get back to me though. He did ask me out once but soon canceled on me. It offended me terribly and I refused to talk to him ever since. Though he apologized twice..I still am very annoyed. It was last week.

[Crashandburn]

It sucks because they seem to know what they are doing too. They even say we deserve better.... It drives me nuts. Then why the hel can't YOU be better?!?

 

@h0000 Do you want him back again? Did you ever talk to him about his commitment issues?

 

@Beauty Princess - I really think he has the same issues. If you think its special just talk to him. They say guys with commitment issues pull out as soon as they feel they are falling too hard. Anyway this is my second time too and I know I intend to have a real discussion not about the fake reason he broke up, since its obvious now Its really him not me and his avoidant personality. He need to either want to work on addressing the real issue or I guess its really over.

 

I mean, why should I be the one to make the effort, when he did the breaking up?

 

IF you really think its special, then does it really matter who contacts who? I don't believe in those games of who contacts who..? (hence my name?)I mean upper hand b*llsh*t is just not worth thinking about if you are serious about the relationship. Your goal should be to be on level ground/even playing fields non-threatening.

Its nerve-racking but I think its worth it. I get panic attacks thinking about talking about it. But I know that if this doesn't happen there is no future at all so for me it is worth it.

[BeautyPrincess]

Yer don't tell me I deserve better, I'll be the judge of that!!!

 

@crashandburn are u working to get back with your ex then? After we got back together last time he told me how he'd sworn blind that we weren't getting back together but I had shocked him by going round and showing him how much I cared! I have no idea whether the same can be said this time though...

 

He said last time that he'd done it to one of his previous exes several times, so he knows he does it which annoys me! I guess I'm just worried about texting him incase I face that rejection all over again

 

I guess the only thing that's stopping me really trying is the fact that he told me he can't see it working in the future. He said it's better if we break up now rather than further down the line as it'll hurt more then. Who knows what's gonna happen in the future?! Shouldn't people take relationships one day at a time?

[BeautyPrincess]

Lol he's now deleted me off Facebook what the hell?!

[Crashandburn]

aww I'm sorry BeautyPrincess but don't be too offended. He seems to be immature but then again my Ex has 10 friends on FB so I wouldn't even notice.

I think FB makes sense, if you are on it a lot it consumes you and you start stalking etc which is unhealthy. He probably felt it was necessary for himself to get over the relationship. Anyway its hard for both parties so I wouldn't read too much into it.

 

He said it's better if we break up now rather than further down the line as it'll hurt more then.

 

I heard that line too. I do have lapses when I think its not his "issues" talking and he was "just not that into me" but my gut knows better. It ALMOST sounds logical but really... Its a very indirect way of saying: I'm scared of investing my heart into something so fragile and important to me..(it already is) what if she dumps me later.. wouldn't that hurt a lot more? Let me do this now since its already making me so anxious. Anxious must mean we aren't meant to be.

Its almost like saying I don't want to go outside because I might get hit by a bus.

 

Later he'll realize its a mistake.. why? because his reasoning wasn't really logical. Does that make sense? Sorry if it seems I'm rambling. Anyway yes I intend to try and get him to get help. If not for "us", for his sake.

[BeautyPrincess]

It's strange because him deleting me really hurt. It's a stupid social networking site for god sake!! I text him before I realised he'd deleted me, but he still replied! I don't get why he's deleted me if he's happy to talk. What's the point?! He's saying he's been really stressed at work. He was stressed last time we broke up too. When I told him i was ok he asked me if I was sure. What does he want? For me to break down and tell him I can't live without him?! Not likely. No use in feeding his ego!

Mmm I think that too, 'maybe he didn't love me and was lying' but if that's the case he's a VERY good actor.

 

I want to find a way to see if he thinks we can make it work but don't know how to go about it and don't want to look desperate! I do want him back because I miss him so much! Every other break up I've just let go. But not this one for some reason

[Crashandburn]

I want to find a way to see if he thinks we can make it work but don't know how to go about it and don't want to look desperate!

 

Ok so since I am already going to do this I will let you know how I intend to approach it while suggesting it to you. I'm actually planning on doing it Sat. So if you would like to hear a first hand account of what happens maybe you should wait. With that said, here it is:

 

How about telling him you would like to meet since you still have questions about the break-up. If only to help you.. kinda thing. Nothing desperate in that? You guys have an open line of communication it seems like so it shouldn't be too weird. If he cares for you, I think you asking to see him for "closure" isn't too big of a request. Don't know if "closure" is a good word to use with him but any old excuse is fine. If you aren't comfortable at his home try a park bench with Coffee.

 

If he says yes, when you meet him ask him if he ever thought he had commitment issues (obviously after some chit-chat and when that moment of awkward silence comes and you know the inevitable "us" comes up). You can say something along the lines of "I've been thinking about the reasons you wanted to break up a lot and it doesn't make any sense. I feel like you still care about me." See if he brings up any of the "key" phobic phrases like "I'm not sure about the future... I care about you but...." Anyway I'm sure you can bring it up without being too offensive and not get him defensive. Show you care and that you are concerned for him too.

If you have a list of identifiers it might help..IF he can even admit that these may be causing him to pull out... ask him if he would even think of doing therapy really face the issue? I'm sure you have questions about his actions etc so ask if certain times XYZ happened it could of actually been this issue.. etc As you are talking I am sure you will know how he feels about this in general.

 

IF you think he is game for therapy and working it out, ask him if he would still like you to be a part of his life during this. If he has this goal to let go of his fears can he ultimately see you two together. Is that something he would like. If he didn't feel "off" would he want "us". Obviously this is a big Question so he might not be keen on answering right away and this is where you have to let down your wall and confess that you are willing to slowly work it out with him if he is. That you care about him and think that "us" is worth working on. That "us" means a lot to you. Not a begging but an honest account of how you feel. (don't do this part at all if he doesn't acknowledge his behaviors - obviously)

 

He may need to think about it... but hopefully his being game for therapy will bring out the truth of how he feels.

 

If he says well No to the "us" or if he gets super defensive about the avoidant personality disorder and lashes out, then just say you had to ask because thats kinda something you saw in the relationship and thought he should know. Sorry for wasting his time but hope he does find happiness and you hope the best for him. That is your closure. You won't regret not saying anything or not trying but it's not begging or bargaining. It's trying to see if he is willing to really try something else.

 

Honestly for me... without the core issue being solved I would never go back to my Ex. So that is why I can do this with "working on it" being an internal ultimatum (not telling him of course) I already know that just "talking about it" and opening up with one another is too easy to lapse. But real committed work to resolve the insecurities: going to therapy and scheduling a time to talk to one another once a week about feelings etc. is the only way it can work for us. Not sure it helps but I will keep you posted about how it goes too.

[h0000]

not every ex will stop talking so I don't think it means anything that he deleted you but still replied tp your message. and asking if your ok? oh please,crocodile's tear..

my ex deleted our photos on Facebook as well. I don't know why but I dont want to think about it. waste of time.

it is just funny how ur guys' exs pretend to care, which leads you to believe they pull out cuz they start to fall too deep, and then you say "please come back and please let me help you". well, koodos for your kindness. at least my ex was honest: he gets bored every time he feels he is in a relationship and he loses interests.

I def would not go after him.it is his problem it is his fault . why are you helping him he doesn't even ask for your help! he would not appreciate. most likely he would completely lose interest in you and start chasing new girls who dont give a damn.

I would not take him back his time unless he begs me.

[BeautyPrincess]

I was texting my ex for a few days and he was out drinking and told me several times he misses me but he was only saying it because he'd been drinking. He then rang me at stupid o'clock but I ignored it. The day after he apologised for ringing and he had just wanted to say hi and hear my voice. What the hell?!

 

@crashandburn how did it go today?

[Crashandburn]

@BeautyPrincess

Sorry for the delay. Have been super busy this weekend.

I'm sorry your ex is so wishy-washy what a d*ck lol just kidding but it feels good to just say that sometimes.

I'm sure it's annoying to try and think of yourself when he keeps popping up but just laugh it off, who cares for now. Of course he misses you but thats cruel of him if he just want to hear you say it. For you, going back to "normal" just to repeat this is such a temporary solution that you should try to talk it out once YOU are ready. At least you are still on his mind so use that to your advantage! You know that alcohol is truth serum and when you are intoxicated if you can think of 2 things you're pretty awesome so one of the 2 things other than what should I drink next is I miss her. HUGE confidence booster!!

I think it's a great opportunity to reflect on yourself and figure out what YOU want from being with him and being able to tell him. If you realized anything about things you were scared to say before etc. Really just reflect. See if you can realize any disconnect you felt.. I didn't notice a lot of things before so.

 

So Anyway Sat......

I talked to him... and well, it is a lot more complicated than I thought... So it is good news but eh news? lol

I told him that I essentially want us to go down the path of marriage and to grow old together. That was what I wanted although I was too scared to ever say anything and just went along with the relationship and even needed to reflect on this after breakup to realize thats what I wanted. He was definitely thinking more about the future than I was... he knew that living together meant that.

 

The reason he pulled out was:

He told me that he isn't sure he knows how to feel "in love" constantly..he's confused if caring for someone and being comfortable is the same thing as love etc. How when he feels doubt he wants to pull out because, what if he feels doubt in the future and hurts me... But if we live together etc we both need to know that we will marry one another. Sounds like the dreading of unforeseen things but it's a real fear and I can't change how he feels. But also not being sure about marriage with me turns out to be a big deal for me too so I guess its good we stopped to think now. He says it happens to him quite often during long term relationships, hence, his leaving a gf of 4yrs when she gave him an ultimatum of marriage. I am not one for ultimatums so although I kinda have one internally, I haven't spelled it out.

 

What was important for me this Sat. was he said that he wants to be "MY ONE" and he is willing to work on trying to understand why he is so confused. He knows it's something off in him and not that easy to understand but wants to go to therapy and try to be the "one" for me. I think it helped that I went on to him to tell him what I thought of what the "one" is. I only believe that the one happens when 2 people decide to work on things and find it worth while. Thats when you are "destined" since you have made a choice to go down a new path formed by the 2 decisions. That "one" path never existed until the 2 decided. He felt more comfort in that since it isn't black and white and there are no right answers. There are many ones but I said I didn't want any other "one"

 

I showed him my book and read it he laughed and said wow thats me to the "T" and why does it say I do this? (at least he admitted it so that was great) He really has some confidence issues and thinks that I deserve better how can someone like me make you happy. But now he gets that these thoughts bring about other negative thoughts and actions but this is something that can be realized and worked on. Therapy is going to be difficult too since he is not very open about himself and hates talking about feelings but he is willing and to me thats huge.

 

After hearing how he felt about us, I didn't want to give up but also couldn't just let us keep going without a goal. Yesterday he almost said ok lets just get back together I want to be your one and you are going to be my one. I told him it's not that easy regaining trust in one another as well as in his own decision when he feels so confused. He needs to be a little more confident and needs to work on understanding his thoughts and motives. I need to be able to see that as well so I told him that he will have to court me again and make me feel wanted once more. HE will have to reach out to me and ask to meet etc. show me that he is really going to work on it, go to therapy and talk to me about his feelings.. I have given myself an internal deadline to the end of the year or earlier depending on his actions to either keep hope or move on. If I see his effort and we can talk about the future without the HUGE doubt than I think we are good to go.

 

I can't believe that in the end it has become this ultimatum of either we decide to get married or we walk away. AND I can't believe that I somehow was able to turn it to him working on it for me... although I may be disappointed in the end, I was happy walking away from the conversation with dignity and didn't Beg or plead. It was an open discussion of both of our thoughts for the future.

 

It won't be easy and we are going to take it VERY slow but it was the first time I almost felt like I understood how he was feeling. In the end it could be a hopeless endeavor but I know I tried my best. I actually feel it won't be so bad if this doesn't work out now. I can't always have what I want and thats ok.

[BeautyPrincess]

@crashandburn I'm so glad that you guys are trying to work things out and make a go of it! That's great news. I think the fact that he is willing to go to therapy speaks volumes!! Please keep me updated on how things go!

 

I'm not feeling much hope right now. U were right when u called him a d*ck lol. I feel like he's completely trying to play me. If he misses me so much then whys he not bothering to contact me? And I think the only reason he told me/thought of me is because we'd been texting that day anyway. I'm seriously beginning to doubt any of his feelings were actually genuine. I think what hurts the most is the fact that I thought he liked me soooo much, but I guess I was wrong. I really can't see any way out of this, which sucks because I thought he was something special!

[Crashandburn]

@beautyprincess Thanks for your support!! I am going to work on me a lot now. I'm done mourning. haha

I know it is difficult to think he really may not care for you... but with that in mind, do you still want to talk it out more? I'm sorry I don't have any sage advice for you since I'm just trying to work it out as well. Its just I had to go in thinking he really doesn't love me that much... which is true if he has no idea what love is to begin with.

 

May I ask how old you two are? sorry if you mentioned it earlier but I didn't feel as though you were super young nor super old. Age makes a difference when you are talking about these kind of reactions from men...

 

Mine was easy to see he had issues since late 30's isn't young so to be SOO confused at his age... Your ex might have these issues too but might not be as severe, might be he isn't saying what his real issues are... Did you ask him what he meant about not seeing a future and you deserve better? Maybe he thinks he doesn't love you enough.. or there is a huge difference in the amount of love between the two of you.. etc. Do you know the answer to these things? (Mine obviously felt this)

[BeautyPrincess]

@crashandburn No worries! I really hope the two of u can work it out. He obviously feels a lot for u to say he wants to be your 'one'!

 

I kind of feel like I'm done now. He doesn't seem to want to contact me, so I feel like why should I make the first move again. We are both very stubborn which probably doesn't help lol. We're both in our mid-late 20s. He said he doesn't see it working in the future, because we don't like the same things, but he said that last time as well. I'm not sure about the 'you deserve better' comment, he didn't explain that one. It's more the fact that he decided he didn't want a relationship after pushing for it in the first place! That's what confuses me

[h0000]

all I can say is that my ex's ex gf (thr girl before me) tried the same thing with him (try to fix him try to make him realise she was the one) and he just ended up dating two women at the same time and she has to tolerate it just to keep him stay. and in the end he still left her anyway.

well he is really young so maybe for your guys your men are different. .

[Crashandburn]

all I can say is that my ex's ex gf (thr girl before me) tried the same thing with him (try to fix him try to make him realise she was the one) and he just ended up dating two women at the same time and she has to tolerate it just to keep him stay. and in the end he still left her anyway.

well he is really young so maybe for your guys your men are different. .

There are so many different types of characters in this world and I don't mean to say age= maturity but depending on what point you are in life I think changes things a lot. Obviously marriage and future come to play when you are older and some just won't put too much into relationships when they are younger because they are so busy learning about themselves exploring.

 

Although I would say if a man (your ex) is capable of hurting someone like that no matter how complicated..... I don't see much hope in his character for the long term anyway. He needs to grow up and learn to treat people with respect!