Can we work this out? He broke up with me out of the blue

[Crashandburn]

I kind of feel like I'm done now. He doesn't seem to want to contact me, so I feel like why should I make the first move again. We are both very stubborn which probably doesn't help lol. We're both in our mid-late 20s. He said he doesn't see it working in the future, because we don't like the same things, but he said that last time as well. I'm not sure about the 'you deserve better' comment, he didn't explain that one. It's more the fact that he decided he didn't want a relationship after pushing for it in the first place! That's what confuses me

 

It is hard to move on especially since IMO not liking the same things isn't exactly a deal breaker.. but its sounds like he might not be willing to compromise and that's a deal breaker. He just didn't explain himself well at all and you do deserve more than that. It sucks that he isn't willing to explain it more.

 

When you took him back last time he broke up with you, did he explain it more in detail or did you kind of fall back into it?

[BeautyPrincess]

@h0000 I'd like to think that I know my ex well enought to know he wouldn't do that to a girl. He barely has time for one girlfriend, let alone too. But given the fact that he ended it, maybe I didn't know him as well as I thought lol.

 

@crashandburn he used exactly the same reasons the first time we broke up. I didn't see the different interests thing as a problem and when we got back together I made more of an effort to do things he liked to do and vice versa.

 

Erm last time when we got back together we arranged to meet up to discuss things and I pretty much laid myself on the line. He was really taken aback and it turned out that his real reason he ended it was because I wasn't giving him anything, as in I was really guarded and didn't show affection, so he thought I didn't like him! And now looking back, I can see why he might have thought that. I was very hard work lol. But yes, we kind of just fell back into things straight away, I guess because we thought we'd dealt with the 'issues'?

[Crashandburn]

@crashandburn he used exactly the same reasons the first time we broke up. I didn't see the different interests thing as a problem and when we got back together I made more of an effort to do things he liked to do and vice versa.

 

Erm last time when we got back together we arranged to meet up to discuss things and I pretty much laid myself on the line. He was really taken aback and it turned out that his real reason he ended it was because I wasn't giving him anything, as in I was really guarded and didn't show affection, so he thought I didn't like him! And now looking back, I can see why he might have thought that. I was very hard work lol. But yes, we kind of just fell back into things straight away, I guess because we thought we'd dealt with the 'issues'?

 

Its still odd to me that he used the same issue when in reality it was that he wasn't sure you were happy with him...and he wasn't happy with your input etc.. he should be sure now!! But then again insecurities are difficult. Very unfair that he is doing the hot and cold when you seem to not play games at all.

 

If you won't regret not saying anything to him or clarifying anything, then I say you should go NC for yourself. I am also stubborn and so I went the other way... slightly unhealthy to go back knowing it will hurt so whichever you choose just know the consequences. I may be elongating the breakup who knows until we can really clarify our status.

 

I can keep you posted as I may be heartbroken in a week you never know. lol I am grateful to have found this thread and forum and thank you for your support!! I am here if you need me!

[h0000]

funny thing is lately I have a strong urge to contact him..sometimes I almost did it. ugrrrrr

[Crashandburn]

funny thing is lately I have a strong urge to contact him..sometimes I almost did it. ugrrrrr

 

I went to read your threads and saw that your Ex wants to reconcile... So tell me what is your hesitation? Do you still have a lot of uncertainties? We were talking about age and you said you were younger than us may I ask how old?

 

I mean, if he wants to work it out, why don't you meet up with him to find out why and see if you can agree to his reasons. There is always a risk involved in this but I was reading your thread and it seems there was a lot of negativity in the idea of reconciliation and we here are talking about trying so thought you could share your story.

[h0000]

I went to read your threads and saw that your Ex wants to reconcile... So tell me what is your hesitation? Do you still have a lot of uncertainties? We were talking about age and you said you were younger than us may I ask how old?

 

I mean, if he wants to work it out, why don't you meet up with him to find out why and see if you can agree to his reasons. There is always a risk involved in this but I was reading your thread and it seems there was a lot of negativity in the idea of reconciliation and we here are talking about trying so thought you could share your story.

 

we are 23. and no no he doesnt want to econcile. that was probably my stupid mind thinking he does. When he broke up with me he said we arent on the same page(i like him much more) and he cant give me what i want (a full on relationship) and i should find someone who can.

Then 5 weeks NC .

Then he contacted me, made some chit chat, asking me about my life,telling me about his life.

On the same weekend,he asked me out but then canceled it on me saying "my other friends are going now and I asked them first ".

ME: why cant we go together? all the friends? OR is there another girl so you dont want me to go?

HIM: ha ha that's one way to look at it.

ME: I'm not your backup and not a second freaking choice!

him: there are 9 other people LOL!

then he kept explaining no he wasn't using me .he asked too many people and plans got messed up.

I felt that was BS so I ignored him. later he apologized "sorry to make you feel like that"."that was stupid and selfish" "again sorry. I actually wished I was with you the night wasn't enjoyable at all" blah blah. I still ignored him.

 

I dont know what he wants. but I was probably wrong to think that he wants to reconcile otherwise he wouldnt have chosen to go with his friends.

 

all my friends tell me to stay away from him. he doesnt love me.

Edited October 9, 2013 by h0000

[Crashandburn]

we are 23. and no no he doesnt want to reconcile. that was probably my stupid mind thinking he does. When he broke up with me he said we arent on the same page(i like him much more) and he cant give me what i want (a full on relationship) and i should find someone who can.

 

I see well, 23 is a hard age, some people are more mature than others.. It is a lot of fun though and flies by very quickly so you need to enjoy it to your fullest!! If you want a relationship I am sure you will find one but personally I wish I dated a lot more to experience more types of men

 

Sounds like he wants to keep you around since he knows you still like him... It is nice to know someone cares.. But at the same time we can become cruel to the other, I know, I have done it. I'm sure we all kind of have and told ourselves "well its up to them to talk to us, we haven't said anything to give them the wrong idea."

 

Unless he really states he wants to "talk" I would treat him as trying to keep you for comfort/ego. Hanging out in a group setting after a break up is VERY awkward so he saved you that! He has already told you that a relationship is not on his mind right now and it sucks but that can't be forced. It is good you are doing NC and I would keep to it unless he comes CRAWLING back begging

I mean you can even tell him if he casually calls or txts again please don't since you need to get over him. No hard feelings but maybe in like 6 months thanks.

 

Hopefully you don't cave and contact him... It makes it so hard when you are chasing what you can't have. It's not like he is going to be evil overnight and not talk or be kind.. but he just won't be able to give you what you want. Its really his turn now since he broke it off with you.

 

@BeautyPrincess - Sorry to hijack your thread

Just thought we might be of some optimism help but sometimes its not the case.

[h0000]

to me it seems he has another girl to chase after and thats what pissed me off.who would invite your ex and your new target together just to see who can make it?! not eve to you friends(if not an ex gf).

and in the end he chose them over me. I feel he probs didn't even want to invite me at the first place?

Sometimes I crave to contact him cuz I feel he already apologised ..but then I don't think its enough. he treated me as a second choice so yeah he should know a few apologies arent enough . he needs to crawl back.

Edited October 10, 2013 by h0000

[h0000]

He never loved me. He had feelings for me for a short period of time and they flied away. The whole time he kept coming back to me really is because he cant find anyone who's a better match, not that easy.

If this time he comes back again, it wont be because he realizes he loves me,it will be he realizes the grass isnt greener at all.

If he doesnt come back, it will be because he has found someone else. :D

Edited October 10, 2013 by h0000

[Crashandburn]

He never loved me. He had feelings for me for a short period of time and they flied away. The whole time he kept coming back to me really is because he cant find anyone who's a better match, not that easy.

If this time he comes back again, it wont be because he realizes he loves me,it will be he realizes the grass isnt greener at all.

If he doesnt come back, it will be because he has found someone else. :D

 

Well thats not cool. Make sure you at least can be happy! Don't let him come back like that. Not good for your self-esteem. Have fun you are young!

[BeautyPrincess]

Ohhhh I seriously might turn this into a man hating thread lol. Not only am I dealing with my own heartbreak and an ex who clearly, IMO couldn't care less about me now, (hence him not getting in contact)but my friends boyfriend has just broken up with her....over text!! Actually, that's not strictly true, he's told her he doesn't know if he wants to be with her and is now ignoring her messages, so he hasn't even got the balls to end it lol. Arghhhhhhh!!

 

Sorry. Rant over!

 

@crashandburn how are things going for u now?

 

@h0000 your ex clearly cares about u still to have apologised for cancelling on u! But if u feel he's just messing around then I guess you're well shot of him, but that's easy to say lol. Is it likely that guys just aren't brave enough to say when they've actually made a mistake? Or is it an age thing?

[h0000]

what mistake are you talking about? but i guess overall people are reluctant to admit they made a mistake lol

I feel he apologised only because the night wasnt as good as he expected! yeah of course he " wish he spent it with me" instead.

and that was almost 2 weeks ago now. he hasn't talked to me since.

[Art Vandalay]

l have similarly been dumped three different times by the same girl over the past year and a half, each of the first two times she left because she wanted to "Have fun with her friends and try meeting new guys," and each of those times we ended up getting back together within a couple weeks. But this time it ended somewhat angrily (mostly on my part) because l was tired of her using the same reasoning over and over again (that was last friday). l told her she was the worst and that she was shallow then basically said F*** off. l haven't contacted her since then, l feel horrible. l feel so bad that l could have gotten so angry with someone who l still clearly love, but at the same time l'm conflicted because she really has been messing with my emotions for the last few months with all this back and fourth so l feel it was justified.

 

l just worry that when she eventually does call l will just say yes to her again.

[h0000]

why dont these people learn the lesson that the grass is never greener? I mean even dogs learn after repetition..

you should set yourself a limit as well. Tell her" 3 strikes you're out".

Ultimately though she doesnt love you, you know that right?

[Art Vandalay]

why dont these people learn the lesson that the grass is never greener? I mean even dogs learn after repetition..

you should set yourself a limit as well. Tell her" 3 strikes you're out".

Ultimately though she doesnt love you, you know that right?

 

Yeah, she was a damn good liar tho. Fooled me more than once.

[h0000]

I think a more serious problem is how to be strong enough to say no to these people. till this date Im afraid I still wish he could change his mind. ..how terrible! ! im waiting for time to let me forget about him..

[Crashandburn]

I think a more serious problem is how to be strong enough to say no to these people. till this date Im afraid I still wish he could change his mind. ..how terrible! ! im waiting for time to let me forget about him..

 

I've been here too. I used to just pretend everything was A-ok. Hook-up, FWB.. I took what I could get. I think it was an addiction for me. He got me so high on his little attention and the withdrawals were severe. Don't do it!! Your self worth will go to sh*t and you may end up like me finding the perfect sweet.. commitment phobe lol

 

@Art Vandalay - She may have the same issue as my guy? It's so hard to distinguish the difference between all these issues though.. Some people are going to be cruel and love the attention, lie through their teeth and always get what they want... and some are suffering to really find love within themselves...

 

I am hoping mine is the latter this time...Please don't let yourself be yo-yo'd

that is a terrible feeling and her reasons suck!! How did she say that she wants to date around twice?? I get once but... how did you forgive her the second time??

 

@BeautyPrincess

I am seeing him again this weekend. We texted once about our pets this week and thats all.. He is supposed to contact me about coming over but still haven't heard anything.

 

Someone on my thread mentioned going through this before and told me to be weary... That the break up over these issues turned into a SLOW DEATH. I think I get it now. IF we don't get to a defined place soon this is a slow and painful process of dreading Sadly I have hope every time I see him. So again it's about trust, finding my happy place, and not letting the times with him cloud my judgment. SO complicated I want to give up already

 

If after this weekend he isn't sure of something.. I think I will start dating and start weening myself off the hope lol

[h0000]

I don't know how they get us so high with so little attention. .I almost fancy everything about him even the toothbrush he uses (not literally but you get the idea) its not even like he uses fancy stuff at all. they are actually pretty cheap since hes only a poor student.

but Im just so hooked on him .. I am strong enough to stay NC but my mind is still all about him

is he a commitment phebe? I don't know. maybe they are just not that into us.

Edited October 11, 2013 by h0000

[BeautyPrincess]

what mistake are you talking about? but i guess overall people are reluctant to admit they made a mistake lol.

 

I meant as in they made a mistake by breaking up with us but are now too stubborn, or have too much pride to admit it? I don't know. I guess thinking that is just hopeful rather than admitting they just don't want to be with us?

 

I'm really struggling with things at the minute, I really want to talk to him, but I feel that he's not contacted me so he clearly doesn't care about me? I just can't get him out of my head! He's definitely my addiction lol. I just don't know what to do anymore!

[h0000]

I dont think they think its a mistake to break up with us..they may find the BU not as easy to deal with as they thought but it has to be done/ not a mistake.

I know my BU has to be done. (unless he changes, which is very unlikely) but it doesn't make it easier. maybe your BU has to be done. And you should find someone who can give you want you want

I think they miss us , more or less. but doesn't mean they will contact. and them contacting us doesn't mean they care. look at my ex, contact me to use me as a backup? thats selfish. actually they should leave us alone. I experienced huge set back after he contacted me.

[Crashandburn]

Guys!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He wants to be with me again!! He held me and said "I promise to read the book, I promise to look over all articles you gave me and l'll go to the therapist you found. Please stay by my side and work on this together. You are right, life isn't just black /white and easy. I am happier with you in my life and thats very important, you wanting to be with me even when it's not easy... With this dysfunctional person...I want to be with you too. I want to be happy for myself and I will work on me for us."

 

I will keep an eye on him of course and my internal deadline is still there for myself and my needs, since actions do speak louder than words.

 

But it's very good news for me and the anxiety of being in limbo is relieved. Working out these issues together is much more hopeful.

I have the keys again!

 

Thanks for the support guys!! I hope I'm not back in december saying I gave it a try and he failed. haha

[BeautyPrincess]

@crashandburn ahhhhh I'm so happy for u!! That's great I'm glad he realised what a good thing he had going on and I really hope it all works out for u!

 

I'd love things to work out the same for me but I can't even bring myself to suggest meeting up now, for fear of being shot down. I just feel empty right now and miss him every single day! I am so pleased that it has worked out for u though! It's be nice to hear how you're going every so often

[h0000]

good news. I wish you well

but wouldnt you worry hes doing it cuz your his security blanket? and really when something better comes along he will drop you again using all the old excuse?

[Crashandburn]

Thanks!

 

@beautyprincess.. As I said I didn't care if I seemed desperate since I knew I would regret not trying. I also didn't care if I were shot down I guess.. crashandburn.. haha I felt I had nothing to lose since I was already rejected. I was ready to give up and still am if this doesn't work. I feel so much stronger just within the past few weeks since the BU as I feel more strongly and see much more clearly that I am making my choices and controlling my happiness. If you continue the route of NC, you will get through this If you decide you need to tell him something you will get through this!!

 

@h0000

Well of course we all have these moments of doubt. I mean don't people get jealous and insecure everyday? Should be a lot less with your man to be happy and stable though and I tend to have A LOT of trust in a relationship. Especially since it IS someone I would like to marry, I believe I am not too "blinded by love" to pick a decent person. As I said, actions speak louder than words and I will have to decide on my own if it is enough for me too. We've also all heard of people being stood up at the alter so yea you never know.

 

You just have to trust your gut and choose to trust the person you love. All are choices we have to make..To me, I thought the easy way out is for him to leave me and not face his issues.. but he didn't. Choosing is hard and to know that he made this choice makes me confident and want to trust him.

[h0000]

what if I trust that he came back cuz he didn't find anyone he wants or his others flings didn't work out. should I still give it a go?

is there a chance he truely falls for you again, instead of leaving you for something better