Cabras Posted November 29, 2004 Share Posted November 29, 2004 When is it OK to take someone back who has cheated on you? Does it matter that you treated the person poorly before it happened? What about how she cheated (sex, messing around, just a kiss, drunken stupor etc..) My friend confessed that she cheated on her boyfriend years ago and she has been faithful ever since and would never do it again. She was scared and confused and got drunk and one thing lead to another. She has never told him. So now I find myself with an ex who may be unwilling to come back to the relationship out of guilt and shame and doubts that she still loves me. I have been cheated on by two ex's previously and I was furious with them. I didn't do anything wrong and I wondered how they could do that to me. This time it feels different. I am not wondering why, I am completely understanding. I wish she wouldn't have, but I forgive her and understand. So where does that leave us? I am considering telling her at some point that whatever happened before, during or after we broke up is in the past. I want to let her know that I am not looking to just jump back in and pick up where we left off. I would like to work on building us back together into something new and wonderful. When I told her I really appreciated how wonderful of a girlfriend she had been to me over the last 2.5 years she told me she wasn't. She really was a great girlfriend and treated me extremely well. (except the end when I think she cheated one me) Link to post Share on other sites
hurtingandconfused Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 When is it OK to take someone back who has cheated on you? Never. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 I doubt I could ever take back a girl who cheated. I can forgive anything but that. Personally I just don't buy into the excuses cheaters give. If they couldn't control themselves then they are showing me they are nothing more than big talking monkeys who give into any impulse and why would I want to be with a monkey? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cabras Posted November 30, 2004 Author Share Posted November 30, 2004 OK, so I'm just nuts. The possibilty that she cheated on me was driving me crazy so I finally just called her and asked her about it. She basically told me I was crazy, but said she understood why I might have thought that from what she told me Sunday. She was actually really talkative after we discussed that and we had a great conversation about football and our current living situations. After we talked a while, I was actually the one that said I needed to get off the phone. I told her I might call her this weekend. Everything that seems to point towards us not getting back together seems to fall away. I just need to relax. Link to post Share on other sites
NiCoLe20 Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 ok by getting back together with ur girl ur basically allowing her to cheat again.... its like saying yea u cheated its ok lets get back together...cmon now lol yea u been together a while but cheating is cheating bro.... what happens if she gets drunk again and hooks up with another dude? ull be soo hurt.... its not even worth it .. once a cheater always a cheater... but if u really want her that baddd, get back together and cheat on her... see how she feels... but thats not the right way to go about things... i say stay away and find some1 new... u dont want to have to worry if she'll cheat again do u? its too stressfull man Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cabras Posted December 1, 2004 Author Share Posted December 1, 2004 I didn't make that last post too clear. She said I was crazy for even thinking that she cheated on me. I really just put that in my own mind as a reason she left me. In all honesty she just doesn't feel that spark with me. She has been so honest with me in the past. I shouldn't have thought that. Link to post Share on other sites
Charlane Posted December 2, 2004 Share Posted December 2, 2004 You are a little too understanding and are wimping out. This is why she is taking her sweet time. Get a little more distant and watch her do the math. She was the one who did the wrong and not you. There is nothing wrong with being the way you are. She was the weak one and not you. Recognize that. She deserves cold shoulder for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 Originally posted by Cabras When is it OK to take someone back who has cheated on you? When, & IF you believe you can forgive her & move forward. When & if you believe the both of you can work together to mend the relationship & rebuild trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 I'm glad it seems clear that your ex didn't cheat. That will make things easier on both of you. People do stay with cheating partners and spouses all the time. (I've read that infidelity occurs in about half of all marriages, but nowhere near this percentage break up because of it.) It's very, very hard, but sometimes the relationship is stronger than the stupid and selfish things we can do to each other. You have to decide this issue for yourself, and the decision you make in one relationship may be very different than the decision you make in another. Good luck with your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cabras Posted December 6, 2004 Author Share Posted December 6, 2004 OK so here is what I can gather from her friends. She did not cheat on me. She WAS interested in this other guy before we broke up. She has been dating this guy for a couple weeks and going to lunch with him quite a bit for a while now. He is still in love with someone else, but seems to be stringing her along as a backup plan. He keeps breaking dates, telling her he isn't ready to give up on his ex etc and she's still interested in him. YIKES. So where do I stand in this? Part of me wishes I didn't know this stuff. Ignorance is bliss. Knowing this has made me move on more with my life more quickly. It seems like her whole situation is ready to blow up on her. Will that be enough to make her reconsider us? Maybe, probably not by itself. I am hoping me not contacting her will make her think about things a little more. She last told my friend that I am a great guy and she knows I will find someone soon. Yuck. That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but I thought about it and my friend thought about the way she said it and said it seemed like it could be a positive thing. I get to go live my life for a while and if she wants to go back to a great guy, she knows where to look. If I go have fun without her at least if she reaturns I can say I was doing my thing too. Then maybe we can approach things from a more level standpoint instead of; She wanted to try something new and I just was miserable until she came back. (well that's kind of true, but she doesn't have to know that any time soon) She is really scared to be alone. She has shared that with me and with friends. She has really bought in to the thinking that she and this guy will have a future. This weekend she has finally started realizing what she has gotten herself into. I hope she has the strength to get herself out of this without being hurt, but there's nothing I can do to help her. I love her and hate seeing her used like this. All I can do is give her space and be there for her if she wants to start over with us. Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted December 7, 2004 Share Posted December 7, 2004 jsut play it out..let her solve things on her own, u just be there for her if she needs ya to be, but dont become her psychologist...she'll liek the advice you give her and will neglect antyhin else..she'l see u as her close friend that she can vent to..which would be bd in ur case cause it would hurt hearin stuff. jsut keep a positive attitude and be confident in urself, be happy and good things will happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cabras Posted December 7, 2004 Author Share Posted December 7, 2004 I'm right with you on all of that. It sounds like you are stuck in the waiting game for a while now too. I had the opportunity to go to coffee with my ex on Sunday. I expected her to fill me in on her situation, but I cancelled and I couldn't be happier about it. Like you said, I don't want to be her Psychiatrist or her buddy right now. Luckily (I think) one of my good friends IS that person for her and while she has my ex's best interests in mind, she also would like to see us have another chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted December 7, 2004 Share Posted December 7, 2004 uhh well its been exactly a mth now, i guess its some time but compared to other peeps on here its nothin. theres no time limit thats the thing that confuses us more right? as for you..coo that you couldve went out with ur ex..keep it happy and show her who she fell for when u two were begginin the relationship when you do hang out. yeh i understand what u sayin bout ur friend..but you wnat her to come to realization on her own not by everyone tellin her cause then she'll feel just as pressured that people are tellin her to hook up again with you and she'll do the opposite..at least thats what i believe, perhaps other peeps can say otherwise either way..u seem to be doin fine, keep it up Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cabras Posted December 7, 2004 Author Share Posted December 7, 2004 When you say exactly a month do you mean today? Today is exactly 1 month since my ex called me and said we need to talk. It was on a Saturday morning and it blindsided me. We were cuddling in bed hours earlier. It seems like your situation is so much more complicated and deep than mine. If my ex never comes back I will only have scars in my heart to deal with in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted December 7, 2004 Share Posted December 7, 2004 well actually yesterday. yeah its crazy how you can be soo coo and happy hours before then they decide to lay it on ya huh??? whats up with that..just shows their confusion...and even after that i stil spent the wkd at her place and it jsut confused me more cause i didnt even know if we were together again without sayin it or what!! women arrrgggg Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted December 7, 2004 Share Posted December 7, 2004 She has been dating this guy for a couple weeks and going to lunch with him quite a bit for a while now. He is still in love with someone else but seems to be stringing her along as a back up plan. He keeps breaking dates, telling her he isn't ready to give up on his ex etc and she's still interested in him. Maybe it is just a sexual attraction with this other guy? That's the only way I can see it from her point a view. She was probably just too tempted finally foolishly gave in. The guy doesn't sound like relationship material if he is still in love with his Ex. IF she thinks it's gonna work she has rocks in her head. . I would never give up the perfect relationship like something that you two seemed to have (so it seems from your posts) for a reason like that. YIKES. So where do I stand in this? Part of me wishes I didn't know this stuff. Ignorance is bliss. Knowing this has made me move on more with my life more quickly. It seems like her whole situation is ready to blow up on her. Will that be enough to make her reconsider us? Maybe probably not by itself. I'm betting if it doesn't work out with this guy you will be the first one she will call. Don't fall for it. She will probably be messing with your head if you do. Just a warning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cabras Posted December 7, 2004 Author Share Posted December 7, 2004 My ex loves the chase. In some ways we all do. She probably thinks she would get some self validation if her friend were to chose her over his ex. I think it fizzles or blows up soon. That brings me to your second point. When/if she does come back am I her "fall back guy?" Aw shoot.. . I can get all hurt about that or I can just accept that she came back to me. I treated her badly at the end because I knew I could. I was an ass. I figured she would just be there for me. So she was my "fall back girl" during that time. It's so funny that you described our relationship as perfect. Before those last couple of months many of our friends did describe us that way. Her roommate used to tell her how jealous she was that my ex could find a guy like me. My friends were all astounded that a girl actually captured my heart. My usual relationships before her were boring. I am sad. I fear I will not hear from her for a couple months, but when the time comes I hope I can recapture her heart and see her happy again Link to post Share on other sites
Chris_T. Posted December 8, 2004 Share Posted December 8, 2004 Originally posted by ziggue I'm betting if it doesn't work out with this guy you will be the first one she will call. Don't fall for it. She will probably be messing with your head if you do. Just a warning. Yep. Been there and done it. You are the fallback, Cabras. She's stringing the both of you along. Link to post Share on other sites
Charlane Posted December 8, 2004 Share Posted December 8, 2004 Originally posted by Cabras I am sad. I fear I will not hear from her for a couple months, but when the time comes I hope I can recapture her heart and see her happy again Cabras I feel the same way. I will NEVER contact him. I hope that his evolution in life will bring him back to me if and when he is with no one else. Link to post Share on other sites
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