Girlfriend broke up with me, wanting to get her a gift..

[thetinmansam]

It is weird. You're trying to buy her love. This doesn't work on real, genuine people, it just makes them feel weird.

 

Yes, if you're going to constantly put yourself in her way and throw money at her AFTER SHE HAS BROKEN UP WITH YOU, then it is definitely stalker-like. If you truly loved her, you'd leave her alone.

 

Try cultivating a personality and a sense of intergrity, instead of throwing money at women and expecting them to be your girlfriend. You might not be buying sex, but you definitely are attempting to buy love. Frankly, I'm not sure what is worse...

 

I haven't spoken to her in 8 days, and I am the one who initiated NC. During the first few days after the breakup, I didn't even bother to drive on that side of town (where she lives.). I am the furthest from a "stalker" my friend. I'm just a man who wants to be with a particular girl..

[reddragon588]

I'm just a man who wants to be with a particular girl..

 

But the thing you're not getting is that she doesn't want to be with you.

 

You're 22! And while I'm only 25, I can tell you I was the same way as you when I was your age. You'll find someone better soon. Someone who can actually commit to you, and be deserving of being with you.

[thetinmansam]

But the thing you're not getting is that she doesn't want to be with you.

 

You're 22! And while I'm only 25, I can tell you I was the same way as you when I was your age. You'll find someone better soon. Someone who can actually commit to you, and be deserving of being with you.

 

But how am I going to meet someone worthy without going to a bar? Or a night club? That's not my scene.. And I have tried getting involved in community activities, but none of those females look even half as good as my ex.

 

It blows going from an 8/10 gf to looking at 6's all day long.. FML.

[thetinmansam]

You've suggested that you are going to keep working on her until she caves. You've also suggested that you're going to buy your way by giving her cash and hoping she caves.

 

There is nothing romantic about what you're doing.

 

Come on, 'fess up about the cashflow. Is it Daddy's money, or did a rich relative die?

 

I've already told you, I operate several businesses that net me about $10-15,000 per month. I'm the only person at my school driving a Maserati Quattroporte.

 

None of this stuff is a lie.. Just because I'm 22 doesn't mean I lack the drive for success, and financial security. I've come on this forum seeking advice regarding my "relationship" with my ex, and how giving her cash may affect her perception of me - rather it be negatively or positively.

 

You know what though? All the money I've made, all the cars I own, and all the minor success I've come across would all be traded in a heartbeat for my ex girlfriend. Call it being mind-fu.cked.. I call it desperation for a savior.

[thetinmansam]

But she doesn't feel the same way. So perhaps you need to honour her wishes, and let her go. If you REALLY loved her, then show it. Let her go.

 

Well it's going on day 9 of NC, so maybe one day she'll realize the grass isn't greener on the other side, and return to me.

 

All I know is we talked about a future together, kids, marriage, all that good stuff when we were together, so I know she feels SOMETHING for me.

 

It reminds me of a line from one of my favorite songs.. "The bullets in our firefight

Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you"

 

[Antares]

I'm going to respond to your post paragraph by paragraph because there's just so much wrong going on here. I don't mean any disrespect to you, this is just all my honest opinion. My responses are in bold.

 

Thank you for the long, detailed response I really enjoyed reading it, however, I would like to respond to a few points.

 

Firstly, I have certain standards that cause me to spend money on people, regardless of how much it costs, or how they react to it. It's just the way I live - by the dollar, and creating memories with the dollar. I mean, can't we all agree that it takes money to do just about anything anymore?

 

No! Live by the sword, die by the sword. Yes, it takes money to operate in this society. But that doesn't mean spending lavishly on someone you just met. My first few dates w my last ex were dinner, museum and walk, picnic. Then she insisted and started paying for dates. We took turns back and forth. Hence- a partnership.

 

You want to watch a movie at home with your girlfriend.. Well guess what, you need to pay to rent that movie.. And pay your electric bill to power the television.

 

Right. That doesn't mean spending $2000 on a single girl you've been dating for 30 days.

 

My ways of treating my girlfriend were extraordinary, yes, but as a female, would you rather have a guy take you to dinner and expect sex in return? Or spend $300 on a pair of sunglasses and ask you to smile? Please don't try to rationalize the first answer by saying "oh, but I would want to have sex with him instead of recognizing the romantic aspect of when he asked me to smile.."

 

You sound very controlling. A gift should just be a gift. A simple gesture of kindness. Whether you're demanding they give you sex or just a smile, you are seeking control over her. She probably sensed this.

 

Secondly, we have known each other for over 6 months, but got a little more serious in August, as she was afraid of commitment when we dated earlier this year. So it's safe to say the "probation period" has come and passed well before we got together last month.

 

Reading over your comments from the entire thread, I have to say...my impression of her is not good. Although I'm sure we are getting a slightly distorted view of her from these posts. She either has major issues, or did the mature thing and got out of dodge as soon as she could. She realized you were trying to buy her. And control her. And manipulate her. You might have thought it was sweet to buy her gifts and want only her to smile...but the reality is different.

 

Thirdly, I try to live my life doing the exact opposite of everyone else around me. What makes amazing people amazing? The fact they can invent their own world, without conforming to a certain "system" that works for everyone else.

 

Why should I have to simply "move on" from this girl? What do I not have that the next guy does? There is no "perfect match" for individuals in this world.. Else, we wouldn't go through trials and tribulations to try and make it work with that person.

 

You rationalize 'not moving on' because you actually don't respect this girl, her quest to find happiness or her ability to make decisions for herself. If you 'loved' her as you say, you'd let her go find her happiness in whatever form it came, regardless if that's you or not.

 

My personal belief is this.. If two people are compatible, there IS a way to make it work. It doesn't matter if the other person falls out of love with that individual. If there's some type of will, there is a fu.cking way!

 

You're right, there's no perfect match in this world. We weren't born with some dance card filled up by God. People get to make decisions on who they want to love and be involved with. "It doesn't matter if the other person falls out of love...If there's some type of will, there is a $%*#ing way!"? WOW. Man...that is sooooo controlling. Listen, man. It's a two way street. It's called a relationship, because it's between two people. AND I really...really really really doubt she was in love with you. You were official for 30 days, and knew each other kinda sorta for a few months. It doesn't actually sound like you're in love with her. You may be completely infatuated with her. You may really like her. But nothing you've written in any of your posts have made me think love was here.

 

I made a promise to God, to her and to myself that I would NEVER give up on this girl. I'm sorry folks, but I don't break my promises. Not for anything.. Call me stubborn, but if I love someone, and I know there is an ounce of hope within them, I'm going to slowly pursue, and become to them, what they became to me - a saving grace.

 

I'm not a religious person, so I'm not going to wade into this fully, everyone is free to believe what makes them happy and I certainly do no want to offend your or anyone's beliefs...but...You're not supposed to be a savior to anyone. That's Gods job. If God wanted everyone doing exactly as He wanted, He wouldn't have given us all the choice to make our mistakes. That's the point. By choosing Him even though we could have gone the other way, it's makes OUR love for him all the more pure and better. The same thing works here with this girl. Do you really want someone that's only there because of the money and control you force on them. You want them to make the choice to love you on their own w/o having to be forced into it. Because that's not love. Its servanthood.

 

[/i][/b]

[thetinmansam]

Maybe she will. Maybe she won't. You should live your life like she won't and stop trying to buy her back.

 

Noted, and that was my plan initially.. I was simply planning to give her a present this Christmas.. Who knows, it may make her entire year? I mean, for God's sake, the girls parents are broke, and she has nobody to fall back on.. $1,000 would help out a lot, and I don't need that money anyways.

[thetinmansam]

You're manipulating her through cash. There's nothing philanthropic about what you're doing, it is simply control. Stop it.

 

Couldn't the same be said for her side though? I would "jump" at any given chance to see her, take her somewhere, or do something with her. Don't you think that's controlling? Her knowing I would be there within 30 minutes at any given time as soon as she hung the phone up?

 

How am I controlling her by simply giving her cash in a card? There are no strings attached to that money.. It's a simple act of kindness.

[thetinmansam]

I'm going to respond to your post paragraph by paragraph because there's just so much wrong going on here. I don't mean any disrespect to you, this is just all my honest opinion. My responses are in bold.

 

 

[/i][/b]

 

Yes, this girl has MAJOR issues with self-esteem, Bi-polar disorder and BPD (all three not diagnosed officially however).

 

I have witnessed and been a part of her arguing with me over $4.. When 2 hours earlier I had spent over $200 on dinner or something. She literally wanted to argue over ANYTHING. We could have a perfect morning, afternoon and evening, and come 2 am, she was sending a text message to my phone telling me how "this isn't going to work, I think we should just be friends."

 

She's done that to me 8 or 9 times in the past, but has always came back because I pursued slowly. This time however, I feel it's different, and maybe officially OVER.

[thetinmansam]

I'm going to say this one more time.

 

She dumped you. That means, that for the time being, she wants nothing to do with you. If you were considerate, kind, and loved her, you would honour her wishes and leave her alone.

 

THAT, is the simple act of kindness.

 

Okay, I will continue NC then, and expect the worst from this situation.

[Antares]

Yes, this girl has MAJOR issues with self-esteem, Bi-polar disorder and BPD (all three not diagnosed officially however).

 

I have witnessed and been a part of her arguing with me over $4.. When 2 hours earlier I had spent over $200 on dinner or something. She literally wanted to argue over ANYTHING. We could have a perfect morning, afternoon and evening, and come 2 am, she was sending a text message to my phone telling me how "this isn't going to work, I think we should just be friends."

 

She's done that to me 8 or 9 times in the past, but has always came back because I pursued slowly. This time however, I feel it's different, and maybe officially OVER.

 

I have experience with someone in my family who has Borderline Personality Disorder and what I'm about to say comes from that experience. The best option you have is to ... RUN. I mean it. You will never save them. You might feel this noble pursuit to help them...but you will never do it.

 

The biggest reason why people with BPD never get diagnosed or real treatment is because they will never admit want is truly wrong with them. They will make up a hundred different ailments for what they 'want' to be wrong with them. They will use those ailments to gin up sympathy and kindness from strangers. In the end, they are always the victim and live in a stark black and white, everyone is against me, everyone is either Angelic or Demonic. (And it switches back and forth at the drop of a dime) Unfortunately that means, they usually never get better. And dealing with this kind of person long term, is chaotic.

 

But the most important part is:

 

You are not here to save this person. You are not a psychologist (neither am I, so take what I say with a grain of salt) or trained to alter her personality behavior. In fact, the very fact that you feel the 'need' is troubling for yourself. People who usually end up with people with BPD have good intentions of trying to save that other person. But it never works.

[thetinmansam]

I have experience with someone in my family who has Borderline Personality Disorder and what I'm about to say comes from that experience. The best option you have is to ... RUN. I mean it. You will never save them. You might feel this noble pursuit to help them...but you will never do it.

 

The biggest reason why people with BPD never get diagnosed or real treatment is because they will never admit want is truly wrong with them. They will make up a hundred different ailments for what they 'want' to be wrong with them. They will use those ailments to gin up sympathy and kindness from strangers. In the end, they are always the victim and live in a stark black and white, everyone is against me, everyone is either Angelic or Demonic. (And it switches back and forth at the drop of a dime) Unfortunately that means, they usually never get better. And dealing with this kind of person long term, is chaotic.

 

But the most important part is:

 

You are not here to save this person. You are not a psychologist (neither am I, so take what I say with a grain of salt) or trained to alter her personality behavior. In fact, the very fact that you feel the 'need' is troubling for yourself. People who usually end up with people with BPD have good intentions of trying to save that other person. But it never works.

 

 

You are exactly right with this response. I cannot save her, and I've slowly realized this over the last few months. She has received evaluations, but each time has told a giant LIE to get the therapist to misdiagnose her.

 

She mentioned to me several times she feels she's "crazy" and has these negative thoughts like someone is trying to poison her, or is out to get her - which in turn leads to extreme paranoia.

 

You have definitely dealt with this from personal experience, I can tell just by how spot-on your reply is. I have been told by other people to RUN, but she has to settle down with someone, right?

 

There must be some way to positively manipulate her in to believing I'm NOT the guy the demons inside her head are telling her I am.. There has to be..

 

You wouldn't give up on Rain Man just because he can't go a day without his milk would you? Not if you cared about him..

[Antares]

This is wading into a different topic altogether. Diagnosing her here is not prudent or healthy. I've never met her and, even you, do not have the qualifications to do so.

 

But I'll say this, all you REALLY need to focus on is YOUR behavior. That's the only thing you can/should control. Or even really be concerned with. She is out of your life right now. Your need to buy her lavish gifts and take care of her is not healthy. Your savior complex is not healthy. Your wish to 'positively manipulate' her is controlling.

 

And yes, actually...sometimes you do need to leave Rain Man alone. YOUR health comes first. If being in a relationship with someone, any kind of relationship, (friendship, parental, sibling, etc) is causing you poor health or chaos it is your job to take care of yourself first. You are not here to FIX people. EVER. And that might sound selfish, but at the end of the day your health and well-being come first. (And that's why doctors and psychologists DO NOT have personal relationships with their patients) Helping others is noble. And people do give up their lives for others. And we save each other. But not to fix them. Not to save them, by forcing them to love you.

[reddragon588]

I have witnessed and been a part of her arguing with me over $4.. She literally wanted to argue over ANYTHING. We could have a perfect morning, afternoon and evening, and come 2 am, she was sending a text message to my phone telling me how "this isn't going to work, I think we should just be friends."

 

She's done that to me 8 or 9 times in the past

 

Sounds like a real catch.

[Salvatore85]

The amazing thing is all your posts pertain to money, nothing else really. You have absolutely no idea what love is and you need to work on that before you date anyone again.

[Fufu]

My girlfriend of about a month or so broke up with me in September. It's been a little over a month since we've been separated, and she hasn't made contact with me in about a week. (prior to that was low contact over Facebook/phone..)

 

I won't go in to the details of the relationship, but long story short, we DIDN'T have sex.. Apparently she wanted to wait until she was married (bull crap, right?) and I respected her for that.

 

And also during the time we were together I spent about $2,000 on her, in a month's time. She not once asked me for anything, and this enabled me to buy her things without worrying about the possibility of being "used."

 

You would think if she was using me that she'd still be around, right? It would only make sense - so I continued to show gratitude.

 

Anyhow, the dilemma I'm facing is this.. I'm wanting to give her $1,000 in cash for Christmas - in a card that has a small letter implying I still think about her.. But I don't know what type of reaction I'll get from her, and it could ultimately be one big GIANT failure for getting her to realize I still care about her, and I can support her in every aspect.

 

What do you guys and gals feel I should do? The $1,000 will not hurt me or my bankroll whatsoever, so please do not use that to bias your decision.. And how do you feel she is going to react?

 

Even if she had a new boyfriend, I would still do this.. Why? To show her what I'm truly made of - I guess :/ And that I can offer her more than he can.

 

 

Dear thetinmansam aka Wealthy Guy,

 

I'm gonna give you my utmost honesty for your situation

 

You dated your ex only 1 month and she broke up with you? What was the reason?

 

Throughout the short-term relationship, you have spent $2000 on her and planning to spend another $1000 after the break up as a christmas gift for her? Seriously, for real? She's not your gf now and even so what's the point of splurging on her after break up, do you think she will come back for your because you gave her money?

 

And even if she did come back, you have to ask yourself is she back for you (loving you as a person) or loving your money?

[Fufu]

Well she's done the SAME exact thing to all of her ex boyfriends. Basically this is a cycle for her, and I just figured I'd try a few things on her to see if it creates a "break-through" and allows her to see through the cash, and for what I really am.

 

I treated her like a princess (which is bad early one, you get **** on..) and she still pushed me away.

 

I'm not a bad-looking guy either.. I am fit, healthy, and consider myself quite well off for the age of 22.

 

I was just hoping I could flatter her enough to make her remember me.. Like the gifts aren't already doing that, right? Hah.

 

Why do you even want to date someone who did the very same thing to her exes. Unless for real you are not looking for a relationship but just having gf for fun and for show.

 

You have the looks you mentioned and the cashflow at a young age, why stoop yourself this low in a relationship? Not worth it in my opinion.

[Fufu]

Thank you for the long, detailed response I really enjoyed reading it, however, I would like to respond to a few points.

 

Firstly, I have certain standards that cause me to spend money on people, regardless of how much it costs, or how they react to it. It's just the way I live - by the dollar, and creating memories with the dollar. I mean, can't we all agree that it takes money to do just about anything anymore?

 

You want to watch a movie at home with your girlfriend.. Well guess what, you need to pay to rent that movie.. And pay your electric bill to power the television.

 

My ways of treating my girlfriend were extraordinary, yes, but as a female, would you rather have a guy take you to dinner and expect sex in return? Or spend $300 on a pair of sunglasses and ask you to smile? Please don't try to rationalize the first answer by saying "oh, but I would want to have sex with him instead of recognizing the romantic aspect of when he asked me to smile.."

 

Secondly, we have known each other for over 6 months, but got a little more serious in August, as she was afraid of commitment when we dated earlier this year. So it's safe to say the "probation period" has come and passed well before we got together last month.

 

Thirdly, I try to live my life doing the exact opposite of everyone else around me. What makes amazing people amazing? The fact they can invent their own world, without conforming to a certain "system" that works for everyone else.

 

Why should I have to simply "move on" from this girl? What do I not have that the next guy does? There is no "perfect match" for individuals in this world.. Else, we wouldn't go through trials and tribulations to try and make it work with that person.

 

My personal belief is this.. If two people are compatible, there IS a way to make it work. It doesn't matter if the other person falls out of love with that individual. If there's some type of will, there is a fu.cking way!

 

I made a promise to God, to her and to myself that I would NEVER give up on this girl. I'm sorry folks, but I don't break my promises. Not for anything.. Call me stubborn, but if I love someone, and I know there is an ounce of hope within them, I'm going to slowly pursue, and become to them, what they became to me - a saving grace.

 

You already have a fixed opinion on your own situation, why bother posting over here? By posting, you definitely will get all sorts/kinds of responses. You have your personal belief and truly no one can stop you.

 

All I can say is, the girl left you, period. You can continue to give her lots of money money and money. Continue to do so if you are happy

Edited October 3, 2013 by Fufu

[Bandito]

without your money, what are you? what can you bring to the table besides bread? she's probably looking for more, because money isn't everything bro.

[HorseLuck]

But how am I going to meet someone worthy without going to a bar? Or a night club? That's not my scene.. And I have tried getting involved in community activities, but none of those females look even half as good as my ex.

 

It blows going from an 8/10 gf to looking at 6's all day long.. FML.

 

 

Is this mainly about physical attractiveness?.. You're judging these women based on physical appearance first and foremost.

Do you have enough hobbies? It isn't like you don't have options here as far as meeting someone new. You can afford to travel. You make it seem like a hopeless situation.

 

You mentioned the ailments she deals with and how she goes hot and cold on you. What is it you're so head over heels about that you feel another girl can't provide for you? Have you dated previously? It sounds like you take pity on her because of her circumstances. Were you attracted to her because she appeared as a damsel in distress?

 

 

And if she ends up being with you in the future because she grows tired of your attempts at pursuing her, how would you feel about that? Even if turned out to be the case, she's broken up with you multiple times correct? She's unstable.

 

Also, your mention of being depressed and trying to help yourself. I don't want to inquire because that isn't what this topic is about, but continue to try and help yourself. If you've been to therapy and it hasn't been effective, find another one.

Edited October 3, 2013 by HorseLuck

[thetinmansam]

Dear thetinmansam aka Wealthy Guy,

 

I'm gonna give you my utmost honesty for your situation

 

You dated your ex only 1 month and she broke up with you? What was the reason?

 

Throughout the short-term relationship, you have spent $2000 on her and planning to spend another $1000 after the break up as a christmas gift for her? Seriously, for real? She's not your gf now and even so what's the point of splurging on her after break up, do you think she will come back for your because you gave her money?

 

And even if she did come back, you have to ask yourself is she back for you (loving you as a person) or loving your money?

 

That's just it, the reasoning behind each breakup has been different every time. It's almost like she comes up with excuses in her head caused by her disease to push me away.. I guess this is one of the driving forces behind why I continue to pursue. I don't know what she's doing exactly..

[thetinmansam]

This is wading into a different topic altogether. Diagnosing her here is not prudent or healthy. I've never met her and, even you, do not have the qualifications to do so.

 

But I'll say this, all you REALLY need to focus on is YOUR behavior. That's the only thing you can/should control. Or even really be concerned with. She is out of your life right now. Your need to buy her lavish gifts and take care of her is not healthy. Your savior complex is not healthy. Your wish to 'positively manipulate' her is controlling.

 

And yes, actually...sometimes you do need to leave Rain Man alone. YOUR health comes first. If being in a relationship with someone, any kind of relationship, (friendship, parental, sibling, etc) is causing you poor health or chaos it is your job to take care of yourself first. You are not here to FIX people. EVER. And that might sound selfish, but at the end of the day your health and well-being come first. (And that's why doctors and psychologists DO NOT have personal relationships with their patients) Helping others is noble. And people do give up their lives for others. And we save each other. But not to fix them. Not to save them, by forcing them to love you.

 

Very good points. How exactly do I take care of myself and move past this if 60-70% of the "void" within me is yearning for a female companion?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Very good points. How exactly do I take care of myself and move past this if 60-70% of the "void" within me is yearning for a female companion?

 

This means youre insecure. You move past it by being a guy, "sacking up", and moving forward. You dont need ANYONE in your life. You would LIKE to have someone sure, but this "void" will be filled by you...not anyone else.

[thetinmansam]

without your money, what are you? what can you bring to the table besides bread? she's probably looking for more, because money isn't everything bro.

 

Yes, I know this. Money was simply being used in our relationship to "have fun" and creating lasting memories with gifts no-one has ever offered her.

 

Who am I without my money? I'm a male who is passionate about my goals, dreams and relationships.. And who has the ability to love unconditionally - without judging or criticizing others.

[thetinmansam]

Is this mainly about physical attractiveness?.. You're judging these women based on physical appearance first and foremost.

Do you have enough hobbies? It isn't like you don't have options here as far as meeting someone new. You can afford to travel. You make it seem like a hopeless situation.

 

You mentioned the ailments she deals with and how she goes hot and cold on you. What is it you're so head over heels about that you feel another girl can't provide for you? Have you dated previously? It sounds like you take pity on her because of her circumstances. Were you attracted to her because she appeared as a damsel in distress?

 

 

And if she ends up being with you in the future because she grows tired of your attempts at pursuing her, how would you feel about that? Even if turned out to be the case, she's broken up with you multiple times correct? She's unstable.

 

Also, your mention of being depressed and trying to help yourself. I don't want to inquire because that isn't what this topic is about, but continue to try and help yourself. If you've been to therapy and it hasn't been effective, find another one.

 

 

When I speak of "compatibility" I'm touching on "physical attractiveness" as one of the integral parts of it.. If I don't find my girlfriend attractive first and foremost, it's almost impossible for me to pursue a relationship with that person - it's just the way it is.

 

I'm head over hills for this girl because she's so.. "inferior" to a lot of people. She doesn't have much class, she doesn't carry herself as well as she should, and I want to give her something nobody else has ever offered her - a consistent, stable relationship and foundation.

 

There's no way she'll grow tired of my attempts at pursuing her because at this time I'm NOT pursuing her. I haven't spoken to her in 9 days and I don't plan to until Christmas - if I don't change my mind before then.

 

She is VERY unstable, and cannot possibly have a REAL relationship at this time, and I know this.. However, I just don't want her to make a mistake and end up with some "wigger" who mistreats her. But at the end of the day, I cannot control what she does with her life.. I have tried my best to be there for her.