How often should I try to hang out with my ex?

[Universe]

I posted a longer description of my situation yesterday. here it is in brief...

We were in a really intense loving relationship for 5 years. Sometime in the fourth year I started having an identity crisis. It made it impossible to show her my love effectively. I didn't know what was wrong. I didn't know who I was. Therefore, I could not love myself or be very good at showing my love for her. Things got worse from there. We both worked very hard to make things better for the next two years. Two months before we broke up, she moved out, but we still saw each other almost every day. But things were getting worse. We both knew we needed space to find ourselves again. It became clear that we needed to get out from under the pressure of being in a relationship in order to sort things out. So we broke up. I very quickly sorted things out. I now see how self-absorbed I was. I showed her my love compulsively and constantly. But as I was not loving myself, my love was not reaching her either.

I didn't talk to her after the break up. We only saw each other on a few brief occasions. I resolved to go to work full time on repairing my identity. I got better very fast. After 6 weeks I couldn't stand missing her anymore so I tried to get back together. I found out that she had started sleeping with someone else only after about two weeks of us being broken up. She said she did not want to be dating him and that she did not love him. She said that she still loved me but wanted us to experience ourselves in other dynamics. She doesn't want to live under the "exclusive ownership" that a monogomous relationship brings. I understand where she's coming from and forgive her for sleeping with this guy. I was crushed at first. I was disgusted and competely torn apart. But I got over it. I know that I love her. But I made things really hard.

The time apart has forced me to really understand who I was and why I drove her away. Now I've gotten over my identity crisis and understand how to show her my love. It's all I want to do. I've never felt more confident, clear, and sexy before whereas when we broke up, I'd never felt less sexy and less certain of myself.

I'm a songwriter and I wrote her a song about our breaking up and growing up. It was sad and sweet. I recorded it and burned it to a CD. We hung out for the first time since I found out about her sleeping with someone else and and we both had a great time. We talked and enjoyed each other's company. I gave her the CD when I dropped her off.

I called her to try and a hang out a few days later. She said she was too sick to hang out and didn't mention the song I wrote.

So we're on good terms as friends and on the few times we've seen each other I've been doing well to show her how confident and sexy I am.

But I miss her so much. I really want her back. I just want to play this right. I don't want to rush it or wait too long.

 

So I need someone to help me figure out how often I should try to hang out with her? Once a week? Twice a week? Three times a week? Once every two weeks?

 

I don't know if she's still sleeping with that guy. I don't really want to know. I want her to stop. But I want her to stop on her terms, not mine.

 

I just need to know how much is too much. I know our relationship may be doomed and things look pretty bleak. So I know that it could go that way. But I love her too much to not give it everything I have to get her back. She's definitely THE great love of my life and I'll never forgive myself for not trying everything I can to make it work.

 

But I know I'm limited to self-improvement and understanding at this point. But we are comfortable around each other and I just want to create more pleasant moments between us and show her how much better I am than before and how much better I can love her than before.

 

I'm just afraid of calling too often or not often enough.

 

What do you guys think?? How often?

[TranslucentThoughts]

I think you need to know if SHE wants to make things work. Have you asked her? Why isn't she calling you, and initiating one on one time? It seems like your attempts at building a new relationship are one sided at the moment. I'm not sure if the two of you have discussed it... but, does she really want what you want... and if not... then maybe it's not worth all this effort that's not being returned. (unless it is)

 

It seems like maybe she's taking all of your sweet gestures and niceness for granted... because she knows how much you love her and she knows you'll always be there... but while she knows this, she's off doing her own thing... or doing other guys.

[Sukotto]

Once a month? Its been like 3 weeks since i saw my ex and I thought we were very close but obviously not as much. We usually chat every 2-3 days about random things, though I've found her suggesting we do stuff and I say sure and then she'll say I'll get back to you about a time and she never does.

[helena abadi]

It's so hard when you love someone completely, and they are distancing themselves from you. It's probably one of the most painful things about love. But the reality is, she IS moving away from you, and I think it's time for you to stop contact. When you do that, there's an empty space. When we're in love, the last thing we like is this empty space. But it serves as healing time, time to refocus our lives, and if she really wants you, she will feel the empty space and come back. She knows EXACTLY how you feel, you can't make it any more obvious. Don't keep trying to change yourself, it's like sayiing "I'm not good enough for you, I'll do whatever I can to change into something more loveable". She's not going to respect you for it. Do try to focus on other activities. Pre-occupation with your ex does nothing to help you, and you should be the most important person in your life.

[alphamale]

Mr. Universe:

 

The writing is on the wall, the fat lady has sung. This relationship is OVER. Don't be friends or hang out with her, it will make you life miserable.

 

SO the answer to your question is you should be hanging out with her zero (0) times per wk.

[bluechocolate]

If she's aware that what you really want is to get back together then I think you stop contacting her altogether & leave it to her to decide how important the relationship is to her. If she finds that it is then I've no doubt she'll start initiating some contact herself.

[Universe]

She called me last night to see if I wanted to hang out sometime. We're doing lunch.

 

Thank you all for your advice. Maybe I'm hard headed. But I'm not giving up yet. I know I'm probably obsessing about this whole thing too much. I'm aware of that. But I'm also aware that I'll never forgive myself if I look back on this and can't say I did everything I could to make it work.

I guess that's why I'm so non-demanding of her at this point even after she's the one who slept with someone else and hurt me irrepairably. It's because I know very well that while we were together, she did everything she possibly could to make it work. I know how much the relationship meant to her. I know how hard she tried. Not that I didn't. But she really gave it more focus. I have more trouble focussing. But she really did focus and gave it her all. So now not only do I desire with all my heart to give it my all to win her back, but I sort of owe it to her to at least to try as hard as she did. And that brings me comfort in a way. It's because I don't feel cheated. I'm just afraid she won't be so patient with herself as she was with me.

 

So it's useless to tell me not to try. But I just need help with a sortof strategy. If the only way to get her back is to not communicate with her, then I'll do that. But I really don't feel like that's the answer. I feel like I need to show her how healed I am and how fun it is to be with me now.

 

I don't know. You never know.

 

But she did call me. Who knows?

 

THanks again everyone.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Universe

So it's useless to tell me not to try. But I just need help with a sortof strategy. If the only way to get her back is to not communicate with her, then I'll do that. But I really don't feel like that's the answer.

 

 

Dear Mr. Universe:

 

With all due respect here you are making a BIG mistake. You need to be cool, calm, indiffferent and aloof when dealing with her. If you chase her like a little puppy dog then you will be treated like a little puppy dog.

 

Once again you have put HER in the driver's seat and you will most likely end up losing.

 

But go ahead and do what you want.

[Universe]

Thanks for your reply alphamale.

I understand what you are saying. And agree to an extent. But the thing is that I feel really calm and cool around her. I don't think I really come off as chasing her. I've been pretty stand offish ever since we broke up. I haven't been chasing her at all. She was definitely very distressed when I found out about her sleeping with another guy. She's been very depressed and confused. I've been the picture of cool generally speaking. I'm exuding a lot of confidence. I'm not aloof or indifferent. But I definitely come across as being very comfortable with the current situation. I'm not applying any pressure whatsoever. We just had lunch together and we had lots to talk about and I could tell I made her pretty comfortable.

I realize that at some point I will have to withdraw and make her really miss me and take action to get me back. But we're not there yet. Her sleeping with someone else was pretty traumatic for both of us. So i feel it's important that we get over any discomfort over that. And at this point, I think we have. I'm gonna try an hang out with her one more time before my birthday next week. Maybe I'll continue hanging out with her through Christmas. Somewhere around then I think I'll take myself away from her.

 

I don't know though. You never know. You're definitely making me think twice about my plan of action here. My initial reaction was to do what your saying. But this particular situation seems a little more fragile. An important thing that I've failed to mention is that she has somewhat of an abondonment complex. Her father left when she was 10 after being a very key figure in her life. It was pretty traumatic for her.

So I don't think abondoning her will have the usual effect.

 

Any thoughts?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Universe

I don't know though. You never know. You're definitely making me think twice about my plan of action here. My initial reaction was to do what your saying. But this particular situation seems a little more fragile. An important thing that I've failed to mention is that she has somewhat of an abondonment complex. Her father left when she was 10 after being a very key figure in her life. It was pretty traumatic for her.

So I don't think abondoning her will have the usual effect.

 

Any thoughts?

 

 

If you remain friends with her and you are still in her life in some capacity (i.e. "freinds") then what motivation does she have to take you back as her boyfriend?

 

Your theory of hanging with her thru xmas and THEN having no contact is dumb. If you have no contact THRU xmas then she will miss you the most, during the holidays.

 

Don't do the friends thing if you want her back. Tell her it is all or nothing. You are either together as a couple or not, none of the middle of the road friends bullshyt. OK?

 

Make her miss you. How can she miss you if she sees you regularly?

[helena abadi]

Alphamale is dead right, in a brutal, alphamale kinda way! Act like a puppy dog, you'll get treated like one. Act like a friend, you'll get treated like one and NO MORE. Stop beating yourself up and give yourself an early Xmas present - be kind to yourself and give her a miss. I think you have abandonment issues too. Look after yours, not hers. You deserve a bit of a break.

[sandra parker]

Hi,

I feel your pain. I too am just getting out of a five year relationship and I have some word of wisdom for you. My ex wanted to be 'friends' after the breakup. He too moved on and met up with someone and is sleeping with her. I tried to 'win' him back by passing as a friend and I found out the hard way it is not possible. By being his 'friend' I cause myself a lot of unnecessary pain. Every time I would see him or talk to him, after the moment of happiness of seeing him subsided, I was left alone again with the fact that he bas no longer in my life at the capacity I needed him to be. We were together for five years and he was not only a daily part of my life, but also of my son's. He wanted to remain an active part of my boy's life after the breakup and I tried to let that happen too. Again, he would come around whatever the situation and then leave to do his thing. I tried being friendly, aloof, angry, honest what ever but what I realize now is that he never had the chance to miss us because I was so there all the time. He knew how we would welcome him back with open arms no matter what he was doing, I made that clear by being his 'friend'. I left that door open for him. He never had the opportunity to miss us. His new relationship is at the beggining stages and you and I know that is impossible to compete with. With us, they were face with the fact that there was work to be done in order for things to move on to the next level, in their new life, there is only euphoria of something new. Everything is perfect, everyone is on their best behavior blah, blah, blah... Pain is the only moyivator sometimes. I have had enough of it. I wrote him a letter and informed him that we no longer want him in our lives at any capacity and how I wished I never met him. He left me a nasty message telling me I am bitter. We can't make them see, or do anything. By being so readily available, they take us for granted and our self-esteem plummets lower and lower and our journey to recovery becomes more distant. Let her go, I wish I had not had any contact with the ex from the beginning but I am going to start now. Not to get him back, but to save myself. I wish you the best my friend. Life is too short to slam against the same wall over and over again, Sandra

[helena abadi]

Sandra, really good observations. I agree, forget trying to be friends. If the break up wasn't mutual, it leaves the thwarted partner always looking for a way to buy back in. And the person who did the leaving has an opportunity to still pick up bits they want, only when they want it. Abusive, to say the least. And you are right, there's no competing with a promising new relationship when people are on their best behaviour and the hormones are raging. He did say that she put more effort into the relationship in making it work, but obviously she's given up, and moved on. He's stuck with regret at what he lost.

[Universe]

OK ok

 

I see what you are saying.

There are a couple things I think have mis-stated. First of all, I initiated the break up, not her. We both knew it was coming and were trying not to let it happen...her especially! She only got the upperhand by sleeping with someone else and then not taking me back when I tried to get back together.

Second of all, I'm about 90% certain that the guy she slept with was just a fling and not at all serious. I haven't asked her if she's still seeing him because I don't want to pressure her. But I know she doesn't love him and is probably not seeing him anymore.

Basically, I know she has some issues to work through and I'm allowing her space to work them out; while at the same time I'm putting my life back together and rebuilding my independence.

She hasn't said she wants to just be friends. She's just not ready to be with me romantically just yet. And to be honest, neither am I. I'm still working through issues. My self-esteem has recovered almost 100%. I'm just taking time fortifying it. But I know I want to be with her in the long term. She said that she could see us together in the future. So right now, we seem to agree on how we want to be right now. I'm just looking to insure as as possible a future with her. I want to get her to come back to me on her own terms. I'm sure by the time she is ready, I'll be ready too. I think it's too early to force her to a decision like - You're either totally with me, or not at all. That would just be me forcing my needs on her. Needy is totally unsexy. Strength and honesty are the sexiest. I'm not a puppy with her. I make her laugh. I make her think. And I make her feel good.

The christmas thing is a bit of a wild card. You're all right that people are loneliest during the holidays. So that could be a strategy. I'm definitely considering it. But like I said, she does not respond to people abondoning her. Her previous boyfriend went away to college and didn't really call or write her very often even though they were still "together." She responded by cutting him off and although he tried to make it work later on, the damage was done and she never forgave him for it.

Her attitude when people leave her is this: "I gave you so much and now you say you don't ever want to see me again? I call your bluff." I know that's a little childish and I've told her that in the past. But after what happened with her father leaving, I can see that it's a complex that's imprinted on her consciousness.

So I'm just trying to be careful with that.

 

Do I have an abondonment complex? Yes. But mine stems more from my personality type of being a relationship person. I'm a one woman man. I don't like spreading myself around. I don't like being alone. I love intimacy.

But I'm well aware of who I am and how I am needy and all of that. I really feel like I'm rising above it.

 

My reason for posting here is just for strategic advice because I know what my long term goal is. I'm not freaking out and need her with me immediately. I miss her very much. But I know these things take time. And I can be patient. I know the only thing I can do is get out and make new friendships and get on with living. ANd I'm doing that.

 

So far, just about all of you seem to think I should cut her off. So I have to consider that just because of the high percentage of you who think so.

 

Any more thoughts?

[sandra parker]

Hi again,

 

I don't know of strategies that promise results when it comes to trying to figure out someone else. I have been reading all kinds of books on breaking up, how to move on, how to get them back, reverse psychology and all that. I did read "He's not that into you," and found some validity on what it said. But, when it comes to matters of the heart, everyone is on a different point and we as individuals have different ideas about love and commitment. That is where the heart and head issue clash. No one could've made me listen to what I needed to do. I have been reading these posts for four monts now and just recently started to share. Almost everything I read made sense and I could relate to many about my feelings. However, I now understand that after much pain and suffering I need to let go and let God do his job. I have obviously messed up when I have tried to talk to him, make do with 'friendship.' but hey, that's just me. If it does not hurt you to see her and talk to her, go for it. I tried and it only kept me in a place I didn't need to be. I cannot judge her actions about sleeping wiht someone else because I don't know this girl. I cannot judge you about what you do or not do, I don't really know you or all of your situation. I can only share what did not work for me. I am beginning to realise that this is not about me and my ex. It's about me and what I need and was not getting from him. I have tried begging God, making excuses to talk to him, running into him and I will tell you he seemed just as happy to see me and talk to me. But like I said, when it was all said and done, he went off into the sunset. That is why I say what I say. Do what you want, you're a grown man. I did what I wanted and actually, it got me where I need to be: accepting that this is over and I that I have a new beginning to look forward to. You take care, and I wish you luck with this relationship, Sandra