How to deal with codepenency in myself and how do I change???

[Confusion_Reigns]

now that I recognize the 'codependent' feelings/dynamic inside myself and in my relationship with my husband...and others...how do I change this? How do I deal with those crazy intense feelings I get? how do I let go of the need to try to make things ok? that control thing?

[dichotomy]

Tough question. What is the nature of the codependency?

 

I am in the middle of breaking a codependent relationship with my brother - I have foolishly been enabling him with money thinking it could save and fix his life. Throwing more and more at him would finally lift him up and solve it. Breaking this codependent relationship has been so hard emotionally, and I have had to understand myself and my weakness for continuing this for so long. I wanted so much to save him - to lift him up. I kept thinking I could do this. This is easier of course than with a spouse. My therapist had numerous discussions with me about erecting boundaries to cut of the co-dependency, and the fact that it may be beyond my ability to save him from himself unless HE acknoweldges his problem - and wants to save himself.

[Confusion_Reigns]

Thanks...I guess I need to do more introspection...

 

This is what happens...

 

I am always reading him..my husband...and I can tell when he's upset...I usually know why he's upset and he usually doesn't tell me the truth about why he's upset.

 

He is quite insecure...so I try to live my life in a way that will help him feel safe and secure...I don't say "no" to him very often but when I do he flips out and gets REALLY angry...then we argue for days. I'll withdraw and he comes on stronger until I respond in the way he wants me to.

 

He is usually upset about sex...he wants it all the time-every day...I don't...but there's other things too. Like me hanging out with my sister or other friends...he HATES that....like me being on the computer too long...sheesh, he's getting funny about that too....like he ALWAYS wants me to be right next to him, talk to him, pay attention to him...it's exhausting...

 

So to break the cycle I need to change my patterns, I understand that. When I change my patterns he comes at me to stick to my old patterns...he gets REALLY angry and slams around the house (just this morning) but when I ask him what's wrong he says 'nothing' but I know something's not right...

 

and I know that I cannot change him...that I can set my boundary's and he can either accept or not accept...just like me, I can either accept or not accept his behavior...and it's at this point where I get those CRAZY feelings in me...fear, anger, sorrow... and I just don't know what to do with all that *feeling* and I believe I'm going to explode in a bad way.

[dichotomy]

I had some benefit (unrelated issue however) with a book called Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. You may as well.

 

I think there is always the no or boundaries sandwich “I love and desire you - but NO to this - But I look forward to being with you another time" kind of thing.

 

I understand insecurities, but this is his issue mostly. While it’s good and fine to get reassurances we are wanted and desired by our spouse - it is not healthy to depend on it for our own happiness.

 

The sex every single day is a bit extreme to me, that is unless that has always been that way for you both - but even still, it is a bit much to depended on that every day or get angry.

[Confusion_Reigns]

Thank you...yes, I know it's his problem...but he makes it my problem...and it seems like this in between stage of taking the steps needed to change my patterns is where I am weak, atm.

 

When the CRAZY starts in what do I do???